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| marriage confusion |
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| Ranya |
| 07/23/02 at 15:36:31 |
| Salaams, sisters. My name's Ranya and I'm new to the community. I just had a question. I am a 20 year old college student who's parents would like her to marry. The only thing is I'm not sure it's what I want. I mean, I'm ready for the physical aspect of it but I don't think I'm ready for the rest of it. I really want to finish college and enjoy all of the aspects of that and I enjoy having my free time and being able to do what I want. I just don't know if I'm ready to give all of that up. I also don't know if I'm ready for all of the responsibilities of marriage. It's hard work. However, my parents tell me that if I don't get married soon I may not be able to at all. I'm very curvy and considered very pretty as well and they think that people will start to talk. They think people will start to wonder if I'm not married because I've already been around and I don't see the need for marriage or that I'm not a likeable girl. I was just wondering if that is true and what you all think I should do about my situation. ??? Thanks. Ranya |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| M.F. |
| 07/23/02 at 16:16:51 |
| Assalamu alaikum If your reason to get married is so that "people" won't "talk", it's the wrong reason. You're only 20! You've got plenty of time. Why would people start wondering already, and if they do, why would you care? You enjoy being single and you enjoy college, get your degree and let people talk. If you're not ready to get married till you're 22 once you've graduated, it's still very young and it's very normal for people to get married even later than that. You're right, marriage is a lot of work and you don't sound like you're ready for that kind of commitment unless you get married in a way that won't interfere with your current life (do the contract but don't move in with your husband). Wallahu a'lam |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| Ranya |
| 07/23/02 at 16:54:30 |
| It's my parents that think people will talk, not me. I was just wondering if what my parents think is true. |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| faith812 |
| 07/29/02 at 13:48:00 |
| salam, i very much agree with the previous responses, people would always find something to say specially those who like to look things from the negative side. You still have plenty of time and you should go for it when you are ready, b/c ultimely you are the one who has to be in the situation not your parent. good luck salam, your sister in islam. |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| theOriginal |
| 07/29/02 at 16:08:10 |
| [slm] Although I wholeheartedly agree with what has been said, I must ask you why you think you CAN'T enjoy your freedom after marriage? No, this is not meant to turn into one of those mooting feministic discussions, but really, out of curiosity, what aspects of freedom can you enjoy outside of marriage that you can't within (let's keep the context largely Islamic.) Getting married early is a Sunnah. There is a logical reason behind every Sunnah, even if we don't explicitly know what it is. It might be because, as you have said, and please forgive me for being direct, you are "considered to be very pretty" and you are "ready for the physical aspect of it." Let's say by virtue of assumption (assuming assumption HAS a virtue. wow! talk about the logic of the economist), that your parents have in mind for you a respectable man already. Why would you not consider marrying him? As for being "ready" for marriage. I don't really know if one will ever be ready for anything like that. Kind of like taking the SAT's. There is always room for more preparation, but when the time comes, you just got to take them. Okay bad example, but you get my point. Best of luck, SF. |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| Ranya |
| 07/29/02 at 18:44:01 |
| First I want to thank everyone that replied for their help and advice. Now for the sister that asked what I wouldn't be able to do if I were married. I am young and I enjoy, and I mean really enjoy, going out. I go out on the weekends, at night when I don't have homework and when schools out. I often hang out on campus long after my classes are over and then go out with friends. I'm not doing anything haram, just going to movies, friends houses, out to eat, the mall, local hangouts or downtown. Sometimes after work I go out with my co-workers. Sometimes I go out cause there's nothing better to do or cause I don't want to go home. Other times I go out just because I want to or because I was invited. Now granted once I'm a married woman I'll be wanting to spend time with my husband but I'm pretty sure I won't want to spend every waking moment with him. There may be times when I don't want to come home after work or school and there may be times when I am home but want to go out without him. I just don't know that I feel like having to ask permission or deal with an angry or pouting man that wants me to stay home just to sit around with him. I also don't want to have to deal with fights because dinner wasn't on the table when he came home because I had homework to do or stayed after school. Also sometimes I just want to be left alone, you know? And I don't want to have to try and explain that to someone that feels like I should want to spend all of my time with them. I mean, I would be more than willing to split my time 50/50 but I don't want to give a man all of my time. I'm not really willing to give that much of myself. I'm used to me being first and not really having to answer to anybody. That's another reason my parents feel I should get married, they feel it would be good for me since I enjoy going out so much. Obviously, I feel otherwise. I guess it could be a good thing but I'm just worried that it might get suffocating or that I'll always have to worry about making him mad when I want to go out. On another note, my parents don't have anybody specific picked out but they would like me to start getting out there more so people know that I am available. I don't know, it's just a very confusing situation because they are really pushing it and something in my heart keeps telling me I'm not really ready. But at the same time I want to do what's right. Thanks for listening. Salaams |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| Aabidah |
