Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/16/02 at 11:46:19 |
| assalamu alaikum i would like the sisters opinion (brothers may give theres as well) about this ... several years ago a sister and i had wished to be married...we had known each other since we were kids and grew up in the masjid together... we had become close, but unfortunately there was difficulty with both our parents...we tried for a year and a half to convince them but as it continued, the strain was too great, her feelings changed and she decided to call the getting married off... this was several years ago, i have since moved on and now am in the process of getting married to a wonderful muslima i have always felt to be married to anyone I would like to tell her about everything...I wouldn't feel comfortable or secure or able to surrender completely to her if I had to hide anything from her...so part of me wants to tell her about what happened... however the other part of me does not want to because I feel I might hurt her by doing so...she may expect my heart to have been completely pristine and clean, devoid of any previous emotional attachment to another...though I wish that was the case...(by the way if the roles were reversed, I would like to know about her past, but that is basically because I have experienced that and I would be able to understand having been through it myself,i fear she may not have that frame of reference to understand with me) so i have one option, to tell her about some emotional scars of the past and possibly hurt her feelings and perhaps cause her to have the feeling that I might not be 100% emotionally invested in her...or i have the option of keeping this past affair of the heart my secret, and in doing so, perhaps not feeling as if I can surrender to her fully because I have to hide something from her... my question to the sisters is, how would you feel about this? would you be better off not knowing such things or would you want to know? thanks...may allah reward of all o fyou wasalamu alaykum wa rahamutallahi barakatahu |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| ABD |
| 02/16/02 at 12:09:21 |
| [slm] I think it's only fair for you to tell her the truth b/c she deserves to know. When getting married, there shouldn't be any secrets between the couple b/c that may cause problems later on. If your love for each other is strong then you can get through this together. Imagine this as a test of your trust and love for each other. If you pass this, then you two are truly meant for each other Insha'Allah. Personally, I would like my husband-to-be to tell me any secrets from the past no matter how hurtful they may be. With the help of Allah (SWT) we can get through everything. You said that you and the sister from the past tried to work it out for 1 1/2 yrs but didn't work out. So, it shows that you two were not meant to be together, and the new sister and yourself are truly for each other. So, no matter what the news of the past, if you work at it and also with the help of Allah (SWT), you two will get through anything together, Insha'Allah. Sorry, I'm rambling on.... May Allah (SWT) help you, guide you, and grant you patience and strength to do what you have to do. Ameen. [wlm] Betul |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| bhaloo |
| 02/16/02 at 12:17:44 |
| slm Why would you disclose that and hurt your spouse to be? She would probably feel like she is being compared to someone else, and that maybe your feelings for her are not as strong. Why would you risk hurting your relationship? Keep that information to yourself and do not disclose it. |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| Marcie |
| 02/16/02 at 12:32:46 |
| As salamu alaykum, I definitely agree with brother Arshad. What is in the past should stay in the past. It does not really concern your present relationship so why hurt your future wife's feelings? We talk about how we want to know everything and we would not mind knowing stuff like this. For some of us that is true, but for others it does influence the feelings. Allahu'alim what your marriage will bring. Insha'Allah the bond will be so strong that the other one will look small in comparison. As salamu alaykum Marcie |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| Kashif |
| 02/16/02 at 13:30:33 |
| assalaamu alaikum Telling your wife-to-be about your past relationship *could* actually breed mistrust, and do you want that to happen right at the beginning of your marriage? And furthermore, lets assume that the first sister is married to someone else now. Do you think she will even imagine mentioning you to her husband? Of course not. So why do you want to do so in your marriage? Time is a great healer, and insha'Allah, with the right frame of mind, you can be assured that when you're married you won't even think of the first sister again. Kashif Wa Salaam |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| tq |
| 02/16/02 at 15:27:04 |
| Assalamo elikuim I agree with Bhaloo,Marice and Kashif. YOu dont have any feeling for the other sister now, maybe she herself is married. It was in the past when the sister you are going to marry now was not in the picture. May be later when you both will have Inshallah more understanding may be if you tell her then it wont matter. ALso pray istikhara. Wasalam tq |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| eleanor |
