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[Because I want you too.....]
Zara
06/21/02 at 08:36:30
[slm]


Well thats what theysometimes say when you say why ???

In my short life I have seen divorce rates increase from being rare to a commonplace everyday happenings and people want to know why.  why is something which is supposed to be a last resort used and abused to get break the sanctity of marriage ???

Let me share some of the knowledge that comes with the package of having a very painful wisdom tooth *ouch*  ;)

I could just say well its a sign of qiyaamah (approaching of judgement day) that there is fitnah in every house testing the people on which it befalls.  however it is not suffice to leave it at that.

lets begin with the views of some people, i'l let u figure if its a brother view or sister.

#i'm going out 2 giv dawah 2 a sister, can u finish the dinner so it's ready for when i get back? jazaks

#no u can't work, i want you to stay at home ok. its better for you to take care of the kids full-time.  anyway i'm late for work we will tak when i return.

#i'm used to working and i find it hard to be cooped up at home all day everyday, can't we go out for dinner ???

#why????

#because i want you too

#i'm tired and why isn't the dinner ready ???

#can't i go part time ??? the walls keep closing in on me :(

[B]Ok br/sr's you get the jist of the problems right ???

communication is not too good and there are no explanations on the brother's part as to why the sister should stay at home all day - everyday.  where are the hadith/ quran quotes ???

where is the mutual love / mercy ???

would you walk out on a person mid conversation ???

where's the patience ???

[/B]


read below :

Volume 2, Book 13, Number 23:
Narrated Ibn Umar:

One of the wives of Umar (bin Al-Khattab) used to offer the Fajr and the 'Isha' prayer in congregation in the Mosque. She was asked why she had come out for the prayer as she knew that Umar disliked it, and he has great ghaira (self-respect). She replied, "What prevents him from stopping me from this act?" The other replied, "The statement of Allah's Apostle (p.b.u.h) : 'Do not stop Allah's women-slave from going to Allah s Mosques' prevents him."

masha'allah here is someone in whose heart resides love for allah's appostle, Rasul'allah  [saw]

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 465:
Narrated Abu Huraira:

While we were in the company of the Prophet, he said, "While I was asleep, I saw myself in Paradise and there I beheld a woman making ablution beside a palace, I asked, To whom does this palace belong? 'They said, To 'Umar bin Al-Khattab.' Then I remembered 'Umar's Ghaira (concerning women), and so I quickly went away from that palace." (When 'Umar heard this from the Prophet), he wept and said, "Do you think it is likely that I feel Ghaira because of you, O Allah's Apostle?"

subhan'allah.  however today people do still have ghaira but it has escalated to becoming malicious in the sense that a spouse of today may disapprove of their other half even going out or acknowledging a salaam.  

1)essentially i want to know what is the level of ghaira like on the board.

2)would you have different rules of conduct for yourself and different one's   for your other half ??? I mean if you give daw'aa to the opposite sex would you mind your other half doing likewise ???

3)what would your thoughts be if you saw your other half speaking to a stranger ??? Would you react to this or respond ???

(react means to do something in haste like assume the worst and respond means to question the situation and then come to a conclusion)

also, unmarried people can answer too.    ;)

bring on the answers..............

[wlm]

:-)

ps forgive the intrusion, else i may have to ask jannah to move the post to akhwat.....

06/21/02 at 09:13:11
Zara
Re: [Because I want you too.....]
Barr
06/24/02 at 05:17:58
[color=red]
[move][sub] :-*Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting?  :-*Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting?  :-*Why are we waiting? [/move] [/sub][/color]
Re: [Because I want you too.....]
dirt
06/24/02 at 06:51:21
[slm]

Concerning dawah, I wouldn't hesitate to give dawah to a female if I was the only person around.  However, that being said, the first opportunity I was able  to call in the local reinforcements (aka women), I would pass off that person to them.  I would expect my wife (if I ever have one) to do the same.  Prolonged dawah to members of the opposite sex just seems unnecessary and has too much potential for disaster.  Now if it was in a work environment where I was in constant contact with the person, then I still wouldn't hesitate to answer questions and provide information while at work.  But I would let the reinforcements (aka women) take care of the off duty stuff.  Seems like common sense to me.