| 07/29/02 at 19:20:34 |
| [slm] Ranya, when you get married you don't have to spend *every waking moment* with him. Believe me, the husband will want some time for himself too b/c no two ppl can spend every moment with each other, human nature won't allow it. You're right in that when you get married, you won't have as much freedom to do anything you want at any time you want, but that doesn't mean you won't have any freedom. My parents have been married for 21 years (alhamdulillah!) and my mom still has her privacy, goes out with her friends at times, and has time to herself, wAlhamdulillah. My point is that marriage doesn't hold you down from going out and having fun with friends, or reserving self-time, and you can also do stuff with your hubby. Also, in Islam your husband can't control you and the wife can't do everything she wants either, but they can come to an understanding and compromise. And *fights* don't take place everyday between huby and wife, in major situations, maybe! But, marriage is up to the person. If your heart is telling you that you're not ready, then I would listen to it. Try to explain to your parents that you don't feel ready and come to an understanding with them, InshaAllah. If i've offended you in anyway plz forgive me. [wlm] Betul |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| salik |
| 07/30/02 at 21:42:00 |
| [slm] I hope I do not offend anyone by being here. I would like to share my 2 cents. This is my experiance from my hometown back in India. Ours is a predominantly muslim town, where the the ratio of women to men is more. I mean women are more than men. Girls mostly get married by 18-22 years of age. If by 22 any girl has not been engaged then it really becomes difficult for the girl to find a suitable match. Sometimes she ends up getting married to widower or divorcee. And even that chances are very low as the rate of divorces there is very very low Alhamd lillah. (Oh yeah we mostly marry within the community where one family knows other) So I suggest that when you consider you should see if any of these situations are applicable to you. Having said that I'm of very much for the idea that the girl should complete atleast her undergraduate studies before she can live a married life. I myself got engaged when my better half was in the first year of university, we waited for 1 1/2 years then we had to sign contract in a hurry for immigration purposes and and now after another 1 1/2 years (most undergraduate degrees back home is only 3 years) we'll be living together insh Allah soon. I hope I didn't make you more miserable. Ponder on these issues then clear your mind of everything and pray isthikhara and go with what comes to your mind. Insh Allah you won't be wrong. [slm] |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| eleanor |
| 07/31/02 at 06:35:58 |
| [slm] It is not completely true to say that you are not missing out on anything by getting married. As Ranya pointed out, her parents don't have anyone in particular in mind for her to marry; nor has she herself chosen anyone. What's to say that the potential husband will be all on for Ranya getting out and having time to herself? Speaking from experience, the only time, when I have "time to myself" is when either some brothers are visiting and my husband sits with them, or when my husband goes alone to visit someone. In 99 cases out of 100, my husband takes me with him when he goes visiting someone, even if I don't know them. Sometimes it is a bit suffocating. Sometimes I would like to just go out and do something, without having to consult him first. By consulting, I don't mean asking permission, but just letting him know where I am going and how long I will be. Sometimes I would like to go walking around the town after college without having to call him and let him know I will be home late and why.. And again 99% of the time, I just don't bother. Because I know that he works hard and therefore I want to be home first so I can start cooking, so he doesn't have to. I was just wondering Ranya, do you wear hijab? Because if you come from a "desi" family, and don't wear hijab, tongues are more likely to wag than if you were always covered.. I hope this has helped you to come to a resolution. But if I were you, I wouldn't worry unnecessarily, since there isn't even a "potential" husband waiting in the wings. Enjoy yourself, but aim to settle down in a few years. wasalaam eleanor |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| mwishka |
| 08/01/02 at 01:43:24 |
