Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| haleema |
| 01/24/02 at 08:17:03 |
| salam alaykum i was wondering what type of questions i should asked a brother, who i am going to have a meeting with later this year to see if we should get married.. He is from an Arab contry and is living and working there at the moment. he wants to marry someone from this country because he says he wants to study here as well as be with his family, that are here. while most of his relatives are in his own contry. his family said that he was unable to continue his studies for some particular reason, i think he meant he wanted to learn more about islam. i met him via his relatives in this country, who have tried their best to convince me it is not a visa thing. they seem pious, they pray , they do not watch programs of an obsence nature, etc but my friends have told me to be cautious, so i want to be sure the brother is genuine. so what can i ask him to find out? please submit any suggestions |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| mujaahid |
| 01/24/02 at 08:21:45 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum Dont wanna judge, but be careful sister, this does seem like a visa thing. < he wants to marry someone from this country because he says he wants to study here as well> I think that says it all. <but my friends have told me to be cautious> I think they are right to say this to you. <so what can i ask him to find out?> Difficult Question, i know some sisters have seen this type of thing before, so maybe they will be in a better position than myself to give you advice. But be careful about it, if he wants to marry you for reasons such as it allowing him to study here, do you really want someone to marry you for such a reason? Wasalaam |
| to polite warrior |
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| haleema |
| 01/24/02 at 09:14:14 |
| hmmmm i see your point, but i dont know how to get out of this. part of me thinks it is a visa thing, while the other half thinks it could be for the deen. cos his brother in law said the last time he spoke to him, the bro said he wants to get married because he feels afraid for his deen if he does not. whenever he writes he says that i should make du'a to Allah yo make it easy for us. his family told me reports on him that he is on the deen, and he asked them 2 find a sis for him who is on deen. i guess i would feel bad to walk away from this, because his family is nice, and he seems nice, and i dont want to hurt his or his family feelings. i suppose if i had other options it would be easier but i dont at the moment. insha'Allah all will work out for the best. salam alaykum p.s im still open 2 more suggestions |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| Kathy |
| 01/24/02 at 09:29:35 |
| slm I guess you can never know for sure. My first husband left 6 months after getting his green card and his degree. My second husband needed a green card for the same reasons you posted above- and I am still "stuck" with him :) for almost 10 years! When you meet him tell him all the horror stories you have heard and that unfortuately you are concerned. Tell him that if you get married- you want everything in your name cars, housing etc- except the bills in your name. Funny- my first husband insisted on seperate bank accounts- everything in his name- but let me keep creditcards in mine ( yep- I got all the bills!) Second husband had no problem with my asking this- apparently he knew he was in for the long haul! I have alot to say on this and have in the past. I am sure se7en will step in and give you some links from this message board! |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| tq |
| 01/24/02 at 09:36:56 |
| Assalamo elikuim I think Sister you should do istikhara and see how things go. Now my personal opnion (you don’t have to agree with it ), this doesn’t seem like that the guy is only marrying you for visa, because his whole family is involved which shows that the marriage is not going to be something temporary and you yourself mentioned that the guy and his whole family is religiuous and the most important thing is that the guy said that he wanted somebody with deen and he was honest enough to say that since he want ot study also visa to that country would be good to. I don’t think there is anything wrong in it. There are many people who will hide the fact that they are marrying for visa only with the intention of temporary marriage. But this guy’s intentions are clear right from the beginning and there is nothing wrong if you can help your (future)spouse also, granted that was not the only thing.The most important thing is deen of the guy and his sincerety. If you both have same ideas, way of thinking , same priorities in life then don’t let this small thing “ visa” get in your way. But as I said before do istikhara. May Allah help you make the best decision, Ameen Wasalam Tamseel |
| Re: to polite warrior |
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| Hania |
| 01/24/02 at 09:47:01 |
[quote]hmmmm i see your point, but i dont know how to get out of this. [/quote] Oh dear, it really sounds like you don't want to marry him. Were you the sister that posted anonymously before? If you were, you sounded really down because of the situation. I think you know deep down you don't want to marry him, and you are looking for a 'polite' way to tell your parents you don't want this man. You could ask the brother how he intends on financially supporting himself and a wife when he comes over. If he intends on studying, who is going to support you guys while he goes to school? Moreover who is going to pay for his school fees? Maybe you could argue that you prefer a brother who already has a job in the present country you are in because it can be difficult for someone from abroad to find work. Also maybe if you went to the mosque or by other means, and tried to find a suitable husband that you like and your parents approve of,your parents may not be so eager for you to marry this guy. Perhaps they are eager because they are unable to find a suitable proposal in the country you are in, thus they have looked back home. Hania. |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| se7en |
