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Convincing my Parents?

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Convincing my Parents?
Anonymous
01/18/03 at 07:43:07
Assalam Alaikum,

I'm posting this plea for help because I don't know where else I can go.  Around a year
and a half ago, this family called for my rishta/proposal. It was quite a shock to my
parents as they did not know the people at all. After the phone call, I told my parents that
I was interested in this brother and that it was his family that had just called.  Let's
just say, this did not go over so well.  My parents went on about how I was still in
university and that they were not even thinking about me getting married.  I learned in this
conversation that my mom had told the aunty on the phone that "I wasn't ready" and that
they had no intention of getting me married at the moment.  So..things settled..there was
no communication at all between the two parties..yet the inner struggle between my family
and myself began.  They were trying to get me to "open my eyes" and not settle for this
brother and ONLY this brother.  There were also issues of ethnicity.  I tried explaining
to them that I didn't care about ethnicity, that all I cared about was the brother being a
good muslim, Allah fearing individual who would respect my family and shared the same
values as I.  Alhamdulilah this brother has all of these qualities plus so many more!

In August of 2002, there was a call, the brother's mom was calling just to reiterate the
proposal. Once again my mother told them about not having any intention..and also a new
excuse- that since both my siblings got married to family out of the country, she would
have to settle them down first before even considering anything.  After that phone call,
just out of the blue my mom decides to invite the bro and his family over for
introductions...Alhamdulilah that went okay...but then another issue arose- Are they "stricter"? This
came about because both the bro's mother and sister wear jelbabs & I don't.  I don't have
a problem with them wearing the jelbab....just because I don't wear a jelbab..but still
follow proper Islamic dress doesn't mean I'm less of a muslim or anything like that.  
So..this became another issue which has gone in circles...

After this visit, we were invited to the bro's house about 1.5 months later. We went
there, and it was fun..I enjoyed myself...and Alhamdulilah there weren't anymore complaints..
( I was told straight up that if there was anything that was not liked, my siblings would
bring it to "everyone's attention" ie: on the car ride home).

Okay so a few weeks later aunty calls and asks my mom what she thinks and stuff..and my
mom was like oh..I can't tell in just two meetings and that since my siblings just got
married to family that live out of the country we have to settle them first before
considering anything.  What does "settle them" mean exactly?

One of the few things that have gotten me so frustrated is that they've tried to ignore
the fact that I'm interested in someone, and that someone is interested in me..and that
they haven't even gone about getting more information about them until just this month.  My
family was always complaining about not know these people, but yet at the same time they
were doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to find out about them!!!  In the first conversation with
this  bro's mom, my mom said that I was still in school and that education was really
important. Fine..I want to finish university...and Alhamdulilah I'm in my last semester...AND
now..they've gone and changed their minds...saying they need to settle my siblings....  
It seems like no one cares about what I want and what I'm going through...everything has
to go according to what they want.  They haven't even tried talking to the brother one on
one.  They also keep pulling out excuses and biases against these poor people who don't
have a clue about what's going on at my end. I've prayed and prayed and tried to remain
patient in these trying times...but sometimes I just get so fed up with everything....

Can anyone give me any help whatsoever? I'll be ever so grateful. May Allah swt never
ever test you in the matter of marriage...it is quite difficult. :(
Re: Convincing my Parents?
jannah
01/19/03 at 02:39:35
[slm]

Well sister I'm not sure what exactly you're asking? Is it that you want to convince your parents to let you marry this brother? If so, perhaps you can go to other relatives in the family or aunties/uncles, imams, ppl your parents respect in the community, that kind of thing.

But my advice to you-- parents rarely change their minds so if it's not going to happen they should put the other family out of their misery and let that poor boy find someone else to marry and that includes you letting it go as well.

Re: Convincing my Parents?
Aurora
01/19/03 at 22:57:39
Just a thought that came to mind while I was reading about your situation, maybe try something a little different, sit down with your parents and ask them to list the reasons why they are opposed to this marriage, and if it is like you said mainly the matter of ethnicity - ask them why thats important,etc. and if they think it is right to prevent marriage to that brother on those grounds alone, of course as your parents it seems they have that right - but ask them if they think it is 'okay' to do that. Also here's the 'try something a little different' ask them what kind of person it is they want you to marry, characteristics, etc. You mentioned your siblings having just been recently married, how do they feel about your situation? and how do they feel about the 'excuse' of having to get them settled before your parents can think about your marriage? (i'm not saying to answer all those questions here - i'm just throwing things out there to think about). Like Jannah said, find someone your parents respect and trust to speak for you, an imam, a close family friend, etc.. But also, its better to come to a decision quickly not to let things drag out for long, you can ask your parents for a straight answer, so that both you and that brother can get on with your lives. Sometimes we just have to accept that things aren't going to go our way, be strong and be patient sister, and always remember that everything that comes and goes in our fragile lives does so with the will of Allah subhana wa ta'ala, and that this temporary life is nothing but a test for us.
Re: Convincing my Parents?
Anonymous
01/21/03 at 17:55:29
Assalam Alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

I have just recently found out that my mom has asked an aunty about this bro's family.  
I'm so afraid of things going wrong after all of this.  I wish my family would stand
behind me, but I'm afraid it's me, myself, and I. Alhamdulilah, I suppose my mom taking the
initiative to query about the family is a good thing; this is the second time this has
happened, as a distant cousin was asked to query some of the people he knew to find out more
about the brother.  A proposal is not supposed to drag on like this is it?  
Re: Convincing my Parents?
Anonymous
01/22/03 at 16:53:30
[slm]
I understand how you feel, because i went through the same thing about a year back
In my case my mother was against it and didnt even consider the proposal, they wanted a
partner from their own ethnicity as well as the same geographic locations,although the
proposal was the best I could ever get (at least in my eyes)

The main thing is being sure on what one wants,are you sure its this brother for you?
My parents asked me a few questions for which I had no answer for I wasnt sure whether
the proposal was coming from the person or family? and it was a bolt from the blue and I
could never understand why me?(though I was plesantly surprised) The moral of the story is
Be sure of what you want? is this the brother you are looking for and no one else? Or you
are interested in this brother but will yeild to the pressure

Once you have decided that this is the brother you need to speak to your parents about it
and if you deal with a little Sabr and stubborness ;) Inshallah your parents can be
brought around remember both of you (if you want to marry each other for the sake of Allah swt
)should be strong and willing to be patient Inshallah .If thats not the caseno ASK
(insist)your parents to communicate the answer in negative as soon as soon as possible(your
lucky for I had to do it myself  :( )


The most important thing is to ask Allah swt to grant your wish with AAfiyath for he is
the only  one who can truly bring this difficulty to pass

Not as a discouragement but as a lesson(to know what you want  stand firm and  be
patient)I would like to let you know that Iam still single and will stay the way for a long time
to come

Please pray for me and all the Ummah

May Allah swt help you

Ameen
[wlm]


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