| sis ranya, i hope you're still reading here.... i apologize that i was not able to respond to you sooner, but i am very concerned about you.. you will get more islamically oriented advice from other people here, but my concerns are just about you as a person. hmm...let's see...where to start.. ok, let's start here: [i]I mean, I'm ready for the physical aspect of it but I don't think I'm ready for the rest of it.[/i] um, no sis, if you're not ready for the "rest of it", you're not ready for the "physical aspect of it". that's just a feeling you have that you WANT the physical aspects of SOME relationship, which is a very very natural thing to want. but you might want to think about this a little more carefully. do you know what you want when you say that? becoming involved with someone physically is not a game of any sort, and it's not like going out with your friends to have fun. it's something deep and serious, and something with a lot of responsiblity. and i don't just mean the responsibility to have or not have children, i also mean being mature enough and really ready to be able to be comfortable with intimacy -- which is not an experience you have yet had. you will need to be ready and able to offer and accept trust from someone, and to be completely open and unselfish in your caring for that person. i think maybe you aren't ready for this part of a marriage. which then, of course, comes to your statement that you're not ready to get married. i agree, because you feel comfortable saying this: [i]I'm used to me being first and not really having to answer to anybody.[/i] sis ranya, going out with friends is only a tiny blink in the whole scheme of life. think about what it is you get from going out with your friends - isn't it companionship, laughter, feeling you can be yourself with them, enjoying their personalities, sharing jokes or entertainment because you know each other well enough to do that? maybe other things, too, that i've left out.... but i'm very concerned about the way you compare marriage to hanging out with your friends. you make it sound like you're SURE you're going to marry a man you can't relate to. there's no reason for that to happen! that is NOT what marriage is about, being stuck with someone you don't like, don't enjoy, can't relate to, and don't have fun with. what marriage should be is the deepest human connection you can have, it should be a pairing impossibly beyond - but not excluding - your friendships, closer than your relationship with your parents. the connection you have with your parents is also a very deep connection, but you will find, in a good marriage, one that was properly undertaken, that another level of "link" is possible than what you have known so far. and when you have children, you will find that link to be even deeper, made so very deep and special BY your bond to your husband, with whom you share your children. you seem to have such a sad view of what marriage will be for you. that kind of tears my heart open.... you say that your parents want you to marry so that people "won't talk", because you're considered nice looking. about this i would say, your parents have a responsibility to you to see that this talking is not happening. if they know it's going on or they worry that it WILL go on, then they have some idea from whom it will come or where it will take place. if this is NOT the case, if they are not certain, and say it in only the vaguest terms, then they're not worried about talk at all, they're worried about you. you, i think, need to take some time for yourself and figure some things out. you need to figure out how you really feel about your parents - do you trust them, respect them, do you feel very close to them and happy with them and do you enjoy them? i kind of hear you sloughing off their concerns, dismissing them, without really maybe considering what those concerns really are. and sis ranya, that's where i think you might want to take your time. make yourself think about this quite seriously. think about yourself, your parents, your friends, how you spend your time, what you want in life, how you see your future from where you are now,......and more importantly, how you WANT your future to look, and feel. personally, i think 20 is too young to get married, but i'm probably WAY WAY in the minority here. maybe in the past when our lifespans and our whole lifestyles were different, or in other countries of the world where the whole idea of responsibility is different, that may make sense. i don't think it does in modern american culture (and you see that i'm assuming you're american, though i may be wrong). now we have this system where a 20 year old is still in school (for those who get the privilege of attending college), and i think this educational structure does not fit easily with marriage. that is NOT to say that it can't. but, for someone like yourself, who already feels that marriage is going to be a burden and not fun, i don't think it will help you get through school.. there is always the possiblity that it would help you greatly by allowing you to take on a different role even in relation to your studies, but i really think that for you you'd be better off finishing school first. but( sis ranya, i wish you could start thinking about marriage in a different way. try to look around you for better examples, if that's the problem. if you only know women who are kind of offering you this view that "man it is a DRAG to be married", then look for better examples. ask your mother to help you become friends with people close to your age who are happily married, who enjoy each other and have a full life. maybe you don't have enough structure, or guidance, or support in your life. look around, when you go to the masjid, look for the women, any age, who have love and kindness glowing on their faces, the women you would run to in a crisis if your mother weren't available, who you know would help you or anyone without question. either get to know these women, or just pay attention