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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Helping wifey |
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| Kashif |
| 06/10/02 at 19:54:58 |
| assalaamu alaikum Nice article. But before you read it, i have a question. I've seen/heard so much about unhelpful husbands that i wonder whether they were always had an unhelpful character, or whether they started off ok and then for some reason or another just became lazy? Kashif Wa Salaam -------------------------------- By: Mona Abdussalam Have you cleaned the house? Is dinner ready? Have you fed the kids? Did you wash my clothes? These are some of the questions that women hear, day in and day out, from husbands who assert that wives are nothing more than servants and baby machines. But a wife is neither. Nevertheless, amidst busy schedules on the parts of both women and men, some husbands forget the real reasons behind marriage and likewise the rights of their wives. Subsequently, they deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the happiness and tranquility that is the bedrock of a successful family. This unbalanced vision towards a couple’s ideal relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a situation laden with troubles and worries. Even among religious families, you will find some husbands who still do not have a proper understanding of rights of their wives, nor a clear vision of the intended relationship between a married couple. It is both painful and distressing to see a Muslim husband practicing Allah’s orders on the one hand, but forgetting to follow His guidance regarding how to treat his wife. Outside the home he is kind, patient and smiling. But, as soon as he returns home, the smiling face becomes angry and sad and the kindness and gentleness turn into nervousness and adversity. He starts shouting and screaming his orders at his wife. He forgets that although he faces many challenges and pressures outside the house, his wife can also be overwhelmed with the housework and her responsibilities to the children. He forgets that she also needs rest after a long day of working. Although his duty is to work outside the house and to provide for his family, a wife’s role inside the house is not any less important. On the contrary, her role is often more important as she is the one charged with raising the children and guarding the family. We often see this scenario: A wife feels tired and asks her husband to help her with the cleaning, washing or cooking. He refuses, as though it is shameful for a man to help his wife. Doesn’t he know that Prophet Mohammad (pbuh), the most beloved person to Allah (swt), helped his wives with the housework? Doesn’t he know that Omar Ibn al-Khattab provided recipes to a group of women in order to teach them how to cook? Could Omar teach others if he himself did not know how to cook? No husband, regardless of how much work he has, can ever be busier than our Prophet (pbuh) whose duty it was to spread Islam. Likewise, no one is busier than Omar who had to bear the responsibility of a Khalifah. It shocks me to hear that some wives have never heard a loving or appreciative word from their husbands. When asked about the person he loved the most, the Prophet (pbuh) did not hesitate to name his wife, A’ishah. Thus, he declared very clearly, that a husband should not be ashamed of loving his wife or even of declaring that love in front of other people. It is also painful to hear that some husbands do not speak to their wives or spend time with their families, under the pretenses of a busy schedule and da’wa work. While it is noble to be involved in da’wa outside the home, it is also necessary that the wife and children also be recipients of a husband’s efforts. I wonder how married couples can live without ever talking or spending time together or how they can feel happiness and tranquility with this gap separating them. Who else can share in happiness and sadness better than one’s wife? Who else can encourage one to confront the challenges of life with perseverance and patience? Who can listen and keep one’s secrets better than a wife? Who can help renew iman and intentions better than a wife? The Prophet (pbuh) taught us that the best among men is the one who best treats his wife. Shouldn’t we follow the Prophet’s example in every issue of our lives? The Prophet (pbuh) spent time with his wives, talking to them, laughing with them, and even playing with them. He listened to his wife, Om Salama’s (raa), advice in the Hudaybiya conciliation, when she advised him to start shaving and butchering. It was her mature advice that solved the predicament and protected the Muslim nation. So why have we strayed from that example? Raising children is not just the mother’s job, as some mistakenly think. It is intended as a mutual responsibility to be shared by both parents. Everyone has his/her complimentary role to undertake regarding family. There is no doubt that the mother bears the bigger burden of responsibility, but the role of the father is likewise important and has tremendous effects on the stability of the family. Children need the presence and input of a father. They need him to ask them about their homework, help them memorize the Qur’an and understand religion. They need to feel that he is there for them. Dear husbands, your wife is your partner, your other half and your life mate. She can be your hassanah in this world and “the blessing of your life,” but only if you give her the chance to be. She is the one who can bring a smile to your face and dry the tears of pain from your eyes. She has the potential to provide your family with iman, happiness, encouragement, and patience in the face of challenges you may face. Your wife is always ready to sacrifice everything in order to bring happiness and success to the family. No one can claim that marriage is always blissful or that there will never be any hardships to face. But, if the basis of the relationship is strong and if each person has a clear vision of his partners’ rights, then challenges can easily be overcome. I do not mean to blame all husbands for the problems facing couples today. I am addressing a specific type of husband within the Muslim community: the misinformed one who does not understand that a happier and stronger Muslim family can only be built under a strong partnership between the couple. Allah (swt) says in the Holy Qur’an, “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (30:21) |
