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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| My sister is tearing my heart piece by piece |
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| Zara |
| 06/17/02 at 07:42:46 |
| [slm] problem: someone is causing shuba 'suspicion' about character of a sister and this other sister is refusing to say what the shuba is all about.....causing the sister concerned to feel upset because she has no idea what she possibly could have said that she is now the 'bad guy' i don't know anymore than that so how do i resolve the sister's situation when all parties refuse to communicate ??? help ! [wlm] >:( |
| Re: My sister is tearing my heart piece by piece |
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| simba |
| 06/17/02 at 11:15:53 |
| assalamu'alakum sister, I am assuming you are a younger sister, possibly in high school or college, so I will give you this simple advice. You have too many other things to worry about in maintaining your own hayaa, imaan, and taqwah to worry about the interpersonal relationships of others. I know it sounds harsh, but many times we tend to give so much attention to our social lives and "problems", we ignore the more important priorities that elevate our deen. Trust me, dont give too much heed as to what others think about you or anyone else. You may think that as an ummah, it is our duty to make sure we live in harmony with one another, but that harmony can only exist if Muslims as a whole, each and every individual, first thinks of being benevolent, altruistic, and merciful to one another, instead of being critical and judgemental. Even the sahaba had difficulty living in that perfect harmony, and they were neighbors, relatives, and lived within such close proximity that they would see each other day in and day out. So if the sahaba had problems w/ their level of knowledge and understanding, and living so close to one another, then trying to force that harmony in our day and age will only lead to fitnah. That fitnah is distraction. You are distracted from focussing on your imaan and taqwah bc u are preoccupied w/ a worldly matter, and the reason its such a great fitnah is because you inherently feel you are doing something good for your imaan by trying to create harmony between Muslims. In all reality, you could be attracting further attention to a situation which could die out w/ time by even becoming involved, and thus creating even more fitnah. Minding one's own business is 1/4 of your deen. Sometimes, what someone else thinks of YOU yourself is not even your business :), for you may not have communicated anything to that person to have them form that opinion. That means whatever they are thinking, is either heresay, (which is from gheeba), an exagerration, (which is a nameema), or a suspicion (which is eating from the flesh of your back). Either way, they are in haram, and then it becomes YOUR responsibility to hide the sin of your brother/sister. The best way to hide someone else's sin, is to ignore it outright, especially if your involvement would create more fitnah. Now, you might be thinking about the hadith, "if you see something haram, then stop it with your hands, if you cannot, speak against it w/ your tongue, and if you cannot, then hate it in your heart." Well, the things you can stop with your hands are explicit. its an action that takes place at a particular moment in time. You are already apparently speaking against it, and no one is responding. Now all you can do is hate it with your heart. And if you hate something, you must avoid it. Hope this helped. assalamu'alaikum a rahmatullah |
| Re: My sister is tearing my heart piece by piece |
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| Kareema_Abdul-Khab |
| 06/18/02 at 02:20:03 |
| [slm] Secret Evidence. When the charge is unknown, a competent defense is impossible to put together. How can the sister defend herself against untruth if she doesn't know what it is? I thought the whole idea of back-biting is because it is cowardly, hurts people without allowing people a chance to explain/defend their actions. Perhaps you could explain this to the people who are spreading the shuba or know about it and see if they have any reason for denying her her'right of reply'? If this doesn't work, the most you can do is when this topic comes up again, raise the point of secret evidence and try to keep it from spreading. |
| Re: My sister is tearing my heart piece by piece |
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| Soulman |
| 06/18/02 at 05:15:56 |
| [slm] Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post, I hope inshallah things will become easir between you. I agree with the others and would like to add... ;D It does not really matter to you whether the sister is guilty or innocent of what the gossiper has told you; what matters is that the gossiper was permitted to spread the gossip to you. Basically you can consider gossip as a kind of virus, once you are infected with it you feel a distaste towards others in your heart. >:( The virus makes you feel like you want to tell someone else, and so the gossip virus spreads to the next person. Treatment for this disease is similar to that of other viruses, make yourself a hot cup of tea and retire to bed for two days and you WILL get better. For the benefit of others, make sure you do not go and spread it around. 8) In order not to catch the virus you need to move quickly: the minute you find symptoms of the gossip disease in others you must step in and cut it short. Imagine a person with a runny nose about to sneeze, you recognize the sneeze coming :P (by the short inbreaths and watery eyes) and you can a) pass them a hanky or b) dive for cover. The same way when someone is about to gossip (they usually start "Did you hear about so-and-so...") then you can answer quickly "I don't want to hear about so-and-so" or you can run for cover by leaving the the room completely. :o The prophet [saw] said "I have forbidden for my nafs three things: he-said-she-said (ie. gossip); argueing with others; and involving myself in that which does not concern me." His is the best guidance, :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* [wlm] Soulman ;-) |
| 06/18/02 at 05:21:25 |
| Soulman |
| Re: My sister is tearing my heart piece by piece |
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| Zara |
| 06/18/02 at 06:24:39 |
| [slm] [quote] I am assuming you are a younger sister, possibly in high school or college, so I will give you this simple advice. [/quote] that made me smile because everyone thinks i am a college student and I am often asked if i have completed my a-levels. i am actually due to graduate in september but i posed the problem in the simplest way possible in the little time i had to post on the board. [quote] Secret Evidence. When the charge is unknown, a competent defense is impossible to put together. How can the sister defend herself against untruth if she doesn't know what it is? I thought the whole idea of back-biting is because it is cowardly, hurts people without allowing people a chance to explain/defend their actions. Perhaps you could explain this to the people who are spreading the shuba or know about it and see if they have any reason for denying her her'right of reply'? If this doesn't work, the most you can do is when this topic comes up again, raise the point of secret evidence and try to keep it from spreading. [/quote] yes, it is rather difficult to resolve a problem between people who do not want to be open about what grievances they have against each other. wallahu'alam jazaks for the advice. you have certainly assured me that the matter has now lost it's sense of urgency, after all how can one solve the matter when the people involved do not want to speak face to face and insha'allah soon it will be forgotten. here's something that might help y'all when your friends says: hey, do you what i just heard about your friend....... stop your friend right there! proceed to ask your friend three questions: what you are about to tell me is it the truth? is the knowledge something good about the person? is it beneficial knowledge? if the answer is no to any of these then refrain from hearing such talk because in essence the information has failed the triple filter test. [quote] it is either heresay, (which is from gheeba), an exagerration, (which is a nameema), or a suspicion (which is eating from the flesh of your back). [/quote] quite succinctly summarise by simba. I disagree with the following to some extent... [quote] The best way to hide someone else's sin, is to ignore it outright, especially if your involvement would create more fitnah. [/quote] the best way to hide a sin is to not expose it in front of people and advise your brother/sister that he/she has done wrong in the best and most tactful way without looking down at them. after all you should help your brother/sister whether they are the oppressor or the oppressed. jazahkum allah khairun [wlm] :-) |
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