Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’

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Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
siraat
01/16/02 at 18:13:32
Asalam Aleykum..

You’re an American born and raised Arab/Desi. Would you marry someone born and raised in the Middle East/South Asia? I know the deen is the most important, the foundation, so … (another question): would it be haram to refuse someone of great deen/character, etc. on that basis? Is it so bad not to want to marry someone because they’re gonna look at you with raised eyebrows when you crack a joke about hot lunch at school, Abe Lincoln, and…. Santa’s elves? Or, a bit more significant, they’re just not gonna understand what you mean when you’re trying to explain to them what you mean. You have to explain what you mean when you explained what you meant when you explained what you meant, when, when. And aside from the language barrier, the whole culture difference. They have more things in common with your mom and dad than they do with you. Would you? Wouldn’t you? h.e.l.p!

I’d really, really appreciate an answer to this and (as I am sure this has probably been discussed before), links to threads pertaining to this topic if possible.

baraka Allah feekum.
NS
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
Abd_Allah
01/17/02 at 00:14:18
The problem a lot of people who are born and raised in the US (including myself) face is their parents are very very culture oriented. THey feel that their madhab is the most important thing to their identity. Hanafi marrying a shafai is trouble trouble. If you dont encounter this problem then count your blessings. Salaamz

Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
kiwi25
01/17/02 at 00:44:49
salam,

siraat, i know exaclty what your feeling!! its being in a state of such confusion ???

this piece of advice goes to me as well :)

why dont you make salatul istikarah....?
see what Allah(SWT) has planned good or bad for you

wasalam
nouha:)
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
Anik
01/17/02 at 02:23:58
asalamau alaikum,

oh here we go... :)

gimme some time lol. asalamu alaikum. abdullah,.


P.S.  YEAAAAAH BRO/SIS, I WOULD!
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
Hania
01/17/02 at 05:03:36
wa'laikum wassalam Siraat (I like your name :))

This sounds like a case of 'foreign arranged marriage', where you are bringing your husband/wife who has been born and bought up abroad, to America. Your parents absolutely adore the person and have a lot in common with them, but you feel you have nothing in common and are only going along with it to make your parents happy.

If I only had a 5 minute meeting and exchange of pictures with them, then I'd be pretty cautious. If I actually got to know what their character was like, who they were as a person then I'd feel less anxious(sometimes all we know about the person is their job, family status,wealth). If I found we had things in common,got on well, then I'd go for it! Some pple raised in Middle East/South Asia are more modern, and have better jokes than pple raised in the West :)

I think the main problem that will be faced is homesickness. If you marry someone from abroad and they leave their whole family, friends, life and culture to be with you, then there's gonna be sacrifices made. I could only leave my family and fiends to be with someone I really want to marry.

Saying yes to a marriage to make you parents happy is a very noble thing to do. But at the end of the day its you who has to marry this person, not your parents, so make sure you are happy too.

Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
eleanor
01/18/02 at 06:01:33
slm

Well, from personal experience I find it frustrating and often annoying that my husband and I didn't have a similar upbringing. He doesn't know stuff like you mentioned, Santa's elves and other cultural stuff. But then it's a great feeling when we discover that we *do* have things in common, or know about the same stuff.

The advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. We have learned a great deal from each other. He has taught me a tremendous amount about Islam, culture of his country, cooking, politics, foreign affairs etc etc. I have taught him how to use a computer, how to swim, how to drive and loads of names/information about famous people, films, songs.. loads of stuff, I could go on and on.

We both speak german as a second language. so we're on equal ground in our conversations (although I know a good bit more than him at this stage), and we have both met each other's parents and were received and accepted as a couple by both.

So although it was a bit hard at the start, and it took time to find our common ground and build on it, I can only say that it has definitely been a worthwhile challenge to marry "foreign".