to them. watch them. see how they speak to and touch their children, watch how they speak to every person they meet. think about why those women seem more content. i would actually suggest that you DO try to befriend women of any age who seem happy in their marriage, now, while you're still a couple of years away from finishing school, while you have time to learn more about what marriage can really be for you. and i really wish you the best. i hope you can sit down and talk with your parents, tell them why you don't want to marry now, ask them to HELP you wait until you finish school. if they realize that you understand that their only concern is for your well-being, and you and they are able to respectfully discuss all the options and possiblities, your ability to do this will help make them feel comfortable that you DO know what you're doing, that you DO know what you want, that you ARE making a well-thought out decision about your future... good luck sis, and i hope that when you do come to marry that it is a very happy one in which you learn and gain every second of every day... mwishka |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| Ranya |
| 08/04/02 at 01:23:54 |
| [slm] I would just like to thank everyone for the good advice and help. And let you all know that I am still reading and listening and I'm really going to think about everything. I also don't want you guys to think I'm some stupid shallow American girl. It's just that I haven't seen many good Muslim marriages including my parents. And all the sisters I know act and talk like their marriage is such a hardship and that they wished they still had their freedom. I guess that just scares me. I don't want to live my life like that. Anyway, thanks for your help. |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| amatullah |
| 08/04/02 at 15:19:33 |
| Bismillah and salam, Dear sister Rania, You have lots of good advice there. I want to tell you a hadeeth that means: one must hasten in 5 things when they come (and i am not listing it in order because i dont' remember the order) prayer when the time come, feeding 3abir assabeel traveller through town, paying debts back, marrying soon after maturation, and burrying quickly after death. The scholars say that the fiqh of htis hadeeth about the marriage part is paritucularly to girls i forget all the long reasons there is. but I will tell you from my advice if you like to read it that you can still enjoy lots of thigns, it is so different though. It's more real and serious. and you have the company of someone to share all the good and bad. I think it is good that if the right person comes along not to say no just because you like to go out. Marraige is not prison you know :) The prophet saws said if someone pious comes asking for marriage do not say no or there will much fasad on this earth which evil and wrong doing. Another is he encouraged the parents of the girl to go and engage a husband for her. This is probably why you're parents are starting to talk about marriage but perhaps in the wrong way so give them the benefit of the doubt. Also, you might want to consider the amount of time you are spending out doing nothing just hanging out. might be a concern to them. Because being idle and not being on guard against shaytan, and being in places and situations where thigns might arise is somethign that leads to the path of shaytan and we are told to avoid what leads to doing wrong. in fact it is wrong that which leads to wrong. ex. looking at opposite sex and zina, smoking and drugs, etc. I know this may not apply to you insha'Allah but i want you to knwo that if you are not actively protecting yourself from shaytan he will be sitting in all the diffrerent ways waiting for the right opportunity. i love you for the sake of Allah and this is why i remind you that we are supposed to take advantage of our youth and heahth and our time (among other things before they no longer are available to us. What if you lose a little tooth to abssessed? you can't even eat or do sujood? then you take it out, you can't even wash your mouth properly at wudu...and it is only a small thing but it should make us think since nothing is too small in the eyes of Allah. And if we cant do big things let's do small things in a big way. so make small changes in your life style and insha'Allah it will all fall into place, don't rush it, but don't take the whole concept out of your mind simple for worldly fun and wasting time. Contemplate if you may Allah protect you lost both legs in an accident? what would your life be? what would your priorities be? what would you ahve wished was different before? If you are as you say "physically ready" and having these changes it is better to start balancing your whole being out. You are not just a body, but the thing is Allah has given it it's insticts to help us exist. So if they are there they need to be addressed on many other levels. Listen to your body. ANd make sure that your heart mind soul and body are all alligned. you don't want the added struggle of that particular aspect as it is a huge way for shaytan to enter. I would say think about how you can harmonize it all. how can you bring the rest of you (the tintellectual, the emotional, social, spritual needs,etc) into harmony with what your body demands at this age. What is important in life? What is lasting? How many sisters have refused marriage for the worng reasons and regreted it. It may not come along again the chance. I am not saying jump at the situation blindly, but use your mind, do istikhara prayer, etc. You can still finish college and beyond during marriage. My firend is doing phd in phyics she has two