My husband is neglecting me for this forum!

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My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
Anonymous

01/28/02 at 04:00:04

Assalamu Alaikum

my husband and I have been married a very short time now. He is
currently a well-known medina speaker in this forum, and he spends
most of his free time here. I've found that the time he spends reading
msgs and starting posts are affecting me and our limited time together.
Because we are still not living together, I see him seldomly. He tells
me that it is for the benefit of Islam - his dean and our marriage but I
keep finding it challenging to me, as I live alone in this country
without my parents and family. I have tried going on the forum with him and
I always encourage his Islam. However, I do not see the NECESSITY in
this pastime. I believe that basic DUTY comes before TALKING about islam.
His work suffers...he's always up late on the computer which
compromises his duties and time with me, his work (because he can't get up) and
sometimes even his Fajr! I am scared that this forum is taking him over.
I will greatly appreciate what islamic knowledge you may wish to share
with me (and him, as he will be reading and posting here too ISA) to
deal with this situation better. I am sure that this forum is a
resourceful, enlightening medium of islamic expression for many but I fear that
too much talking and not enough practicing may be going on. How many
wives or husbands might share my plight?? May Allah SWT forgive me for
any wrong or hurt I might cause and any sin I may have committed...ISA
Jazak'AllahuKhair
Assalamu Alaikum.

[edited by admin]
Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
se7en

01/28/02 at 03:12:26

as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh,

oh my goodness! :( I'm really sorry to hear that. May Allah make things easy for you and your spouse. We joke around a lot about being addicted to the board, but it really is something that can eat up a lot of your time and overwhelm you. Like anything it is something that can be taken to extremes, and in extremes things start to lose their original benefit.

I understand what you've said in your post and perhaps it is something you should sit down and discuss frankly with your spouse. Maybe he doesn't even realize how far things have gone and how much his time on the board is affecting your marriage.

I think a lot of times we forget what the board *is* - just a message board on which we can share thoughts and ideas and get to know one another. It is not a madrasa, it is not your local muslim community, and it is not the khilafa. We shouldn't allow ourselves to neglect the duties and responsibilities we have towards things in reality - our families, our local communities, the ummah - by occupying our thoughts, feelings, and time with the Madina alone.

I'm saying this out of love for you all as my brothers and sisters, and because I know how overwhelming the Madina can be, how easily it can take up a huge part of a persons consciousness. And it's not good for you. It's not good for your heart.

There are two things I'd recommend to "break" the habit. The first is to just take some time away from the board, completely, whether it's a few weeks or months. I'd say go a good forty days without it to completely break the addiction.

The other thing I would suggest is, only allowing yourself to visit the board once a day. A side benefit to this is that your responses are a lot more thought out, as you've had some time to think about things and formulate your response.

I hope that's of help inshaAllah..

wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah
Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
BrKhalid

01/28/02 at 04:11:33

Asalaamu Alaikum ;-)

I'd definitely agree with the complete break theory for helping with the addiction ;-)

I think, to be fair though, most of us know when we are spending too much time on the board and that's when we all have to be clued up enough to reach for the shut down icon. (I'm not saying its easy mind ;-) )

Another thing which helps is questioning *why* we come on the board? (Take a look at Sr Eleanor's signature)

InshaAllah, I pray that Allah gives us all the ability to fulfil all of our responsibilities.

Wasalaam
Br Khalid

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
eleanor

01/28/02 at 06:19:51

slm

Jokes aside...

my husband has a problem with this too.. more in the region of our phone bill.. :(
I have been reducing my time here over the last couple of weeks, because I can see the inner struggle he is dealing with - he knows the board is good for me; I learn an incredible amount of knowledge here, but at the same time, he doesn't like the fact that the board, at times, comes between me and (a) my household duties (re: dirty dishes, clothes etc piling up) and (b) our relationship and spending time together.

I think it's a difficult situation for any spouse, and hopefully your husband will read this thread and realise how he has been neglecting you. For as Rasulullah said "the best of those among you are those who are best to their wives.." (paraphrased) :)

take care, Insha Allah,
wasalaam
eleanor

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
mujaahid

01/28/02 at 07:23:21

Assalaamu-alaikum

I'm surprised and saddened that your husband is making you feel neglected over a board! I dont understand it though! I personally log on only during breaks at work, and for about 20 mins after work, i feel like an addict, although i dont spend much time here! I cannot understand how or WHY someone would neglect thier Husband/Wife over this message board, even though its a nice place, i think that is rather strange, and even sad.

