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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/04/02 at 17:08:45 |
| [slm] Ok I've known this hindu girl for a while but we havn't really talked till a week ago, now i've found out that she's married and she's fallen in love with me normally i'd just tell her to stick with her husband (even though he's a hindu) but she dosn't like him and she says she feels as if she's falling apart when i'm not there. what shall i do in this situation? she has a great personality, incredible looks and is very intelligent , i'm afraid that i'm beginning to fall for her too |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| mwishka |
| 08/04/02 at 17:49:40 |
| oh no muqaddar.....you've been missing because you're in trouble?? i was startin to have a bad feeling about your absence....... sigh. ok, these are difficult questions.... (he he but you'll get the quick and easy answers from everyone else - i think you know what the overriding opinion here will be. is that the one you came to get, the one you kind of already think and know is what you want?) well, whether it is or not, before we get to my "answers", we have to be sure there are no more questions.... ok, you want me to be hard or easy on you, bro?? ;) (he he...i could go back and count 'em up and see what's fair.... hee heee...good thing i don't work that way...) muqaddar, no one falls in love (or even becomes infatuated) or falls out of love (or becomes un-infatuated) in a period as short as a week. so, bro, what happened before you talked to her? or what do you mean "really talked"? do you mean you spent a lot of time working with her, but never talking personally? that IS really talking, bro, and can sometimes reveal a lot more about a person than if you sat down for the purpose of "talking", and can even be more INTIMATE in some ways... ok, what else.... um this: and she says she feels as if she's falling apart when i'm not there. um, muqaddar, when are you THERE? is this a work thing? think you better explain it a little better. write to me if you don't want to tell it here... ok, um a week is so short.......are you "falling for her" because she already "fell for you"? you better check on this....and then doublecheck on it. and this: she has a great personality, incredible looks and is very intelligent um bro, where are your feelings in this, your intuitions? these things are nothing against a cold, lifeless background -- and you notice i'm leaving out your religion, because i'm sure others will help you in that consideration... muqaddar....ok, gonna be a little hard here....has she ever known that you say and write hindoo?? that to me seems like a funny part of this equation... do you think that your mind opened to her being a person rather than a non-muslim because of the considerations above? are you thinking these are the key requirements for your ideal woman? don't you even LIKE her a little...?? hee heee catch my drift, bro? is she someone you really truly care about? - which is not likely, but not impossible, in this timeframe..... ok, all that taken care of....what about the religion, bro? it has been pounded into my hard head, and yours is not much softer, i know, that muslim men may not marry anyone other than a piously believing muslim woman. so what else here? let's say you are serious about thinking you would want to be with this woman forever - when will she become muslim? or, WILL she? (we're still ignoring for now the fact that she's married....) are you thinking about this? did you ask her? ok, i'm still having a problem with the week-long time period.... muqaddar, why does she not "like" her husband? what's wrong with him? how is it that she's married to him, without liking him? does she have real reason to be falling apart, whether you're there or not? what does that even mean? if all that's wrong in her marriage is that she "doesn't like" her husband, what is it that she's falling apart about? if it means nothing is really wrong in her life but she's saying she can't function without you, i'd be mighty suspicious and find out just exactly what she means..... ok, that's it for now........i think you have a LOT of pretty serious stuff to think about here. you answer some of my questions - or write to me to answer them - and i'll see how much of this makes sense....as in help you keep your head on straight... ok, brother m? mwishka p.s. to muqaddar: :( i did NOT intentionally put three "o"s in hindoo. i've been typing a lot of double letters lately and having to correct a lot, missed that one.... that was not meant to be mean..... |
| 08/04/02 at 23:12:01 |
| mwishka |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| BroHanif |
| 08/04/02 at 17:52:43 |
| Perhaps the pair of you dhould go their separate ways. Just think if any man was talking to your married sister or wife to be in a lustful manner or to your mother how would you feel ?? You'd probable feel cheated, angry and above all very hurt so why cause somebody else heartache ??? Look are only a deception...just as this world is about to end so will her looks. A persons real looks eminate from their heart and character. Adhere to the command of Allah and the prophet [saw] and keep your gaze down. Also she's not even marrige material unless of course she becomes a muslimah later on(and again only for Allahs sake not for you) salaams Hanif |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/04/02 at 18:31:33 |
