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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Annoying Spouse? |
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| Anonymous |
| 08/05/02 at 02:27:15 |
| I'm doing this anonymously cause my spouse sometimes reads this and I don't want to offend. Do any of the sisters deal with spouses with bad manors and habits that drive you up the wall? How do you deal with it? What does on do when you have told your spouse only for them to continue? To a point of you being sometimes repulsed by your spouse which is not a good thing. Things like passing gas in public, smacking/chomping/slurping when eatting, trying food off your plate without asking, drawing attention to himself in public? I'm at a point where sometimes I can't stand to be around him. |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| Fatimah |
| 08/05/02 at 10:47:02 |
| [slm] Have you advised him with hadith and Quran? There is a hadith that mentions a man burping in front of the Prophet [saw] and the Prophet disapproving of it. I can look it up for you inshaAllah if you'd like. Also there is a hadith about eating what is nearest to you..(I dont find my husband eating off my plate bothersome, I love sharing food with him) There is a hadith that says not to laugh when someone passes gas..perhaps he is doing this to make people laugh? If so, maybe if he knew this hadith he would stop. About chomping/slurping/smacking when he eats...well, I'd just let him know it bothers you, and after that I'd just be patient if he continues. People are raised differently, maybe he finds it normal to do.. Nobody is perfect. Tell him the hadiths about shyness ect.. Maybe you telling him it bothers you alone wont make him stop these things..but maybe if you advise him with Quran and hadith he would.. There is a hadith that says to the meaning if a man sees a fault in his wife's character, he would also find something that pleases him. So focus on his good, not his bad.. Allahu Alim. |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| Kathy |
| 08/05/02 at 19:25:55 |
| [slm] ...and after you have taken all the time to tell him about these hadiths and he still continues to eat as if he has been starving for 40 days and can't shovel it in fast enough.... and won't change and become a pleasant person to eat out with.... ....go without him! |
| 08/05/02 at 19:27:02 |
| Kathy |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| eleanor |
| 08/06/02 at 01:18:57 |
| [quote author=Kathy link=board=sis;num=1028528835;start=0#2 date=08/05/02 at 19:25:55] he still continues to eat as if he has been starving for 40 days and can't shovel it in fast enough![/quote] God yeah - that is my husband. You'd swear he never got a bit the way he eats sometimes. I find it kind of funny though, it doesn't annoy me. I always tell him that he should eat slowly, enjoy his food... but that's just not him. Once we watched a part of this cookery programme where the chef was making fish. He went to so much trouble. All the herbs and spices, and making the sauce... it took AGES. Then when he was finished there was this little bit of fish in the middle of a big plate. It looked about the size of a muffin. The look on my husband's face was PRICELESS!! lol... He was so disgusted and I said "Yeah great, I'd spend hours cooking something and then hubby comes in, picks it up, shoves the whole thing in his mouth and then says 'what's for dinner?' "... we rolled around laughing, it was so funny. And yes, telling him can sometimes have adverse effects. For example, burping. I HATE to hear burping. It drives me mad. So when my husband burps, I ignore it. He does it again, I ignore it. Then he keeps burping, ON PURPOSE, until I react. Then I go mental and start shouting "you know I hate that - why are you just trying to annoy me!!" and he sits there looking innocent ::) I say, even if he is a bit of a loud/rude eater, you gotta love him anyway :-X wasalaam eleanor |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| Anonymous |
| 08/09/02 at 04:33:42 |
| Yes when you are cuddled up together with one plate, thats romantic. But in a resturant in public and without even asking he reaches over and stabs the food your plate, that is not romantic. He could ask for a taste. Burping is not cute when done purposely to get a response and sounds more like an 8 year old trying to be cute not a grown man. Maybe I'm old fashioned. The smacking and chomping and sucking food of fingers and slurping in annoying and gross. My spouse is a kind and good man but these bad habits make me a little less respectful of him. And in front of people I get embarrassed. Do I sound to picky? I have told him these things annoy me and look bad when done in front of others. He tries to stop for a day then goes back to it. I know you need to pick your battles. He is a good man, a good provider. I am thankful I didn't end up with a spouse who beats or emotionally abuses. But little things can wear you down over time. I want to enjoy my meals, not grit my teeth and think what an ill manored thing my spouse is everytime we eat. I ask? Am I to picky? Is this a man thing? |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| M.F. |
| 08/09/02 at 05:24:44 |
