Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/28/02 at 19:41:58 |
| Assalaam alaikum Please let me know if I’m out of line for thinking this way. I’m not really a regular, but you lot seem like a reasonable crowd. This is what irks me: when a sister is expected to seriously consider a brother who is either no where near her or less than her in terms of motivation in deen-related issues/beliefs. I have heard all too often that women with stronger “iman” (I don’t like to mention iman/faith, since that is with Allah, but motivation level is somewhat easier to guage if you know his current activities, goals, etc) should consider less practicing men for 3 main reasons: 1) he may change, 2) she may be rewarded for that change, if for the better, and 3) good bros are really hard to find. Granted, #3 is true, but #1 may not occur! I’ve always firmly felt that a the bro should have stronger motivation for the deen (or at least compatible) than the sister he marries for reasons of influence. That’s one of the main reasons men are able to marry women of the book, since it’s somewhat easier to influence what/how the family will practice, than for a woman to establish that same influence, Allahu-alim. And like men, women are also supposed to marry on the primary basis of deen. Plus, that’s just what I’m attracted to. So I guess the issue is this: is it legitimate for a sister to reject a “practicing” brother if he is not at the same level as the sister (motivation wise)? I know we can reject brothers who don’t pray their 5s or fast or give charity. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, since I’m not at any acceptible level myself, so this “motivation” business is all in relative terms. I know praying istikhara is the best thing to do when you have an actual decision to make, but I just want to know some thoughts on this viewpoint, in general. Because if it’s wrong/abnormal of me, I’d like to change. But otherwise, I’m totally willing to wait to get married to a highly motivated brother, rather than settle on less than what I want, deen-wise. Also, are there any sisters out there who have married bros who were less motivated than she was at the time? I know it works for some, but I just don’t think I’m strong enough to be the “more motivated” one at the onset. Allah is capable of anything. Thanks a lot for sharing, Your southern sister in Islam (yeee-haaa! Jk, we don’t really say that) |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Kashif |
| 01/29/02 at 08:41:03 |
| assalaamu alaikum I absolutely agree with what you're saying. If you have a husband whose imaan isn't to the level where he is motivated enough to go to conferences or weekend retreats, how then do you expect to go? You would end up feeling, and actually being restricted by him. What i'm saying is that many sisters will often rely on their husbands when involved themselves in Islamic activities. Another problem is that even if at the start the husband is willing to let his wife go out while he chooses to stay at home or be out with his friends, what if his ego later affects him and he ends up not going himself but also stopping his wife from going because her zeal for learning Islam makes him feel inferior to her? It would be much better for a sister, i think, to marry a brother who she could look up to in the deen, or at least be on equal terms with. Kashif Wa Salaam |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Kathy |
| 01/29/02 at 09:03:19 |
| slm Kashif is absolutely right. I have been there. I have nothing more to add other than to strongly advocate his words. I remember when I was looking for a husband, I met someone whos deen far exceeded my own. In my own words I was not good enough for him. I think it is a mistake for a woman to feel as I did then. She should try to get a husband who she could look up to. |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/29/02 at 09:58:05 |
slm, What if the problem is the opposite? Not that the prospective spouse is at a lower level of deen, but at a MUCH higher level, in terms of practice, dedication, and sincerity? Kathy, I understand what you're saying, but wouldn't it feel terrible to know that you're holding your spouse back from his/her full potential? I guess my question is, should you pursue marriage with someone that you really AREN'T good enough for? wlm |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Kashif |
| 01/29/02 at 10:08:48 |
| wa alaikum us-salaam In that case, you can insha'Allah benefit from the fact that a spouse who is of higher imaan would work on increasing your imaan too. Kashif Wa Salaam [quote] slm, What if the problem is the opposite? Not that the prospective spouse is at a lower level of deen, but at a MUCH higher level, in terms of practice, dedication, and sincerity? Kathy, I understand what you're saying, but wouldn't it feel terrible to know that you're holding your spouse back from his/her full potential? I guess my question is, should you pursue marriage with someone that you really AREN'T good enough for? wlm [/quote] |
| NS |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Kathy |
| 01/29/02 at 10:19:02 |
| [quote] Kathy, I understand what you're saying, but wouldn't it feel terrible to know that you're holding your spouse back from his/her full potential?[/quote] I did think that way, I think I was wrong, and I have found that my deen increases as I teach about Islam. His potential is between him and Allah swt- a person can not impede that. Another point to consider- He would be the father of your children- I would get the best I could! |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| M.F. |