| [slm] Sorry bro i've been busy studying commercial leases and more importantly looking for a decent educated muslim girl! No luck there all the educated ones have had boyfriends and there's fat chance of me marrying a girl who can't control herself for 3 years like the arab proverb of the old prostitute who repents... i've known this girl for like a few months at my last workplace when she took breaks same time as us during ramzaan because all her friends are muslims never really talked to her because she seemed to be so totally out of my league and secondly i'm happy talking so long as others listen ;D didn't see her till a week ago and we had a really long chat, turned out she had been listening to everything and knew the problems i'd had with with my ex and she was going through the same thing herself she's lapsed non-practising hindoo so she dosn't really care, i think it's a lot to do with the part of india she's from..and what are you implying with the spelling bit mwishka? i thought i explained that already?! lastly i honestly have not made any moves on this girl it's all been from her side If i advise her to stick with the marriage she could end up in really messy situation later and if i advise her to get a divorce that is like saying be free so you can go with me so my only option is to abandon her to her fate? |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Fatimah |
| 08/04/02 at 22:42:27 |
| [slm] I really think you need to stay away from her. She is a married woman. Whether she likes her husband or not, she is married. This woman is also not a muslim or someone from the people of the book. So it is not halal for you to marry her, and of coarse boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are haram in Islam. It sounds to me you are looking at her worldly characters, nice, smart, good looking, ect.. The Prophet [saw] told the men to marry a woman for her religion.. why dont you try to follow this guidance? The more you talk with her, the more you are going to feel attached, so I really advise you to keep away from her. Keep your gaze down, fast a lot, and make thikr when you start to think of her...soon you'll forget all about her! I promise inshaAllah. If getting married now is important to you, why dont you talk to the imam or some righteous Bros to help you find a good wife? InshaAllah I will make dua that Allah makes this easy for you... |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Anonymous |
| 08/05/02 at 02:30:06 |
| as to this comment: --- No luck there all the educated ones have had boyfriends and there's fat chance of me marrying a girl who can't control herself for 3 years like the arab proverb of the old prostitute who repents... --- Not only is this slanderous comment against your sisters in Islam untrue (there are plenty of chaste Muslim girls, including those who've converted recently and therefore are straight with Allah), but it seems hilarious to me that you'd prefer a woman who is willing to commit adultery. Everyone's got their way of justifying their own decisions, I guess. |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Kareema_Abdul-Khab |
| 08/05/02 at 02:52:23 |
| Helping her get out of a bad marriage and marrying her yourself are two different things. Refer the couple to a marriage counselor, or since many of her friends are Muslim, she may take advice from an older Muslims sister, or someone, if you want to help her. Put marrying her out of your mind, she's unlawful for you in two ways. I don't understand that arab proverb, so no comment. |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/05/02 at 07:17:14 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1028495326;start=0#5 date=08/05/02 at 02:30:06] --- Not only is this slanderous comment against your sisters in Islam untrue (there are plenty of chaste Muslim girls, including those who've converted recently and therefore are straight with Allah), but it seems hilarious to me that you'd prefer a woman who is willing to commit adultery. Everyone's got their way of justifying their own decisions, I guess. [/quote] [slm] errm i didn't say ALL muslim women with an education were like that, just all the ones that i'd been intoduced too were...perhaps you should re-read what i wrote. basically i gave myself a year to find a decent EDUCATED muslim woman because i'm inshallah qualifying next year and after that i won't have time to spare (cos i'll be busy trying to beat the partners billing record in the firm!) I know there's plenty of good muslim women out there it's just that in my experience having a conversation with somebody who hasn't a degree level education is pretty difficult and it either turns into me doing all the talking or listening to jokes which seem a bit immature I figured a year would give us sufficient time to talk and decide if we were right for each other. Anyway so far it's taking me a week in each case to discover ALL these girls had been going out with blokes at university! What makes it worse is that all these guys were TEPS/hero types, it sure wasn't the personality or brains that attracted them! If i was justifying my decision i wouldn't be asking for advice would I?! Are you always this 'helpful' ? Thanks for the advice Kareema but i don't know anything about her husband so i suppose i'll just ask one of my female friends to talk to her . Incidentally i married my ex on the advice of a hypocrite who was with the Young Muslims who told me arranged marriages were the best thing since sliced bread..I later found out he married a girl he had been dating at university ! |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| M.F. |
