A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 12/26/02 at 10:02:24 |
| Salaam i'm not too sure where to start with this one...i posted a message here over a year ago for advice on how to deal with my situation and i'm ashamed to say that i wasn't strong enough to take it on. i allowed myself to get very close and attached to this guy, who at the time, seemed to be perfect in my eyes. it took me all that time until now to realize he either changed drastically, or was never the person i thought he was. looking back now that we are no longer together, i can see how he used me every time to buy him things and do everything he asked me to. there was a time when i would have given up everything for him, had he asked. every time i ended it with him, i was only able to stay strong for a week at the most before i gave into his pleas. now as things are, he wants to get back together, even though i havent seen him for over 2 months and i dont have his number any more so i cant call him. i only hear from him when he calls me which means that i still am not strong enough to let go as if i did have his number, i would be calling him every day. i know he is still using me as every time he calls he tells me a few sweet things before moving on to ask for money or some other thing. the thing is that i think i am still in love with him and i can't let go. if he asked me to meet up with him tomorrow i wouldn't hesitate even though i know what punishment lies ahead for me. i force myself to picture what will happen to me on the other side but the moment i hear his voice i can't argue with him. my friends have given up on me and i don't blame them, nothing they can do or say changes how i feel about him. i try to focus my attention in prayers and asking for forgiveness but right now, how can i ask for forgiveness for something i know is wrong, when i still want it? every time i turn to Allah (swt) i feel like a hypocrite because i know when this guy phones again i'll agree with everything he says. any advice would be welcome jazakallah khair for your time wasalaam |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| panjul |
| 12/26/02 at 19:07:53 |
| [slm] If you would like to IM me....... SalGul (aol) |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Adi28 |
| 12/26/02 at 22:57:25 |
[slm] anonymous.. im just still wondering why your posting?? you said you wanted advice but it seems to me like your still in the state of mind that you don't care what advice your going to get from this message board, your just going to meet that guy no matter what...i say this because this is that is the message that i got from reading your post..it seems like you already have your mind made up..... |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| M.F. |
| 12/27/02 at 10:48:29 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1040914944;start=0#0 date=12/26/02 at 10:02:24] iwouldn't hesitate even though i know what punishment lies ahead for me[/quote] Assalamu alaikum perhaps sister you don't really realize what lies ahead "on the other side". Have you pictured yourself standing among Allah's creation before Him, and the angels calling out your name, "Oh...., come and stand before Allah", The people around you will know you just by the fear in your face, and then it's just you and Allah. What would you answer Him when He asks: were you making light of me? Were you not ashamed from me? Do you have an excuse? What would you answer? Wouldn't it be so much easier to do it here in the dunya, isn't it so much easier to answer this person with "no" instead of knowing that you'll hear these words from Allah and have to answer Him? doesn't knowing you're being used make it so much easier? You lose on all sides. You lose your dignity, you're still being used. You lose your dunya, you're stuck in Haram, you lose your Akhira, you have nothing to say to Allah. You have absolutely nothing to gain by saying "yes". Who would you rather be happy with you, this guy, or Allah? you can have one or the other. Who'll it be? Get strong sis!!!! |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Kathy |
| 12/27/02 at 11:31:24 |
| [slm] Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch and thinking about my life and some of the decisions I had made. I was also thinking about Ramadan and even tho it ended less than a month ago, it is so far away already. The month went so fast. In a blink of an eye. It made me contemplate even more of my life and its trials. Looking back they were meer milliseconds in my life span. I was thinking about harram relationships I had had. They now, are so long ago in my past -and it retrospect ..lasted a meer few seconds. Yet, even tho the pleasures, the love, the heartaches have come and gone....I am still going to have to stand before Allah swt and beg for mercy. Looking back..how stupid. I wish someone had told, shook or locked me up.... because 20 years later- those relationships are now a faded memory, but I may have to suffer an eternity as a result. Please dear sister, I had the benefit of my shahadah, Insha Allah you have the benefit of Allah swt mercy. This is your wake up call. In your heart you know it is wrong, you are now accountable for deeds and actions. I am telling you, shaking you, and asking you to lock up your heart from this man. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Nafisa |
