Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 01/10/02 at 23:06:05 |
| [slm] I'm a member of this board, but I wanted to post anonymously about a certain dilemma that I'm going through at the moment. I have gotten to know a wonderful muslim guy over the past 4 years. We kept in touch through instant message and email and would see each other at different events throughout the years. We have talked about marriage and have talked about it with our parents. The problem is that his mother does not approve of me because I am not Syrian- I am Pakistani. What do we do now? I know that Islamically one should not discriminate on the basis of race and should look to piety instead, but Jannah does lie under the feet of the mother. He does not want to go against his mother's wishes but he hopes there is some way to pursue marriage with me. I have done istikhara and i haven't really seen any signs. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should i see his mom's refusal as a sign that the marriage is not meant to be? Should i try some other way of convincing her that i am worthy of marrying her son? Please help, jazakallah. [wlm] |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| bhaloo |
| 01/10/02 at 23:49:28 |
| slm This was a similiar question/answer related to this. Over the months, I have become an avid reader of your column. There is a great need for people such as you in this country. My question to you pertains to a situation that I am going through right now. It is related to a girl that I want to marry. I feel that this girl is probably the best girl that I have ever met, in terms of helping me to fulfill my duties as a Muslim. As a Muslim, I judged her in terms of her religion, her beauty, her family, and her wealth, and I chose her for her religion. The problem comes in when I discuss this with my parents. The girl is a Pakistani, and even from Karachi. She lives currently in America and she comes from a good family. My mother insists that the girl must be a "Bihari", which is an alien concept to me, to some extent. Also, there is a problem about her age. She is about a year older than I am. Dr. Siddiqi, I do not want to break any of Allah's commands and I would hate to disobey my parents. At the same time, I realize that Islam has given me and her some rights and that we have a duty to know them and to abide by them. Dr. Siddiqqi said: A 4. The parents are allowed in Islam to express their preferences and their wishes to their children when they select their marriage partners, but the parents should not impose their desires upon their children. The person, who is marrying, it is ultimately his or her approval that counts. The most important factor that must be considered in marriage is the religious character. If a boy or girl who is proposing for marriage, is of good Islamic character then this proposal should be seriously considered and accepted, regardless of other considerations of race, color, social and cultural backgrounds. The Prophet -peace be upon him- said, "If a person of good moral and religious character approaches you to marry your daughter, then accept his proposal, otherwise there will be trail and great corruption in the land." The same can be said about a woman. If a woman of good religious and moral character wants to marry a person of the same character, then help her get married, otherwise there will be great trail and corruption. Or if a man and woman of good moral character and religion want to marry each other, their relatives should not prevent them from getting married. There is nothing Haram in your mother's desire to get a younger "Bihari" bride for you. She has a right to express her feelings, but if you have found a good Muslimah and you want to marry her, then I suggest that your parents should accept your choice and should help you to marry the girl of your choice. I urge you not to disobey your parents, but I also want to remind your parents to fear Allah and should not misuse their authority. ;================================================ Maybe you could invite his mom over for some tea, samosas, and mithai with your mom. Or even be a little adventurous and cook something. :) (There's plenty of recipes in the Internation Kabob Folder here, WARNING: Results may vary with any recipe I posted on the board. :) )Try to become friends with her, also remember to act respectable and not too batameez or thaiz. Maybe contact Jannah, she's out in Syria and maybe can give you some cultural customs of the people of Syria. |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| destined |
| 01/11/02 at 01:46:03 |
| [slm] [quote]The problem is that his mother does not approve of me because I am not Syrian- I am Pakistani.[/quote] Well, Anonymous or should I say fellow madinite, haha. Anyways, if you found a good bro then I'd suggest you make some mad dua. Ask Allah the Most High, Possessor of the hearts, Turner of Hearts, to soften and turn her heart for He holds all our hearts in His Hand. And we should not underestimate the power of dua. That's all I got hope it helps inshaAllah.. |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| tq |
| 01/11/02 at 08:04:54 |
