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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
putting the foot down-a wife's problem |
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sam |
07/03/02 at 04:37:38 |
[slm] this is a similar situation as the "putting the foot down-bothers only" topic except i am the wife who is constantly given the "head-of-th-household" speech whenever i forget to do soemthing i am told or when i tell my husband that i will do it later (when he tells me to do it right away and i say i will do it later because i may be busy with ie. our baby,he gets angry/annoyed and tells me to do it right then) -he asks me to do the most mundane things such as: -get me a glass of water if we are sitting in the living room -get me the ketchup when we've started eating -get me another plate whilst eating -get me some juice whilst eating -i have to continually get up whilst eating to do these small jobs plus when my son starts crying then i have to go and get him. -at dinner parties i am usually the last one to start eating after brinign the foods in along wiht the help of my mother-in-law. but the whilst eating i would be told to go get the drinks, we need more plates, glasses...even then my dinner is disrupted usually about 4 times...oh well!! -the bed is not done right make it again, the duvet should look smooth not creased. -get me the book i do all what he asks..never palinly refuse as i love him and want to please him although i do get extremely annoyed at the fact that he cannot do any chore for me. ie -can u put the kettle on (son was crying and i needed hot water to warm his milk whilst i was changing his clothes after a bath) - can u hang this shirt up..i cannot reach ( he sometimes does it but looks abit annoyed because i asked him to do soemthing, but mostly he will tell me to get the foot stool and use that to hang the shirt up) is this what men want fro their wives so to feel superior within the household. oh one day we had a row and he told me to leave as this was HIS HOUSE. is this not also the wife's house and does she have equal rights to stay there...i know it was not meant serioudly it was just said in the heat of the moment but it just got me thinking...a women leaves her house to go to live with her husband, her parents home is no longer hers so if a husband can say that the house is his then does this mean the wife is homeless? is she just a tenent in her husbands house who pays rent by doing chores and keeping him happy? |
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem |
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jannah |
07/03/02 at 06:01:45 |
[slm] Sister I've been reading your posts for a while and think that there are some serious issues going on in your marriage. And I think none of us are qualified to really counsel you on these things because we aren't professionals, haven't been through those similar problems or don't really know what is going on without discussing all of these issues with both parties. I think you should try to see what alternatives you have in counseling, Muslim and professional. |
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem |
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Fatimah |
07/03/02 at 06:24:43 |
salam alaikum wrwb sis, I was reading your post and I came up with some advices to tell you to maybe help you out a little. First of all, I know it must be very difficult to do all the chores and ect... while having a 4 month old. I dont have any children so I dont really know what you are going through with that... but, since Ive been married, I have learned of things that my husband likes and things he doesnt like. I try to avoid things that could make him upset. I try to please him as much as possible. I have found that when I do this..to the best of my ability, he does the same for me. I know my husband likes ketchup on his macaroni, so everytime I make macaroni, I serve ketchup too, just in case he wants it. I bring the whole pitcher of water, juice, milk, ect... to the table so he can drink as much as his heart desires. Once I see his plate is almost finished..I usually ask him if he wants more. Not that I have to, but because I love him. If this bothers you to get up while you are eating, try bringing all the food to the table. I do this sometimes when Im making his favorite dish, or I put extra rice on my plate so that when he finishes his, he can scrape some off my plate onto his. As for the dinner parties...well, not that I have to, but because I want to make him look good, I usually eat last so I can serve him and his friends everything. Its hard to eat and make tea and get glasses all at once ;) Of coarse I dont have to do this, he could do it himself, but I enjoy making him happy. It only happens every couple months, so I dont really mind. Im usually full by the time its time to eat anyways, because I snack so much in the kitchen while cooking ;) I guess what Im trying to say is, try to do things before he asks you to do them. Try to figure out what he likes and what he doesnt. Dont be suprised if he might even start treating you better and doing more things for you. If this doesnt improve things..you guys should really sit down together and discuss what it is that you guys want out of your relationship. Of coarse you dont have to do any of this.. But Im just thinking if you love him and want to improve your situation with him..this might help. Allahu Alim. By the way, its not just his house, it is yours too. He cant just kick you out. You have more of a right to be there, because you are a woman. Its a must on you to spend your Idda (in case of a dicorce) in your marriage house. There is an ayah in the Quran talking about this. I really wish you the best, I ask Allah to improve your marriage and make it one of happiness and peace for the both of you. Life surely isnt easy. Its all about patience. Allahu Alim salam alaikum |