| 01/24/02 at 10:03:36 |
as salaaamu alaykum, Man, I wish I had some advice for you sis. It would be a lot easier to figure him out if he insisted that your marriage has nothing to do with moving to this country. (You would just psych him out by saying that you'd like to consider moving to *his* country, and then observe his response.) But in this case, he's told you honestly that part of the reason he'd like to marry you is to study here. He definitely gets bonus points for being honest with you about that, but I'd still be *very* wary about this whole thing. Here are some links to some discussions we've had in the past on general questions to ask a prospective spouse: [*][url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=1742]Marriage Questions[/url] -- a list of questions you might want to ask your potential spouse [*][url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=madrasa&action=display&num=2620&start=0]Please Help, if you can[/url] -- some brothers reactions to being asked such questions [*][url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=1248&start=0]Questions to Ask Future Husband?[/url] -- some more questions, some more reactions, and an argument take care and may Allah guide you to the best decisions wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah |
| Re: to polite warrior |
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| M.F. |
| 01/24/02 at 10:17:37 |
[quote] i guess i would feel bad to walk away from this, because his family is nice, and he seems nice, and i dont want to hurt his or his family feelings. [/quote] Please please!! Don't feel obliged to marry someone just because you don't want to hurt his or his family's feelings!!! You don't have to have an excuse or another option!! This is marriage you're talking about! A big part of your life!! I'm not saying walk away from it, but take the time to know what you're getting into, to meet the people who know him and to ask about him. Just because family's involved doesn't mean it's not a visa thing. Allahu a'lam. The reasons they gave: "he wants to marry someone from this country because he says he wants to study here as well as be with his family, that are here" sounds like he wants to marry someone in order to be in the US. Find out what it was that made him unable to continue his studies. Go slowly about this, don't get any more involved than you have to (emotionally and otherwise) and DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED to do anything! You don't owe them just because they seem nice! |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| mujaahid |
| 01/24/02 at 12:53:45 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum <i guess i would feel bad to walk away from this, because his family is nice, and he seems nice, and i dont want to hurt his or his family feelings> Whoa!!! Hold it their Haleema!!! You may go through with this because you dont wanna hurt HIS families feelings? That is wrong sis, plain and simple! Sister think about this. You are you own person, this is islaam, you have a right to marry who you like, you have a right to decide who you wanna spend your life with. Please do not think the way you are! It is plain and wrong for you to feel guilty about hurting his family! This is your future, its your decision, make it for you, NOT to keep someone else happy! If you decide no, and his family are upset, then so be it! They will find someone else, and you will find someone else! But to go through with a marriage because you dont wanna hurt someones feelings is marrying someone for COMPLETELY the wrong reasosns, and sadly only leads to misery! Take sister Kathy's advice, she has lived through this! How many people will you get to speak to who have lived through what you may be able to avoid? This is your entire life your talking about. Do you really wanna look at your husband day in day out, and think "he only married me because i was his ticket to this country"? If you are having doubts, then walk away. Once your involved (married) its gona near impossible, and you may end up living in misery for years. Do what YOU want. Forget EVERYONE. This is your decision, base it on yourself. Ask yourself, why does he wanna marry you, is it your character, personality (how would he know this if he dont even know you?) Then ask yourself, if he dont know me, why are his family intent on me marrying him? His education in this country seems a big part of his wanting to marry you. This decision will change your life. Think over it, and make it only for yourself, not for anyone else. |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| Hajreee |
| 01/24/02 at 12:58:03 |
| Salaams okee, before even thinking about if you want this or not and all these doubts arise even more.... DO ISTIKHARAA!! okee, that was my advice...just do istikharaa about this dude and inshaAllah Allah will help you out and guide you :) good luck...Wasalaams :) |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| BroHanif |
| 01/24/02 at 13:21:05 |
| Aww, Some suggestions Istikhara, both you and him Dua. Ask him what his future plans are. What he intends to do, how you wanna live together etc etc. Are you two gonna study together or you gonna be the bread winner for the family. How does he intend to make you grow in Islam as well ? How does he treat his own family right now ? How does he see you ? From your recent conversations does he see you as a green card opportunity or as a partner who he can Islamicly love and be loved by ? Do you think he'd be able to live in student poverty and hardship ? [quote]insha'Allah all will work out for the best. [/quote] It always does. Salaams Hanif |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| haleema |
| 01/28/02 at 05:47:28 |
| salam alaykum thank you sisters for trying to help me your suggestions were helpful insha'allah everything will work out for the best |
| Re: what questions should i ask a mightbe husband? |
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| alzinjibar |
| 01/28/02 at 12:44:44 |