children. my mother did her masters with tow children as well. They are so happy masha'Allah. my husband works and studies and we still go out and have picnics, and all sorts of fun stuff and picking berries, etc and we do have seperate intersts, as we speak it is his soccer match now, and i have other things i like i came back from learning how to do a certaing stitch. and we each have his da3wa intersts, own studies of religion, and times that we share the techniques and knowledge, alhemdulilah i can go on and on but i think you understand what i am saying. If you are sincere and you choose a sincere spouse insha'Allah it won't be like you expect. yes it is not all fun and games and romance like we think before we get married, (and that is why lots of us probably complain LOL) but it cannot be realistically speaking. I am sure even you have your concerns and responsibilities and problems. IT's just a different frame that requires of you more consistency of who you even are yourself as you are intimiate with another person. it is so beautiful to know that you can help each other be better in teh path of Allah to worship him and spread his word, enjoy life while your at it to a reasonable extent (ie don't make it the point of life). no matter what happens this person will be fair and take care of you.and you do the same. I hope it makes sense *one thing i remember in favor of earlish marriages is that you are both are not so rigid and set in your ways and that helps you find middle ground that you both like more easily that both being much older had thier routine set out and each feeling like they are compromising a huge deal for the other. and it prevents zina when your needs are met. and you are more spontaneous and romantic at that age, don't waste it all just in your head :) later you'll probably have more inhibitions. And even in choosing a partner i think if someone has had relationships outside of marriage instead of marrying (which in no way i am saying this is what you are doing i am just explaining this) that you will have too many unhealthy comparisons going on. |
| 08/04/02 at 15:24:27 |
| amatullah |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/05/02 at 09:40:43 |
| [slm] Ranya I wouldn't advise you to go for the 'physical aspect' before marriage with any guy at university , because any guy who would do that before marriage is not the type who can commit to a marriage Most of the guys i know who did that stuff are still going for the 'physical aspect' behind their wives backs or have now divorced their wives after getting what they wanted. Result is parents don't trust their daughter and daughter has virtually no chance of finding a good bloke You might think the guy loves you etc but i know a lot of guys who did that sort of stuff and neither the guy nor his family have any respect for the girl So complete university and then think about marriage, even then find out the guys background, what he did at university, and then talk to him on the phone and ask him before going for the big 'W' Hope that was of some help! |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| mwishka |
| 08/05/02 at 10:26:44 |
| sis ranya, i feel that i owe you an apology for being, well, maybe a little too brusque......i'm kind of 'good' at that, but don't mean to be.. i sort of think you may have felt it was one of my comments that made you think "we" might think of you as "shallow" or "stupid". um no, i don't - not at all. my impression was that you have just not been taking enough time for yourself, and maybe being constantly busy with your friends has kept you from that, kept you from time to think seriously about what you want and where you're headed and how to get set straight in a good direction. i'm sorry if i hurt you...... mwishka :'( |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| Nafisa |
| 08/05/02 at 17:35:59 |
| [slm] Ranya, I really feel for you and your situation cos it's not easy when parents are putting pressure on you to get hitched. My own psychology vibes I'm getting from your description suggests that maybe your parents are slightly worried by you going you out all the time. Not that I'm judging in ANY way, of course, but parents worry about what you might be doing. they might hope that by getting married you won't go out as much or at least no one would talk if you did. I only say this cos in my social circle of muslim peeps, the parents sometimes want their kids to get married to stop other peeps from gossiping about what they might get up to. they think that marrying their rebellious daughter to a religious guy will help them settle down or something. I'm not suggesting you're rebellious or getting upto mischief so please don't be offended from what i've said. 20 is young anyway, i think you have lots of time to get married and get your head sorted. :) |
| Re: marriage confusion |
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| Ranya |
| 08/14/02 at 16:47:24 |
| [slm] Again thanks for the advice and appologies. All's forgiven. I really shouldn't have taken it to heart like that. Anyway, Sis Eleanor in answer to your question I do wear hijab. But that's it. I just cover my hair. I still wear jeans and pants and blouses, long sleeved tees and stuff like that. My parents hate the the I dress. I pretty much dress like everybody else but my clothes aren't as revealing. Also Sis Nafisa, I do go out a lot and no I don't think I'm getting into trouble but other people might because I do tend to stay out late and I also have a good amount of non-muslim friends. About half of my friends aren't muslims. We met at school or work. |
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