Concerning my wife (if I ever have one) talking to a man...this is almost a trick question.  On the one hand...I would instinctively feel a little jealous.  On the other hand I would think with my intellect and reason out that there is probably a good explanation for the conversation, whether it be dawah, business related stuff, somebody just asking directions, or whatever.  The problem comes from letting the instinctual jealousy dominate too quickly and allowing myself to jump to conclusions.  And this is where effective, honest, and respectful communication skills come in handy.

I've seen sooo many problems stem from poor communications between two or more parties.  Be that husbands and wives, co-workers, friends, family, or whoever.  More problems arise out of miscommunication than I can shake a fist at.  With this in mind, one's spouse should be of paramount concern for communicating effectively, honestly, and respectfully.  

This question also brings up a little monster named jealousy.  A little jealousy can be a good thing but when it gets out of hand, it is nothing but ugly.  

Example of good jealousy:  I See my wife talking with another man but through respectful communication determine that the man was lost and needed help.  I would be thankful to Allah swt. for providing me with such a kind and compassionate wife.  But that initial jealousy would still remain and would need to be diffused somehow.  Well, that diffusion can come in the form of what I will call (bowing to the need for discretion on the forum) "quality together time" or you married people may refer to it as QT (quality time).  So, in my opinion, small amounts of jealousy (and I stress small) can actually strengthen a relationship when combined with good communication skills, understanding, and patience.

Example of bad jealousy:  Take the same situation where I see my wife talking with another man only this time I allow my inherent jealousy to overwhelm my intellectual side and dominate my actions.  I start imagining what they could be talking about and of course one always imagines the worst.  So this builds and builds until I finally confront her about it.  At this point,  open, honest, effective, and respectful communication can still save this confrontation from exploding and becoming a disaster.  But since this is a bad example we'll pretend that I fall prey to my emotions and instead of asking her with patience and an open mind about what was going on, I accuse her of what she was doing.  This is bad......very very bad.  This will lead to nothing but problems between her and I and will most likely result in me sleeping on the couch and a week later realizing how much of a jerk I was being thus making me spend copious amounts of money and time to make up for what I did.....and that's [i]if[/i] she'll accept my apologies.

We all have a great example of an amazing communicator in our very own deen.  The prophet Muhammad Salla Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam never raised his voice to his children or his wives.  He showed them kindness, mercy, patience, and understanding and in doing so he showed all of us how to treat one another.  

And I will close with a hadith which I feel has something to do with this subject.  As we all know, situations such as these with our loved ones tend to invoke strong emotions and at times they can seem overwhelming.  Let me assure you from my own experience that no good comes from speaking and acting out of anger ESPECIALLY to your loved ones.

Hadith - Sahih Al-Bukhari 8.135, Narrated Abu Huraira, r.a.

Allah's Apostle (saaws) said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger."


I'm sorry if I went off on a few tangents there...I got sidetracked with the whole jealousy thing.  Um...so yeah, the bottom line is establishing honest and respectful communication is a key factor in maintaining a good relationship and all one has to do is look at our beloved prophet (SAW) for an example.



P.S.  I don't know what ghaira means so I couldn't answer that one and I apologize if this is just a ramble of craziness.


[wlm]
06/24/02 at 06:59:32
dirt
Re: [Because I want you too.....]
BrKhalid
06/24/02 at 07:06:26
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-)

I think as has already been said, communication is the key.

Knowing *why* someone does something goes a long way in trying to rationalise people's behaviour.


On a separate point using the phrase

"Because I want you to...."

doesn't give a "win-win" sutuation in management speak.


One side feels victorious whilst the other feels they've lost out.



06/24/02 at 07:20:07
BrKhalid
Re: [Because I want you too.....]
Zara
06/26/02 at 04:37:42
[quote author=dirt link=board=bro;num=1024662991;start=0#2 date=06/24/02 at 06:51:21] [slm]

Concerning dawah, I wouldn't hesitate to give dawah to a female if I was the only person around.  However, that being said, the first opportunity I was able  to call in the local reinforcements (aka women), I would pass off that person to them.  I would expect my wife (if I ever have one) to do the same.  Prolonged dawah to members of the opposite sex just seems unnecessary and has too much potential for disaster.  Now if it was in a work environment where I was in constant contact with the person, then I still wouldn't hesitate to answer questions and provide information while at work.  But I would let the reinforcements (aka women) take care of the off duty stuff.  Seems like common sense to me.