| Bismillah wa salatu wa salam ala'a Rasul Karim, Salam alaykum , <<He meant he wanted to learn more about Islam >> With all due respect, he wanted to learn more about Islam in the States ?? Mmm I’m Arab dear sister, and I know for a fact that the majority of our brothers from the Arab world, have a certain view of the role of a wife, the dynamic between husband and wife is different then for someone who either grew up in the western hemisphere or who has been there for some time. <<The bro said he wants to get married because he feels afraid for his deen if he does not>> Almost all the Arab bro in the Arab country will prefer to marry someone from the own background, etc.... and those who are living in the west and who are “practicing”, most of them will prefer that, unless they come across someone they share many core values, or a pious sister, who is really special, to a point where the bro, knows and have seen the sister over a period of time practicing, attending halaqa, trying her best to practice what she learns and passing it to others. I’m ready to bet a year’s paycheck on that. If we were to take a survey among the brothers, in the West, - if you were to get married, would u prefer someone from here or "back home"? The overwhelming result will be back home. This is a known fact. To the point that it has become a major issue because many brothers go back home , while good , practicing sisters are available and would love to get married but can’t find a suitable brother , or he’s already married or engaged to someone back home. - <<He is on the deen, and he asked them 2 find a sis for him who is on deen>> That's a plus plus, because the majority of "players" or paper marriages, wont go for a deen type of sister. To be frank that's the last thing on their mind. << I guess I would feel bad to walk away from this, because his family is nice, and he seems nice, and I don’t want to hurt his or his family feelings.>> Dear sister, I understand your point but they may be wonderful people, mash’ Allah, however you have to look what's in it for you, for you are seeking your happiness, you are about to embark on a quest for happiness which will lead to the Abode of endless happiness. Your happiness comes first and foremost Another issue is yes both of you might be very much deen oriented Mash’ Allah wa baraka'Allah feek, wa Allah yazidkum, but there is a strong issue of compatibility, I know this for a fact, in many instances, you'll have two wonderful people, practicing muslims, mash’ Allah, but their understanding, approach, and view in life are different. Remember in marriage you are bound to have problems, which will lead to major problems which can lead to divorce if not worst. That is a given and as such , as a bro of mine puts it, try to find someone with whom you minimize the areas of disagreements. Because when you'll reach that point, you'll have common ground of discussion and discourse, a common denominator to help you solve your differences, learn from them and move on to higher grounds. Here is a classic ex: imagine a brother with a big beard, a way above the ankle length tawb, always serious looking, where things are either black or white, where it's always this is haram, this is halal type of brother. On the other end, you have a sister of middle manors, gentle, compassionate, who will try to spend time doing some activities for her community. They both practice but yet you have a definite ground for pulling and pushing, coercing, which can lead to resentment and bad feelings or worst. The ideal is to know him, his character, way of thinking, priorities in life, how does he go about prioritizing his life, what are the major issues in his life, how he plan to lead his life, what Deen represent to him, how he define it, how he practice it and how he plan to grow in it. And if you can, don’t go through a third party, for one will or might “water it” down or shade that thought to suit and adjust it to each party involved. Because dear to study fulltime or part time and work full/part-time to maintain your family is demanding and depending in which field he's in. The amount of time spend there and effort required is enormous, that leave’s little time and effort for the family and din, unless both are going through the same thing, and understand that they are sacrificing something for something else. Especially for someone new in a totally different country, where everything is new, including being in a new relationship. To all the bro and sister who will read this and are concerned for the worries of their sister, if you can tonight pray 2 rakat of salat al hajah and make your niya and supplications to Him for tawfiq for our sister, for it might be that He(swt) will bless the dua of one of us toward what's khayr for our sister, and the least we could do is just make a dua with sincerity and khushu'. Jazak'Allah khayran in advance for such. The reason I’m saying that is because I’ve seen to many cases of sorrow and grief, to many cases of our sisters, mothers, aunts being victims, either of their families, circumstances, surrounding, which all goes back to ignorance, and how can we be successful here if we don’t have mothers successful in building that Islamic household of peace, because they have husbands who are not supportive or ignorant of their roles. But we can say it all, day in day out, the bottom line is keep on praying istikhara and put all your heart into it. For what is meant to happen will happen even if the whole world was to try to prevent it, "No slave of Allah will truly believe until he believe in Al Qadar, it's good and bad, from Allah and until he knows that what has befallen him was not going to pass him by, and that what has passed him by was not going to befall him" At Tirmidhi 1743 May He(swt) bless your heart and Pave your path with ease and wisdom, May He remove the veils of uncertainty and the fear of the unknown, May He increase you in Tawakul and protect you from the known as well as the unknown, from the apparent and the hidden, from being tripped and trip and bless your soul with sakinah(tranquility). |
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