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| how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Anonymous |
| 12/29/02 at 23:18:22 |
| >>take 2 (my first one didn't make sense so i'm trying again) Assalam alaikum warahmatullah my brothers getting married in 41 days from today!!! and i'm really excited cause its gonna be like having a big sister :) i have 5 brothers and 1 sis and myself. my sisters 10 and so i can't speak to her about stuff ask her for advice in things...lol!!! i'm kind of really nervous at the same time bcoz i'm not a good communicator, ummm i don't know the right right words. but anyhow this is my first brother getting married and i want to be a good sis in law to his wife to be inshallah. And your advice can help me do the same for my other brothers wife's Inshallah :) i'm really excited, happy and worried and nervous at the same time. oh yea.. am i suppose to tell her all my secrets too? lol (man...this one don't make sense either) :/ guess it will have to do. wa alaikum asalam warahmatullah p.s in need of your replies so that i can practice on any advice given before hand :) |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Barraa |
| 12/30/02 at 01:34:33 |
| Sister Anoymous... :-) She is like your sister. Tell her if you wish. Walahi i don't know how its like because i have only 1 brother unmarried and seven sisters. But i hear many stories of women who have jealousy in the because of their bro'z wives'. I say that you talk to her like a sister and try not to anger her (your brother may end up angry at you too!) tell her secrets if you think she won't go tell everyone or your brother and if you don't tell her secrets it not a must to tell her. just make your brother feel that he has an awesome wife and let her know that you would love to be there for her. how old are you exactly, r u married? r u that much older than you 10 yr old sis? well i sure hope my advice to you works. if i'm not clear then email me at barraa89@hotmail.com and let me know. i don't have a problem in telling you the islamic view of this. or just private mail me then? let me know it this helped you a bit. [slm] |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| M.F. |
| 12/30/02 at 07:12:40 |
| Assalamu alaikum! I can tell you're really excited and nervous to be getting a sister in law :) I think one thing you can do after you get to know her (see if you're compatible) is to give her hints on how things work in your family, what your brother likes, stories about him when he was a kid (without embarrassing him) etc, just to let her know, not to make her feel like she has to do everything that way. Also things about different family members if there's a particularity she should know etc, things that your brother might not have thought to tell her... As for telling her secrets... .well, just so you know they might wind up being told to your brother, unless you're really specific about them beign secrets. Remember, it's her and your bro who form a couple, and wives tend to tell their hubbys everything :) The main thing I think is just to make her feel welcome. |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Barraa |
| 12/30/02 at 21:43:59 |
| Sister M.F. that was really good advice for her. it could help especially about wives saying everything to their hubbies........?....that was a good one and sister keep away from all sins. there is this girl here who made her sis in law hate her own husband (the *girls bro) i think they are divorced noiw but that girl called the imam of the masjid and asked how she could say she is sorry and ask for forgivness from allah. i don't know what happened now but this could anyone in deep danger, but this isn't our topic... :| |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/01/03 at 17:37:41 |
| Assalam alaikum warahmatullah 38 days left Inshallah!!! jazakallah khair veryy much for your replies :) Inshallah i'll make good use of the advice given. Mashallah you lot are awesome :) sis Baraa wow! Mashallah you have 7 sisters, that must be great! i'm gonna be 16 soon Inshallah. its not the gap difference between me and my lil sis that stops me from telling her stuff, its cause i think shes still young and won't understand, if you get what i mean? thats another thing, i have to work on.. how i say things, and making sure they make sense, hehe. sis M.F jazakallah khair for that, i'll keep that in mind inshallah and bring it up when we're in silence, lol. i don't really have any secrets, but i just brought it up, just in case a time comes when i do :) ok so to sum it all up.... don't tell her things i don't want my brother to know, won't anger her, generally shes like my sister, and i treat her like one. May Allah reward you wonderful sisters, and grant you success in this life and the next...Ameen. your advice is much appreciated :) if theres any more advice anyone could give, all is welcome. wa alaikum asalam warahmatullah p.s are there islamic views on this? |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| SisNur |
| 01/01/03 at 23:38:43 |
| [slm] Anon ... i just have to say something here - WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT !!! ;D My 1 and only big bro is getting married pretty soon and i'm also like ??? ??? ??? how's its gonna be? She'll be staying with us, InsyaAllah and i'm not really sure how to 'handle' this - she being a VERY quiet lady ... and me - 'the loud one!!!' - just dunno whether we can 'click'? i have 5 sisters - but i don't think that sisters & sister-in-law are the same right??? i mean, you can just blurt out anything abt your bro to your sisters but i don't think you can do the same to your sis-in-law rite? ::) BTW, i have to thank you for posting this cos i got a lot of 'tips' from here ;) Wassalam :-) nora |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| theOriginal |
| 01/07/03 at 09:07:17 |
