Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Need Advice Please |
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| sis_malak |
| 01/17/02 at 06:03:22 |
| Asalaam alaikum brothers and sisters. Let me explain a little before I ask this question. I converted to Islam about 3 years ago. (alhamdulillah) My sister, who is 25, (I am 20), converted 4 months ago. When she converted, she was involved with a Pakistani brother who was way off on his faith. With my help, she realized that he was not good for her, and that the other guy who was interested in her, who was a very good Muslim,mashallah, was much better. But her head got a little big when she heard from our "mama", who is our wali's wife, that a lot of men at the masjid were asking about her, so even though she was already planning with Saeed for him to come ask for her, she asked to meet one of the men. (Mama didn't know about Saeed really) So, 6 days ago, she met Muhammad. Tomorrow, she will marry him. Everyone that cares about her (especially me) has been begging her to slow down, but she won't even talk to us. There is a very long story around this, but Daddy is not the wali anymore because Muhammad went behind his back and tried to meet with my sister at his friend's house without telling Daddy, and so now the sheikh is the wali. But the sheikh is also Muhammad's friend. So my sister has barely spoken to me all week because I keep advising her to slow down and get to know him more. This morning mama called me to tell me that she received a phone call last night from a good friend of Muhammad's ex wife. This woman was calling her because she knew that my sister was going to marry Muhammad, and wanted to warn her that the reason the the ex wife left him was because he hit her. And even worse, the sheikh knows this! And now, my sister does to, but she doesn't seem to care. She will still marry him tomorrow. And I don't know what to do. I have not been eating or sleeping because I have been so worried and upset. This is the whole situation. Any advice for me on what to do? It's probably too late to change her mind, but maybe advice for me on how to deal with it would be good. Thanks for listening, Sis Malak |
| Re: Need Advice Please |
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| M.F. |
| 01/17/02 at 13:15:17 |
| Assalamu alaikum, First of all; let her know that it doesn't work that way. She can't just choose a wali. You father is still her wali and he needs to give his approval before she can marry him. She can only have another wali if there's no father, brother, uncle, grandfather etc... only then can the sheikh be a wali. Secondly, I'd say don't let her go out of the house, literally. Your dad needs to be really strong with her. Don't beg her anymore! Also, someone talk to that "sheikh" and tell him to stay out, and tell him he should be ashamed of himself not telling people that the guy's a wife beater (if you can verify that that's true of course). May Allah help you and guide us all. Ameen |
| Re: Need Advice Please |
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| akbalkhan |
| 01/17/02 at 15:13:04 |
| Wa Lakum As Salam, This seems kind of similar to another thread that went awry, where a brother declined a nikah based upon the girls' wearing a hijab. We reached a rather satisfactory conclusion that without all the facts, and some times even then, we cannot just write off this brother as a wife beater, and present that rumor or allegation as a basis to refuse nikah with a man. Given ahadith and tradition, we can have a discussion on what are the rulings of im/permissability of 'hitting' the wife, and the circumstances that might allow for this, but we can all agree that 'beating' the wife or anyone is not encouraged and of course fear of cruelty is grounds for a divorce and refusing a nikah. Taking notes on a an ex-husband from the friends of a ex-wife is not such a great idea in the first place. She is 25, and old enough to make her own mistakes or take heed from you or your family. Out of your concern for her, you should be happy for her and support her. If you distance yourself from her by showing open disapproval of her decisions then you will cancel yourself out of the equation of making sure this guy is cool and does treat her well. Do not put your opinion or the opinion of others before your sisters happiness, instead try to help her through this with letting her know that you will love and support her no matter her decision, and the importance of remaining close to the family despite being married. I think it is horrible the way people allow families to be torn apart on account of the differing opinions on who is the best candidate or who is a poor one. It only discourages young people from coming clean with their decisions and actions to their parents, and increases the likelihood of lines of communication being shut down and irreparably harmed. Forcing someone to not marry another person, because of opinions, rumors, or differing opinions among scholars, is just as bad as forcing someone to marry another person. |
| Re: Need Advice Please |
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| MuslimaKanadiyya |
| 01/17/02 at 16:40:35 |
| [slm] From what I understand, a Muslim woman's father cannot act as her wali unless he is also Muslim. (Imagine the problems that the sahaba would have had if this were not the case :)) Since both Malak and her sister converted to Islam, I think that it is okay for the sheikh to act as wali. I do agree with brother Qamar Akbal Khan that you shouldn't base your entire opinion of your brother-in-law on heresay, Malak; however, I do think that both you and your sister should be cautious in your dealings with him until you know him better (like you would be with any unfamiliar man). The only advice I can give you, is that unless you are able to convince your sister not to go through with the marriage until she knows her fiance better, you should be there to support her if problems do arise. The worst thing that you could do is leave her alone if her husband is actually abusive. Until such a situation occurs (in sha'a allah it won't) be kind to both of them and make du'a that the marriage will be a happy one. [wlm] Leslie |
| Re: Need Advice Please |
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| se7en |
| 01/20/02 at 00:20:10 |
bismillah as salaamu alaykum, There's actually a text in which a woman came to Rasulullah [saw] and asked for his opinion about two men that sought her for marriage. From what I remember, basically, he [saw] told her that one was cheap, and that the other beat the women in his household. This text teaches us some different things. One, that if a person comes to you and asks your opinion about a prospective spouse, you need to be brutally honest about that individual, and doing so is not in any way considered gheebah. This also teaches us the importance of enquiring about a persons past, history, reputation, character, etc and in particular temper. This is a right that Allah has given you, as a protection and a precaution. I find it so incredible that this sister did not go through this process, as this leaves her in an extremely vulnerable state. Also, a wali should *not* have a vested interest in the sisters marriage to a particular brother. The wali is to look out for the best interest of the *sister* above and before anyone else. If he does not do this, he is not fulfilling his duties properly and he is literally *incompetent* as a wali. It seems, from what you've told us, Sister Malak, that your sister is not really thinking rationally about the situation. But there's only so much you can do in terms of naseeha and advising her. It is ultimately up to her to make these decisions in her life. I'd go with sister Leslie's advice on this. May Allah guide us all to make the best decisions in terms of our deen, our livlihood, and our lives. wAllahu a'lam. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah. |
| Re: Need Advice Please |
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| sis_malak |
| 01/20/02 at 01:20:46 |
| Asalaam alaikum, I want to thank you all for the advice. My sister did in fact marry him, and I went to the wedding. All I can say now is Inshallah everything will be good and he will never hurt her. Allahu alim, right? And also I wanted to clarify that Daddy is not our father. Our father died when she was only 4 1/2 and I was not yet born. We just call him Daddy and his wife Mama because we are so close with their family and they treat us as their own daughters. The only reason that he cared so much was just that-he only wants the best things for us. Again, thanks for the advice. Salaam, Malak |
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