| NS |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Al-Basha |
| 06/11/02 at 01:45:41 |
| [slm] Well couple of things lad. I think the type of husband that sister spoke about in the article typically stems from living in a family with a very similar father figure. Or you could have a mother who basically spoils her sons rotten and never raised them to do anything around the house. Then they grow up still needing that mother figure in their life to take care of their basic needs. But yeah, I think someone at the local masjid should have a course on home economics for the brothers. Seriously, i went out with a brother I know one time who said it takes him an hour to figure out what type of washing detergent to buy ... :o Incidentally Tide with Bleach (color safe bleach) does the job pretty well ;) Also don't forget the Downey (or Snuggles) to soften the clothes :P [quote author=Kashif link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=0#0 date=06/10/02 at 19:54:58]assalaamu alaikum Nice article. But before you read it, i have a question. I've seen/heard so much about unhelpful husbands that i wonder whether they were always had an unhelpful character, or whether they started off ok and then for some reason or another just became lazy? Kashif Wa Salaam [/quote] |
| 06/11/02 at 03:32:08 |
| jannah |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| PeaceSeeker |
| 06/11/02 at 01:52:51 |
Or the new "Gain" safe with colors works quite well. I highly recommed it. Take home Gain and you'll feel no pain. Gain Americas most trusted detergent. :) |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| PeaceSeeker |
| 06/11/02 at 02:01:39 |
| Al-Basha there is something you can help me out with. It takes me an hour to pick the right chips. I like Doritos but I also like chesstoz and lays. Oh and the dip. That takes forever. Should I pick the cheese one or the less salty one. And when it comes to chosing a soft drink I have to open a bag of chips to help me decide. Should I pick coke over bebzi? If I pick coke I get more for my buck but I lose the great taste of bebzi. So many choices so little time! what should I do ??? :D Somebody help a brother out. |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| BrKhalid |
| 06/11/02 at 02:13:22 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]Or you could have a mother who basically spoils her sons rotten and never raised them to do anything around the house. Then they grow up still needing that mother figure in their life to take care of their basic needs.[/quote] Excellent point Al Basha. You can't really expect a Brother to help around the house if he has no idea of what to do in the first place. Parents need to educate their sons that they have a part to play at home and show them the ropes as it were. So to answer your question Br Kashif, I would say some have always had a "Don't-know-what-to-do" character. ;-) |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| eleanor |
| 06/11/02 at 03:57:15 |
| [quote author=PeaceSeeker link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=0#3 date=06/11/02 at 02:01:39] Should I pick coke over bebzi? If I pick coke I get more for my buck but I lose the great taste of bebzi.[/quote] [i]intruding again....[/i] do you mean Coke is cheaper than bebsi in the US :o Here it is waaaay more expensive :P wasalaam [] |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Dawn |
| 06/11/02 at 05:32:49 |
| [quote author=Al-Basha link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=0#1 date=06/11/02 at 01:45:41] Well couple of things lad. I think the type of husband that sister spoke about in the article typically stems from living in a family with a very similar father figure. [/quote] It certainly often is that way, but I think there is also quite a bit of the individual personality of the husband coming in to play. My husband was raised with the very hands-off-at-home type of father. (Though my father-in-law always showed great respect for his wife.) He could easily have turned out to be just like his Dad. But he didn't. He splits the household work with me (as a matter of fact, he considers the kitchen his domain, not mine, as he does all the cooking for our household) and considers the raising of our daughter a joint responsibility. What I think is much more difficult to "break out of" is the worse scenario where a son has never seen his father respect his mother, or worse, has only seen his father treat his mother like a servant or a second-class-citizen. It is much easier to learn to vacuum or dust or cook than it is to learn to treat another human being with caring and love and respect. At least, that has been my observation. On the other hand, I have never met a man who was raised with a wonderful model of a father and husband, (one who shared the household work with his wife, had an active role in childrearing, actively sought family (and especially wife-ly) advice and concensus on family matters, etc.), that did not transfer all of those qualities to his own family. (Not that there aren't any, but I have never met one.) Peace, Dawn |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| BrKhalid |