| Assalamo elikuim Sister Do you know Arabic ?Learning Arabic can be one way to win his mother’s heart. Language is important even though his mother might know English(I suppose that is the language you talk to her in ) ofcourse when at home, relaxing she wouldn’t want to translate everything. Also Inshallah if you marry this brother later at family/friends gatherings you will fit in and wont feel left out . Also it is the language of Quran :) I know it will take long time but start by learning few basic words/sentences and using them while talking to her (ofcourse do practice before :) ) Another thing could be make some Syrian dishes and ask her opnion or better ask her for the recipe (“I love the way you make ---- dish, how do you make it ?” ) By learning Arabic and Syrian dishes it might make her think that you are Syrian born to Pakistani parents :) Do istikhara may be if there is so much opposition it might be better to end before you develop more attachment to this brother . May Allah make it easy for you and let you decide whichever is better for you, Ameen. Wasalam Tamseel |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| mujaahid |
| 01/11/02 at 11:21:45 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum. Sister, my advice is this, if his mum will not accept you, because of nationality, then forget it. It isnt worth the heartache, or the friction it will cause. I have seen this many times, people who go through with it usually end up unhappy in the long run. Sister could you please send me an instant message? I have a lot to say about this and can offer a lot of advice. I know better than probably anyone on this board about this, and i honestly feel what i have to say could be VERY important to you, in fact i am 100% sure it is! |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| AyeshaZ |
| 01/11/02 at 20:22:44 |
Asalamu Alykum Wa RahmatuAllah, Alhamdullilah, i remember Sh.Abdallah Adhmi addressing this issue on one the gender relations seminar that I attended. And one of the things our beloved Shaikh emphasized was on,that marrying into another culture is not a cake walk (trust me he is 10000000 times better articulating this issue, I am paraphrasing what my lil brain picked up) so yeah, the fact that you are basically marrying the whole family. You have to be respectfull about every little thing, for example the cuisine etc etc... Also being very honest to yourself, that are you really ready for this commitment!!!! I remember couple of years ago in high school i would be sitting with one of my good friends and discussing this issue, she is syrian and i am pakistani and we would get into these fantansies of double marriage.. And she marrying a pakistani brother and vice versa. But Alhamdullilah she is married to an Awesome syrian brother:). Also i do feel that families should be given importance because parents truly are very important to all of us. And lastly, ask Allah(swt) for guidance , have you tried doing Salat-al-Isthikhara? ok inshaAllah May(swt) show you the right path and give you himah so you can make the right decision and truly Allah(swt) is the best of planners. Wallahu a'lam WaSalamz |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| akbalkhan |
| 01/13/02 at 11:42:37 |
| As Salamu Alayka Sr., I personally do not take the approach to marriage as one of marrying the family too. One of the best signs for whether or not the marriage could sink or swim could be based on how this guy is taking cues from his family for how he interacts with you. Is that the kind of thing that you can get used to? In my opinion, marrying the family is a cultural thing, and while it may narrow the options so as to provide the best candidate, it really is not full proof nor a prerequisite. I like people who think for themselves, while respecting their families wishes at the same time. Do you think that you can deal with the prospect that you may have to walk on taco shells (they break just as easy as egg shells) in the area of family? If not, take door #2 or wait. When my wife and I got married, I realized how difficult it can be to get along with my moms, so I took the view that she does not have to get along with her, or even pretend to like her. But at the same time she had to respect that I must pay visits and spend time with my moms, with or without her. Sometimes people can be so blind to how difficult it is to be with their family, and unknowingly make their family's impossible guidelines for partners their own. Sounds like you have to do a better job at protecting your feelings with this potentiate, and do your best to make sure you are going to be happy with his family, and not just if his family will be happy with you. Regards, Qamar Akbal Kaan |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 01/14/02 at 02:04:16 |