| 02/16/02 at 15:33:27 |
| slm I would disagree with the majority, dear Brother, and advise you to tell your future wife of the past. It's very important *how* you tell her. I think you should bring up the subject by saying something along the lines of "Alhamdulillah. Allah has found for me and granted me you, my perfect partner in life. Allahu Ahlam, I could have made a big mistake in the past. But thankfully it didn't go far enough for me to make that mistake and now I have you..." and then go on in this fashion. Brother, I think it would be a *big* mistake to hide this from your future wife. Imagine if she were to find out about the sister from a third party in the future. How would she feel then? She would imagine that you hid it from her, to deceive her. But if someone were to mention it in the future and she knew all about it, then she would be more confident about your trust in each other. The important thing is to tell her about the past in a way that implies that you are thankful to Allah that you didn't marry the sister for now you have your new wife who is 1000 times better. Make her feel wanted, cherished and loved. And Insha Allah, she won't have a negative reaction. I hope you take the right decision, Brother. Think far into the future..for your future together, what the best thing is do. wasalaam eleanor |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| Asim |
| 02/16/02 at 18:18:19 |
| Assalaamu alaikum, Okaaay, if this is a popular vote I will cast mine too. Br. Anon, my advice is no. It isn't such a big deal and it also doesn't make much sense. The way you have put it, you still seem to have feelings for that sister. Now imagine youself telling your wife-to-be "... part of my heart is scarred by her... has some feelings for her... but I want to marry you." ugghh. Her response "get lost!" :) I think feelings are big for sisters (am I right?), and to tell her *before* marriage that you have some feelings for someone else is a no-no. Sr. Eleanor, there is no way a brother can put this across without hurting his wife-to-be's feelings! And there is not much to be gained from it. As Kashif said time is an excellent healer. And if you are marrying for the right reasons inshallah immediately after marriage the memory of that sister would get buried. Maybe later in marriage both of you can laugh at how silly you were. Maybe she will have a similar story to share too! If it was something major like drugs, premarital sex, emotional problems, etc that can affect marriage or that shows how you have repented and come out of it (i.e. shows your positives) then *maybe*. But telling her about your feelings (past or present) for someone else, you would be just creating problems for yourself. May Allah [swt] make is easy for you and bless your marriage. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| SaadZ |
| 02/16/02 at 18:23:27 |
| salaams, i agree with sister Eleanor...if u hide something today, especially something that matters so much to u and she was to find out later, she would think that u hid it from her for reasons not as noble as yours. basically, if she found out that u and this sister had wanted to get married, and u didnt tell her, she would think that u two still had feelings for eachother that made it hard to talk about, or that there is something more to it then u are telling her, making it harder for her to trust u in the future...i cant speak for all women, but i know that me and most of the women i know would respond this way. inshaALLAH Allah will guide you to the right answer. saadia |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| Kashif |
| 02/16/02 at 19:22:49 |
| assalaamu alaikum So what if (and its a very big if) the wife-to-be discovers you wanted to marry some next sister five years ago? The fact is, only a few people actually go on to marry the very first person they were interested in. And everyone can understand that. You've described the sister you want to marry as a 'wonderful muslimah.' Do you really want to tell her about something that happened many years ago, about someone who no doubt has moved on and likely forgotten you? To quote Asim's excellent summary "there is no way a brother can put this across without hurting his wife-to-be's feelings! And there is not much to be gained from it." Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| BroHanif |
| 02/16/02 at 20:26:07 |
| Aww, Hmm, I'm going with Sis ele on this one, Your insha-allah going to marry a woman who is wonderful and now who will be perfect for you. So how can it be fair in your relationship if you are interested about her past and yet you hide yours from her ?. Now the more things you hide from your partner the more its going to hurt you in the long run, the fact is at some point in everyones lives we will come across people that we loved and liked and whether its in our favour or not sometimes we get hurt or sometimes our love blossoms. In your case sadly it was not meant to be, just face it my friend that it was one of lifes rollercoasters, you gave your hearts to each other and it did not work out. You move on now don't you, its a fact of life, its not like its something wrong or disgusting loving