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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Is it considered sinful ??? |
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| SisNur |
| 05/22/02 at 12:17:02 |
| [slm] Please help me out … this question have been bothering me for a very long time!!! Being in a marriageable age, my parents is always hinting to me about getting married but I always shove it off by saying that I am still not ready to be someone’s wife … (which I really am!!!) … but the thing is that, one day, my parents actually told me that they had someone in mind to get me married to!!!...and that they really liked this guy so much that they would like to have him as a son-in-law…….can you imagined how shocked I was? Well, to cut the story short, I told them what I really feel. Yes, the guy is a good man, I must admit BUT I was just not ready to get into marriage! I felt that I might not be able to be a good wife and that it would only be disaster if I were to marry him and this will be unfair to him. My family and his family are actually long-time neighbors and I wouldn’t want this relationship to sour should any “unexpected” event were to happen if I actually marry him… My dad accepted my explanation though he did sounded a bit upset. As for my mum, she was totally angry with me for not fulfilling their wish…this is the part that have been bothering me … I have always tried to be a good daughter to them but in this matter, for once, I did not do as what they wanted me to. My mum ignored me for the next few weeks after that but things are now getting better (much, much better actually … Alhamdulillah) but sometimes I still feel bad for letting them down. So, my question is, in an Islamic view, was it a sin that I’ve committed for letting them down? ??? :( |
| Re: Is it considered sinful ??? |
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| nouha |
| 05/22/02 at 13:06:04 |
| [slm] have u made salatul istikhara about this, if not, i would advise u to go with that wasalam nouha:) |
| Re: Is it considered sinful ??? |
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| hayal |
| 05/22/02 at 15:15:07 |
| Waalaikum assalam Sis, you do not have to marry somone you don't want to. I think your parents will get over it inshaAllah. They do not want to see you being unhappy, i'm sure about that. Otherwise they may have forced you, but they did not. So try to avoid talking about that guy, that may cause some useless discussions for both of you, unless you regret for having refused that brother? Assalamu alaikum Sis Hayal |
| Re: Is it considered sinful ??? |
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| se7en |
| 05/26/02 at 14:24:43 |
| as salaamu alaykum, sis your parents might be perplexed because traditionally, in a lot of cultures, if you are of marriageable age and you find a good guy, you *are* ready for marriage :) maybe if you sit down with them and explain a bit more about why you're not ready, they'll understand. just a suggestion :) wasalaam :-) |
| 05/26/02 at 22:08:03 |
| se7en |
| Re: Is it considered sinful ??? |
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| Barr |
| 06/04/02 at 05:18:37 |
| Assalamu'alaikum, Dear sister, I can understand how heavy our hearts can be, when our parents show signs of disappointment. And being Muslims, we've been brought up to always honour and love our parents... showing respect and be dutiful towards them. [quote]. Yes, the guy is a good man, I must admit BUT I was just not ready to get into marriage! I felt that I might not be able to be a good wife and that it would only be disaster if I were to marry him and this will be unfair to him. [/quote] However, on the issue of marriage, I think you would have to be fair to yourself as well. To help you be certain of what you yourself feel about marriage, you may want to review on this unreadiness or unpreparedness. Y do you feel you won't be able to be a good wife? Is it your maturity? Or did something happen in the past? Do you need more time? If so, when would be a good time? Do you have other future plans that you would want to experience first? There would be a myriad of questions which you yourself can answer, inshaAllah. The reason why I ask this ukhti, is that since you did mention that he is a good brother, and if his deen satisfies you, then, let us be reminde` of the hadith, [i] "If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, you should marry him. If you do not do so, them will be tribulations in the land and great evil." Bukhari, Muslim, At Tirmidhee and Abu Dawud. [/i] As such, though we do not want to be like those mentioned in the hadith, it is also important that we would also want to be fair to ourselves and those around us. Marriage takes a lot of responsibilities as well, and if one is unprepared for marriage, then, it's a no go, as you have rightfully said so. However, we also do not want to be like those mentioned in the hadith above. It's just that I hope this is thought through, about this issue of being ready. We need to find the balance. And sometimes, finding that balance is the gruelling challenge. And as mentioned by a sister here, the best thing would be to do your istikharah. Let Allah unfold what beholds you in the future. And sometimes, things can be very surprising... a good surprise, inshaAllah. [quote]So, my question is, in an Islamic view, was it a sin that I’ve committed for letting them down? [/quote] Allahua'lam. If you feel it's still appropriate, you may want to speak to your parents about it, and seek forgiveness if they do feel insulted, or disappointed. For this situation may repeat again, and you may say "no" again. Allahu a'lam. InshaALlah, if this thing repeats again, at least they do understand where you're coming from. The very fact that forced marriages are not Islamic, that shows that you have a right to say "no", though it may cause some distress and tension. Marriage has a whole dynamics on it's own. And we would want to start it with the right foot and a lot of hikmah and consultation with Allah, inshaAllah. Take care sister :-) wassalam |
| 06/04/02 at 05:41:38 |
| Barr |
| Re: Is it considered sinful ??? |
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| SisNur |
| 06/05/02 at 10:56:13 |
| [slm] Dear Sisters, thank you very much for the views that have been given. It really makes me feel a bit better ... Alhamdulillah Sis nouha, i was not really very "well versed" about the salatul istikhara at that time and i was afraid i didn't manage to make any ... i have since learned more about it and Insya' Allah will be performing it should i come across this junction again :-) Sis Hayal, i agree wif you about that and Alhamdulillah i have never regretted not marrying the brother ... (BTW, he is now married and i really feel happy for him) :) Sis Se7en, thanks for the suggestion! :) Sis Barr, THANK YOU VERY MUCH ... i am really touched by what you have written. really made me stop to think hard about all that points given. The truth is, i just don't know what it is that i wanted! I only felt that i was not ready, i was still studying then and i felt that i still have so many things that i wanted to do before tying the knot. I just wish that my parents can forgive me and Insya' Allah i will try not to hurt their feelings ever again... :( Wasalam |
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