| 08/05/02 at 07:45:08 |
| Assalamu alaikum, I'd like to offer advice since you asked for advice. If this woman really feels that her marriage is falling apart, then it's up to her and her husband to either work things out or get separated. In either case, it's not a good idea for you to be involved in the process. It would put you in a very difficult situation emotionally, not to mention the fact that you'd have NO idea what to tell Allah on yawm al qiyama when he asks you what you were doing getting into an emotional relationship with a married woman. If she gets a divorce (on her own and without your prompting or help), then if she becomes Muslim you're free to marry her. Why not? So when you ask " so my only option is to abandon her to her fate?" the answer is yes. She let herself become attached to you and so she needs some time to know what she's doing without you in the picture. If she's "fallen" for you there's really nothing you can or should do about it. If she's willing to get a divorce and become Muslim and marry you, then I suppose you could do that, but then what's to prevent her from falling for someone else and telling him all her woes? It's one thing to fall out of love with your husband, but it's another to tell a man that your world's falling apart without him while you're married to your husband. How could you ever trust her knowing the way you met? Finally, remember that Allah's going to ask you about this on the Day. Try to think of yourself standing in front of Him while he asks you. What will your answer be? Wouldn't it be better to avoid being asked by Allah about something like this? |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| dirt |
| 08/05/02 at 09:28:36 |
| [slm] [quote]basically i gave myself a year to find a decent EDUCATED muslim woman[/quote] There are several problems with this statement. One, you don't give yourself anything, Allah SWT gives. Two, putting a time limit on something which is completely out of your hands is silly. Be patient. This is whole situation is bad juju, my friend. My advice is to break contact and advance to the nearest rallying point.......the masjid. Talk to a trusted imam and see what he says. As for my own advice.....several things come to mind. There are so many red flags being thrown up, I don't know where to start. You know she is going through hard times right now and one has to wonder whether she is emotionally stable to truly love someone for the right reasons. She isn't muslim and she is not "of the book". She is.......married, which calls into question whether you should be having long, intimate discussions with her in the first place. Actually, even if she's not married, such dialogue with women isn't exactly Islamic to my understanding. Be honest with yourself and to Allah SWT. You know this isn't right. You seem to be worried that you might be abandoning her by breaking off now which implies that you already have some feelings for her. Let me put it another way....you have feelings for a married woman. Come on now, man. Whether she's muslim or not......that just isn't right. The way I see it, this is a test. On the one hand you can satisfy your worldly desires.....on the other you can satisfy Allah SWT. [wlm] |
| 08/05/02 at 09:30:09 |
| dirt |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| eiman |
| 08/05/02 at 12:55:29 |
| [slm] i think most of these posts are in essence sending you the same message.... steer cleer. its a sticky situation, and as much as im sure you wanted someone to reply with something that you wanted to hear..... the only result that will come out of that, is you digging yourself into a deeper hole,...trust me. and when the time comes that you realize that it is time for you to stumble out of ur own self inflicted rut - it will definitely take a toll on your system,..... physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually..... avoid the situation now and do what YOU know is right.... and avoid being blinded by something that will only bring you temporary pleasure. its often easy to justify situations like these to yourself.... i dont think anyone here can tell you what to do. i think you already know what the right thing to do is.... May Allah (swt) be with you - and allow you to make the proper decision which will, in turn, bring you closer to Him...... Fi Aman Illah, serenity. |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| eleanor |
| 08/06/02 at 00:52:18 |