Have you spoken to him? Have you told him you've posted here? Maybe you should tell your husband, let him see himself how you feel, and that its pushed you to the point where you've had to come onto the boards to let us all know how its affecting you.

Maybe the Mods may be able to do something with IP address, such as if you are on for a certain time, your IP address will not be allowed on after that time for that given day i.e. say people were given a 2 hour time limit, thier IP address would have a timer on it, and during that day, no matter how many times you logged on, it would add it all up, and once you hit two hours, BANG! Locked, KICKED OUT! So once the 2 hours are up, thats it for the day, you cannot log back in agian. That way you have no choice BUT to get off the PC as thiers no point staying on the net if you can't get on the Jannah boards :) Its like thier no point going to a restuarant if you cannot eat!

Mods i really feel you should do something like this, especially since it seems the long hours spent on here are starting to affect peoples marriages. Yes people should be able to control themselves etc, but maybe some people just cannot, or find it too hard. However this would only apply to those who have posted say 150 or so messages. Those IP's that do not post, or post Rarely, such as converts, non-muslims etc, they should not have a limit placed on them, as they will need time to read through the many topics and understand them.

Just a thought.

Wasalaam

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
MuslimSis

01/28/02 at 08:31:13

as-salaamu alaikum,

Sister anon, its very sad to hear this:( hope u've been able to talk though this crisis, insh'allah things will start going easier and better 4 u!!! I agree with brother mujaahid if the mods can do something abt this please do it ASAP, as this is to serious to ignore.

I come on this board for hours (exagereated) but during my lunch times when i've finised all or most of ma work or if i'm too tierd to do any work, i try to come on during college hours! Now i too will start coming on less:) and try to read a book instead

take care,
w'salaam

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
Hania

01/28/02 at 08:31:17

As many members have pointed out, this board is ‘highly’ addictive (Sis Jannah I think you may need to put a health warning somewhere on this board or people may be tempted to sue! :)). I feel one of the main reasons is because it allows Muslims who normally feel isolated in their own community, to interact, share ideas, make friends and control the feeling of loneliness they suffer in their ‘non-virtual’ community.

At times I have questioned the amount of time I spend on this board. I don’t regret it for a minute because I have learnt a lot Allhamdulliah. But at the same time I sometimes wonder if the time I spend here is frivolous and would be time better spent in the ‘real world’.

Since the advent of the Internet, mediums such as E-mail, Instant Messenger, Chat Boards have allowed people to communicate with ease. Unfortunately when people favour communicating via impersonal means as a posed to interaction with ‘real’ people using traditional face to face communication, it is a time to worry.

Sister Anon, you need to wean your husband off this board slowly. Like a Nicorette patch allow him to experience some of his drug, but not all of it :). Since some of the threads in this broad are more fruitful in comparison to others, make him limit the number of threads he visits. Perhaps ban the more playful rooms in favour of the more Islamically orientated.

[quote]I believe that basic DUTY comes before TALKING about islam.
[/quote]
Since you both live alone I am assuming your husband is lonely and he uses this board to be part of a community. Also your husband seems to have an incredible thirst for knowledge Allhamdulillah. To get him away from the keyboard perhaps you could get in contact with your local Muslim community centre/Mosque and find out about Islamic talks/events. You can meet Muslims in your own community and organise charity events, family events, you can get ‘him’ active in Islam and do things ‘together’ rather than just talking about it inshAllah :)

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
Kathy

01/28/02 at 08:49:54

[quote]I feel one of the main reasons is because it allows Muslims who normally feel isolated in their own community, to interact, share ideas, make friends...[/quote]

Abooosooolutely!

Also i think it helps those of us that have been Muslim for along time to learn- without "loosing face." I will be the first to admit that I don't know much- in fact the more I learn the more I realize i don't know!

Also for me there is another very viable aspect of learning that just would not happen in my life.- To find out what and how men think! I practise a certain amount of purduh. I find it fascinating to read what the brothers write and how they really feel- like mujaheed!

Another wonderful aspect is learning things that you did not expect to! People ask questions- and I can't wait to read what the answer is.

Gotta admit- I Love the Sisters here too- I so look forward to meeting them. I am disillusioned with my community- Al humdullillah there are enough Sisters I like here to keep me busy- , yet I am so greatful for the "caliper" we have here.

Being addicted- ok- it can happen- like I will be trying to read or type something and Ali will want to talk or eat- I will say just a minute...

Yikes- I realized I was doing this just a little too often- so I regulated myself to the computer- until 10 in the morning.- or if he wasn't home.