| Dear Anon, Yes, maybe it's just a man thing, and although it's annoying maybe you can just do your best to try to ignore it. I say this because... well he's worth it right? He's loving and a great provider etc but he has these annoying habiits. Don't think of them as something he does to provoke you. The poor man just probably never was told as a kid that it was rude so that's the way he grew up. You can't raise him now, he's not your kid. You've let him know that it annoys you no end. I personally don't think that reaching over and forking food out of my plate is really rude. When you're so comfortable with someoen that you feel you can do that, it's great. The other stuff, well, just use that look of disgust. But don't let things escalate. I mean don't walk out if it happens, it'll blow things way out of proportion, and you don't want it to be the BIG thing in your life that you fight over right? Just don't eat out as much ;) Bottom line: he's worth it. |
| beingRe: Annoying Spouse? |
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| Palestine__Love |
| 08/10/02 at 22:29:49 |
| [slm] Okay, here's what you do (hopefully it works) Every time your husband does something rude have him put $1.00 in a jar. I've seen this on the Simpsons, where Marge has Homer put some cents into a jar everytime Homer uses foul language. When the jar is full (hopefully he stops being rude before the jar fills up) you could go out and buy something for yourself. I hope your husband agrees to do the "Rude Money" thing. I have a friend whos husband tickles her alot and she HATES being tickled. Her husband uses it against her. If she has the remote control-he'll go up to her and tickle her until she lets go of the remote. So finally she decided to put an end to it. Her husband has this "classic car" that he won't let her or anybody drive. He gets mad if you just touch it. So he has the spare car key in his wallet. He went to sleep one afternoon and my friend went and took his spare, made a copy, came back home and purposly moved his car a few feet from its orginal spot, went back into the house to put the spare back and hid the copy. He basically found the car moved-freaked out-and she told him what she did and said if he tickled her again, she'll wait til he's asleep and drive his car around the block. He hasn't tickled her since. I know it sounds corny (don't worry he didn't hit or yell at her-he's cool) but maybe you need to do something similar like this--but not to crazy where you guys will argue,fight and get divorce. ;) |
| 08/10/02 at 22:36:22 |
| Palestine__Love |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/10/02 at 22:44:19 |
| [slm] It's not a MAN thing ! :o It's a 'brought up as a slob' thing ! heck i heard christina aguilera goes to the loo dosn't wash her hands and then comes back and eats... thats just so you know NOT to shake hands with her ;) so it can be a woman thing as well ! |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| amatullah |
| 08/10/02 at 23:51:35 |
| Bismillah and salam, I hope sister you will not be offended by what i write but my opinion is that you are not perfect either. I am sure anyone who knows you (or me or anyone in this world) can list some things that are annoying and plain wrong about that person. Why don't we start to behave not just outwardly Islam but purify our hearts internally to feel islam??? the prophet saws said...(meaning): if you find something you don't like in your wife(spouse), don't pick on that, think about the tratits that you do like. That is good advice subhan Allah! The islam didn't leave anything out. Meanwhile you will go pick up some self-help books about they will also have something to say about the negativity and the way you, yourself, see and chose to live life. If you focus on the annoyances too much, you will be repulsed and might even destroy your own marriage. I doubt that these are islamically incorrect or harmful things. So i think you either mention it in the best way. try different methods that are not so hurtful to the feelings as being direct and tactless in this sitaution which usually backfires. Mu`adh bin Jabal (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Whenever a woman harms her husband in this world (that is without any due right), his wife among the (Houris in Jannah) says: `You must not harm him. May Allah destroy you! He is only a passing guest with you and is about to leave you to come to us". [At-Tirmidhi]. So yes basically i think you are being too picky, unrealistic, or something to that effect. I know that there are things that do repulse each other and in that sense he HAS to change them. But if it is annoyances, i advice that you close the door on shaytan there before he makes them into repulsion. There are really endless bigger problems that can go wrong. so thank Allah and He will increase the good. And be patient. no one is perfect sis. And in all honesty i believe alllllll couples experience similar feelings about particular aspects...just don't take them to an extreme. And another quick point...ever noticed how when you guys are getting along or disagree those things become emphazied? That is shaytan's doing. he considers it ultimately his son and hugs him the shaytan that managed to seperate the married. |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| It_Dont_Matter |
| 08/11/02 at 00:40:23 |
| [slm] I'm usually not into the message board thing but for some strange reason this one has some topics that are reeling me in! ;D Anonymous, it sounds to me like you have a typical husband! Men are like that. During courting they're sweet with such manners! After marraige they become Al Bundy wanna-be's! My advice -- look at him, then ::) , play it 8) , and drink an ice cold [] . :-/ |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/11/02 at 10:50:05 |