| 06/11/02 at 05:41:55 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]It certainly often is that way, but I think there is also quite a bit of the individual personality of the husband coming in to play.[/quote] Hmmm…interesting stuff Dawn. Speaking generally where do you think this personality comes from if not from parents? |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Dawn |
| 06/11/02 at 05:46:09 |
| [quote author=BrKhalid link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=0#7 date=06/11/02 at 05:41:55]Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) Hmmm?interesting stuff Dawn. Speaking generally where do you think this personality comes from if not from parents? [/quote] In the case of my husband, his mother! (He got his dad's physique and his mom's personality.) |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Al-Basha |
| 06/11/02 at 15:41:22 |
| [slm] Well bro concerning food the way I go about it, is look for whatever is on sale. You need to learn to enter a grocery store and put your eyes into scanning mode, look for stuff like 2 for 5 or 3 for 1. Those are definate give aways. And don't be fooled by 3 for 10 or 2 for 6, do the math and Insha Allah you'll figure it out ;) As far as coke and bebzi, well im a big coke fan myself, but i dont mind bebzi. [quote author=PeaceSeeker link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=0#3 date=06/11/02 at 02:01:39] Al-Basha there is something you can help me out with. It takes me an hour to pick the right chips. I like Doritos but I also like chesstoz and lays. Oh and the dip. That takes forever. Should I pick the cheese one or the less salty one. And when it comes to chosing a soft drink I have to open a bag of chips to help me decide. Should I pick coke over bebzi? If I pick coke I get more for my buck but I lose the great taste of bebzi. So many choices so little time! what should I do ??? :D Somebody help a brother out. [/quote] |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Zara |
| 06/12/02 at 06:58:06 |
| [slm] lazyness I think has got to do with the individual if they are used to doing little to help towards domestic tasks then it will be more challenging for them to learn to do these task in the future.... as for doritos, most cheese and spicy flavoured chips are haraam in the UK due to additives like animal fat/ animal rennate. i haven't read the recent halaa food guide but if any of the Bristish clan can provide some insight it would be very helpful. at the release of the last halaal food guide about a year ago i had to try and explain what animal rennate is :-[ and prevent some people eating haraam 'chips' or crisps as we know them here in the UK. And yes some home economics classes run by the mosque would be very beneficial to all those brothers who shy of participating in household tasks. ;D ma'salaama :-) |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| haaris |
| 06/12/02 at 07:20:05 |
| [slm] My twopenn'orth: time spent by a married couple in the kitchen, cooking a nice meal together, chatting as they do so and then sitting down to do eat it together is invaluable. As for why some brothers are like this. Often, I think, it's because they don't know any different. They don't intend to be mean or disrespectful: they really have no idea. Guys are fantastic at being insensitive without realising nor intending it (speaking from years of personal experience!!). |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Zara |
| 06/12/02 at 08:52:56 |
| [quote author=haaris link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=0#11 date=06/12/02 at 07:20:05][slm] My twopenn'orth: time spent by a married couple in the kitchen, cooking a nice meal together, chatting as they do so and then sitting down to do eat it together is invaluable. As for why some brothers are like this. Often, I think, it's because they don't know any different. [B] They don't intend to be mean or disrespectful: they really have no idea. Guys are fantastic at being insensitive without realising nor intending it (speaking from years of personal experience!!).[/B][/quote] That last bit is a classic. As for preparing a meal together, yes that works well my married sisters are always telling me the secret. :-X The sister does the talking and her husband does the cooking. Then they eat the meal toghether. ma'salaam :-) |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Al-Basha |
| 06/13/02 at 02:31:43 |
| [slm] hahah, oh man thats hillarious. :D [quote author=Zara link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=0#12 date=06/12/02 at 08:52:56] That last bit is a classic. As for preparing a meal together, yes that works well my married sisters are always telling me the secret. :-X The sister does the talking and her husband does the cooking. Then they eat the meal toghether. ma'salaam :-) [/quote] |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Umm-Ahmad |
| 06/13/02 at 06:24:47 |
| [slm] I started writing a response to this thread yesterday, then I realised that I was in the IKHWAN folder, and had to confirm that I could actually post here:) Just wanted to give you all an insight into how I view this, from the point of view of a woman married for just over a year with 1 little son... My husband grew up in a typical traditional Arab home. They are 5 brothers and 2 sisters, and the women pretty much did everything around the home. The only thing their mother insisted on was that the boys clean their own rooms. Everything else was taken care of! To be able to spend time with his mom, my husband had to spend quite a lot of time in her kitchen. She insisted that he should NOT help, that was *her* work. Then he and his younger brother moved to Europe to study, and man oh man, was that a culture shock! He says that at first he knew NOTHING! They could clean, alhamdulillah, and had a crash course in cooking and laundry just before they left. They had to learn the rest on their own! Talk about necessity being the mother of invention! I met him after he had already spent 6 months away from home. The first