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
BroHanif

01/28/02 at 18:51:15

Aww,

[quote]Because we are still not living together, I see him seldomly. He tells me that it is for the benefit of Islam [/quote]

Why are you not living together dear Sister In Islam ? Tell your husband that you long for him to be with you, instead of being away from each other. Remind your husband that prophet [saw] he used to dedicate his time accordingly with all his wives and he used to talk to them, take care of their needs and above all be there for them when they needed him. How can something benefit Islam when the ideal purpose of marrige is for the partners to live together under the commands of sharia.

How can he come to the board and do justice with the posts and msgs, when the ideal flower of his life is being wiltered away. why can something benefit Islam, when you are being hurt in this manner. I truly feel sorry for you, if I had my way I'd probably talk to your husband, if that dosen't help then perhpas use some strong words, if that dosen't help then I think its best if you terminate his account over here, if that dosen't work then terminate his computer. And then ask him whether he wants to terminate the marrige or not. (*as you can tell I'm pretty angry*)

Living alone is not ideal, especially during the infancy of marrige. I truly feel sorry for you, you've left your family and friends and have no one to turn to apart from Allah and your husband.

Marrige is not a weekend game, its a sense of responsibility, trust, love and in Islam ibadat as well. You tell your husband straight if he is going to play this game of neglect then the marrige will suffer leading to much heartache and stress and above all Allah will be upset with him.

If his love is for Allah then spend time accordingly with you, its understandable that he enjoys the Madinat community, yet he is now married with a partner who yearns for him. The rules have now changed, no longer will the habits of the bachelor life be able to carry on, now the duties of the imam of the house must begin, and first with the family.

Since you are all alone where you are, its not fair to assume that you will like the Madinat community not of all of us are the same.
We all have our addictions, yet we must learn to control them, otherwise they risk taking over our lives and hurting our loved ones in the process.

In the interim start by having small study circles in your house, start to read the Kitabs and invite him over. Top kitabs are the purification of the soul, in pursuit of Allahs pleasure, Riyadus saleheen etc etc. Build Islam in your house so there is another alternative than the Madinat.

If there are few muslims in your community or hardly any then ask your husband that you want to move to another area where there are more muslims, more of a community.

Salaams

Hanif

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
Marcie

01/28/02 at 19:21:17

As salamu alaykum Sis,

I can understand what you are saying. It used to bother my husband that he would come home and I would say salam and then go back to the board. Now I just turn the computer off when he comes home and go and spend time with him. At first he thought that I was hiding something from him, but he has since realized that is not the case. Insha'Allah everything will work out once you two live together.

as salamu alaykum
Marcie

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
SuperHiMY

01/29/02 at 14:41:19

AsalamAlay.com,
Peace and e-Greetings be upon you.

First off, Congratulations on your recent marriage.

Islam is Moderation.
Islam is the Middle Path.

Like Goldilocks, the amount of anything in one's life
must NOT be TOO MUCH, must NOT be TOO LITTLE.

If a brother were praying 100 rakats nafil every day to the
point where he was so tired he could not stay up at work,
could not earn enuff to provide a roof over his family's head,
ignored other obligations for this NAFIL...

WOuld that brother's behaviour be in the middle?

Back when this website first had it's outsourced message board,
I posted a message thread that began:

'Are you addicted to Jannah.org too?'

I think it was grew to become one of the longest threads going
on and on and into like two weeks of comments.

Then I replied to my own thread with the following post:

'Are you addicted to THIS THREAD?'

(...sigh...) The thread grew even longer...then I knew I had
a problem. I was spending hours and hours logged in just to
[i]Catch[/i] the newest messages as they were posted.

I was treating this message board as my own
[i]instant message buddy list[/i].

Your hubby has demonstrated that he can commit all of his
energy into something. That is a good thing.

The fact that thing is NOT your MARRIAGE...is a bad thing.

Beginning a marriage is like a plane taking off:

If a 747 begins on the run way, speeds up to 400 miles an hour
within 30 seconds, aims high, and full throttle, the plane
takes off.

If instead, the 747 begins and then slows down to say 15 miles
an hour, because the pilot is doing two or three things unrelated
to launching the flight successfully, that plane will never
even get off the ground.

If the plane takes off successfully, during the flight, the
pilot can then take SOME time, when it is safe, to go for a
break...

If your hubby ain't giving your marriage everything RIGHT NOW...

Then your hubby's got a second wife,

And it's this message board!

Tell him to CHOOSE.

YOU, YOUR MARRIAGE, THE MIDDLE PATH...or... his second wife.

He's prob'ly reading this message anyway, if he's so addicted,

So, I now ask the hubby:

Pick one.

