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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| the best way to forgive |
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| sunset |
| 01/10/03 at 05:52:01 |
| [slm] I believe as normal people most of us are not safe from making mistakes in this life. Though we learn new things from the mistakes as experiences, there is also a possibility that we could have hurt others from the mistakes unintentionally. So it is encourage for us to learn to forgive and forget these mistakes cause holding grudge will not change anything but will only keep distance between us which is not good for our brother/sisterhood in islam. I found 2 hadith from our beloved Prophet [saw] which are :- *Be pardonable amongst yourselves so that your minds remain free of malice & spite.* *A person who controls his passion is the mightiest being , while he who forgives after having power is the most tolerant & human* Assuming someone ask you to forgive them for what they did to you or you asking forgiveness for what you could have done to them, what is the best way to forgive? Usually when I asked or gave forgiveness, I like to add the word wholeheartedly which means to forgive and forget unconditionally. I like to share my personal experience about forgiveness which happened to me recently. I stressed the word wholeheartedly when giving forgiveness and wished the same from a friend. We had a mutual agreement about this wholeheartedly and I was so happy and relieved that we have nothing against each other anymore. About 2 weeks later, due to some misunderstanding, the person who forgave me wholeheartedly and I had a minor dispute :( and suddenly this person started bringing out the old stories which supposed to be included in the 'i forgave for ALL that happened ...wholeheartedly' i was so puzzled and asked what does wholeheartedly suppose to mean? the answer given to me was "i said I forgave you but that does not mean i will forget" .. i was like :o am i missing something here ? ::) i was quite upset to learn that wholeheartedly could mean otherwise for other people :( does these mean the forgiveness given to me is not valid? am i still considered not forgiven and still owing a real forgiveness from this person. i fear cause i heard that if we owe someone, we have to ask their forgiveness before Allah could forgive us. :'( [wlm] :-) |
| Re: the best way to forgive |
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| Caraj |
| 01/14/03 at 18:09:26 |
| Hi Sunset. Thank you for sharing this. I hate to admit such a weakness but I have been guilty of remembering a past wrong when angered by the same person again. Then theres that old saying I can forgive but can't forget. Others say if you don't forget you have not truly forgiven. yet others may say forgiveness is not holding against another yet remembering so as to be alert to future things. My question is if I remember a hurt (as I am guilty of) have I truly forgiven??? hmmmm :( now you have me thinking but this is a good thing. Example: I have an adult son who is verbally abusive toward both me and his wife yet is kind in many other ways and would give you the shirt off his back. ... When he verbally abuses my daughter (I don't use the in law word) I tell him to stop and when he tells me to mind my own business I tell him if he does it in my presence then he makes it my business ;) If he mistreats me I don't answer his calls and don't invite him over for a while. I forgive him but I remember. I use what disapline is available to me since he is an adult and that is seperation. If the abuse is on the phone I say nothing and hand the phone to my hubby ;D You should see how fast the call ends (hehe) |
| 01/14/03 at 18:12:59 |
| Caraj |
| Re: the best way to forgive |
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| Emerald |
| 01/15/03 at 20:02:24 |
| I think truly forgiving is something only someone Prophet-like can do. For me personally, I had someone hurt me badly and I said I'd forgive this person but that I'd never forget. I never mentioned what had happened again but sometimes those feelings of anger in me rise up again out of no where and I can't help but saying to myself, no way I would ever forgive this person in my heart. SO that's the thing. It takes ALOT of years to make you forget and therefore forgive but as long as you remember - it's not gonna happen. :( |
| Re: the best way to forgive |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 01/17/03 at 07:23:39 |
| I think u have to be a very strong person and a very developed mature one to be able to truly forgive. Like many ppl I'm one of those who say I forgive u (but I don't kw if I really mean it even when I say it), but that I can never forget. It's a shameful thing to say but that's the way it is with me. I'm also one of those who if some1 hurts me I'll remember all the other hurtful things they've done to me in the past, but I don't necessarily bring it up with them. I know to forgive someone completley is something really hard to do, but insh'Allaah we'll be one of those ppl who insh'Allaah can rise above such stuff and truly forgive without any other negative emotion or thought attached. But does it not also say in Islaam that u shouldn't hold suspicion about anyone else? But then isn't that what we do, becuase we become more weary and cautious around ppl who have hurt us?? So in a way we do become suspicious of them? |
| Re: the best way to forgive |
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| Aurora |
| 01/19/03 at 23:43:05 |
| I've learned the hard way that its foolish to forget. You must forgive, otherwise you can't really move forward, your soul just seems to freeze up. There is that saying that floats around 'Forgive and forget'. And I used to believe that, I used to believe that if I didn't forget, that would somehow mar my forgiveness in that when I would see a particular person I would remember what had passed between us, and sometimes that would make me think of all those old wounds. But thats okay, as long we dont let ourselves hold those memories against them. Because those memories are lessons for us, as are all of the things that come to pass in our lives - right? I mean afterall we live, we learn. And when you forget, you're forgetting those lessons, and sometimes setting yourself up for a fall time and time again. Does that make sense? Here let me use the vase metaphor ;) Say you have a vase sitting on a table, one day the vase falls to the floor and breaks into dozens of pieces. Now that vase represents a relationship. Its broken at the moment, but all of the pieces are still there lying on the floor, you have two choices, you can either pick up the pieces and put the vase back together again, or you can leave the pieces where they are - on the floor. Now if you choose to pick up the pieces and put the vase back together again, granted it will not be the same, it will be different, there's going to be cracks in that vase, and they will always be there reminding you of what took place, perhaps even cautioning you against letting the vase fall again. But if you leave those jagged pieces on the floor, they are going to be a source of pain and misery everytime you walk that way. Moreover the sooner you resolve to forgive the easier it is, because as time passes the pieces will scatter in different directions and perhaps be lost. Just a little food for thought :) |
| Forgive and Forbear |
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| Barr |
| 01/22/03 at 01:16:04 |
| Assalamu'alaikum, Dear sister, I wondered about this Forgive and Forget issue too... Alhamdulillah, this verse helped me to understand forgiveness better.... [color=blue] "O you who believe! Truly among your wives and children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves, so beware of them. But if you forgive and overlook, and cover up (their faults), verily Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful" Surah Al Taghabun 64:14[/color] In some other translations, they include the word "forbear"... to forgive and forbear. As mentioned by other brothers and sisters, the feeling of being wronged or the act itself is sometimes too strong to be forgotten, though forgiveness has already being given. But wot is a possible test of our forgiveness, is whether we have the patience and forbearance, to overlook their faults, to not rake up the past and to look ahead. And this is a difficult thing to do. When we reflect upon such a beautiful act towards those whom we love, it sheds light on how merciful Allah has been towards us. Afterall, He is Al-Haleem, The Most Forbearing. He could've punished us for every wrong deeds that we have done, and the arrogance that we might have shown, but yet, He is Forbearing, and give us respite and time to be guided and change. Perhaps, we should give the chance to those who have wronged and hurt us too. My 2 cents... forgive... and forbear. Wassalam P.S. Sister Sunset, if she said she did forgive, inshaAllah, she does :) Sometimes, things are too difficult not to forget. But the test of friendship is not the happy moments that is spent together, but the difficult times and the rough spots. Hope yours would gain strength, as you get to know each other, inshaAllah. :) |
| 01/22/03 at 01:18:24 |
| Barr |
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