| [slm] Wow some of the sisters her are so bitter... :) Have some green tea..cause Bebsi will give you heartburn ;D Anyway have you girls considered how annoying it is to to find bunches of hair in the plughole when you have a shower? how about..a 1/2 hour shopping trip turns into 2 hours deciding whether one particular item will suit you? ! You make it clear your bored with a conversation by saying hh ahunh...hmm...and she thinks your still listening !... ;D *muqaddar licks a finger and marks the score * one for the guys ! ;D ;D ;D |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| eleanor |
| 08/11/02 at 11:21:59 |
| [quote author=muqaddar link=board=sis;num=1028528835;start=0#10 date=08/11/02 at 10:50:05] Anyway have you girls considered how annoying it is to to find bunches of hair in the plughole when you have a shower? how about..a 1/2 hour shopping trip turns into 2 hours deciding whether one particular item will suit you? ![/quote] yes of course!! that is why we put up with the burping and chomping :D [quote] You make it clear your bored with a conversation by saying hh ahunh...hmm...and she thinks your still listening !... ;D[/quote] Ha - my husband does that ALL THE TIME!!! And to make matters worse when I have finished talking, just to provoke me that little bit more, he KEEPS saying aha umhm.. Until I go "I'm finished now" and then he goes "Oooh right..." ::) [quote]*muqaddar licks a finger and marks the score * one for the guys ! ;D ;D ;D[/quote] hope you washed your hands!! *eleanor ducks and runs* |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| muqaddar |
| 08/11/02 at 12:51:08 |
| [quote author=eleanor link=board=sis;num=1028528835;start=0#11 date=08/11/02 at 11:21:59] hope you washed your hands!! *eleanor ducks and runs* [/quote] *muqaddar throws a cold dripping wet sponge at eleanor* I have now... ;D |
| 08/11/02 at 12:53:20 |
| muqaddar |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| Kathy |
| 08/11/02 at 19:37:50 |
| [quote author=muqaddar link=board=sis;num=1028528835;start=0#10 date=08/11/02 at 10:50:05] You make it clear your bored with a conversation by saying hh ahunh...hmm...and she thinks your still listening !... ;D [/quote] And just about then I walk away saying..."too bad you weren't listening because i had something juicy to tell you" Then you should see who comes running! Amatullah- Is it really too picky to ask your hubby to stop burping,belching and picking his nose in front of you? Does he offer these same mannerisms infront of the Imam or his boss? ...but it is ok to his wife? I wonder if your advice would differ if a husband wrote complaining about his wife doing the same things. |
| 08/11/02 at 19:41:28 |
| Kathy |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| amatullah |
| 08/11/02 at 21:07:15 |
| Bismillah and salam, Point made sister Kathy. Every spouse should try to make themselves be attractive to the other and not to do gross things and to look nice smell clean etc. but i didn't say she is picky for asking to stop. i said to ask with wisdom. and if it doens't happen and as she says he keeps doing it and she is focusing on his (this) negative so much to the point of replusion, then yes she is too picky. If that is the worst problem she has wiht her life parnter, she really is blessed. We all have shortcomings, some worse than otheres. We need to not focus on those of our partners and treat them with mercy and see the good in them instead so that Allah will do that to us. But i do see your point. i just don't think she should let it get to her like that. in the large scale of life it is not that big deal i think. and she herself probably has annoying habits just as we all do. "Does he offer these same mannerisms infront of the Imam or his boss? ...but it is ok to his wife? " I don't know but it sounds like she says he does it all the time infront of others as well.?! "I wonder if your advice would differ if a husband wrote complaining about his wife doing the same things. " In all honesty yes i would tell him wallahi to look for the good in her instead and appreicate all the hard work she do do to make him happy. |
| Re: Annoying Spouse? |
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| Anonymous |
| 08/13/02 at 21:07:02 |
| Thank you everyone for your help. It actually helped just getting it out and talking about it. Amatullah is a little right, if these are the worst of my problems (and they are) I'm really not trying to be picky so if you know how I was raised maybe you'd understand. Manors are important to me cause I was raised like this elbows off the table/ cover your mouth when you cough/leave the room if you have to pass gas/don't ask someone how much they make or how much they paid for something/don't blow you nose unless it is neccessary in front of people go to another room/Eat with your mouth closed/Don't suck your finger use a napkin the wipe them off. So being raise with what I believe are proper manors and seeing others doing different makes me thing someone failed to teach manors. I really do like the dollar per offense idea that was cute. But these are the biggest problems so I'll chill. |
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