Concerning my wife (if I ever have one) talking to a man...this is almost a trick question.  On the one hand...I would instinctively feel a little jealous.  On the other hand I would think with my intellect and reason out that there is probably a good explanation for the conversation, whether it be dawah, business related stuff, somebody just asking directions, or whatever.  The problem comes from letting the instinctual jealousy dominate too quickly and allowing myself to jump to conclusions.  And this is where effective, honest, and respectful communication skills come in handy.

I've seen sooo many problems stem from poor communications between two or more parties.  Be that husbands and wives, co-workers, friends, family, or whoever.  More problems arise out of miscommunication than I can shake a fist at.  With this in mind, one's spouse should be of paramount concern for communicating effectively, honestly, and respectfully.  

This question also brings up a little monster named jealousy.  A little jealousy can be a good thing but when it gets out of hand, it is nothing but ugly.  

Example of good jealousy:  I See my wife talking with another man but through respectful communication determine that the man was lost and needed help.  I would be thankful to Allah swt. for providing me with such a kind and compassionate wife.  But that initial jealousy would still remain and would need to be diffused somehow.  Well, that diffusion can come in the form of what I will call (bowing to the need for discretion on the forum) "quality together time" or you married people may refer to it as QT (quality time).  So, in my opinion, small amounts of jealousy (and I stress small) can actually strengthen a relationship when combined with good communication skills, understanding, and patience.

Example of bad jealousy:  Take the same situation where I see my wife talking with another man only this time I allow my inherent jealousy to overwhelm my intellectual side and dominate my actions.  I start imagining what they could be talking about and of course one always imagines the worst.  So this builds and builds until I finally confront her about it.  At this point,  open, honest, effective, and respectful communication can still save this confrontation from exploding and becoming a disaster.  But since this is a bad example we'll pretend that I fall prey to my emotions and instead of asking her with patience and an open mind about what was going on, I accuse her of what she was doing.  This is bad......very very bad.  This will lead to nothing but problems between her and I and will most likely result in me sleeping on the couch and a week later realizing how much of a jerk I was being thus making me spend copious amounts of money and time to make up for what I did.....and that's [i]if[/i] she'll accept my apologies.

We all have a great example of an amazing communicator in our very own deen.  The prophet Muhammad Salla Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam never raised his voice to his children or his wives.  He showed them kindness, mercy, patience, and understanding and in doing so he showed all of us how to treat one another.  

And I will close with a hadith which I feel has something to do with this subject.  As we all know, situations such as these with our loved ones tend to invoke strong emotions and at times they can seem overwhelming.  Let me assure you from my own experience that no good comes from speaking and acting out of anger ESPECIALLY to your loved ones.

Hadith - Sahih Al-Bukhari 8.135, Narrated Abu Huraira, r.a.

Allah's Apostle (saaws) said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger."


I'm sorry if I went off on a few tangents there...I got sidetracked with the whole jealousy thing.  Um...so yeah, the bottom line is establishing honest and respectful communication is a key factor in maintaining a good relationship and all one has to do is look at our beloved prophet (SAW) for an example.



P.S.  I don't know what ghaira means so I couldn't answer that one and I apologize if this is just a ramble of craziness.


[wlm][/quote]

Masha'allah well written.  i'm sorry for not defining ghairah properly.  it is concerned with mans sense of honour and the pangs of jealousy stimulate your sense of ghairah therefore like the brother said small amounts of jealousy are good if they are not allowed to escalate to extortionate amounts.  

[B]I would like a little more input on how married/unmarried people respond/react to stimuli attacking their sense of honour or quite simply put how do you deal with jealousy in terms of your other half. ???[/B]

Also remember that many people agree that children sometimes do as you do, rather than do as you say.  So if one spouse feels that it is ok to involve themselves in lots of dawah with the opposite sex due to them saying '......well my dawah skills are better than a womans skills....' then would this be justified.......and of course the resigning statement of the argumet is '......you can't give your co-worker dawah or even reccommend him to a practicing brother because that is what i want....khalaas....finito discussion terminated! '

[quote]

posted by BrKhalid
I think as has already been said, communication is the key.

Knowing *why* someone does something goes a long way in trying to rationalise people's behaviour.


On a separate point using the phrase  

"Because I want you to...."

doesn't give a "win-win" sutuation in management speak.


One side feels victorious whilst the other feels they've lost out.

[/quote]

This is like a catch 22 phrase where your other half gives you a pleading look and terminates the discussion with this annoying phrase.....

[slm]

:-)

ps feel free to re-define ghairah because i am not ure if my definition makes sense.




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