time I had lunch at their home, I just stared at how efficient they were! THis time it was them who insisted i do NOTHING!:) Other than calling home every now and then for more recipes and advice, and consulting the Arab lady at the local Arab store for ideas, they were pretty perfectly house-trained:) His mom always says, that she is happy I met him *after* he learned all these things, or he might have been a very different person right now! (I tend to disagree, I feel he might have learned a lot FASTER if I had been around, cuz at that time I only knew how to cook pasta and rice, and then the rice usually ended up burnt anyways ;) )...Not only do I have a partner who *helps*, but he is someone who is capable and willing to do EVERYTHING! He always tells me, that if he wasn't forced to learn, he would have learnt anyway, because he understands what Islam says, and what our Prophet (saws) did, and he would have followed that anyway...hey, am not so sure ;) hehe, all I can say is Alhamdulillah for everything. I think this idea is excellent in theory, but how many men can truly say this with sincerity?? How do the sisters rate their husbands' performance around the house? How do the brothers rate their own performance?? Gotta sign off now, take care Ma3a el salamah Umm Ahmad |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| Kashif |
| 06/13/02 at 07:06:33 |
| assalaamu alaikum Thats really cool Umm Ahmad. Perhaps one of the things that stops more brothers being helpful around the house is a false stigma attached to becoming too helpful once we're married. I mean, whenever we hear of a brother talking about how helpful he is to his new wife, we always joke about howw she's already got him under the thumb, etc. We're always joking when we say such things but i wonder if it has some deeper psychological effect which makes a helpful brother turn unhelpful? Allah knows best. Perhaps this can be overturned by the helpful brothers showing pride at the way they help their families. I'm sure that would shush their critics. *smile* Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| The_Naeem |
| 06/14/02 at 09:50:28 |
| Salaams, Well my two cents for the this convo would be that , brothers you gotta know your way around the house, God forbid you become a single father for some reason. And everything starts from the home, if they see their parents doing such, they will do such, unless Allah deems otherwise. Now for the part that will get me on the most hated brothers on the board list. Allah has allowed all of us to have different relationships, and I don't think that one should judge one better than the other. What works for one couple may not work for the next. If the brother isn't being merciful to his Wife and his family, he needs to improve. But that dosent always equal cleaning the bathroom. Neo-Western culture now says that it's a team effort, men do half the work and women do the other half. In the 50s it wasn't like that, some people may have liked the way things are now, and some where fine with they way things were. It has alot to do with culture. My wife is from somalia and I am african american. And I guess I am a part of the Neo-Western Culture. So when her cousin came over and saw me changing my daughter she got upset, she's like why are you doing this when me and your wife are around? I explained the difference in culture. In all cases do your best to follow the example of the Prophet(ASWS), but what works for one couple may not work for others. And use hikmah when advising people, I've seen alot of do gooders stir up some drama in happy homes. Things were perfectly fine until one of the married partners gets a case of "The Jones". |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| simba |
| 06/14/02 at 12:03:42 |
| assalamu'alaikum... To add to what the brother has just posted, its vital that within every relationship, each person realizes the stress and responsibilities of his/her partner. One must realize, that when a man works in the workforce here in the West, the stress is high upon him when dealing with what are usually non muslim managers and administrators. Its rery easy to say, "well..we all have rights, and must exercise them", for men its quite different and we have to play a delicate balancing game when dealing w/ western, non muslim managers. A married woman in the workforce has the luxury of knowing that if things became difficult at her workplace, she could leave that job and not be violating any of her responsibilities to Allah(swt). Verily, whatever income she provides for the well being of her family is sadaqa from her. It is a good deed for which she is highly rewarded, but not mandatory upon her. For a man, the stress is magnified because we don't have that choice. If we don't provide for our families, not only are we jeopardizing their well being, but we are ignoring a crucial responsibilty Allah(swt) has placed on us. There is an added level of stress there, which unless you are forced to face, is very difficult to understand. Unfortunately, wives don't understand that sometimes the underlying pressures the men feel are quite different than the women. For the guys in college, you should be weary of this as you enter the workforce eventually, no matter what field of work you go into. Western managers are much more aware of "legal" implications of saying something improper to a woman, however, there are underlying assumptions that men cannot go to human resources w/ "harressment" complaints. Its easy for someone to say, "that's the person's problem for not sticking up for himself", but trust me, its not that simple. Managers know that if a woman misconstrues something a male manager says, it can be considered possible discrimination, but for a man to complain about discrimination, it must be blatant and obvious. This allows western managers to make comments and give "looks" which we can't really do anything