| [slm] It's me anonymous again :) Thanks for all the replies. I'll have to try that one about asking her about a recipie- I love middle eastern food and it would be fun to try and make it too. I am actually trying to learn arabic right now. I love languages and I'm having a great time learning it. School keeps me busy, so a little bit at a time. My mom has actually tried inviting their family over a few times whenever we had a dinner party, but they declined the invitation. So for the time being, i'll continue to make dua and let time take its course and see what happens. Jazakallah khair again for the advice. and if anyone else has anything to add, i'm still listening ;) [wlm] |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| se7en |
| 01/14/02 at 04:55:18 |
| as salaamu alaykum, You can check out another thread on this whole thing [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=brothers&action=display&num=5791]here[/url]. Let me tell you about an incident that I know about. I hope that I'm not sharing with you something that I shouldn't, but I think there are a lot of lessons that can be drawn from this experience. There's a brother and a sister I know that come from two *completely* ethnically different, but *extremely* cultural families. They are both very good Muslims, from what I know of them. They got to know and inevitably like each other, and they wanted to get married. When they brought the idea up with their respective families, they were absolutely refused. They continued to bring it up with their families for a little over a year, I think. The brother and sister grew closer in their relationship all the while they were doing this. They began to communicate more often, calling each other late at night to speak for hours, meeting up (always in public places of course) to spend time together, communicating a lot through email and instant messenger. The intensity of their feelings for each other increased the more they spoke, the more they shared, the more they confided in each other. Somewhere along the line, these two good Muslims became hopelessly, completely, emotionally attached to each other. Qadr Allah masha'a fa'al - things did not work out for them. Their parents would not allow their marriage to happen, and they did eventually break things off in their relationship, but it was very, very painful. I don't want to get into too many details, but this sister suffered so much. I'm sure the brother did as well. There was a short time where it seemed she was in a sort of state - days where she would just stare blankly at the walls of her room, refusing to eat, unable to sleep, just.. tormented. She told me, with her own lips, that she wanted to die because it just hurt too much. She and the brother, eventually, gradually, pulled themselves together and were able to move on. But the experience was very difficult, very painful, and it did leave its scars. Why am I telling you this story? Not to scare you, or make you feel bad. This is not your story, and I'm not saying that it will be. This is their story, and I brought it up because I think there are a lot of lessons that can be drawn from it. Emotions are potent. They really are. They can drive us to do things we would never think ourselves capable of, they can overwhelm us. That's why Allah, in His infinite mercy, has prescribed rules for the way we interact with each other. He knows our nature. He knows that our hearts naturally incline towards each other. He knows how little it takes for the seed of one long glance to blossom into something more. I say these rules are from His *mercy* because it is so painful to stifle these emotions once they have grown, and the laws of Islam, if followed, keeps these emotions from developing in the first place. My sister, you do not know your fate. Things may work out beautifully with this brother - but they may not. Because of that, it is very important that you guard your heart, and be vigilant with your feelings. It is very easy to get caught up in them, but if there was ever a situation where you both should be thinking rationally, this is it. My advice to you is, try to abide by the rules Allah has established between men and women, and try to stay emotionally distanced from this brother. Now that is easy as *heck* for me to say. But to do that - that is very, very difficult. The other thing I think can be learned from this story is about Qadr. The more I reflect on my past experiences, the more one lesson continues to reaffirm itself in my mind - that whatever Allah wills, will happen. We can fight with all of our being for something, want with everything we are for things to go a certain way - but if it is not written for us, it will not happen. And there will be times when the opposite is true - when Allah blesses us with something, has something good come our way, that seems to come out of nowhere. Such is the nature of the life of this world :) It is confusing, frustrating, challenging - but it is life :) And what we have to do as Muslims in these situations, is what we always have to do - submit. If Allah does not decree this thing for you, it will hurt, I know it. But it is a test of tawakkul, of your reliance on Allah. It is a test of whether you will give up, ask 'why me', and get angry - or if you will acknowledge that Allah knows what you do not know, that what you want only occurs if it is in line with what Allah wants, and that this, like everything in life, is a challenge that will only make you stronger. It's hard, yes. That's why it's called jihad :) I'm just saying this to try to give you some perspective. I don't *ever* want to see another sister (or brother) go through what that sister had to go through. InshaAllah, if this is what's best for both of you, things will work out :) It'll just take some time and patience. Just remember that Allah is with those that are patient. May Allah purify us, guide us, grant us strength and sabr, and grant us spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes :) wAllahu a'lam. take care sis. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah. |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| Hajreee |