| 12/28/02 at 15:36:08 |
| [slm] Anon, I dont wanna sound harsh but it sounds to me like you've made up your mind and you're wanting to hear validation and support for your relationship rather than actually take advice. From what you say this guy uses you for money and has you at his beck and call. Wake up girl! He's manipulating you big time and pulling your strings like puppet knowing that you are weak to his charms. he sounds like a user and a loser. You stand to gain nothing being in this relationship. Try not doing what he says next time he phones and see how quickly the 'love' vanishes. Stick to the prayers and drop kick him to the kerb. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| BroHanif |
| 12/28/02 at 17:52:46 |
| Salaams [quote]Try not doing what he says next time he phones and see how quickly the 'love' vanishes. Stick to the prayers and drop kick him to the kerb. [/quote] Drop kick him to the kerb ??? been watching Jerry Springer ?. Just pick yourself up sister, the guys a class A jerk. You deserve better, in terms of a Muslim Man especially one that follows the Quran and Sunnah. That person is a real man, in fact he'll treat you like a queen, however, the relality is if you have something else i.e. this Sikh then you know that everything in life that you have worked up to has failed. You will be going against yourself, your parents, your family and above all Allah. How will you raise your kids ???? Will one be called Guldar Singh and the other child called something Singh or somthing muslim ????. C'mon sister, stick with some good Muslimahs, stay away from this man and above all turn to Allah. |
| NS |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| merimda |
| 12/28/02 at 18:20:40 |
| <<i try to focus my attention in prayers and asking for forgiveness but right now, how can i ask for forgiveness for something i know is wrong, when i still want it? every time i turn to Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) i feel like a hypocrite because i know when this guy phones again i'll agree with everything he says.>> Salam Sister, Why don't you turn to Allah and ask him to help you overcome your weakness. Ask Him to make you strong and help you overcome your feelings for this man. Ask Allah to help you stay away from this man and not to regret your decision. Allah knows what is in your heart so you might as well acknowledge your weakness to Allah; this way you won't feel like an hypocrite. best wishes, salam, meri |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Rameeza |
| 12/28/02 at 23:57:09 |
| [slm] I agree with sister Kathy!!! WAKE UP! Not worth a second glance!!! DO anything!! Move from present country if you have to!!! just do it!! Don't even wait for that phone call that you dread. Change your number. Nothing is too much to protect one's self. Literally. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Nafisa |
| 12/29/02 at 11:28:38 |
| [slm] bro Hanif [quote]Drop kick him to the kerb ??? been watching Jerry Springer ?[/quote] Okay, I just got a little over excited. No, I havent been watching such trash TV as Jerry. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 12/29/02 at 20:49:06 |
| [slm] Ohh sweetie. Your post made me wanna cry. You see, I was in a relationship of sorts once as well…(astaghfirullah) I say of sorts because, well, I came to realise that a relationship that is not based upon Allah is hollow and temporal. I really thought I was “in love” whatever that means…and he was soo good at sweet-talking me into doing things I knew were wrong in the back of my mind… I wish I could provide you with a clear–cut answer on this because, as you and I well know, this is something really wrong. But…I know how hard it is…the feelings are so strong, and while you are experiencing them it feels like there’s no way you could feel any different…then you feel different, and realise that you can. But that change only comes about when Allah wills. For me it came with a very specific and unpleasant event involving this guy that literally slapped me in the face and woke me up to what I was doing…it was the first time I ever prayed of my own volition. Stars in a deep night sky, and stars on my face as I let the tears fall, sobbing for Allah to forgive me, repeating the simplest prayer amid sobs: “Ya Allah, help me.” I began to go for walks on my own, to think, to reflect. I would watch couples walking together starry-eyed by the first, blind love. I would see couples who had gotten over that Hollywood-induced