about. But we don't have that easy option of just picking up and leaving our jobs, or just changing jobs. In addition, laws that are in the books, like "Paternity" leave, are a joke. They exist for legal purposes, but not one man, muslim or non muslim, has the courage to take things like "family leave" or "paternity leave", because its just never been done, and will seriously affect your position with your company. My point is, a lot of times a man doesn't help as much around the house is not because he doesn't want to, or that he is lazy, or that he's a chauvanist and beleives its "woman's work", but rather because he has a whole different kind of stress to deal with than she does. The stress upon a woman is high too, and she obviously does want that he helps with that when he is home, but she must realize that a part of that extra effort that she puts in to make things comfortable around the house IS what releives that stress and pressure guys face day in and day out. Now we come to that discussion, what has to come first: should a husband help releive her stress so she can help releive his, or should a woman be the one who puts in the added effort first. There is no simple answer to that, but one thing is for sure, whoever puts in the added effort, gets the reward from Allah(swt) for that effort. I think we spend so much time in discussing the "rights" that we have and trying to inform others of that, we forget to discuss the benevolence we can give and the altruistic nature of it. I can never understand the stress a woman feels around the house, and I really don't think a woman can understand the stress I feel at work. But I can say this much, I'd much rather be stressed out in the comfort of my own home, rather than in the environment of the kuffar. Work is work. No one enjoys it. Whether its washing dishes, doing laundry and changing diapers, or its dealing with clients, preparing reports, physically exhausting labor, or treating patients, its work. Its hard. Its frustrating at times, and its stressful, but its all gotta get done. Neither is more important or less important. They should ALL be done w/ the single purpose of pleasing Allah(Swt). you know, for all those people who complain that men are lazy because they had hands off fathers and mothers who "spoiled" them.... interestingly enough... those mothers and fathers are husband-wives too, and if you look at the divorce rate amongst our generation among Muslims and their generation... I wonder who had it right... us or them? Are we trying to change things for the better, or for the worse? |
| Re: Helping wifey |
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| BUSHRA |
| 06/14/02 at 14:10:23 |
| [slm] [quote author=simba link=board=bro;num=1023753298;start=15#17 date=06/14/02 at 12:03:42]assalamu'alaikum... One must realize, that when a man works in the workforce here in the West, the stress is high upon him when dealing with what are usually non muslim managers and administrators. Its very easy to say, "well..we all have rights, and must exercise them", for men its quite different and we have to play a delicate balancing game when dealing w/ western, non muslim managers. Unfortunately, wives don't understand that sometimes the underlying pressures the men feel are quite different than the women. For the guys in college, you should be weary of this as you enter the workforce eventually, no matter what field of work you go into. if you look at the divorce rate amongst our generation among Muslims and their generation... I wonder who had it right... us or them? Are we trying to change things for the better, or for the worse? [/quote] As a couple living in the west, and as a wife I understand the stress that my husband goes through but in my humble opinion this is something that men will face regardless of being muslim or not and regardless of working in a nonmuslim country or not :(. My father has a stable job alhamdolillah in muslim country and I don't think that he was /is under any less pressure at work than what my husband faces :-[. And personally I think that husbands out here(in the west) help their wives a lot more than those living in a muslim country :-[(from my experience). But even the type of house help that is expected from a husband varies from couple to couple. For most women I know , if the father takes the kids out to lets say a zoo, or a park or for swimming lessons and spends time with them reading book or teaching them to differentiate b/w colours or help them doing their homework is more than enough for them :). For most women its not about qauntity but rather the quality ;). Just my 2 pences :D Bushra :-) PS: This is my first post in the Ikhwans folder :o |
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| sam |
| 06/26/02 at 17:24:02 |
| i need some help please!!!!!! my husband and i have been marries over a year and we ahve a 4 month old son alh. before marriage my husband moved over to another country for work and lived by himslef for nearly a year until his mother cmae over. until she did he was doing everything himself.. and was doign it well so i am told by him. now after marriage he refuses to do anything to help me round the house and calls me lazy when certain thins are not done and also shouts at me when i protest that i was busy with our son too as well as shopping and cooking and cleaning. he tells me to do things differently and that i do evrything wrong, i should organise my time and i take too long to say feed our son, or i hold him too much when he;s crying. he tretas me like some robot..."when he is taking a break from feeding, don't just sit there...do soemthing else..start cleaning and come back when he seems ready to have more". this way i will wear myself out. i have to say that his mother does not let him do anythign...and she always gives her example of how caring a wife she used to be when his father was alive..that he also