| [quote author=mwishka link=board=madrasa;num=1028495326;start=0#1 date=08/04/02 at 17:49:40]ok, all that taken care of....what about the religion, bro? Â it has been pounded into my hard head, and yours is not much softer, i know, that muslim men may not marry anyone other than a piously believing muslim woman. Â so what else here? Â .....[/quote] This needs to be corrected. It is not true to say that a Muslim man may not marry anyone other than a piously believing muslim woman. It is permissable for him to marry any woman who is from al-khitab. (of the book). So this means that a Muslim man can marry a jewish, a christian or a muslim lady. Certainly there are hadith which prove that a Muslim man should do his best to find a wife who is pious and muslim; but he is not restricted to this. peace eleanor |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| bhaloo |
| 08/06/02 at 02:02:53 |
| [slm] Just a minor addition Eleanor that perhaps you forgot to add to your post. from islam-qa.com Question: Thanks for answering my question. I want to know what you mean with marrying a Jew or christian who should had chastity? Does touching and kissing forbidden before marriage occurs? I have read in your anwers that you tell muslim that the woman should be chaste. Is this only with jew or christian girl or also, muslim woman? Does touching and kisssing are included when you refer to chastidy? What should be the advice given to a muslim boy that thinks touching is necessary before marriage? I appreciate this to be confidencial. Thanks so much for helping me. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Abu Ja’far Muhammad ibn Jareer al-Tabari gave a definition of muhsanah in Jaami’ al-Bayaan ‘an Ta’weel Aayi’l-Qur’aan (8/165): “Muhsanah means the woman who is chaste and pure … one who is chaste and protects her private parts from committing immoral acts, as in the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): ‘And Maryam, the daughter of ‘Imraan, who guarded her chastity…’ [al-Tahreem 66:12], meaning that she kept herself above suspicious actions and protected herself from immoral conduct.” Then he discussed the interpretation of the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): ‘… (lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time…’ [al-Maa’idah 5:5] He said that some others said that what was meant by this aayah (‘… (lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time…’) is chaste women from both groups, whether they were slaves or free. Those who were of this opinion considered it permissible to marry slave women who were Jews or Christians who practised their religions, because of this aayah, but they considered it haraam to marry promiscuous women, whether they were Muslims or from the People of the Book. Then he mentioned reports to support this opinion. He also said: ‘There was some dispute among the scholars about the interpretation of the phrase and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time…- was this general or specific in application? Some said that it is general and applies to all chaste women, because muhsanaat means chaste women, and a Muslim is allowed to marry any woman of the People of the Book, free or slave, from a country whose people are engaged in hostilities with Islam or from a community which is living under Islamic rule. They use as evidence for this the apparent meaning of the phrase and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time… - taking muhsanaat to mean any chaste woman, whoever she may be. This is the opinion of those who take muhsanaat to mean “chaste women” in this context. Others say that it refers only to the women of Jewish and Christian communities who are living under Islamic rule. As regards those living in regions that are hostile to Islam, Muslims are not permitted to marry such women. He mentions an important condition for marrying a woman of the People of the Book, which every Muslim who wants to marry such a woman in a non-Muslim country should pay attention to. This condition is that he should be in a position where he is not afraid that his child will be forced into kufr. One of the obvious implications of this in our time is that a Muslim should not put himself in a position where he will be forced to raise his child as a kaafir in a non-Muslim country, where a child may be forced to study something about Christianity, for example, or he may be taken to church on Sundays, or the law may be on the side of the non-Muslim woman, allowing her to take her child wherever she wants and raise him in her family’s religion, etc. We ask Allaah to keep us safe from all that and we seek refuge with Him from being forsaken. Shaykh al-Sa’di said in his Tafseer (commentary on the Qur’aan), 1/458: “‘… (lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women – i.e., free and chaste - from the believers and chaste women –free and chaste - from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time…’ i.e., from among the Jews and Christians. This is adding specific details to the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): ‘And do not marry al-mushrikaat (idolatresses, etc.) till they believe (worship Allaah alone)…’ [al-Baqarah 2:221].” As for promiscuous women, those who do not keep themselves chaste and free from immoral sexual conduct, it is not permitted to marry them, whether they are Muslims or from among the People of the Book (Jews and Christians), unless they repent, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Let no man guilty of fornication or adultery marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.” [al-Noor 24:3] And Allaah knows best. |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Kathy |