twilight zone and were fighting because of their disappointment that love wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, before breaking up. When I asked them why they broke up, they seemed so in love before, they said, “It’s not like it used to be.” What was that? The thrill of first acquaintance; the point before beauty and pleasant but superficial personality traits wore off? Then there were the cheaters, the users, the liars, etc etc etc…they hurt their partners so bad, yet still claimed to “love” them…and the ones who they hurt kept forgiving them…before being hurt again. Some of them actually came to me of all people, hoping I would act as an agony aunt and tell them why their boyfriend wasn’t treating them right etc. I also came across married couples, Muslims (real, practising Muslims), their relationship unspoiled by the taint of illicit relationships, walking with a quiet dignity and peace in each other’s companionship brought about by faith in God. By contrast, I saw non-Muslim married couples, who took such pride in having had a “love marriage” – unfortunately their Godlessness prevented them from making the altruistic sacrifice that should be second nature to a true Muslim, and so their relationship would be riddled with problems. Some of these people I knew, some I did not. Through all this, I figured - love is really is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why half the world is blinded by it, and the other half is so cynical about it. As the saying goes, it really is worth living for, being brave for, risking everything for and the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more. But that’s not the love of Hollywood stock – the wonderful, golden romance that makes you feel on top of the world, where you can’t live without your partner…after all, he is ultimately, flesh and blood, fallible, mortal, like you. Only love of God can carry you to those highs they advertise. He is the Controller of hearts; there is no “can’t help it” scenario involved if you have Him on your side. You can have a wonderful relationship with your partner…but only if you have Him on your side. So turn to Him for help; seek for fulfillment through the halal means He has prescribed. That’s what I figured, and boy it wasn’t easy to come to that conclusion. I would stare at graves I passed and wonder how many of their inhabitants were being punished now…and then think, “But I can’t help it. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t…” But then I did, with time, alhamdulillah. I guess it’s really a case of snapping awake and realising where we’re going…I mean – however you feel about someone now, if you’re doing something wrong, you can’t really say to Allah that you couldn’t help yourself on that Day when He questions you. Sis, that guy won’t seem so sweet to you then…and the burden of responsibility will not be borne by anyone else, least of all him. And if he’s using you…man, you gotta leave him, girl! And you know it already. If you can’t resist his pleas, then hang up as soon as he calls, block his number, avoid him…whatever it takes. It kills, I know, but it’s got to be done. I’m sorry this probably doesn’t make much sense…I jus sort of typed as I thought (my mind’s got the organisation of a dustbin) and it came out like this…but I really wanna help, even if it’s just in the “shoulder to cry on” capacity, so if you feel like talking, and feel a bit embarrassed to post on the board, then mail me (dita@o-tay.com). Maybe I’ll make more sense then inshallah ;D If I don’t hear from you again, I pray that Allah helps you out on this one. Don’t forget, if He put you in this situation, He knows you can deal with it ie He – the Lord of the worlds – has faith in you…which is encouraging! So keep praying to Him and He’ll come running to you with help… [wlm] Your sis in Islam :-) |
| 12/29/02 at 20:54:11 |
| Anonymous |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| kingzdaughter1 |
| 12/29/02 at 21:22:50 |
| Anon, you have gotten so many good replies, I doubt that I will add anything to the already wonderful advice. But I really wanted to tell you from the first time I read your post, that temptation is a lot easier to fight when you're away from it. For instance, if he keeps calling you, as was said, change your number. If that's not possible, hang up straight away when you know it's him. Don't give him the opportunity to talk to you. The fact that you know it's wrong is a great start. Now all you need to do is to make your actions on the same track as your ideas. (please excuse the fact I can't quote properly yet!) many things in your words say that even you don't want this anymore ''it took me all that time until now to realize he either changed drastically, or was never the person i thought he was.'' you know deep in your heart that he doesn't deserve you and the difference of religion just makes it beyond impossible. Don't feel bad because you feel