| [slm] OMG little sister woes. (Please read the following in a dramatic fashion..it's more humorous that way.) Sheesh....I'm in the same boat...but a little bit more panic stricken then you guys. I have a very strong feeling I'm not going to like my sister-in-law, because we hardly have anything to say to eachother. My sister (being older, newly married, and hence wiser) tells me I'm jealous, and that she gets along perfectly well with the bhabs. ('Bhaabi' being the urdu word for your brother's wife.) My sister (who also, conveniently, lives 500 miles away) says that it'll be just like having her (my sis) back in the house. The bhabs is also YOUNGER than me....which is semi-annoying on more than one level. I have tried hinting to my brother that I'm having coping problems...but he's so thick, he doesn't get it. He keeps saying "yeah yeah she's a little immature, isn't she?" (A little?!!! A LITTLE?!!!!!) Since my brother and I live alone, she'll be moving into our house, and I'll HAVE to be in her face all the time...and I'm a very non-conversive person to begin with. Thankfully, I'll only have one semester left (InshaAllah) by the time they get married...and then I'll run away to live with ma sis. :D In the meantime, whenever I call, our conversation drrraaaaggggsss.... Maybe I just scare her or something. So I keep praying to Allah so that He may help me like her...because this is really a very serious matter. Her family just seems so keen on parading around my bro, it really makes me ill. I told my mom what I think of the situation, and my mom thinks this will be a good experience for me. My reaction to that is the following: ? My little brother agrees with me. My father just laughed. Hmph. My sister thinks I'm neurotic. I think she's right. Ignore me... I think I need some comfort food. ;) May Allah bless your brother's marriage, anonymous, and may you and your sister-in-law have a very happy, healthy relationship....Ameen SF. |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Aurora |
| 01/07/03 at 13:32:02 |
| Aww you guys, my sympathies are with you, never fear. But something that might help you out, is to try looking at it from your bhabi's (sister in law's) eyes, I mean after all they are coming into a whole new world, a whole new situation, leaving whats familiar to them (parents, siblings ) to a different environment, that they may or may not be familiar with, and that might make it difficult. Original :), will I was reading your account, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps your future bhabi, who you mentioned is younger than you might feel a little intimidated by you, and by perhaps the situation i.e. being married to your older brother while at the same time being younger than you. Just some rambling thoughts, if they dont make sense, ignore them ;) |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Nazia |
| 01/08/03 at 10:36:57 |
| slm, I too was recently blessed with a sister-in-law, and I'm also married--so I'm a "bhabi" as well...and having been on both sides of the situation...I'd just like to offer some comments. I'll come at it from both angles. Being the new family member, ie "the bhabi" First of all, anon--nice attitude! Seriously there is almost nothing more comforting to a new member of the family then a warm, welcoming, exciting attitude from the siblings and parents of her hubby. When you enter in to a new family, you notice EVERYTHING...If a member of the fam doesn't smile at you, you wonder if maybe there is something wrong. If you see two family members whispering, you assume its about you. This may not be fair, but you have to remember--we're new! We don't know how your family works, we don't know the chemistry between the siblings, we don't know anything! We just left our own families and ventured into something brand new. Now the next category.. Being the "sister" I'm going to give some advice that my mother gave me when my brother got married (I wasn't married at the time). She said that the relationship that I have with my sister-in-law was totally dependent on me. And that it was MY responsibility to take the first step, my responsibility to make her feel welcome. Because if we--as her husband's family, didn't show her love and respect first, then why should we ever expect to be loved and respected by her? And its true--think of being a guest at someone's house that you don't know that well. You'll wait for them to offer you things, for them to let you know where you're gonig to sleep, what you're going to do ..etc...you wouldn't feel comfortable barging in, and doing everything yourself. This is similar, she'll wait for your move... So basically....the most important thing--be nice! Very nice. Even if you doo feel annoyed by her or anything--definitely don't tell your brother, but also don't let her know, just try to get over it. I know it sounds stupid, but if she's really not doing anything unislamic, or hurting your brother, then there's really nothing else for us to do BUT get over it. Here's the bottom line....this woman is going to be closer to your brother than anyone in the world, 1000's times closer than you could ever be to him, and we have to accept that. My advice would be...especially to theOriginal who actually lives with her brother--never do anything to undermine their relationship. Never think you know more about your brother than she does...Of course you'll probably know more about his childhood, experiences etc...you may even know his likes and dislikes better than her, but ultimately, she will learn all of these things, and many many many more. If you see her making tea for your bro in the morning, don't tell her she's doing it wrong, but if you really feel like you have to--do it with tact. "Oh, he takes 2 tsp sugar now? Wow...he used to take three, you must be having a good impact on him :) " Or whatever..you get the point :) Just never undermine her position as his wife. theOriginal--you're in a tough spot, but really its in your hands to make it work ....Of course it goes both ways..I'm not saying it doesnt, but you should make the first effort. And also, when they first get married, try to be out of the house as much as possible! This might help. Married couples are weird when they first get married. And seeing your brother like that may freak you out. Trust me...i was totally weirded out seeing my bro all lovey dovey with someone. Just give them their space...do your own thing for awhile. Don't forget that she's also gonig to probably feel weird living with her husband's sister. Anyways, sorry to go on for so long. Good luck to you all... Nazia |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| theOriginal |
