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Marriage Fears

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Marriage Fears
Anonymous
08/09/02 at 04:49:21
asalamo alaycom warahmatollahi wabarakatoho to everyone reading

i'm an 18 year old sister and I'm soon soon to be married, i know that my husband to be
has had intimate relations with other women outside of marriage in the past, and i greatly
fear that i will be compared with those women who are far more experienced than i.. i've
never had a boyfriend and the thought of being intimate with him alone is daunting, let
alone the fear that i wont meet his expectations.
I can't discuss this with him as I'm not supposed to know of his past, I'm hoping that
someone can give me some naseeha as to how i should deal with this situation, and the best
way to bring myself to show him love and affection.
May Allah reward you,

Your sister in Islam,
Re: Marriage Fears
Kathy
08/09/02 at 07:52:37
[slm]

I have very limited knowledge on this subject, However a friend went thru this kind of scenerio...chaste and "zani."

I went with her to a scholor and he said it was permissible as long as the man repented and never did it again.

She did say "ouside of marriage" that may mean he was not married. Also becareful of accepting 2nd hand information. How do you really know that he is not a virgin? Ask him directly..he maybe your husband.

My suggestion is to go to your imam and ask if your soon to be marriage is allowed.
08/09/02 at 07:55:23
Kathy
Re: Marriage Fears
dirt
08/09/02 at 10:21:28
[slm]

I find it disturbing that M.F. is so judgemental and condeming of a man she has never even met.  Granted, fornication is a major sin, but if the man has repented and is no longer a fornicator, I don't see the problem.  If he is straight with Allah SWT then he should be straight with the rest of us.  

As for anonymous, this must be tough for you, I'm sure.  I'm not sure what the answer is.  I don't know whether it's better to talk to him about it, talk to an imam, or not talk to anyone at all.  I just don't know.  Maybe post the question to a site that has imams and scholars answering such questions.  Can anyone give her a link?

[wlm]

08/09/02 at 10:22:30
dirt
Re: Marriage Fears
theOriginal
08/09/02 at 11:30:58
[slm]

Well, in complying with dirt's response -- if indeed this man is ernest in wanting to marry you, with a pure and sincere niyah, then insha Allah, you ought not to worry about him "comparing" you with the "more experienced".

But perhaps, since you have (unbeknowest to him) found out about his past, perhaps you should seriously think hard about whether this is really what you want.  Perhaps not now, but maybe after you're married, it may come to be a problem for you, where you are unable to continue by keeping this knowledge secret.  Because, after all, we are all human, and it may anger you later on.  

If I were in your position, I would talk to him...not a direct confrontation, but something more subtle.  Because, after all, as his future wife you have the right to know, and the right to change your decision after finding out about this.

Make du'aa for youself.  May Allah (azza wa jall) make your decision easy for you, and may He grant you happiness alongwith that decision.  Ameen.

Wasalaam,

SF.
Re: Marriage Fears
M.F.
08/09/02 at 13:01:17
Assalamu alaikum,
The thing that led me to be judgmental is the fact that the sister "wasn't supposed to know" about his past.  That by itself makes me wary, and that's what makes her unable to be able to talk to him about it.
Bro Dirt said:  "If he is straight with Allah SubHana Wa Ta`ala then he should be straight with the rest of us."  I completely agree.  That's why I wonder why he wasn't straight with the sister.  I don't mean he's supposed to go and confess everything but why was she not supposed to find out about it....
That's what bothered me.


Re: Marriage Fears
dirt
08/09/02 at 13:53:31
[slm]

This is a grey area to me.  On one hand, one isn't supposed to reveal sins which one is repentent for, correct?  On the other hand, a potential spouse should know all there is to know about a potential mate.  So is it the right of anyone, even a potential spouse to ask about sins of the past of which one is repentent?

This is assuming of course the person in question is truly repentent.

[wlm]
Re: Marriage Fears
Fatimah
08/09/02 at 14:31:58
[slm]
Question:

As-salam wai lai kum,
When helping brothers/sisters to find suitable Muslim partners, what questions can be asked, and what is forbidden to ask ?
Can one ask about their past when they were non-Muslim or not practicing Muslims ?
Can one ask ones wife/sister to describe in detail the appearance of an intended wife or describe in detail to them regarding a brother ?
Was Salam

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

If you want to look for a wife for someone, or a husband for a woman, then you can ask him about his wishes, such as the desired age, level of education, employment situation, country and origin and position of the family, and whether he has any preferences about her general appearance, such as skin colour, height, etc. The most important characteristic to ask about is a person’s level of commitment to Islam. This kind of useful question is fine.