| 08/06/02 at 08:22:34 |
| [slm] There are so many eligable Muslimahs out there. My bottom line question is always: "Do you want a Hindu woman raising your children?" |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/06/02 at 15:10:29 |
| [slm] Can i just correct an impression that a non-muslim who posted a message in private. Neither I nor any Muslim guy I know has ever stated that a divorced muslim woman is not Chaste or Pure. and if anybody disagree's with what i've said provide your evidence Kathy I think the fact that this girl has been hanging out with Muslims rather than Hindu's at work ..even when we were opening fast indicates her feelings She was basically forced into a marriage with this high caste Hindu guy by her parents |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| SisterHania |
| 08/06/02 at 15:23:33 |
| [quote] i don't know anything about her husband [/quote] [slm] Br, Since you don't know anything about her husband don't you feel guilty by going behind this man's back and encouraging his wife's feelings towards you. For all you know, this man may love his wife dearly, and treat his wife with so much respect and love. She may say otherwise, but at the end of the day you haven't heard both sides of the story. Don't fall into the trap of letting your heart control your head (or Shaitan whisper into your ear). As Sister Kathy said, there are many eligible Muslimahs who are SINGLE! It has come to the stage now where many Brothers are marrying more than 1 wife because of the shortage of Muslim husbands. The situation in China and South Africa has become especially difficult for our sisters. I will make duhaa for you Brother. I hope you make the best decision for your faith as well as your wellbeing. |
| 08/06/02 at 15:24:50 |
| SisterHania |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Nafisa |
| 08/06/02 at 15:38:45 |
| [slm] muqaddar, first of all, i'd like to applaud ur honesty and bravery in posting ur dilemma. there are blokes who wouldn't think twice about their situation even being a dilemma. it's also hard to hear things you don't want to be told such as keeping away from her. my message is........... run in the opposite direction! no, seriously, i think you should recognise and admit that this woman is not available for you. she is unhappily married and vulnerable. she may think you are the answer to her probs but the problem lies between her hubby and herself. don't put yourself in the middle. you are not responsible for her emotions or the state of her marriage. you are not the only one she can turn to so don't kid yourself into thinking she needs you. it will only make you even more emotionally involved. her world won't collapse without your help and inshallah she will be able to sort herself out. and as for finding degree educated muslimahs? there are plenty around and it really annoys me when blokes say that most muslimahs have boyfs and that's their reason for running into the arms of the nearest kaffir (not that i'm saying ur doing that). okay, i admit i know muslimahs who have boyfs and i dont hang around with girls who do that (cos i dont wanna be influenced) but keep looking and inshallah you'll find one soon. be patient and ask Allah for patience as He always grants this request (but Allah knows best, of course). i hope you can resolve this issue, |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/06/02 at 15:41:48 |
| [slm] Ukhti thats wrong, I was reading my local newspaper today and somebody actually debated this point (my city has a VERY large muslim minority) The reason why these guys are marrying two wives is basically they are forced into marrying a wife from Pakistan or India then they have a relationship with some muslim girl they met at university and being the cowards they are out of fear of there parents they don't dare divorce the first wife but they have an islamic nikaah with the second one...after a while they ditch one or the other by which time effectively one of the girls is left on the shelf for life In fact i had this muslimah friend of mine ask me this question because she had helped a friend get a islamic nikaah against the advice of her parents but the guy decided not to go for a civil marriage now after 7 years of marriage he wanted to trade her in for new model from pakistan and she couldn't even ask for a divorce My advice to this girl was..you led her into this now YOU help her out ! |
| 08/06/02 at 15:43:00 |
| muqaddar |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| siddiqui |
| 08/07/02 at 12:41:19 |
| [slm] I would love to read the refrence to your story and just wonder which city you come from As a Desi student at the University of Albany IAM YET TO MEET A PERSON DESCRIBED IN YOUR LATEST POST It would be nice if you could either provide statistics and proof before making wide spread generalisations about your brothers and sisters in ISLAM (other than hurting their feelings ,we will be accountable for our statements on the day of judgement ) like[glow=blue,2,300] "No luck there all the educated ones have had boyfriends and there's fat chance of me marrying a girl who can't control herself for 3 years like the arab proverb of the old prostitute who repents... or ''The reason why these guys are marrying two wives is basically they are forced into marrying a wife from Pakistan or India then they have a relationship with some muslim girl they met at university and being the cowards they are out of fear of there parents they don't dare divorce the first wife but they have an islamic nikaah with the second one...after a while they ditch one or the other by which time effectively one of the girls is left on the shelf for life '' [/glow] Please pray for me [wlm] |