| 01/08/03 at 22:00:43 |
| [slm] Wow. Thank you sis Aurora....you're probably right. Sis Nazia....believe it or not, that was wonderful advice. Never imagined I would be an evil "nund" ;D ...I always knew it would be difficult, because my bro has always been my hero...but still...this is crazy, and they aren't even married yet. But you're right...the responsibility is on me, because she's already going to be making so many adjustments in her life. [quote]Here's the bottom line....this woman is going to be closer to your brother than anyone in the world[/quote] Right there. That line....really hit home. Thank you. Wasalaam. SF. |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| M.F. |
| 01/09/03 at 06:27:14 |
| Assalamu alaium Original, I just wanted to add to what Nazia said. Don't try to hint any more to your brother about not coping or to anyone else about not liking her. When you see it from her perspective, here she is getting married to the man she loves, and his sister is trying to ruin things from the beginning cause she doesn't like her. You're going to have to either accept the situation like it is, and do your best to "be nice" and keep telling yourself that she's the one your brother picked, and it has nothing to do with you either way, or you decide to not cope and then you'll just be seen as mean :'( In any case, you have to remember that it's going to be THEM first and then you. She's not coming to live with you and your bro, you're going to be living with your bro and his wife, see what I mean, so I think the best thing to do is going to be trying to be nice to each other, work out household tasks between you (so neither one of you feels likea slave of the other) and try to remember that your brother chose her and she chose your brother and they're madly in love :) now ain't that sweet? :P Just accept it :) |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| theOriginal |
| 01/09/03 at 10:39:32 |
| [slm] OMG! You guys I'm not evil...I'm not going to make the poor girl's life a misery. And actually, the way it's working is that my parents' son, their daughter-in-law, and their daughter will be living in THEIR house...otherwise I'm sure if it was my bro's house, my parents wouldn't let me live there after they got married. For reasons of etiquette, or something. And (lol..M.F. you really made me laugh)...I'm not ruining things for her, because I love my brother, and I would never hurt her, since it would directly hurt him. (Catch my endless drift?) I guess I'm a little offended by her and her family's attitude, for reasons I wouldn't mention here. But, yeah I'm working on it. I try to be a fairly flexible and easy-going person, so just as long as their demands don't get out of hand, I can keep quiet. But there are actually PHYSICAL reasons for me voicing my opinion...especially to my bro. And InshaAllah, things will work out. Thank you for your advice. Remember me in your duaas. SF. |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/09/03 at 18:37:01 |
| [wlm] wow!!!! you lot are about to have a sister in law too?? so i'm not on my own, and you lot are going through the same thing as me then :-* i feel much better knowing that you're in the same boat as me. i was talking to my sis in law over the internet a few minutes ago and you know...it wasn't that bad, except that there were big chunks of silence that kept comming and thats when i begin to feel real nervous and begin to panic! i even spoke to her on the phone..3 times now, it wasn't exactly a conversation but ... me: 'assalam alaikum' her:'wa alaikum asalam' (telepone line not that good) her: how are you? me: alhamdullilah and you? her: fine me: *silent* her: (asks something in urdu) and i hand the phone back to my mum. phew! its over..lol another thing is that i find it much easier talking over the internet, cause its easier than talking face to face, and better than talking on the phone! i'm gonna have to get used to talking to her, and make up something to talk about when the sense of silence comes. [quote]i mean, you can just blurt out anything abt your bro to your sisters but i don't think you can do the same to your sis-in-law rite? [/quote] right :) [quote]May Allah bless your brother's marriage, anonymous, and may you and your sister-in-law have a very happy, healthy relationship....Ameen[/quote] jazakallah khair sis..Ameen! you know it isn't really that bad, cause once you've talked to her the first time the rest is a piece of cake. (i hope) :-* sis nur and sis original.. May Allah bless your brothers marriage and may Allah makethings easy for you and grant you a good realtionshipbetween yourself and your sis in law..Ameen. i've become much more confident after reading all the replies. jazakallah khair all :-) |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Kathy |
| 01/09/03 at 18:56:27 |
| [slm] [quote]it wasn't exactly a conversation but ... me: 'assalam alaikum' her:'wa alaikum asalam' (telepone line not that good) her: how are you? me: alhamdullilah and you? her: fine me: *silent* her: (asks something in urdu) and i hand the phone back to my mum. phew! its over..lol [/quote] ha ha! This is the only conversations I have! i am so greatful to hand the phone over!.. I figure they want to talk to their son, brother anyway! |
| Re: how to be a good sis in law? |
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| Ghetto_Hijabi |
| 01/09/03 at 19:09:57 |
| Salaam, I'm just gonna shoot out some stuff..and then you gals have to tell me if it makes sense or not! ;) Is it possible to analyze your current relationships with sisters/ female cousins and see how you relate to them...you know sort of pick up pointers from your own experience with other females? Sure..the relationship with that person is new..but maybe you can bring in stuff that you've learned from your past relationships and implement them into the "new" relationship to make the transition better?...? |
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