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
isra

01/29/02 at 15:53:11

[quote]Assalaamu-alaikum

Maybe the Mods may be able to do something with IP address, such as if you are on for a certain time, your IP address will not be allowed on after that time for that given day i.e. say people were given a 2 hour time limit, thier IP address would have a timer on it, and during that day, no matter how many times you logged on, it would add it all up, and once you hit two hours, BANG! Locked, KICKED OUT! So once the 2 hours are up, thats it for the day, you cannot log back in agian. That way you have no choice BUT to get off the PC as thiers no point staying on the net if you can't get on the Jannah boards :) Its like thier no point going to a restuarant if you cannot eat!

Mods i really feel you should do something like this, especially since it seems the long hours spent on here are starting to affect peoples marriages. Yes people should be able to control themselves etc, but maybe some people just cannot, or find it too hard. However this would only apply to those who have posted say 150 or so messages. Those IP's that do not post, or post Rarely, such as converts, non-muslims etc, they should not have a limit placed on them, as they will need time to read through the many topics and understand them.

Just a thought.

Wasalaam [/quote]
As Salamu Alaikum. That all what you wrote, forget it. Its not the Mods what should do anythink. This brother has to do somethink. Wassalamu Alaikum

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
isra

01/29/02 at 16:01:14

As Salamu Alaikum Sister. I'm sory with your family. Have sabr (patience). Since all wrote good advices, I can do dua for your family. Try to take islamic activity, learn, read, talk (discus) about islam or so with him, maybe it helps.Wassalamu Alaikum
Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
M.F.

01/29/02 at 16:16:42

I agree with you Isra, it's not the Mods who have to do something. They're not responsible for the amount of time we spend on this board or anywhere else! We as individuals need to learn how to moderate ourselves and learn how to divide up our own time.

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
BroHanif

01/29/02 at 18:28:32

Aww,

[quote]If your hubby ain't giving your marriage everything RIGHT NOW...

Then your hubby's got a second wife,

And it's this message board!

[/quote]

Plz brother grow up. And get married yourself.! Pur lease

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
Asim

01/30/02 at 00:18:05

Assalaamu alaikum,

Sister Anon, my advice is to talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. I am sure he doesn't realize how his addiction is affecting you. Keep the line of communication open always as lack of communication is one of the primary reasons for misunderstandings. As you are recently married, both of you have experienced major changes in life so approach each other with patience and understanding.

This board serves as a reminder for some of us by enjoining what is good and forbidding what is bad. Now that you are married each of you has to take some of the responsibility of reminding with wisdom.

I pray your husband realizes his mistake and you both lead lives of mercy and understanding.

hmmm.... BroHanif wrote:
[quote]And get married yourself.! Pur lease[/quote]
That is easier said than done!

Wasalaam.

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
solehah

01/30/02 at 01:38:11

Assalamualaikum wr wb

Internet addiction, like any addiction, is a behavioural pattern conditioned. It is a process where one is hooked on something for one's gratification. The gratification can come in many forms. In the case of alcohol addiction, its physical gratifictaion but in the case of an internet addiction its more likely emotional and intellectual gratification. The problem with internet addiction is people tend to think of it as NOT an addiction but it is. The withdrawal symptoms for an addiction that affects the body, like shivering, vomitting easily perceived compared to the internet addiction. Still, the withrawal symptoms for an internet addiction can be more complex. Whats worse is that in all cases of addiction, the mind is clouded.

In both cases, the addiction can only be broken by behavioural therapy, reconditioning, and most importantly, strong faith and mental struggles.

Your husband spends hours on the board, he neglects you. Yet, you and him does not stay together. Does this mean that he is on the message board even when he and you are together ? if so, then yes, he obviously has a problem.

Like in all addiction, the substance itself is passive. Its the user that converts what is good to something negative. The board is an avenue for Muslims to interact and upgrade their knowledge. Your husband just need to learn to prioritise.

What I would recommend is an honest communication channel between the both of you. Lay down expectations and feelings. When this does not work, suggest to your husband that YOU think there is a problem even if HE does not think so. Slowly and gently help him with reconditioning, like limiting himself to being at the board once a day at most 1 hour. If again that fails, I would recommend therapy.

Brother Husband, I know you would read this message. If you know that its you your wife is talking about then listen to this. The message board comprises of faceless people and messages. Your real life comprises of a beautiful woman who is your wife. You both married each other because you saw what was good in each other. Work on that. Cherish that. If you leave the board for 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years and come back the board will still be here Insya'Allah. Maybe you feel empowered by your contributions here in relations to your connection with Muslims worldwide but your da'wah kingdom is your family and your home. Please.....if you feel that you cannot allow anything else to disrupt your time on this board, then you know that you need help.

