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Input, please.
Serena
10/08/02 at 13:20:17
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

I pray everyone is in the best of health and iman!

Okay, so here's the thing. With *a lot* of pressure from my husband I reluctantly put my daughter back in public school this year. She will be 12 in a few days and she's in 6th grade.

Last Friday she came home from school with head lice.  I was curious how she got it since she has been wearing hijab for a few years now. After a while she said that she removes her hijab while at school because kids tease her too much about it.  :o She then told me that she had a talk with my husband and he told her that it was okay and that it was her decision on whether she wanted to be Muslim or not, since she no longer felt proud to be one. I was shocked!

I have homeschooled her for almost 4 years now and she always had excellent grades and a good, positive disposition. Now, her grades are falling and she's getting such an attitude with me. :(

My husband said that because she hasn't reached the age of puberty yet I should just let her be, I feel differently.

I want to put her back in homeschooling but my husband said "no way". He feels that she "socializes" better in the public school setting. If this is the socialization that she's receiving, by saying she is no longer proud to be Muslim, then I totally disagree.

Any advice on what I should do ???

Wa'assalam,

Serena  :-*
Re: Input, please.
Red
10/08/02 at 23:49:38
[slm] sister,

I really wish i had something good to say, but i will pray for your daughter. its a real sticky situation. But, maybe you could talk to you husband again, and show him how much she has changed suddenly. The real question may be: Does she want to go back to homeschooling? Or does she prefer public school?

wasalam,
red
Re: Input, please.
merimda
10/09/02 at 00:38:55
Salam Sr Serena,

This is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong answer I feel.

I can relate with your daughter, somewhat. I went through a similar phase. From S.K right until grade five I went to an Islamic school. When I went out it was with my family and we usually went to the mosque and other Islamic outings. All my friends where Muslims. I had no opportunity to socialize with non-Muslims. When I was twelve all that changed. My parents decided to put me in a public school. I remember the first day of school I didn't want to go with my hijab on because I was too embarrassed and was afraid that people would make fun of me so I took it off. Although I did put it back on the next day (why I put it back on is another story and it certainly wasn't because I was proud to be a Muslim) I was still embarrassed and would slip my scarf back as far as possible. I would do anything to make myself look as un-Muslim as possible to try to fit in. This kind of attitude went on for a few years. But alhamdullilah I never went far. I always felt guilty when I did something wrong, like the one time I went to a school dance or when I used foul language. I never dated, smoked or did any of that kind of stuff and I attribute that to my Islamic socialization all those years. When I started high school I began to realize that the way I had been acting was not me. I felt like a phony. I slowly began to make an effort to be more Muslim and not be ashamed of who I was. With time I gained an appreciation and a better understanding of Islam; an appreciation and an understanding, I believe, I never would have gained if I had not gone through that phase. Only Allah Knows.


This is just my story. I don't really have an opinion because there are advantages and disadvantages with both choices. How it will work out, Allahu Alam.  Also, I can't really say what is best because the situation is different today, especially after Sept 11. Things might be more difficult for Muslim children today in public schools.


I agree with Red.  How does your daughter feel? Does she feel more comfortable schooling at home or in a public school? Does she feel bad taking off her hijab? Just because she is not proud to be a Muslim in public it doesn't mean that she rejects the faith.  Allowing her the freedom to choose is important but  at the same time one should encourage her and advise her to do what is right and what is best. What I think you and your husband should do is pray Istikhara and then put your trust in Allah. Insha-Allah if you do that everything will work out for the best.

best wishes ^_^
salam,
merimda
10/09/02 at 12:57:52
merimda
Re: Input, please.
Maliha
10/09/02 at 07:35:09
[slm] Sr Serena,
I pray you are in the best of health and iman...
Last night I was reading "Agenda to Change our condition" by Hamza Yusuf, and I wish i had the book to recount what he says about the public educational system. But a quick recap is that the schools are entrenched in the indoctrination of western norms and culture. Instead of nurturing the intellect, they stunt growth and prepare children to be nothing but functional literates...etc.
There was a whole discussion a little while back on homeschooling/ vs  public school, you might wanna check it out.
For my children I would personally either send them to Islamic schools or teach them at home. I have a little sister and I see the effects of public schools on her attitude, interests, etc. I don't like what i see. I don't like the fact that they are implicitly encouraged to show their feelings, have boyfriends, homosexuality is okay, sex education, etc.
they are surrounded by non Muslims and being young the kids would naturally like to fit in. We know the dangers of peer pressure even on adults.
The whole environment is *not* suitable for a young girl especially at the forming stages of puberty, where they are being hit by hormones, and all the other melodrama of growing up.
I grew up in a muslim society and although i went to public schools at least the majority of the students were muslim and we even had Islamic Religious education as part of the curriculum.
I urge you to really talk with your husband and daughter candidly. Your role as a mother is to ensure your daughter receives the *best* education possible to ensure her success in this life and the hereafter.
I pray that Allah makes your journey smooth and guides and protects your daughter and family (Amin).