| 08/07/02 at 14:32:59 |
| siddiqui |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/07/02 at 13:42:35 |
| [slm] Sure akhi you want proof, i'll give you the proof It's in this weeks issues of the Telegraph & Argus published in the UK , West Yorkshire article was by Anila Baig and if your still having problems then i suggest you go to any university and see how many 3rd year degree level muslimahs are going out with guys ok? and heck if you can't get to a university then please forget that try any college in the uk and if you can't even do that try the reference section of any library in the uk with an area occupied by lots of muslims Can anybody from the uk who lives in any of the cities with large muslim populations deny what i'm saying? have you been to birmigham lately? leeds? bradford? leicester? |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| siddiqui |
| 08/07/02 at 14:44:54 |
| [slm] Since the insinuations are yours br why dont you give us a few facts and we would love if you could post the articles and the proof what the article is based on :) [wlm] please pray for me |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/07/02 at 14:54:58 |
| [slm] I gave you the article you can go look it up, as confucius said i give somebody 1 corner i expect him to get 3 corners himself I have no interest in their sad pathetic lives..you obviously do so go look it up..in fact email Anila and ask her or send her a letter secondly i'm insinuating something?...nope i'm stating it... you can go check it yourself |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| siddiqui |
| 08/07/02 at 15:22:56 |
| [slm] Tut tut bro..................................... Have a nice day :) [wlm] |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/07/02 at 15:27:27 |
| [slm] et tu akhi.... it's to hot and icky here for it to a nice day... but you sure gave the cage a good rattle.... *muqaddar starts peeling a banana * |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| siddiqui |
| 08/07/02 at 15:33:35 |
| [slm] *muqaddar starts peeling a banana * hope not in the cage bro ;) [wlm] |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| saadia |
| 08/07/02 at 15:35:25 |
| [slm] Sheesh! I usually stay far far away when I sense tension and I'm not trying to butt in...... but here's my thang-- I just find it so disheartening that you feel this away about your Muslim sisters Muqadder, I don't know what you've seen or experienced, but this isn't a healthy way to look at your bros and especially sisters, you feel me? May Allah help us all. [wlm] |
| 08/07/02 at 15:41:38 |
| saadia |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/07/02 at 15:39:54 |
| [slm] You can make excuses when your covering up for someone you can't cover a general trend The one sister i respect the most is older than me, wants to get married, likes me as friend but won't because as she said she's been with too many guys in her past and i wouldn't be able to handle that i would do anything for that sister |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Nafisa |
| 08/07/02 at 16:09:45 |
| [slm] muqaddar, i seen the libraries that act as pick up points for muslims and there are muslims who may indulge in secret liasons but please don't tar every muslimah or muslim brother with the same brush. i'm sure that if you asked one of these of muslimahs who have a boyf if they also have a disapproving muslimah friend i'm sure the answer would be yes! as the saying goes, [i]dont throw the baby out with the bath water. [/i] okay, that may sound lame but you get the point? :) |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/07/02 at 17:19:11 |
| [slm] sure ukhti i see the situation froma different perspective. What we both agree on is that it happens example I was in the library 3 weeks ago (why does all this stuff happen in the reference section) when i saw a muslim male having a fight with his girlfriend (why are you being such a bitch etc) he pushed over her textbooks and stuff, so i went over and told him to leave her alone and advised her to contact the police...now this muslim girl is making eyes at me everytime i go to the library.... sorry dear i'm your brother not your 'hero' and lets put it another way would their friends not be doing the same as them if they were good looking as well? choosing NOT to do something is different from not getting the opportunity to do it..or being too afraid of your parents etc...rather it's about doing the right thing when given the opportunity... mind you i did the right thing..listened to my parents etc and it was a fiasco...so much for good advice |
| 08/07/02 at 17:20:22 |
| muqaddar |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| jannah |