somebody Islamically. Separation and heartache is faced by many people, sometimes people date and decide that its not right to do the cheatin, pre-marrige arrangement, through a divorce or due to the death of the spouse. I think its quite harsh to say to her that you never loved anyone before when really you have. Now Allah has given you something better, he has given you a wonderful muslimah, your heart now belongs to her and not to your previous lady friend. How can she be emotionally scarred if you both love each other, at least be honest to each other. One day she will ask you whether you loved anyone else, what will you say then ?. Let her know that there is only one true love in your life now and thats your wonderful muslimah. If I've said anything wrong please forgive me. Salaams Hanif |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| bhaloo |
| 02/16/02 at 21:32:40 |
| slm [quote]somebody Islamically. Separation and heartache is faced by many people, sometimes people date and decide that its not right to do the cheatin, pre-marrige arrangement, through a divorce or due to the death of the spouse. I think its quite harsh to say to her that you never loved anyone before when really you have. [/quote] If there was something completely haraam involved such as dating, kissing, or other such foolishness, then obviously these sins are not disclosed, because insha'Allah the person has repented and Allah has forgiven the person. Here was a fatawa on this asked. One of my friends just married with a beautiful girl a few months ago. Before marriage my friend was thinking that he's wife is so religious and never went out with any guy in her whole life. He was thinking that his wife has never done anything bad. He really loved her. But after a few months of marriage he found out that his wife has gone out with someone else and had boyfriend before marriage. My friend is really upset now. He really loved her wife and never thought of her like that. He doesn't love her anymore. He wanted wife like who never went out with anyone or had boyfriend. He doesn't understand what to do. He's planning to get divorce. When he asked me for my advice, i couldn't tell him anything because i have no idea what to say. So, please tell me what should i tell him. What should he do, next? Should he give divorce to her or forget about her past? What does islam says about this situation? Thank you, Sheikh Munajjid answered Praise be to Allaah. If this woman has mended her ways and has repented to Allaah and has given up haraam things and going out with men, and there are no reasons to be suspicious about her, then our advice is that your friend should keep her and conceal her past mistakes. Whoever conceals a Muslim’s faults, Allaah will conceal his faults in this world and the next. Allaah is Forgiving and Merciful, He forgives and accepts the repentance of the one who turns to Him in repentance. So we should be forgiving and should treat the one who has repented in accordance with the way he is now, and help him to continue to repent. The one who has repented is like one who has never sinned at all. If the husband conceals his wife’s past mistakes and treats her well, this will be of immense benefit in helping this woman adhere to the straight path and encouraging her to continue living a life of purity and chastity; her husband will also have a great reward for concealing her faults, keeping her chaste and helping her to avoid evil and stay on the straight path, living under his care in a pure atmosphere in the marital home. If this woman is still persisting in mischief and going out with men and committing haraam actions, and does not repent despite being advised to do so, then we do not suggest that he should keep her at all. Let him get rid of her and Allaah will provide him with another wife. If she has repented, but he cannot bear what she has done in the past, and he is tormented with bad thoughts that give him sleepless nights, and he is scared that if he keeps her he may mistreat her even though she has repented, then he can divorce her so as to give himself peace of mind and avoid mistreating her. But he should look at the matter anew and think long and hard about the advice we have given here. Let him think about himself too: maybe he has made mistakes in the past, or will do so in the future. We ask Allaah to help him to make the right decision and to guide him to the best way. Allaah is the Source of strength and the Guide to the Straight Path. |
| NS |
| Re: Disclosing an affair of the heart? |
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| abc |
| 02/17/02 at 01:52:16 |
| Assalamu alaikum I'm on the "don't tell her" side. Women basically are very possessive. Generally speaking I don't think she could come to terms with her husband having feelings for someone else besides her,no matter how long ago that was. wallahu a'lam Let the past be,Unless there's a strong possibility of your present fiancee finding out from other sources. Only then you might consider telling her. And what do u do when u're confronted with such tug-of-war decisions?? That's right, do istikhara!! May Allah ta'ala make things easy for you and make your marriage happy and strong. Ameen Wassalamu alaikum |
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