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putting the foot down-a wife's problem

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putting the foot down-a wife's problem
sam
07/03/02 at 04:37:38
[slm]
this is a similar situation as the "putting the foot down-bothers only" topic except i am the wife who is constantly given the "head-of-th-household" speech whenever i forget to do soemthing i am told or when i tell my husband that i will do it later (when he tells me to do it right away and i say i will do it later because i may be busy with ie. our baby,he gets angry/annoyed and tells me to do it right then)

-he asks me to do the most mundane things such as:
-get me a glass of water if we are sitting in the living room
-get me the ketchup when we've started eating
-get me another plate whilst eating
-get me some juice whilst eating
-i have to continually get up whilst eating to do these small jobs plus when my son starts crying then i have to go and get him.
-at dinner parties i am usually the last one to start eating after brinign the foods in along wiht the help of my mother-in-law. but the whilst eating i would be told to go get the drinks, we need more plates, glasses...even then my dinner is disrupted usually about 4 times...oh well!!

-the bed is not done right make it again, the duvet should look smooth not creased.
-get me the book

i do all what he asks..never palinly refuse as i love him and want to please him although i do get extremely annoyed at the fact that he cannot do any chore for me. ie

-can u put the kettle on (son was crying and i needed hot water to warm his milk whilst i was changing his clothes after a bath)
- can u hang this shirt up..i cannot reach ( he sometimes does it but looks abit annoyed because i asked him to do soemthing, but mostly he will tell me to get the foot stool and use that to hang the shirt up)

is this what men want fro their wives so to feel superior within the household.
oh one day we had a row and he told me to leave as this was HIS HOUSE. is this not also the wife's house and does she have equal rights to stay there...i know it was not meant serioudly it was just said in the heat of the moment but it just got me thinking...a women leaves her house to go to live with her husband, her parents home is no longer hers so if a husband can say that the house is his then does this mean the wife is homeless? is she just a tenent in her husbands house who pays rent by doing chores and keeping him happy?
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
jannah
07/03/02 at 06:01:45
[slm]

Sister I've been reading your posts for a while and think that there are some serious issues going on in your marriage. And I think none of us are qualified to really counsel you on these things because we aren't professionals, haven't been through those similar problems or don't really know what is going on without discussing all of these issues with both parties. I think you should try to see what alternatives you have in counseling, Muslim and professional.

Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
Fatimah
07/03/02 at 06:24:43
salam alaikum wrwb sis,
I was reading your post and I came up with some advices to tell you to maybe help you out a little. First of all, I know it must be very difficult to do all the chores and ect... while having a 4 month old. I dont have any children so I dont really know what you are going through with that... but, since Ive been married, I have learned of things that my husband likes and things he doesnt like. I try to avoid things that could make him upset. I try to please him as much as possible. I have found that when I do this..to the best of my ability, he does the same for me. I know my husband likes ketchup on his macaroni, so everytime I make macaroni, I serve ketchup too, just in case he wants it. I bring the whole pitcher of water, juice, milk, ect... to the table so he can drink as much as his heart desires. Once I see his plate is almost finished..I usually ask him if he wants more. Not that I have to, but because I love him. If this bothers you to get up while you are eating, try bringing all the food to the table. I do this sometimes when Im making his favorite dish, or I put extra rice on my plate so that when he finishes his, he can scrape some off my plate onto his.
As for the dinner parties...well, not that I have to, but because I want to make him look good, I usually eat last so I can serve him and his friends everything. Its hard to eat and make tea and get glasses all at once ;) Of coarse I dont have to do this, he could do it himself, but I enjoy making him happy. It only happens every couple months, so I dont really mind. Im usually full by the time its time to eat anyways, because I snack so much in the kitchen while cooking ;)
I guess what Im trying to say is, try to do things before he asks you to do them. Try to figure out what he likes and what he doesnt. Dont be suprised if he might even start treating you better and doing more things for you. If this doesnt improve things..you guys should really sit down together and discuss what it is that you guys want out of your relationship.
Of coarse you dont have to do any of this.. But Im just thinking if you love him and want to improve your situation with him..this might help. Allahu Alim.

By the way, its not just his house, it is yours too. He cant just kick you out. You have more of a right to be there, because you are a woman. Its a must on you to spend your Idda (in case of a dicorce) in your marriage house. There is an ayah in the Quran talking about this. I really wish you the best, I ask Allah to improve your marriage and make it one of happiness and peace for the both of you. Life surely isnt easy. Its all about patience. Allahu Alim

salam alaikum
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
Kathy
07/03/02 at 10:46:36
[wlm]

Sam I hope you take jannah's advice seriously. What kind of avenues for help are available to you? Do you have a Muslim community?, an Imam?, a counselour? Do you have family that you could stay with temporarily, if need be?

