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Family that is not close???

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Family that is not close???
Caraj
06/11/02 at 17:01:59
If one is to honor their parents and be good to their family,
What would one do when family is disrespectful, distant, dysfunctional and indifferent.

A couple years ago I basically left the area. Moved 2,000 miles away to be away from my disfunctional family. To begin healing from emotional scars.
Having a dear friend who drilled through my head
FAMILY ............. is not a title giving rights to abuse.
I decided one does not have to be blood to be family, as I have friends of 9 and another of 14 years who know me better and respect me better than blood family. They even know me better than my family does.

My husband has finally put his foot down and is tired of seeing my grown sons disrespect me that he doesn't want them over our home till they ... "GROW UP". He says I keep loving and loving and only get hurt in return and he doesn't like to see the hurt look on my face when this happens although I try to look brave and not hurt.

My mother is not a nurturing type. I feel like an alien when I'm around her.
Is it wrong to be there for them when they need you but keep distance.

My father maybe calls me once a year if I am lucky and I call him about once a month. When I was a child living back in our home town he did not exersize his visitation always having some excuse or another.

Now that I re-married last year I moved back to this area cause it is where my husbands job is.

Funny, we met when he was over seas as pen pals and when he returned to the U.S. his job landed him where I wanted to stay away from.
I often wonder if God / Allah aranged this. I wonder what his purpose was for landing me right back where I wanted to be away from.  ::)

Was it for healing? Am I to learn something from my family??? Purhaps them learn something from me?
Why was my personality one of loving and caring so much and then be born into a family who is not nurturing???

Is it wrong for me to keep away from my family so I am not emotionally abused?

Any advice? Opinions? Thoughts?
I love my family but being around them often hurts me.
My husband is loving, kind and supportive and is tired of seeing me hurt.
It is kind of a nice feeling being defended. Its different.   :)



06/11/02 at 17:06:30
Caraj
Re: Family that is not close???
mwishka
06/11/02 at 17:33:23
sis cara,

(oh, i guess "sis" is my habit now here -  :D  we're not muslims....  forgot..)

the best thing you can do is love your family.  but only as much as you are able. chances are most likely it was a lack of love and warmth and kindness that let them be the way they have been to you.  just let yourself feel open to them, and see them as no more than people who can not get a grasp on how to be good and kind in the world. they do NEED your love.  but try to always protect yourself, too - it sounds like your husband will always be there for you to help you do that.  tell your family in so many words when they hurt you.  tell them as kindly and as gently as you can, as to a child, even thought it might be your parents you're speaking to.  don't do things that hurt you, though.  you'll have to figure out the best ways for you to go about this, i can't guess what those ways might be.

and don't feel bad for anything you're not able to do.  only do what you can manage comfortably.

be kind and gentle on yourself, and it sounds like your husband will be there loving you and supporting you in whatever choices you make to try to bring your situation with your family to a better place in your life.

take care!  i wish you the best.

mwishka

Re: Family that is not close???
ltcorpest2
06/11/02 at 19:50:19
one thing is for certain,  families and the hurt never goes away.  I have a brother I have not talked to in 10 years.  I try to forget he is my brother  (i have 3 others), but you can't.  Alll of us have some baggage (or cross, but i probably should not use that phrase on here) to carry.  Not to be a downer, but some hurts stay with you for the rest of our lives.  But, good friends can be a grea blessing that can fill some voids.  But there are miracles, so i won't discount that possibility either.  anyways,  i probably didnt offer any guidance, except that we are all in the same boat one way or another.
Re: Family that is not close???
Red
06/11/02 at 22:04:39
[slm],

Sister, don't be so sad over not being close to your family, i think  everyone must have some trouble with family! It's best to just make sure you are always good to them, even though they are not respectful to you. It's real rough for anyone when your family continually refuses to say a single kind word, but i always figure as long you try extending your hand out maybe one day they will too.  :)  

wasalam,
red
Re: Family that is not close???
sunset
06/12/02 at 02:01:40
Not many of us are blessed with so called perfect family. I didnt experience a pleasant childhood myself just because there were problems in the family. At that time, how I wished my family could be somehow like some friends at school. I might feel very angry with my father for some of his actions but at the end I still love him the same, it doesnt change anything. My mom taught me always think of his goods rather than his bads. I guess it works cause I can be very very angry with him sometime but at the end, I tend to forgive him just because he is my father and I love him so much.