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem |
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Kathy |
07/03/02 at 10:46:36 |
[wlm] Sam I hope you take jannah's advice seriously. What kind of avenues for help are available to you? Do you have a Muslim community?, an Imam?, a counselour? Do you have family that you could stay with temporarily, if need be? Did you ever write him your letter? Fatimah's suggestions are great. How long have you been married? Sometimes it takes a couple of years to pre- guess what your partner needs. When I was having problems similar- but not as severe as your hubby- a sister gave me some good advice. She said 'do not do things to please your husband- do them to please Allah swt.' I know it is symantics.. but it made my life alot more bearable. If he asked me to do something, that in my opinion, because of how he treated me was unjustified... i would think to myself--I am doing this to please Allah, not you.... and I would say that out loud to him. There are ways of having him learn not to have immediate gratification: When he asks you for that glass of water while you are in the middle of feeding... Say with a smile.. sure and hand him the baby. I remember when his family asked me to make a dinner @10:30 pm. I had been out for most of the day and was very exhausted. I had made a meal which was in the refridgerator... but apparently it wasn't what they liked. It wasn't the first and I really grudingly did it many times before. Something snapped in me and i made a exaggerated look at the clock, yawned and said with a laugh- the kitchen closed at 8pm... help yourself to what ever you want in the fridge! [i]I felt so guilty as i lay in bed listening to them in the kitchen... but you know what? they never asked again.[/i] Once I was having a rare dinner party with my woman friends. My hubby came in and said he wanted me to iron his father's shirts. I was boiling mad. There was no reason for this... other than I think he wanted to show off his control. I smiled and said yes dear... and in the middle of the dinner I pulled out the ironing board and did all five! I walked them over to my hubby... and sweetly gave them to him saying... I can't imagine what the woman think of meor you by having to do this while in the middle of entertaining them. He never did it again. -the bed is not done right make it again, the duvet should look smooth not creased. "could you please show me how you would like it?" -get me the book "sure honey, i will be right with you" finish what you are doing and hand him the book he wanted and a marriage one. Chores- he will help you if there is a reward for him. There are a couple of things my hubby asks me to do that I feel are just too much. In these cases I just say... I will do it just as soon as i finish 123. If you help I will get to your request so much quicker. So many times I would pick up after him and do "his" jobs. and he knew it. Like taking out the garbage. He would "forget" so I would do it. One week I was fiesty and didn't do it. By next week- the can (outside) was full of maggots. He never "forgot" again! -" can u hang this shirt up..i cannot reach... mostly he will tell me to get the foot stool and use that to hang the shirt up)" Leave it there... get to it when you can. Tell him his son is a priority over a shirt and you of course would want to take care of the child first. The rest of the stuff you have told us inregard to his comments are just out of line... hence why jannah said you all need counseling. He may not even know of a woman's rights. I just need to caution you tho... tread carefully if he has a violent temper. If you use any of my suggestions be aware it will not be easy. I am sure there are many women out there saying... get rid of him, walk out, don't do it. Sometimes it is not so easy. Except if there is violence. then get out. Mine has improved immensely...but it has taken many years of marriage. I think the real turn around happened when I took the sister's advice and did everything for my hubby with the intention of pleasing Allah swt. Because then the anger and frustration was gone. Insha Allah I was pleasing Allah swt and banking up good deeds. This was much better than grumbling under my breath as I fetched the water. Also keep in mind that you are raising a child- to be a future husband. Break the cycle now. Was his father this way? |
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem |
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sam |
07/06/02 at 11:37:10 |
[slm] i'm afraid that where i live an imaam that's speaks in english is extremely rare!!! also i do not have a counselor and i don't think i would want one either... my family is abroad but only an hours flight away, nervertheless i cannot go see them whenever i feel like it...i don't think my husband would agree to that..plus he doesn't think my family gives good advice..he doesn't like them very much :( i cannot discuss this matter with anyone!!!! but i have used jaanah.org as a means of help and advice...am i doing wrong coz i am not allowed to discuss married life with others? we have been married for 1 year and 7 months...i haven't written the letter yet as he has been abroad on training for a week and returns tomorrow. his father? i dunno wheter he was like this but motheork.swf"> |
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