that the only reason you can't be with him is circumstances. God is so compassionate that He gives you a chance to turn from wrong, even when you don't feel it's wrong. Ever seen a child who plays with fire? The child is dazzled by the glow and can't understand why the parent has just taken it away from it. But there will come a time when the child will grow and look back on this and thank the parent. Allah has given you an opportunity by making you lose his number. This is your chance to spend a day at a park, forest, whatever and just think. Think about what you want in life, where you're going and whether this guy in the scheme of things is worth even typing a post about. really sit there and think about your goals and aspirations. Forget about the religion factor for a second. Is a guy who sponges off someone, taking advantage of her love for him, worth a thought? Now go back to the religion difference: would you not rather bring up your children the way your parents brought you up, on principles and beliefs you are proud of? Yes it's hard. Sweet talkers are charmers and who can resist charm? But pray for strength to do God's will, and I guarantee you sister, that God will not let you down. The most important thing is to keep yourself busy. Go out with your friends and families, increase your knowledge of your religion- just do everything so you won't have time to even think of him. If any of your close friends know about your problem, see if they can keep you occupied- tell them your serious but can't turn a new leaf without their help. That's what friends are for, to help us build ourselves up. There will come a time where you will stop thinking of him in the 'perfect' light and you will be able to look at the situation with clear vision. ''i try to focus my attention in prayers and asking for forgiveness but right now, how can i ask for forgiveness for something i know is wrong, when i still want it? every time i turn to Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) i feel like a hypocrite'' temptation has to look good, otherwise it's not tempting. Don't give up prayer, because by that you're giving up your main communication with God. That's like being in a fire and talking to the fire brigade...then turning the phone off because you think it's not getting you anywhere. God will not ignore anyone who asks His help. Don't give up, remember that Allah loves you much, *much* more than this guy ever could, and if you ever need to talk, e mail me at kingzdaughter_no1@hotmail.com may God strengthen you, KD ;D |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 12/29/02 at 23:13:21 |
| "you don't care what advice your going to get from this message board, your just going to meet that guy no matter what..." i dont know if this is true or not, i jus thought that hearing it from someone other than a close friend would have more of an impact. someone recently enlightened me to the suggestion that i am not holding on to him any longer, but to the memories of the 'good times' when he seemed like a decent person and to an extent i believe this to be true. i sometimes let my mind wander and think about what it would be like if he by some miracle converted and things did go back to the way they used to be when we were 'happy'. just now its all in my head, i guess i just need some way of letting go of the memories. anyways, jazaakallah for the replies and forgive me if it seemed like a waste of time. wasalaam |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 12/29/02 at 23:15:51 |
| salaam, Its me again, first of all, jazaakallah khair for all the replies. secondly, i know it may seem like a waste of time for me to be asking for advice, as (i quote) it seems i have already made up my mind, but i thought it might be different hearing it from an outsider rather than a close friend. i know the guy is a loser, if he doesnt get his way, he swears at me and insults me in every way he can and yet i am so weak that i go back to him when he utters a few words of apology. what i was wondering last night was, is it alright to ask Allah (swt) to erase all feelings for this guy from my heart and to replace any feelings of love with hate for him? in many ways i do hate him but i only stay strong for so long until i give in again. i feel that the only way i can get over him, is if i have hatred for him. is this an evil thought? keep the peace, wasalaam |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| jannah |
| 12/30/02 at 00:26:19 |