| 01/14/02 at 10:05:28 |
| Salaams Did you do istikharaa?! because i actually know alot of people who their parents won't agree to the marriage for some reason or another, but if their istikharaa is good on BOTH sides, they will usually continue struggling to let it happen, and in the end, it happens by the will and grace of Allah (swt) i would say you should do istikharaa and if you have a good sign, i guess continue with trying to win over his mother, but if you really don't get a good sign, then it might an emotional waste and you should try to end it, before you suffer like that girl and boy in se7en's story...and trust me, i know it's easier said than done, but it's all good =) either way- inshaAllah whatever's best will happen :) if he's meant to be for you, then you will win him over and his mother ;) Good Luck with it all! Take Care Wasalaams |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| bhaloo |
| 01/14/02 at 10:59:28 |
| slm The story Se7en related is all too common, I have seen it so many times, and some cases have been so bad, that its left me numb wondering how these people ended up in such a situation, where they have sacrficed their akhira for this dunya, by not preforming ANY of the religious obligations because they were so emotionally involved in this. |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| Anik |
| 01/14/02 at 12:30:12 |
| asalmau alaikum, Well, I guess I know how this situation is... my wife is in exactly your situation in terms of getting the favour of my mom, but I realized that the two different cultures, similar as they may be, are very hard to compromise if ethnocentricity is an issue. One thing I found is essential for this type of marriage to gel: Either have the detachement to stay apart from this brother and slowly see if your parents give in while you wait. problem is, fitnah can occur and that's bad. Or Have the guts and be a bit cold of heart and when and if you both become married, lay down the law that people will respect your marriage or else. Simple. It just takes firmness of mind. If you or he is easily swayed by his emotions, then there's a problem. You can't always play the ball in both courts. Mothers are very often protective and possessive even though they mean the best. Islam does not condone any form of ethnocentricism as far as I know. To tell you to conform to cutlural stereotypes is wrong to me. This is the cancer within Islam as far as I can see, and breaking down that barrier occurs with us now. Then again, if you or he is not ready for a) emotional detachment (but still contact) with any hindering parents or b) a lot of hardship, feeling of lonliness, family abandonment, disappointment, feeling like your spouse loves his mother more than you, future "grandparent" problems, YOU being totally criticized and heckled, people trying to break up your marriage, and community stigmatization, then I would suggest stopping this "relationship" dead in its tracks. People will tell you don't do it, look at the bad stories, simple. Other people will tell you, go sister go, stand up for multiculturalism and fight the battle! love wins! Marry him!!!!! And I think you should listen to what you think Allah SWT would want, make dua, learn about disaster AND success stories, understand the sacrifices, and make a wise and calculated decision. The boy's mother-in-law is very often the toughest one to win over. I call those types *Mother Bear's* since they pretty much go to any extreme to protect their son's interests. Its all good, they mean the best. But they don't change opinions very soon. Don't forget your Islam and his throughout this. Don't lose respect for your parents at any time, or his. Don't be one of those "I hate the in-laws" types. Some way to get to her: 1) be very submissive, quiet, respectful, polite. Let him do the major moves otherwise to *Mothr Bear*, some other girl is trying to take her *cub* away. 2) Try to be as Islamic as possible in ALL your actions. Maintain adaab of meeting him and his family. That way, your homesafe if something doesn't work out. 3) Good aforementioned advice: If it seems liek there's a shot, learn his culture up a bit. 4) Offer to sit down and meet with her, communicate with his sisters. 5) Don't appear to strong or prevalent I think... don't make it look like you are advaning on her *cub* or the family... these things take time Just see from now whether this is all worth it and if you got what it takes to pick up the scraps in your life after a possibly broken marriage or relationship. Try to forecast what will happen, and end it quickly if possible. aslaamu alaikum. abdullah,. p.s. I just closed my eyes and typed, I wonder if this is all coherent. |