I seek forgiveness if I have offended with this post. My dua that both you Sis Anon and your husband will receive the blessings and Hidayah from ALLAh SWT. May your marriage be happy and last till you meet again in Jannah, Amin.

Wassalam.

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
Anik

01/31/02 at 12:17:20

asalamu alaikum,

Hmmmmm... situation sounds familiar when it comes to internet stories.

Sr. Anonymous,

If you think you provide your husband with your duties and he neglects you, confront him with that imbalance. Show him the inequity.

Forcing him to choose is effective, until he might learn that you really can't enforce that choice, and if he picks the board, well, your gonna wanna help him work it out aren't you?

Your husband is really not doing his job, guaranteed, if in front of you he is spending time on the computer. What about the time you guys are apart? How does he spend his time? Maybe he misses you?

Try doing the same back to him... i guess retaliation isn't the mindset, but what if he gets neglected? And how much is he on? aslaamua alaikum. abdullah,.

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
BroHanif

01/31/02 at 13:53:07

Aww,

Hmm reminds me of myself when I was forcing er indoors to wear the hijaab, its like you want her to wear it but she won't. Likewise you want him off the board but he won't get off, well the best way is to introduce it slowly to the Bro, how much you mis him, how much you want to understand Islam you know, give him some warmth to go to and insha-allah he will come to you.

This board would be addictive to some people, now if that person is here then, he needs something else to channel that creative mindset of his and that I guess is where you come in.

I would say start by doing some halaqas in the house or when you are together, start a discussion with him, like why is a beard necessary or why a man must provide for his wife within his means. Take him for Islamic walks, appreciate time spent with each other and be there for each other. By you talking nicely to him that is Islam as well, by you dressing up for him where only his eyes would lay on you that is allowed as well, remember your now partners for life.
Go on sister, I know you can do it for the sake of Allah.

salaams

Hanif
Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
SuperHiMY

02/01/02 at 12:13:29

Buy him an Xbox.

Get two hand controllers.

Beat him at Mortal Kombat III.

The family that plays together...stays together.... :O

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
MentallectCom

02/02/02 at 01:46:06

I am so amused.

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
Anonymous

02/02/02 at 16:59:15

[slm]

I do NOT think there is anything wrong with the Board in affecting the
behavior of this husband. This poor lady is having a real problem in
her hand. May Allah Subhanahu Watala help her.

[quote]I believe that basic DUTY comes before TALKING about islam. His
work suffers...he's always up late on the computer which compromises
his duties and time with me, his work (because he can't get up) and
sometimes even his Fajr![/quote]

[quote]I fear that too much talking and not enough practicing may be
going on.[/quote]

This husband has to practice what he preaches others. How can a
believer ever contemplate missing a prayer?

[wlm]

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
flyboy_nz

02/04/02 at 07:10:29

Asalaamu alaikum,

okay I'm going to give another opinion on the matter. Alhamdulillah this board is a great environment to learn and get motivated. So much good advice gets passed on here and if your husband is a regular, as you say he is, I'm sure he contributes to that advice as well.

Basically your husband is doing something positive and getting something positive back as well- like perhaps getting advice on how to be a better husband and so on...even learning how to make luddoos and other goodies.

Sometimes with a new situation, such as a marriage you need to give each other a bit of slack in order to find the perfect equilibrium together. You're both in a transition stage, moving from being separate to being married and even though you are still apart, inshaAllah, soon you'll be able to be more united. I guess you just need to take it easy and not change too many things at once and overwhelm the poor bro before he's had a chance to find his feet in the relationship. A healthy healping of understanding goes a long way.

Finally, I know the Sister asked for advice, but I think as a community we need to be careful with the advice that we give and make sure it doesn't become personal or cause division within relationships and frankly advising to choose between the Board and the marriage is adding fuel to the fire..that ain't the smart way.

that's all :)

wasalaam,
Ahmed

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
isra

02/04/02 at 15:25:20

[quote]Asalaamu alaikum,

we need to be careful with the advice that we give
wasalaam,
Ahmed[/quote]
As Salamu Alaikum.I think this is important point.Wassalamu Alaikum

Re: My husband is neglecting me for this forum!
SuperHiMY

02/12/02 at 01:02:02

So, Dear Sister Anonymous who began this thread, 23 msgs
ago...what happened?

Anything change?

Did he read and discuss/ignore these messages?

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