| Hey Anonymous... I think if you ask for advice you have to be prepared for how people interpret your actions. (Allah only knows the truth of course) I'm kind of worried that you say "nothing they can do or say changes how i feel about him." I do feel that you can't control who you have feelings for sometimes, but I also know that Allah gives us tests sometimes through these things. So although we really love something or covet something ie a guy, clubbin, dressin sexy, drinkin to have a good time, we don't do these things because we know Allah has made them haram for us for a reason and a wisdom. It's not good for you and Allah knows best because He is our Creator. So if you go against our Creator know that you do so to your own detriment in this life and the next. If you're prepared to commit sins willfully and with the full knowledge that what you're doing is wrong I don't think anything we will say here will stop you. If you want to stop I think you know what you'd have to do, ie go to all and every length to cut off any ties or temptations - change your phone number, make sure there is no way he can contact you and make sure YOU have no way of contacting him. AND most importantly repent for your past actions, repentance doesn't mean just feeling bad about something, especially when you know you might have let it continue if it hadn't gone wrong. Feeling regret is only one component. You still have to ask for forgiveness, you have to know and learn why your actions were wrong. You have to promise and make the resolve to NEVER let it happen again and that means all the actions to make sure it doesn't. as for your question " is it alright to ask Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) to erase all feelings for this guy from my heart and to replace any feelings of love with hate for him?" I think asking Allah to forgive you and to change your feelings is a good start. Perhaps ask Allah that if that thing is good for you to bring it to you in a halal way without any interference from you. Maybe even thank Allah for not letting your relationship continue and hence making you realize that it was wrong. I don't think the opposite of love is hate, hate is still a strong feeling/attachment to something, so perhaps ask Allah to make you indifferent to him and to be strong in your resolve. I usually end these things by saying "May Allah guide you" but to be honest I think He has, the rest is up to you. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Kareema_Abdul-Khab |
| 12/30/02 at 02:10:39 |
| [slm] Just want to add my two bits:don't only break off this relationship: go about strengthening your relationship with Allah, your family and whatever Muslim community you have around you. Go to jumah, visit your family(I assume they're Muslim?) start reading lots of Kitab and praying. Go to MSA or Islamic lecture, halqas gatherings. Perhaps these outings that have a social aspect will help you be stronger and help your self-esteem. Get around people who will respect you without manipulating you:) |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| UmmWafi |
| 01/01/03 at 00:28:38 |
| [slm] Sis Anon Firstly, May Allah Shines His Mercy on you, Amin. I have read your post and all the replies. I dont want to add more at this juncture, except to ask you to do this small exercise seriously and sincerely. Late at night, after u have done your nafilah, close your eyes and ask yourself this question "If the guy dies tomorrow, how would you feel, what would you do, most importantly, how would you live your life after that". Please tell me your responses. Wassalam. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| amatullah |
| 01/01/03 at 01:53:03 |
| wa alaykum, I don't think you will like what I have to say but I think you have had lots of pats already and many shoulders to cry on so another one won't be of use. But i really hope you understand what I say since my intention is really to let you see what is going on without mincing words. If my sister has, God-forbid, been doing this for so long and wanting to stop but not doing it...this is what I would say. we are a people whom Allah has blessed and elevated us through Islam. I don't understand why you demean youreself. Many non-Muslim women would not even let men treat them like that even if they are committed to them. why do you think you are so worthless as to be used and abused and it is ok to keep dreaming and hoping and living in angst and the guy doesn't even care or isn't evne nice. MY GOD, he doesn't even sound like a normal human man! He asking you for money and you just give it after a few romantic words? are you buying affection like the men buy s&#? I can a little understand if he is so good to you and you just find it hard to pull away but i think your problems is your self esteem and i don't think anyone like to be humiliated but by agreeing to go back each time that is what you are doing. you are a MUSLIMA...live up to the respect, modest and dignity which comes with living it. If you think it hurts now the situation you are in, then you should make yourself realize that the results of sins is not only in this life, a darkeness on the face, decrease in health, tightness in the chest, less provisions, loss of memory, humiliation, less liked by people, etc. Don't set yourself up for failure, you are a MUSLIMA! If you think oh i can only be strong till i hear