| 01/29/02 at 17:00:03 |
[quote] I guess my question is, should you pursue marriage with someone that you really AREN'T good enough for? wlm [/quote] Who's to judge who you're good enough for or not? Certainly not yourself! That would be the shaytan speaking in my humble opinion. If this person who has really high Iman and motivation thinks you're "good enough" then they'll probably bring you to a much higher level rather than the opposite (you bringing them down). It's much easier when it's the husband who's the motivated one because then it's easier to participate in activities and so on. However, one has to really check one's niyya in that case and know what they're doing for Allah and what's just for their husband. I don't know... I think it's easier for a person's iman to go up when they're in the company of someone who has strong Iman rather than the opposite. |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/29/02 at 20:46:17 |
| Jazaakum Allahu khair! I'm so glad I'm not thought of as abnormal (at least not by Kashif and Kathy!) :) And I hope other sisters can learn from this; if you can help it, please don't "settle" on less than what you need in a husband, deen-wise (not to sound sexist, but sometimes, there are different ramifications for sisters who are less active, and God knows best). And Kathy is absolutely correct, I wasn't even thinking that far ahead, he needs to be an example for his children. I even know of examples where active sisters got married to less active brothers, and consequently got too busy to work in the community...khair, I guess it happens sometimes after anyone gets married, but I hope inshaAllah that who I marry will be someone I can only grow stronger with, and not more lax. Ok, I no longer have a complex (or feel that guilty for turning certain bros down). God knows best, may he guide us all to what is right for us. :) Thanks again, Your Southern Sister in Islam |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/30/02 at 19:28:55 |
| it is evident that someone to look upto is certanly desirable. However, I have found that sisters blame their husbands for their own lax. I know many who blame their husbands for not wearing the hijab, or not being active islamically, or not raising the children in an islamic manner, and so on. We all try hard to find a man we think will help us grow and increase our eman. However the reality of the matter is that better or worse, whoever is assigned to us, will be a trial in patience or gratitude. Which is harder to bear i shall not speculate. |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Kashif |
| 01/30/02 at 19:52:40 |
| assalaamu alaikum Yet at the same time being married to a man of weaker imaan may be a test by which you are raised in Allah's Sight if you handle it correctly. Take for example Asiya, the wife of the Pharaoh! |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| Barr |
| 01/31/02 at 06:39:38 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :-) [quote]. However, I have found that sisters blame their husbands for their own lax. I know many who blame their husbands for not wearing the hijab, or not being active islamically, or not raising the children in an islamic manner, and so on. [/quote] This reminds me of something. [i]Tarbiyah is in our hands, and in our hands only.[/i] Someone said that to me before.... I think we are responsible and accountable for our own development, life management and where we want to lead and orientate our lives to. What I see in the psyche of some sisters is that, the point of change and further development of their own selves seems to be directly dependent on their husbands. Like, [i]I'll spend more time with the Qur'an if I have a good husband, I'll be able to memorise more, I'll wear the hijab, I'll stay up for tahajjud more and so on... if I have a good husband[/i] With such a defeatist view, I myself am guilty of such at times. Granted that its great to have motivation from a person whom we love, a support, a buddy to do all of that with, but, at the end of the day, who is the ultimate drive in our lives? Why can't we do all that, *without* him and *with* Him? Point is, it's just super duper brilliant to have a super duper brother, but... marriage is about growth, regardless of our iman level. If one party falters, then, growth would stop. [quote]if you can help it, please don't "settle" on less than what you need in a husband [/quote] You're right, sister :) Always have that idealism in us... with a touch of reality :-) and don't lose it. InshaALlah, we pray for khair for each other. Just my thoughts Allahua'lam South-East Asian Sister (Yee ha! hmm, nope, we don't say that here, either ;)) |
| Re: Am I too hard on the brothers? |
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| siddiqui |
| 01/31/02 at 23:38:21 |
| ASSALAM U ALIKUM, Rejecting or accepting a proposal might be a choice you could exercise but eventually you will marry some one Allah swt has willed for you when your time comes :) There is another side of the coin too.What makes you think that you would not be able to influence your spouse to improve himself,for all our hearts are in Allah swt hands and he is the one who will eventually give/or take away hidayath(May Allah forbid but there is a possibility that one could live the life of a momin and die a death of a kafir). May be if you influence a br positively ,this could be your ticket to Jannah :). May Allah swt reward you witha spouse who has qualities much more than you desire for Ameen :). |
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