But asking for details of a person’s past and wanting to know what sins they might have committed when they were ignorant about Islam – this is not right at all. Allaah covers people’s sins and loves to see them covered (i.e., not dragged out into the open). So long as a person has repented, his sins have been wiped out. Islam deletes whatever came before, so why should we ask questions that will only embarrass people? Allaah accepts people’s repentance without their having to confess or expose their sins to any other person. A number of the Sahaabah had committed adultery and murder repeatedly, or had buried infant girls alive, or stolen things, but when they entered Islam they were the best of people. No one needs to be reminded of a shameful past; it is over and done with, and Allaah is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. What matters when considering a person for marriage is how that person is now: is he righteous or not? Has he cut all ties with his past and his wrong deeds, or not? If he is clearly living a good and righteous life now, then it is wrong to dig up the past. If there is any fear of anything that could have future implications, such as certain diseases and so on, then there are medical tests which can give the answer and put your mind at rest.

As far as giving a detailed description of a prospective wife to someone is concerned, this can be done in writing: one of her mahram relatives (i.e. a blood relative to whom marriage is permanently forbidden) or a woman who knows her can write down a description, then a trustworthy person can deliver it to one who is seriously considering a marriage proposal. The Prophet  (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should describe another woman to her husband as if he can see her.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4839)

The wisdom behind this prohibition is the fact that a husband might like the sound of what he hears, so he may divorce the one who described the other to him, or there may be temptation to do wrong. (Commentary on the above hadeeth in Fath al-Baari).

We ask Allaah to help us all to do that which He loves and will earn His pleasure. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)

08/09/02 at 14:35:29
Fatimah
Re: Marriage Fears
muqaddar
08/09/02 at 16:45:38
[slm]

Find out when he was last in contact with these other people outside
of marriage.

Then think it through . Whether he has repented or his parents are telling
him to get married.

I know a guy who is currently visiting massage parlours &
see's a girl who he calls his 'ex' although I don't know why
why he calls her his ex (!) since she's still available every weekend
and yet this guy is about to marry a girl who's a virgin  because he
wants a decent girl ! ...I doubt if the girl knows his background

Sis my advice is unless he's drastically changed in the last 2/3 years
dump him or give him some time to assure yourself the change is
real.

Consider yourself first . You don't owe him anything. He's the
one who has sinned and should prove himself to you

Re: Marriage Fears
EdisonShi
08/09/02 at 17:01:53
I don't know much about Islamic rule, but as someone who did not become a Muslim until he was 27 and, sadly, was active with Women since 15.  On that side of things you have nothing to fear.  The mere look in the eye of the Woman I love is worth ten times the bedroom feats of any other Woman.  Period.  Love and Respect matter in any kind of intamacy and physical is especially so.  Rest your head.   Now as to alll the rest of the points brought up, I certainly can't say.  I'd decide if I trust and love this man and than relax about the rest.
08/09/02 at 17:02:38
EdisonShi
Re: Marriage Fears
muqaddar
08/09/02 at 17:31:15
[quote author=EdisonShi link=board=sis;num=1028882961;start=0#9 date=08/09/02 at 17:01:53]
I'd decide if I trust and love this man and than relax about the rest.[/quote]


 [slm]

  With all due respect bro you've got the wrong end of the stick
  It's not whether she will love and trust this man. Since she's
  chaste then the question is

  'Will he love and trust her ?' or more importantly will he be faithful
   to her and not continue as before or worse mess up her life
Re: Marriage Fears
se7en
08/10/02 at 20:15:19
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah,

anonymous, if I understand your situation correctly, you're not *reconsidering* marrying the bro because you found out about his past, but you're concerned about these fears that you have.

I'm going to assume here that you know for sure that his past *is* his past - meaning that he has no attachment or involvement with the things and people he used to be around at that time.

If all of the above is the case, I don't think you have anything to worry about, inshaAllah :)  The bro has chosen you as his *wife* - friend, companion, love for life - and that is a very special relationship.  It's a bond that cannot be compared to anything else.  And if the bro has repented, he's going to look back at his past with regret and not as a reference point.