loved his house to be spotless and that she would ccok himanythung he wated and whenever he wanted it. she also thinks that it's ok for mn to be like that..that it normal for them to get angry when things are not done. i hardly have a moments peace except whe our son is sleeping which in that time i either have my lunch or then go on the net or excercise to lose the wieght of pregnancy..but that is only for a max of 2 hours throughout the day in two one hour stretches. when he returns from home he just sits infront of the computer and palys chess while i just sit there waitng for him to say soemthing nice to me. yesterday my husband rode the bus back home siitng next to a female collegue who i do not like the sound of because 1) she is an uncovered attractive girl who is unmarried 2) she wants to meet me and our son 3) they both have lunches together and they seem pretty freindly for her to invite me to women only party at her place i got vey angry with him and stormed out the room...now he refuses to clear things up telling me that he doesn't want to make me feel better as he doesn't care for my feelings anymore. please tell me what i can do!!! brothers i need advice on how to get through to him.i need some help please!!!!!! my husband and i have been marries over a year and we ahve a 4 month old son alh. before marriage my husband moved over to another country for work and lived by himslef for nearly a year until his mother cmae over. until she did he was doing everything himself.. and was doign it well so i am told by him. now after marriage he refuses to do anything to help me round the house and calls me lazy when certain thins are not done and also shouts at me when i protest that i was busy with our son too as well as shopping and cooking and cleaning. he tells me to do things differently and that i do evrything wrong, i should organise my time and i take too long to say feed our son, or i hold him too much when he;s crying. he tretas me like some robot..."when he is taking a break from feeding, don't just sit there...do soemthing else..start cleaning and come back when he seems ready to have more". this way i will wear myself out. i have to say that his mother does not let him do anythign...and she always gives her example of how caring a wife she used to be when his father was alive..that he also loved his house to be spotless and that she would ccok himanythung he wated and whenever he wanted it. she also thinks that it's ok for mn to be like that..that it normal for them to get angry when things are not done. i hardly have a moments peace except whe our son is sleeping which in that time i either have my lunch or then go on the net or excercise to lose the wieght of pregnancy..but that is only for a max of 2 hours throughout the day in two one hour stretches. when he returns from home he just sits infront of the computer and palys chess while i just sit there waitng for him to say soemthing nice to me. yesterday my husband rode the bus back home siitng next to a female collegue who i do not like the sound of because 1) she is an uncovered attractive girl who is unmarried 2) she wants to meet me and our son 3) they both have lunches together and they seem pretty freindly for her to invite me to women only party at her place i got vey angry with him and stormed out the room...now he refuses to clear things up telling me that he doesn't want to make me feel better as he doesn't care for my feelings anymore. please tell me what i can do!!! brothers i need advice on how to get through to him.i need some help please!!!!!! my husband and i have been marries over a year and we ahve a 4 month old son alh. before marriage my husband moved over to another country for work and lived by himslef for nearly a year until his mother cmae over. until she did he was doing everything himself.. and was doign it well so i am told by him. now after marriage he refuses to do anything to help me round the house and calls me lazy when certain thins are not done and also shouts at me when i protest that i was busy with our son too as well as shopping and cooking and cleaning. he tells me to do things differently and that i do evrything wrong, i should organise my time and i take too long to say feed our son, or i hold him too much when he;s crying. he tretas me like some robot..."when he is taking a break from feeding, don't just sit there...do soemthing else..start cleaning and come back when he seems ready to have more". this way i will wear myself out. i have to say that his mother does not let him do anythign...and she always gives her example of how caring a wife she used to be when his father was alive..that he also loved his house to be spotless and that she would ccok himanythung he wated and whenever he wanted it. she also thinks that it's ok for mn to be like that..that it normal for them to get angry when things are not done. i hardly have a moments peace except whe our son is sleeping which in that time i either have my lunch or then go on the net or excercise to lose the wieght of pregnancy..but that is only for a max of 2 hours throughout the day in two one hour stretches. when he returns from home he just sits infront of the computer and palys chess while i just sit there waitng for him to say soemthing nice to me. yesterday my husband rode the bus back home siitng next to a female collegue who i do not like the sound of because 1) she is an uncovered attractive girl who is unmarried 2) she wants to meet me and our son 3) they both have lunches together and they seem pretty freindly for her to invite me to women only party at her place i got vey angry with him and stormed out the room...now he refuses to clear things up telling me that he doesn't want to make me feel better as he doesn't care for my feelings anymore. please tell me what i can do!!! brothers i need advice on how to get through to him. |
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| BrKhalid |