I am glad to say that in years my father has changed.. not dramatically but there are changes and I am so please about it. True, he couldn't make up for the years from my childhood but at least I get to see a better version of him and this is good enough for me.

You are blessed with a kind and loving husband now :)  Think of those who came from the kind of family we wished for but sometimes they ended up with an unhappy married life. Personally I would not advice you to keep away totally from your family cause they are and will always be apart of your life. Letting go the pain and forgiving is not an easy job but if you could do this, it would do good for you.

As a result from my experience, I kind of have ideas about the kind of family I like to have when/if I marry but these are just my ideas/hopes. I will never know what has been written for me in the future anyway  ::)  So I just have to expect for the best and prepare for the worst ;)

At any rate Cara, I wish that things will turn out fine between you and your family.

My best wishes,
:-) sunset

Re: Family that is not close???
Kareema_Abdul-Khab
06/12/02 at 02:47:16
I don't think its wrong to keep away from your family.You are not a sacrificial lamb, so if a familial atmosphere worthy of a family is not present, I don't think you need to be at every holdiday occasion. Might wanna check in everyonce in a while to assure them your'e not dead, though.

Being nice is not letting people do whatever they like to you. It's more about helping out their sincere efforts. When you enable  the abuse to continue with no check on their behavior, they aren't being helped either, because they still have the burden of their misbehavior on them. So, help the 'oppressor by stopping the oppression'as a hadith says in Islam, not continual appeasement. Any short term feel-good feeling you get is likely to pave the road for more pain. Plan in the long-term for what's best for you and what's best for them, which is for them to stop their behavior. I'm not saying throw them out on the streets or slam the door in their faces, but be cautious about whether they really'need' your help.

You probably were helped to become so loving and caringby promising yourself that you would never carry out the kinds of 'emotional crimes' against others that your family has carried out against you, as children of alcoholics promise to never drink, kids of workaholics spend more time with their kids, etc.

Are you by any chance expecting a reciprocation of love and caring when you give it out? Realize that any of this you give to your family should be thought of as charity, with no pressing expectation of return. While the pressure to reciprocate works with people who have a consecience, realize that something is wrong, etc., it can be a lost cause when not done at the right times/places/persons.

Oh yeah, celebrate any glacial positive changes in their behavior [] and let them know you appreciate it.

Remember-family are the people you happen to be biologically related to , friends are the ones you choose out of your own free will :-*

Sorry if this sounds a bit hard-core,
Kareema
Re: Family that is not close???
UmmWafi
06/13/02 at 11:40:03
Salaam Cara

I know that this oft repeated cliche can be tiresome but I truly believe that Allah works in mysterious ways.  It would be wonderful if we were all born with a life map and a handbook but unfortunately....

We can speculate and guess on the many reasons things happened in our life and we can hypothesise about what our reaction should be.  However, at the end of the day, we must realise that, aside from rational thoughts, we must also have deep faith.  Faith that if we are sincere in our intentions, then God will ease our path.

I too have my assessment of what could possibly be the reasons for your return to your hometown.  Have you made peace with your feelings about your family and your relationship with them ? I may be wrong but it sounds as if you are still deeply affected by what happened in the past and what could possibly happen in the future.  Maybe you coming back is a way to help you come to terms with your internal struggles.  Seems to me that things reach a point where it hurts u too much that u had to get away from the situation.  Getting some space is good, and can be mentally healthy too, but up to a point.  No matter how far u go and no matter how much you try, someday the demons can only be exorcised with painful truths.

Sighhh....I wish I have answers for you sis but I don't.  Insya'Allah my dua for you and hope that there will be more to smile about in the future :)


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