An older thread you might want to check out is the one [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=3243]here[/url].

may Allah bless you two and grant you happiness :)

wasalaamu alaykum :-)
Re: Marriage Fears
Anonymous
08/12/02 at 05:06:39
salam
I want to provide a reply to sister M.F, if I may. To cut to the chase, based upon the limited amount of evidence that has been supplied with regards to the nature of this brothers characteristcs, I think you have provided extrememely unjust and inappropriate advice.

Do you know of the level and status of this brothers repentance to Allah? Do you know how much he may/may not have prayed to Allah in sincerity and devotion for forgiveness from what he has done? Despite asking the question of whether he has hidden this from the anonymous sister with bad intent, you still go on to make the assumption, on limited evidence,
that he has.

I advise the sister to read the very same post, by brother bhaloo, on the adultery thread which sister M.F has recommended in the Naseeha forum - which clearly indicates the standing with regards to moving away from the state of a fornicator upon sincere repentance to Allah - and the result that has regarding marrying chaste women.

If this brother is not repentant of his sin and has bad intent in hiding that, it becomes a different matter - but sister M.F you do not know that. Comitting fornication within marriage is very different to comitting it outside of marriage. If the brother did not know the anonymous sister at the time of his sins, then as long as he has no bad intent in keeping it hidden, then that is a matter between him and Allah - for him to repent only to
Him, and to seek forgiveness and reprieve only from Him - sister M.F is he condemned to be a fornicator until he meets his Lord? No. Allah is the Most Forgiving and Full of Mercy, praise be to Him, Lord of the worlds.

wa salam
08/12/02 at 08:57:49
Kathy
Re: Marriage Fears
muqaddar
08/12/02 at 15:02:59
[slm]

Anonymous your the most forgiving person on the planet !

Lets ask the key questions then..how about why didn't he marry

the girl he fornicated with?..If SHE'S a muslim and gets married

what happens when her husband discovers on the marriage night

she's not a virgin...do you think he's ever going to forget?..can

you imagine how angry HE'S going to be because she decided

to cover up her past? Why have one rule for men and another for

women? That's a peculiarly roman attitude that ...men are studs and

 women are slappers..

If the man had an ounce of decency he would have married the

girl who's virginity he's taken. The fact that he hasn't says everything

about him.....

I know guys like this who sleep around with muslim girls, then they

want a virgin because they think the girls they were doing were slappers!

Tell me who made them that way? It takes two to tango.

This is not an islamic state where he is too cowardly to face justice

this is a western state where he's a moral coward and hypocrite.

IF HE WISHES TO REPENT LET HIM MARRY THE GIRL WHO'S

PURDA HE TOOK AWAY!  >:(
Re: Marriage Fears
Kathy
08/12/02 at 21:53:44
[quote author=muqaddar link=board=sis;num=1028882961;start=0#13 date=08/12/02 at 15:02:59] [ IF HE WISHES TO REPENT LET HIM MARRY THE GIRL WHO'S PURDA HE TOOK AWAY!  >:( [/quote]

[wlm]
unless:
IslamQ&A #14381
[code].....Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem was asked about the ruling on getting married to a woman who has committed zina. He said: “it is not permissible to marry the woman who has committed adultery until she repents… if a man wants to marry her, he has to be sure that she is not pregnant, by waiting until she has a period before he does the marriage contract with her. If she is pregnant, then it is not permissible for him to marry her until she has given birth.”  [/code]
Re: Marriage Fears
M.F.
08/13/02 at 04:57:17
Bismillah
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,
I ask Allah and you all to forgive if my advice was unsubstantiated.  I admit that I gave little benefit of the doubt to the person whom the sister is marrying, and I gave advice that may have been bad based on it.  Astaghfirullah.  I hope insha Allah that she is marrying someone who now fears Allah and is sincere.
However the issue of the sister already having fears of being compared to the women with whom her husband has been before and that fear should be addressed before she gets married, and probably the only way she can be reassured is by her husband himself, none of us can give her the reassurance that she needs.
08/13/02 at 05:10:31
M.F.
Re: Marriage Fears
jannah
08/13/02 at 18:04:18
[slm]

I've deleted the last few posts in this thread. The sister has received some opinions to her question. There is no need for us to go further.


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