| 06/28/02 at 10:25:57 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]please tell me what i can do!!! brothers i need advice on how to get through to him[/quote] InshaAllah Sister, things will get better. ;-) As to how to get through to him? It seems to me that talking things through at the moment isn't the easiest thing to do. But in order to clear the air as it were, you and your husband are going to have to sit down and talk things through. Think carefully about when is the best time to do this. A time when he is free and without distraction. Also think about how you're going to talk to him and what kind of manner you are going to adopt. Talking to someone is sometimes like giving Dawah in my opinion. You have to use wisdom in your approach and think about how best to get through to him. You have to let him know the way you're feeling but do it in a constructive way. If you shout and complain at him, human instinct is such that he may well not listen even if what you're saying is complete sense. As for specific problems, deal with each of these one by one. Let him have his say and vice versa. Try and find some middle ground if you can. ;-) |
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| Kashif |
| 06/28/02 at 11:21:07 |
| assalaamu alaikum I'm really sad to hear what you're going through. Since i'm not in ykur situation and have no experience of what you're going through, i don't know if my advice will be useful in a practical sense. One method that Dr. John Gray suggests that couples use to convey feelings is to write what he calls 'love letters.' These are letters which contain short sentences, with each focussing on one emotion. Something like "I get angry. I get angry when you don't listen to me and talk to me as if i'm a child I feel upset. I feel upset that you ignore me and say bad stuff to me, and ride home with another woman. I like you cos you are... [insert comment here]" I hope you get the idea. You then give the letter to your spouse to read. I haven't tried the method myself, but its one thing that i've read about, and worth trying in my opinion. Also, you should make plentiful du'a, because the hearts of Allah's servants are between His Fingers and He turns them which way He wills. Also, why don't you recommend that he reads "The Muslim Marriage guide" if he is into reading Islamic books. Also, if the other girl has expressed an interest in meeting you, perhaps you should. What have you got to lose? The situation with your hubby and this girl is hardly ideal, but like the someone already suggested, perhaps it will be better if you put your mark between the two of them. Does that make sense? ----------- In the long term, i think one of the means to root this kind of problem out is for brothers to be good husbands, and specifically to be seen as good husbands. If young men grow up in a community where their friends are seen to be kind to their families, and are known to make spending quality time with their wives a priority, and are prepared to admonish brothers and give good advice if they know that a brother is not treating his family well, then this will have a good effect on the younger ones bi-ithnillah. Because no one likes to be the odd one out. No one wants to be known as the one person in the community who is unkind to his family. Of course, this doesn't mean that brothers go around hugging their wives and all this kind of stuff in public, but consider the time when the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam journeyed with his companions and took his wife Safiyyah along with him. As they travelled, the camel that Safiyyah was riding suddenly stopped and sat down, and in typical camel fashion refused stubbornly to move. So she started crying. The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam's response wasn't to go over to her and scold her for 'embarrassing him' as i can well imagine some brothers might to their own wives; the Prophet took a piece of cloth and started wiping her tears away, and it is reported that the more he wiped her tears, the more she cried. Alhumdulillah, the best example for a man to follow. The point is that we know that this happened, because someone saw it happen and then reported it. Brothers should not fear the jokes of others when it comes to expressing kindness to their wives. And thats a point for other brothers and sisters to note too. When a brother says 'sorry pal, i can't hook up, i'm doing x, y, z for my wife tomorrow' the other brothers shouldn't joke too heavily if at all, with comments like 'she's got him wrapped round her thumb.' Likewise, sometimes sisters become jealous and start gossiping & backbiting about another sister just because her husband is very kind to her. Leave that which does not concern you, as the Prophet advised. Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
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| sam |
| 07/01/02 at 17:19:43 |
| [wlm] thankyou brother khalid and brother kashif...i will try these approaches but please make duaa for me as my husbadn is one of those types who likes to show others how much his wife can do for him...he makes it known that he is the one who gives the orses around the house and that he is the one who is control-not the women as that is seen as a BAD thing. once or twice i have given him peices of hadith and other islamic books on marriage ettiqutes and how to treat your wife but it seems to have had no affect. i read about how to keep your husband happy and i mashallah do nealry everything that is required/stated but he seems to think that he is the provider and i should be thankful for that and that if he is being loving or freindly/funny then that is the icing on the cake and that i should be very grateful as i have a lot more than what most women get fromtheir husbands. what do men like to see from thier wives? he is quite different with me around his family...then he HAS to show who's boss ordering me to stuff ahilst he sits back and watches refusing to lift a finger to help. he also requires my family to give him respect..that also means my parents!!!!! he beleives that he is the elsest son-in-law so he should be treated very well...should not be asked to fetch things from the fridge which my mother made the mistake of doing and not to be forced into anything..no helping my dad clean up or doing favours for him because then that means my parents are trying to be clever and are trying to dominate him.?!!!!! is this a normal male menatlity towards his wife's family? |