Sis,
Maliha :-)
[wlm]
Re: Input, please.
Anonymous
10/15/02 at 03:40:19
Hi cara here, for some reason the pc is acting up and won't let me sign in.

I sure don't evy you and I hope you and your husband can talk this out.
I personally love the home schooling concept and home schooled my sons till they
were at an age I couldn't do their education justice.

My suggestion would be to seek out parents who home schooled and put their children in
public school. See what they have to share. I bet many regret the move.
I find children of friends (that I personally know) to be much more poliet,
comp[assionate, more grounded in their faith  and sensative
to their families needs (siblings) Poliet, no peer presure, not being exposed to children
from families who are not of like mind as you and your family and your network of
friends.

If you can find several folks who did this and they share their exper with your husband
maybe he would reconsider. Kids learn some pretty bad habits when exposed to other
children who are not raised as your is.

I pray you and your husband will be given the wisdom to deal with this so that your child
gets what is best for her and both you and your hubby are comfortable.

Also socialization comes in many forms not just school. Maybe you can find other ways and
present them to your husband.

In a hurry, didn't check spelling sorry  

Re: Input, please.
gift
10/15/02 at 08:05:30
[slm]

Sr Serena, I wish I had some advice for you, but the only thing I can do is to share my experience.  I was brought up in the public school system in the UK and I am ashamed to say that from age 12 -16 I wasn't really interested in Islam  :( I just wanted to fit in and be like all the other kids.  However, I managed to maintain some kind of link with Islam through my wonderful parents, and also through the mosque school which I used to attend once a week.  This ensured that I had [i]some[/i] muslim friends - because in public school I didn't have any.  Now my brother is going through the same system (he's 15), and thanks to the experiences of my parents, my sister and I, we are able to curb the negative influences of the school.

The last thing I would say is that if your husband insists that your daughter remains at a public school, you can only do your best to provide her with an additional atmosphere in which she can socialise - ie an Islamic one.  

I hope things work out for you and your daughter, may Allah swt grant you both guidance and patience.

[wlm]

10/15/02 at 08:06:39
gift
Re: Input, please.
Kathy
10/15/02 at 08:24:27
[slm]

Does anyone know if the "step father" has the right to decide what is best for another man's child?....even if the child's father is out of the picture?

I know this is not a fatwa site, but just wondering if the mother has complete rights and say over her child? Has anyone ever encountered something similar to this?
Re: Input, please.
hijabi4L
10/15/02 at 21:14:18
[slm]
speaking from the point of view of someone who has been in public school all her life, i would say let your daughter choose which school system she prefers, give her guidance along the way, and give her time.  Insha'Allah she'll figure things out on her own, I know it took me a while but after I discovered the true beauty of Islam and hijab, I became more devoted because I deeply understood it...
Re: Input, please.
Nafisa
10/16/02 at 15:18:43
[slm]

I think your situation is very difficult and it must be heartbreaking to see the change in your daughter as she attends school but I think that you should ask her whether she prefers home or public school.  She might find the peer pressure a bit overwhelming which may explain her taking her hijab off but I feel it's important to make the decision by one's self.

I've seen cases where being made to wear hijab can backfire becos muslimahs dont understand the beauty of hijab and so they resent and hate it.  Take faith in Allah to guide her onto the right path and encourage her gently.  

it's a big bad world out there and she'll be exposed to it sometime so maybe it's best she experiences it now while you still have some influence over her behaviour.  Even when i didnt wear hijab at school i still had a strong muslim identity and i'm sure your daughter's the same so inshAllah that will carry her thru tough times.  

for me, being around non-muslims helped me to see what empty, vacuous, soulless lives they lead without Islam in their life so i knew what not to do!


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