| just do it.. |
|---|
| princess |
| 01/14/02 at 14:03:17 |
| walikumas'salaam warahmatullah ;-D 1stly, i'd like to commend u for what u're going through :) u seem to have a lot of sab'r, mashAllah :) that rocks :) 1 can never have enough of that :) especially in a situation like this..i have a friend who went through this..and well..it sorta ended up like se7en's story..blah :) 2ndly, i say just get married :) if u're down, he's down, it's all good :) yes, i know, we're suppose to plz our parents, lekin, if there's nothing wrong with the relationship islamically, (isn't that an oxymoron? ;)) then i say go for it :) u guys r hurting urselfs, by [i]not[/i] being married..more power to u guys ;-D doing istikhara, i don't think would work in ur situation..:) mainly because u already know that u want to marry this person..it's not somathing u're unsure about it..:) istikhara is done when u r uncertain :) this is my humble opinion..and yes, u can disagree with it..i won't mind ;) |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| Hajreee |
| 01/14/02 at 14:39:53 |
| Salaams hehe, yes i disagree princess :), in a polite way, of course ;) because sometimes what you want isn't what is exactly right for you and you need istikharaa so you can put your trust in Allah and the rest is upto Him and He will do what's right, inshaAllah...i don't think it should just be used for when you're uncertain about something...and marriage is a big deal, this is who you are going to spend your whole life with, inshaAllah, this person is now becoming part of you and you part of them and if you messed up because you 'wanted' it but it wasn't right, then you're stuck and there's no way out! just my two cents =) Wasalaams |
| hota hai.. |
|---|
| princess |
| 01/14/02 at 14:49:11 |
| walikumas'salaam warahmatullah ;-D [quote]hehe, yes i disagree princess :), in a polite way, of course ;)[/quote] it's all good man :) i ain't a hater :) [quote]sometimes what you want isn't what is exactly right for you and you need istikharaa so you can put your trust in Allah [/quote] but she [i]knows[/i] she wants to get with this boy :) [i]and[/i] she's done istikhara ;) [quote]i don't think it should just be used for when you're uncertain about something...[/quote] it's best [i]not[/i] to do istikhara..if u know [i]already[/i] know what u want to do..:) i think i'm repeating myself..:) but i still say just do it ;-D |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| Hajreee |
| 01/14/02 at 15:08:46 |
| Salaams it's all good, inshaAllah whatever's best will happen :) Good Luck with it all sistah, and i pray it goes A OK! and princess- yes, you were repeating yourself, i don't think making the words italics made any difference ;) hehehe ayte, take care everyone Wasalaams |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| BrKhalid |
| 01/16/02 at 10:33:30 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]Emotions are potent. They really are. They can drive us to do things we would never think ourselves capable of, they can overwhelm us. That's why Allah, in His infinite mercy, has prescribed rules for the way we interact with each other. He knows our nature. He knows that our hearts naturally incline towards each other. He knows how little it takes for the seed of one long glance to blossom into something more. I say these rules are from His *mercy* because it is so painful to stifle these emotions once they have grown, and the laws of Islam, if followed, keeps these emotions from developing in the first place.[/quote] I just thought the above was worth mentioning again. Another thing to add is that hindsight is a wonderful thing when it comes to judging what people have done. It's not much use to the person, however, when they actually have to deal with the situation. Hence, why we place our reliance on Allah, because He *does* now what is going to happen in the future and has given us guidelines on how to act now. |
| Re: How do I win over his mom's heart? |
|---|
| bhaloo |
| 01/17/02 at 23:37:21 |
| slm Along the same lines as emotions and getting caught up in it and avoiding it, Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya said: "If the 'soul commanding' to evil does not respond, then let him abandon his aim for one of two motives: either out of fear, or by (considering) the loss of a beloved whom he loves more and who is more useful and better for him, and can bring more lasting pleasure and happiness. When the intelligent person compares the attainment of a beloved who will swiftly pass away with the loss of a loved one who is greater and more lasting, more useful and more pleasant, the disparity appears clearly to him. So do not sell the pleasure of eternity, which has no risk attached, for the pleasure of an hour, which is turned into pain and which in reality is no more than dreams, or fleeting imagination. Pleasure passes, the result remains; desire ceases, and misery remains. |
Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.The rest © Jannah.Org |