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| BrKhalid |
| 07/02/02 at 10:48:10 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]is this a normal male mentality towards his wife's family? [/quote] To me it doesn't matter if it is normal male mentality or not, the key question is whether it is normal Muslim mentality? Islam guides us and teaches us how to behave to our wives, our parents, our in laws etc etc. You just have to weigh up your actions against the criteria set down and the answer should be easy enough to find. |
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| mustafas_baba |
| 07/14/02 at 23:17:30 |
| [slm] Brothers(and undercover Sisters lurking out here) Interesting postings so far, not sure if I agree with all of them. At the risk of being called chauvinist, I would have to say that it should still be the primary responsiblity of the wife to maintain the house and kitchen. especially As far as cooking is concerened. I simply cannot imagine the standard being the husband dawning the apron and armed with a wooden chumcha(spoon) lovingly tending the Dhal in that nonstick pan! Thats simply not the model for Muslims men. Yes, we all live here in these countries where "equality" of sexes is the buzz word, but we have to keep in mind the tradional roles. Its primarily the wife's job to cook and take care of the kids. Men get to clean the bathrooms, mow the lawn, take the trash out, as well as vacuum the house. The buck stops at an occasional breakfast in bed for the wifey. Maybe if the Husband is an astute cook, a stray night of culinary excellence to get it off the chest ??? But to say that their should be a set of 'his' and 'her' aprons in the kitchen as a permanent fixture, is in my humble opinion, going against the traditions. Its great if a husband helps his wife with cleaning up afterwards, or other chores, but we need to keep in mind that it should be the primary responsibility of the wife. I was the 'baby' of the house all the way through till I moved to US and lived by myself starting at the age of 14. Thats when I learned to cook, and lookafter myself. So I totally understand that brothers should help the wives. Actually, I personally take pride in being able to cook better then maybe 90% of sisters I know ;). My wife utilizes these abilities many times(including just now as she is at the Masjid chillin at a Milad with my mom, and my Dad and my Son are at home with me, and she called asking me to whip up some good ol'Chicken Saalan for dinner :) ). So I am not saying that the borthers need to put that proverbial foot down, but rather that there are very well defined and distinct roles that men and women have in Islam. And to say that men should be 'equally' involved in the kitchen is to rob the women themselves of their opportunities to please Allah swt. ;) Same goes with the Children. Its funny, and you might think that Im making this up, but I thought of writing this point because just as I finished the paragraph above, I heard my 3 year old scream 'Baba, Im done' from the bathroom. You get the idea, right ? :D. So here I am, 5 minutes later, writing about helping out with children. I think its primarily the mother's job, although most fathers I know would love to take over this job. But that is not to say that men would never help, just that there is definitely a primary and secondary stakeholder for each process(chore) in a production line(daily life) ???. Dont ask, I dont know either And its because of this soarly clear fact to me, that I know that I dare not leave the newspaper lying around in any part of the house, designated to be continued to be read at some later time, lest I need to get the wrath of my Superwoman wife ;D and her need to keep the house looking better then martha's. Now if I could only match the troubled martha in the financial sector :-/ Looking forward to the tidal wave of responses from the all y'all on my chauvinism ;D |
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| sam |
| 07/16/02 at 09:35:50 |
| actually i don't think you are a chauvinist as what you have said i completely agree with. yeah the husband works and provides and the wife takes care of the home and cooks and looks after their children but i don't agree with men coming home and then expecting the wife to act like a slave around them...you know what i mean? like cleaning up their mess or playing fetch all day long. by the way it's the ifrst i've heard of a man cleaning the bathroom as a designated chore. |
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| bhaloo |
| 07/17/02 at 02:28:33 |
| [slm] Sister, perhaps you and your husband should visit the imaam in your community for some local counseling sessions, he can insha'Allah offer some sound advice and help with any questions and problems that you two maybe going through. |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/04/02 at 17:22:48 |
| [slm] Hmm in my family my dad did all the shopping and cooked biryani (i think biryani is just one of those things men are better at cooking!) my mum though did the majority of the cooking and cleaning. I can understand what some of the girls are saying but me in a pinny using the hoover....well frankly not on your nelly! |
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