Did you ever write him your letter?

Fatimah's suggestions are great. How long have you been married? Sometimes it takes a couple of years to pre- guess what your partner needs.

When I was having problems similar- but not as severe as your hubby- a sister gave me some good advice.  She said 'do not do things to please your husband- do them to please Allah swt.'

I know it is symantics.. but it made my life alot more bearable. If he asked me to do something, that in my opinion, because of how he treated me was unjustified... i would think to myself--I am doing this to please Allah, not you.... and I would say that out loud to him.

There are  ways of having him learn not to have immediate gratification: When he asks you for that glass of water while you are in the middle of feeding... Say with a smile.. sure and hand him the baby.

I remember when his family asked me to make a dinner @10:30 pm. I had been out for most of the day and was very exhausted. I had made a meal which was in the refridgerator... but apparently it wasn't what they liked. It wasn't the first and I really grudingly did it many times before. Something snapped in me and i made a exaggerated look at the clock, yawned and said with a laugh- the kitchen closed at 8pm... help yourself to what ever you want in the fridge!  
[i]I felt so guilty as i lay in bed listening to them in the kitchen... but you know what? they never asked again.[/i]

Once I was having a rare dinner party with my woman friends. My hubby came in and said he wanted me to iron his father's shirts. I was boiling mad. There was no reason for this... other than I think he wanted to show off his control. I smiled and said yes dear... and in the middle of the dinner I pulled out the ironing board and did all five! I walked them over to my hubby... and sweetly gave them to him saying... I can't imagine what the woman think of meor you by  having to do this while in the middle of entertaining them.  He never did it again.

-the bed is not done right make it again, the duvet should look smooth not creased.

"could you please show me how you would like it?"

-get me the book
"sure honey, i will be right with you"  finish what you are doing and hand him the book he wanted and a marriage one.

Chores- he will help you if there is a reward for him. There are a couple of things my hubby asks me to do that I feel are just too much. In these cases I just say... I will do it just as soon as i finish 123. If you help I will get to your request so much quicker.

So many times I would pick up after him and do "his" jobs. and he knew it. Like taking out the garbage. He would "forget" so I would do it. One week I was fiesty and didn't do it. By next week- the can (outside) was full of maggots. He never "forgot" again!

-" can u hang this shirt up..i cannot reach... mostly he will tell me to get the foot stool and use that to hang the shirt up)"

Leave it there... get to it when you can. Tell him his son is a priority over a shirt and you of course would want to take care of the child first.

The rest of the stuff you have told us inregard to his comments are just out of line... hence why jannah said you all need counseling.  He may not even know of a woman's rights.

I just need to caution you tho... tread carefully if he has a violent temper. If you use any of my suggestions be aware it will not be easy.

I am sure there are many women out there saying... get rid of him, walk out, don't do it. Sometimes it is not so easy. Except if there is violence. then get out.

Mine has improved immensely...but it has taken many years of marriage. I think the real turn around happened when I took the sister's advice and did everything for my hubby with the intention of pleasing Allah swt.
Because then the anger and frustration was gone. Insha Allah I was pleasing Allah swt and banking up good deeds.  This was much better than grumbling under my breath as I fetched the water.

Also keep in mind that you are raising a child- to be a future husband. Break the cycle now.  Was his father this way?
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
sam
07/06/02 at 11:37:10
[slm]

i'm afraid that where i live an imaam that's speaks in english is extremely rare!!!
also i do not have a counselor and i don't think i would want one either...
my family is abroad but only an hours flight away, nervertheless i cannot go see them whenever i feel like it...i don't think my husband would agree to that..plus he doesn't think my family gives good advice..he doesn't like them very much :(

i cannot discuss this matter with anyone!!!! but i have used jaanah.org as a means of help and advice...am i doing wrong coz i am not allowed to discuss married life with others?

we have been married for 1 year and 7 months...i haven't written the letter yet as he has been abroad on training for a week and returns tomorrow.
his father? i dunno wheter he was like this but motheork.swf">
To get the contact details, please click on the office, factory or warehouse.