Take care, Insha Allah. And make sure you marry for *your* sake and not anyone else's.

wasalaam
eleanor
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
se7en
01/20/02 at 05:19:07
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah,

[quote]Would you? Wouldn’t you? [/quote]

Lemme confess some things here.. to be honest with you, I don't think I would, unless his name began with shaykh or mujahid or something :)

The reason I say this is because most men, as far as I've seen, that grew up in the Arab/South Asian world have a certain perspective on women, their rights, and their restrictions, that do not appeal to me as a US born and raised :-).  Your environment growing up really shapes your understanding of what is proper and improper, appropriate and inappropriate for a wife.  I really don't think I could deal with a bro that thinks his wife should not attend masjid, not question a word he says, not go out on her own or continue her education, etc etc when these are things I think I have a right to do.  

Gheera is another issue for me here.  (Gheera is really difficult to translate.  It's usually translated as 'justifiable jealousy'.  It's a sort of protective feeling, in this context one a man has for a woman.)  I think it is a beautiful concept.. but not when it is abused and taken to extremes, which seems to happen quite a bit in arab/desi men.  (And latino men, from what I've heard about machismo)

Here's an example.  I know a sister who went to pick up her younger sis from school.  While she was there, this boy came up to her and said "you're so beautiful", or something like that.  Thinking this was cute, the sister told her husband about it.. and he became *very* upset.  He forbade her from ever returning to that school again.

Now *that* is really something I fear.  And this sort of behavior seems to be more prevalent in bro's who grew up "back home".

Anyway.. all this is why my friends say I'm going to marry a brother named bob - ie a convert because I can't handle the cultural baggage. :)

Allahu a'lam :)

wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah.
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
Hania
01/20/02 at 08:26:53
slm

If the shoe was put on the other foot, I wonder what a man who grew up in the East, would say about 'most' sister's who grew up in the West....? My guess would be 'oh they 'all' have boyfriends, drink, smoke and wear mini skirts!'

wa'salam
Hania.

p.s. If my future husband came home and said some lady said he was beautiful, I'd lock him up and hide him, he's mine! ;)
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ?Foreign?
se7en
01/20/02 at 14:07:21


wa alaykum as salaam wrt,

You're right, sweeping generalizations on my part.  just being honest though :)

wasalaam

ps - if a 12 year old girl said that to your hubby, somehow I don't think you'd be that upset :)
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ?Foreign?
Hania
01/20/02 at 14:45:54
[quote]
ps - if a 12 year old girl said that to your hubby, somehow I don't think you'd be that upset :)[/quote]

:) okay maybe I wouldn't be that upset, but if he was really handsome I'd buy him some bottle thick glasses that magnify his eyes 100x, and make him wear them when I am not with him. Also I'd make him style his hair with a middle parting, wear a lime green bogey v-neck tanktop, brown polyester pants and brown shoes :D That will keep 'em away!
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ?Foreign?
Anik
01/21/02 at 03:25:22

[quote]Also I'd make him style his hair with a middle parting...That will keep 'em away!
[/quote]

Isn't that a sunnah? lol asalamu alaikum. abdullah,.
eh..
princess
01/21/02 at 10:43:47
walikumas'salaam warahmatullah ;-D

1 of my friends just came back from india..(after meeting his fiancee :)) and he was really surprised @ how liberal her upbringing was :o and he was shocked to find her parents so nonchalant about certain things..he didn't know if continuing a relationship like so, was good for him, or his future childern :( i still think he's thinking twice about this..:(
Re: Advice Request: Marrying Someone ‘Foreign’
MentallectCom
01/23/02 at 01:21:19
My only advice on this issue is, if his positive attributes can outweigh that problem and you are both willing to at least ATTEMPT to understand each others culture, then its worth it.

This may seem like an insignificant thing to complain about but in reality, in all practicality, it starts to wear on you and could cause even subconscious separation between you and your spouse. And that is a crippling problem in a marriage and could ultimately doom it.

Take the problem and make it a challenge or project for both of you. Go through books or museums that would familiarize yourselves with the others culture. Talk a lot, be natural. Crack a culturally biased joke, and then explain it. Its cool to be able to make reference to the joke and your husband finally gets it. And even funnier when he makes reference himself.


I have some pretty close experience on this matter.


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