| 08/07/02 at 22:43:03 |
| [slm] Ever since I was in university I noticed these types of bros that always say "there are no good decent muslimahs around". And when I suggest some good decent Muslimahs, they aren't interested for one reason or another (she's not pretty enough, she's not islamic enough, she's too islamic, she's from a different nationality etc etc). Their expectations are really great or they are looking for something that would never happen with a Muslimah. (ie "I want to get to know her without her family, I don't want to pay any Mahr, I don't want someone with a past, I don't want someone divorced etc etc.) And INVARIABLY they end up marrying a nonMuslim girl that they develop an unislamic relationship with, using the above excuses. It's amazing :) Now like (or unlike) Muqaddar I don't have any facts of figures, it's what I've noticed over the years ;) One thing to be mentioned though is that the situation of Muslims in England versus the ones in the US are very different. I noticed from learning about Muslim life in England from my English friends is that they are very advanced in a lot of things. Islam has been established in England a longer time and that also means they are not all first generation Muslims like we are here. That also means, unfortunately, society has influenced them a lot more over the generations. I heard about Muslim gangs and Muslim kids on drugs like it was common place. It's not so here. Muslimahs wearing hijab and going out with guys is, while not rare, very odd. So it's a different environment altogether. But even so saying, I refuse to believe that there are no good sisters in England, because I've met some great one's mashallah. |
| 08/07/02 at 22:45:06 |
| jannah |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| sunset |
| 08/08/02 at 05:50:40 |
| [slm] muqaddar The one sister i respect the most is older than me, wants to get married, likes me as friend but won't because as she said she's been with too many guys in her past and i wouldn't be able to handle that ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ may i ask u some questions pls ... well, i'm asking anyway ;D 1.why did u respect her the most, assuming u didnt know her history with too many guys 2. why did u respect her the most even knowing her history with guys or have ur respect changed for her? 3.u must have respect her a lot based on her modesty, chastity and purity did u? and if she has all these now... why can't u accept for who she is now rather than who she was before? 4.i noticed she will only accept u as friend cause she assumed u wouldnt able to handle her past well...was that just her assumption or for real? if just her assumption...who u searching for is right there under ur nose...if its for real...why can't u handle it? sorry if my Qs has offended u somehow... have a [] or green tea ;) before answering them ... wasalam :-) |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/08/02 at 15:12:26 |
| [slm] I respected her after she said no and told me her history. We met because I was reading an islamic book and she asked me about it. I didn't think she was the type of person who had done that sort of stuff though the other girls in the office told me. I know she is desperate to get married but she was honest enough to tell me the truth unlike my ex I can accept people who do lots of bad stuff as people and as friends because theres lots of muslims in my area who do drugs and stuff who i grew up with. They are asically just self destructive I've also met some people who were outwardly good muslims in terms of prayers etc but were really bad when it came to dealing with people. 4.i noticed she will only accept u as friend cause she assumed u wouldnt able to handle her past well...was that just her assumption or for real? if just her assumption...who u searching for is right there under ur nose...if its for real...why can't u handle it? I found out her current boyfriend is my distant cousin and she's basically lost all hope that he will ever marry her because he's already married with 2 kids. She understands what happens in arguments between people remember these are people who are alive who she's been with not events that happened a long time ago. She realised from how we met that i viewed her other than what she was sorry if my Qs has offended u somehow... have a [] or green tea ;) before answering them ... hey ur a green tea fan too?!..great it's gotten so bad that I can only drink even normal tea cold ! ..the secretaries stopped making me tea until i told them i like it cold... it's my only eccentricity wasalam :-) [/quote] |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Barr |
| 08/08/02 at 21:25:28 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :-) [quote]likes me as friend but won't because as she said she's been with too many guys in her past and i wouldn't be able to handle that [/quote] Hmm, i think its the challenge. You felt challenged. You like challenge. |
| 08/08/02 at 21:27:00 |
| Barr |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| sunset |
| 08/09/02 at 01:37:07 |