" A company at your service, wherever you are in the Middle-East "
in this time because she is still considered his wife (if its the first or second divorce). Its time is 3 menstral periods or 3 months if you dont have periods, in case of a husband dying, the idda is 4 months and 10 days. Its the wifes right for her husband to spend on her during this time. In Idda the woman must stay in her marital house (unless there is something to prevent her from that), and the husband should stay too. That way Allah may put mercy between them and they come back to eachother. If the woman was pregnant, her idda is until she delivers the baby.
Im not good at explaining, but I hope this makes sense. 07/06/02 at 12:11:42 Fatimah
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
sam
07/06/02 at 16:35:22
[wlm]

thankyou all for your explanation of idda   :)

inshallah i am going to write a letter for him to read stating something like:

[color=Black][/color]

what do you think?
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
sam
07/06/02 at 16:40:35
erm..something went wrong...the letter would be soemthing like:

dear husband,

we have gone through alot of emtoinal heartache and i think it's about time we put a stop to it all and make a fresh start.
let's make the intention that we are going to be the key that will help each other enter jannah.
let's give our son the best family environment that he deserves. we both need a happy household to live in and we both need love.


so what dou think?need changes? please give suggestions.
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
Kashif
07/06/02 at 18:02:23
assalaamu alaikum

I think the letter you've posted up is good to split into an inroduction paragrpah and a concluding sentence, but i really think you've left out the meat of the message.

Concentrate on things between you and him.. feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes, rights, obligations, duties, TAQWA!

Please don't feel obliged to post your letter to this board because afterall there are things in marriages that are .. just private. Fears, hopes, that kind of stuff.

If you still do want a second person't advice, please feel free to contact one of the sisters on this board in helping you put the letter together.

*Can Kathy step forward please?*

*smile*

Kashif
Wa Salaam
NS
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
Kathy
07/07/02 at 10:25:41
[slm]

Sure!- and I have offered to help her out in a previous post in the Akwhat folder- my offer still stands.

The letter needs alot more "meat and potatoes."  I think the men are a bit different than women. They want specifics.

Just to say that I don't feel loved anymore is not as effective as giving specific examples.  

Like- "Honey I felt so sad and hurt when you yelled at me for leaving the cup on the end table. I just forgot about it. The tone of your voice tore at my heart. I would never do anything to purposely irritate you."

Another:
A couple of weeks ago you were really angry that I left an onion peel on the floor. Before Allah swt I did not see it.... must be my belly carring your child got in the way... in fact I couldn't even see my feet- muchless a sliver of food!
Then follow it up with examples of Prophet Muhammad's pbuh life.- of him sweeping the floors.

Also- do not write it in an accusitory way. Focus the sentances on you and how he makes you feel.  I would also make sure to throw in some reactions his mother or friends have had to his mistreatment of you.- but only use one or two, as this can be pretty dangerous territory.

Also- I would concentrate on your son's and his mother's needs for this letter. If he is angry with you than he- at this time-  won't care what you have to say or his impact on you.

However, Insha Allah, he will care how he is impacting his son and how his mother percieves him.

Write on and if you want some help feel free to im me for my e-mail addy, Allah who allum.

Take it from me: Things do get better! ;)




Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
sam
07/09/02 at 04:18:06
[slm]
he came back on sunday and since then we have been quite happy with each other...i'm afarid that if i give him the letter it may ruin the peace we have right now..so i have not mentioned the other women at work yet or anything else that could provoke bad feelings....i feel as if he wants to make a fresh astart too but without discussing anything....i think he wants to drop the matter, so i am letting him do that and in reurn i am being extra loving and take more care in my apprearance and behaviour.
07/10/02 at 21:10:18
Abu_Hamza
Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
Fatimah
07/09/02 at 06:25:29
salam alaikum sis,
Alhamdulilah, Im sooooooo happy things are better for you guys right now. My opinion is if he looks like he wants to start new..forgive him for what he did and DON'T mention it again. Do this for the sake of Allah, and Allah will reward you inshaAllah. I know from experience with my husband that if all is good, dont bring up things from the past. It only causes another arguement. He knows what he did was wrong whether he says so or not, and inshaAllah he will not do it again. Like you are already doing..be extra loving. Write him something nice.. like a poem. Make him his favorite dinner, tell him how much he means to you. I have noticed that sometimes people dont know how to show their feelings. The way he talks to you may be tough sometimes, but maybe thats just how he is. Sometimes we have to give a little more and sometimes they have to give more. Try your best to work things out and live in harmony. Remember, almost all marriages have problems. Focus on the good things. Try to do things he likes and avoid the things he doesnt like. InshaAllah you will see a big improvement with him. Make a lot of dua, make thikr, read Quran... The closer you come to Allah, the more your heart will stay strong. Ill make dua for you inshaAllah. Take care. salam.

Re: putting the foot down-a wife's problem
muqaddar
08/04/02 at 17:41:11
[slm]

I think it may be advisable to enrol your husband on a cookery course
and then encourage him to cook .

Basically you need to get him into the habit of seeing household stuff
as being something he can do as well because he's either grown up
in a pretty macho enviroment or spoilt.


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