him again then that is what happens. Keep yourself busy (you might have too much time, energy and money so deal with that in a healthy ways) and KNOW that if you leave something for the sake of Allah, He will replace it with something better. Maybe if you imporve yourself (sometimes simply by moving away from this bad influence) you will find real happiness wiht someone who actually cares about you and wants to make you happy and protect you and make you smile. I think you are setting yourself up for failure becuase you are asking us the wrong question...Who cares if you hate him to get over him. is it worse than bein in sin with him? do what you have. Better yet don't waste any MORE time on this so called man , don't love hate care dislike anything him. totally erase him from your mind. Start thinking about yourself more...caring about yourself more. Even if you failed before at a test, it doesn't mean it has to continue that way. Allah swt said if we didn't make mistakes and repent He would create anothers who would. He is more happy about us repenting than you can even imagine. And even though Shaytan is trying to tell you it is not a true repentance if you still want to do it, you should realize Allah does not change us until we begin to change that which is within our own selves first. and once we walk towards Him, He runs to us. That is our Lord, the Lord of the heavens who made you as a trust, your body, your soul, everything is going back to Him to judge. I don't think you want this kind of life or what awaits it in the hereafter. When you make a decision the doing becomes easy. you decide what kind of person you are. ANd don't give him anymore money whatever you decide you are, it sounds like he will leave you then anyway. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 01/01/03 at 17:34:43 |
| salaam, its me again "If the guy dies tomorrow, how would you feel, what would you do, most importantly, how would you live your life after that". if he died tomorrow, i can honestly say i would not shed a tear. it would be the proper ending to a chapter of my life that i am trying to end. may Allah swt forgive me. as for my life after that, i would be ever thankful to Allah swt for giving me the strength and the means to get through this situation and i would make sure i never let myself into a similar situation again. last night something happened that made me realize even more so the pathetic-ness of my situation and how much he used me. from ur replies and what happened last night i feel strong enough in my heart to never want to see him again. he abused my trust and i am forcing myself to believe that if he could abuse my trust in the way he did, everything from the start he ever said to me was a lie. if my own sister was being treated in such a way i would do everything i could to stop it and get her away from the situation and i would be a hypocrite if i did not want for myself what i would want for my sister. sorry if that made no sense! what i'm trying to say is that i want nothing to do with him any more. i know that most of this depends on myself but please pray for me that i find the strength i know i have, to follow this through. jazaakallah khair for all your replies, may Allah swt bless every one of u in this life and the next, ameen wasalaam |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| amatullah |
| 01/01/03 at 18:43:06 |
| wa alaykum Alhemdulilah sister I am happy to read that you are waking up and getting a back bone. I just thought I would share with you this young girl i know is insha'Allah getting married and you should see what this Muslim man is gone through to marry her. As a Muslima you are so precious. Their feet tire to get to you, they ask different people, they are nervous, they come they ask her parents then they wait so nervous as your family asks all about his history and character, they save up for your mahr. They look for more suitable places for you to live, they respect your parents and your wishes. mostly even though it shouldn't be as much it is a huge ordeal. It was so funny when they did finally said yes, he did a sajda shukr right there. If you think about him from shaytan, just think of how really sister how can you marry someone who doesn't even know how to cleanse himself? This is from the Quran: a slave man who believes is better than an Unbeliever even though he allure you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: that they may receive admonition. Be strong. I will make dua for you. I love you for Allah's sake. |
| Re: Relationship with a Sikh |
|---|
| UmmWafi |
| 01/02/03 at 13:56:02 |
| [quote]if he died tomorrow, i can honestly say i would not shed a tear[/quote] Tell yourself he is dead cos u wanna know the truth ? He is dead, he has no soul and no faith. Don't shed those tears and move on honey. Wassalam. |
| 01/02/03 at 13:57:01 |
| UmmWafi |
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board |