| [slm] didnt muqaddar just said he respected her after she said no and told her history . hmm...would he respected her as much if she said yes and told her history? ::) sorry if i sound provoking here... have some icy green tea first bro :) i kinda agree with Barr..it could have been the challenge that made him tempted ??? i must admit i used to/sometimes have this attitude as well :( i only realise the value of something after someone else was trying to get the same thing... before that it just wasnt as tempting but once there's a 'fight' over it... hey i saw that first ;) this 'fight' is not over a bro btw :P but normal stuff like shirt, bags etc. [wlm] :-) ps i'm not a fan of green tea btw... i offered bro muqaddar for cooling him just incase his temperature goes up with my posting ;D |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/09/02 at 13:59:29 |
| [slm] hey the green chai works wonders for my blood pressure.. *thinks this is the first time he's been offered herbal substances by a sister to calm him down...* Sorry guys there's no challenge there..I liked her before I knew her background..but then I have lots of friends with backgrounds ...her private life dosn't affect me, since we don't go there.. besides i can't sort my own life out..what possible advice can i give her ? Fighting over something you've never wanted...yeah there's a story about how Hadrat Adam (pbuh) met Hadrat Jibreel (pbuh) Hadrat Jibreel drew a line in the sand and said to Hadrat Adam "this is my area !' and Hadrat Adam started fighting with him even though he had the whole earth.. Man's nature is territorial whether in be in the framework of land, ideology, mates or anything else. The ego desires to create a space of it's own, and it's 'space' needs to find expression if i'm just babbling...blame it on the green tea ! |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| Fatimah |
| 08/09/02 at 14:42:29 |
| [slm] [quote]yeah there's a story about how Hadrat Adam (Peace Be Upon Him) met Hadrat Jibreel (Peace Be Upon Him) Hadrat Jibreel drew a line in the sand and said to Hadrat Adam "this is my area !' and Hadrat Adam started fighting with him even though he had the whole earth..[/quote] Where can I find this story to read? Hmmmm...have you ever thought to marry a girl from another background? I know most of the religious girls here (im in egypt right now) dont have backgrounds.. Maybe thats something to consider. |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/09/02 at 15:55:10 |
| [slm] Sheikh Hamza Yusuf tells the story in one of his cassettes :-[ can't remember which one bro/sis neither I nor my family care about the cultural background because my tribe inherits through the male line. So the kids would inherit my tribal lineage i'd just be worried about marrying from third world because of the bad experiences with my ex and her 'green card' |
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| Danyala |
| 08/09/02 at 17:00:46 |
| [slm] Lol. I've been listening to this debate/conversation with fascination. As a third year degree level student in the U.K, brother Muqadder I see both where you are coming from and also where your blind spot is. With regards to this comment firstly: and lets put it another way would their friends not be doing the same as them if they were good looking as well? NOPE. I see many gals and guys 'getting it on' so to speak on a daily basis, but equally I know many girls that ARE mashallah good looking, sweet natured, intelligent and funny that are NOT up to all sorts. The reason that brothers don't know of them - here's where your blind spot comes in - is cos they are that modest they don't WANT to be noticed, and go out of their way not to be. In my opinion you are going about trying to find a rishta the wrong way. Is there a hadith along the lines of that you can judge a man by the company he keeps? Why don't you ask a sister or cousin to look out for you and rather than approaching the sisters themselves, get your parents to ask her parents and take it from there? For the type of girl you are looking for, I don't know many who would want you to to approach them personally. Wasalams :-* |
| Re: Married Woman in Love with me |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/09/02 at 17:17:29 |
| [slm] :) already done that Danyala ! Didn't I tell you my friends had been indirectly suggesting their sisters were eligible ? I told you the outcome of that ! Secondly my mum has been looking as have her friends and apart from a over friendly look from the daughter of my mums sikh friend ... ;D .. (errm no thanks ! ) there's been nothing ! Well there was one cousin she's doing law in London finished her degree just doing her LPC I wanted to know what the problem was because her sister knows me and she said yes straight away on the phone to my mum then they asked the girl she wants to wait 3 years before she even gives an answer either way ...anyway i figured that was pretty suspicious..checked and found she's going with a bloke ..mashalla they both deserve each other !.... because he's seeing somebody else as well on the side... If she thinks I'm going to wait 3 years and then she's going to marry me after she's had a her bit of fun she can forget it ! feel sorry for her parents though when they find out cause she'll either be killed or thrown out of the house and it's going to cause them hearthache |
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