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Gift etiquette???

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Gift etiquette???
Shahida
01/20/03 at 06:13:47
[slm]

Hope everyone is doing well, inshaAllah.  I have a little dillemma dealing with gifts/presents etc...

The main thing is that a sister I did not know well offered me a really expensive gift, something I would not even have bought for myself.  She gave it to me, I said I couldnt take it, she insisted, I said "No, really, thanks so much, but I cant" then she insisted and I thought it would be really rude to say no, so I accepted.  

The way I have always worked is that I dont wanna be rude and say no, as I feel bad when people refuse my gifts.

So was I wrong to accept this?  Is si possible that she was playing that game of "no no please accept it!! i insist!!!" but all the while she was expecting me to say "no no no, I CANT", until she would let me win the game and she would get to keep the "thing"...

I know it just sounds so weird, but I live in a community where people say "come home!" all the time, but that is basically a common decency, they never actually mean for you to visit them, and would be very insulted should you actually pitch up at their front doors...

Like I said, I dont know her well, so maybe I am just making a mountain out of a mole-hill here...

Islamically speaking, I have been taught that you should accept gifts given.  

mmm,

salam
Shahida
Re: Gift etiquette???
M.F.
01/20/03 at 07:32:38
Assalamu alaikum
why would she have offered it to you if she wanted to keep it for herself?  If she wanted it she would have just gotten it for herself.  Right?  Did she offer it on a special occasion or just out of nowhere? In any case, you're right, most people feel bad if their gift is rejected.  Maybe she really likes you even though you don't know her very well, or maybe she feels that you're closer than you actually are.  Maybe she got gifts for several people...
but I think you did the right thing by accepting it, and even though you don't quite understand why, try to see it in the best light and to have "husn adhdhun" about the w hole thing.
Re: Gift etiquette???
Anonymous
01/21/03 at 17:58:01
Assalamu alaikum!

Here is another twist on the gift ettiquette. What if you really like a sister or for
some reason feel generous towards her. I feel that if I give too many gifts to someone they
might think I am trying to buy them out, when really its because of their place in my
heart which causes me to remember them and bring things for them

Any advice?
Re: Gift etiquette???
Aurora
01/21/03 at 20:37:23
Anon - my advice to you is to just be moderate:) i.e. sometimes when we get a little carried away, we dont realize that we might be making the other party feel uncomfortable - as the first post in this thread shows.
Re: Gift etiquette???
A_Stranger
01/22/03 at 13:47:20
[slm],

Interesting.  ;D

May I ask a question? What would you get for a *really really* good friend of yours? (and your friend is female of course). You know you're never going to see her again and you've known this person for donkey's years - what would you get her as a gift? I know it depends on what this person likes etc...but I dunno..I'd be greatful for some suggestions.
Jazakumullah khairan.

Re: Gift etiquette???
Saffiyah
01/22/03 at 14:32:59
[slm]

[quote]If a friend, a relative, or an acquaintance gives you a gift, thank them as soon as possible regardless of the value of the gift. It is a good manner to show warm appreciation for such a kind gestureand if you can, reciprocate with an appropriate gift. The Prophet  [saw] said: "Whoever does you a favour then reward him, if you cannot reward him, then pray for him." Surah Al Zumar 39:9
The hadith calls upon the receivers to reciprocate, within their means. The reward means a gift equivalent to that received, if that is not possible, a simple gift will do, and if that is not possible, then a sincere prayer would suffice.

It is recommeded that the reward be better than the original gift. It is the essence of Islamic manners to return a nice gesture with a better one. A man brought Imam Abu Hanifa a gift worth ten dirhams, and the Imam presented him with a gift worth five hundered dirhams. The man was surprised and said: "But Imam, my gift was little, about a tenth of your gift.""Your gift is more valuable," the Imam answered, "You remembered me while I forgot you, I remembered you only after you had given me your gift. So your gift is better."

It is a bad manner to receive a gift and remain silent without a word of thanks, as if it is your due right to be presented with gifts.
It is equally ill mannered to delay showing your gratitude to a later time or until you are reminded of the gift. [/quote]

This was from a book I'm reading called Islamic Manner by Shaykh Abdul Fattah Abu Ghudda. I would definitely recommend it.

Forgive me for any mistakes, spelling errors.

For my lil stranger....hmm suggestions  :-[

I would probably get something that she may have mentioned that she wanted, but never could get...or something that has a lot of meaning between u 2...it could be something relatively simple but only u and ur friend would understand its significance.
Another thing which i wud think to give is a book. Books give u knowledge, and passing knowledge onto others will be rewarded inshaAllah.

Am all out of ideas..for the moment  :P

[wlm]
Re: Gift etiquette???
Saffiyah
01/22/03 at 14:44:50
[slm]

[quote author=Shahida link=board=sis;num=1043061228;start=0#0 date=01/20/03 at 06:13:47]
The main thing is that a sister I did not know well offered me a really expensive gift

I know it just sounds so weird, but I live in a community where people say "come home!" all the time, but that is basically a common decency, they never actually mean for you to visit them, and would be very insulted should you actually pitch up at their front doors...

[/quote]

I know what u mean when ppl say come over..but they dont really mean it. But mayb this sister gave u a present as an invitation to get to know her. It is sad to see, but i know many sisters who dont really feel any sisterhood with other sisters, even if they live in a muslim area. Some people tend to distance themselves from others, even their own brothers and sisters in Islam.
There are many sisters who have reverted, or are practising Islam, but feel alienated from other sisters.
Exchanging gifts is a good way to bulid up those bonds and it could be the start of getting to know one another, inshaAllah.

[wlm]
Re: Gift etiquette???
Shahida
01/23/03 at 06:34:17
[slm]

Thanks to all the sisters who responded...

Well, turns out that all my friends (and other sisters) know about this chain that she gave me, and ask to see it.  Their "oohs and aaahs" about how lovely it is and how expensive, make me feel really awkward.  She gave it to me when we were alone, and I did not mention to anyone that she had given me anything, because she did not give anyone else a gift...

My only conclusion is that she told them about it.  What am I supposed to think of that?  

Making a gigantic mountain here, I know, but something is not kosher about this whole situation...(am trying to take the good advice and think the best though, inshaAllah)

Sorry for going on about something that may seem so insignificant, but your advice is always very much appreciated.

Salamat
Shahida

Re: Gift etiquette???
A_Stranger
01/23/03 at 08:27:50
[quote author=Saffiyah link=board=sis;num=1043061228;start=0#5 date=01/22/03 at 14:32:59]
I would probably get something that she may have mentioned that she wanted, but never could get...or something that has a lot of meaning between u 2...it could be something relatively simple but only u and ur friend would understand its significance.
Another thing which i wud think to give is a book. Books give u knowledge, and passing knowledge onto others will be rewarded inshaAllah.

Am all out of ideas..for the moment  :P

[wlm][/quote]

[wlm]

Good suggestions...I'll keep 'em in mind.  ;D

Jazakillah khair.

i love gift giving..
princess
01/23/03 at 11:22:08
as'salaamualikum ;D

a_stranger: i don't know if u're a boy or a girl, but if u're a girl, u can make something (if u're a boy, u can make something too ::), but u would not put as much effort into a gift ;))

anyways..for a dear friend of mine, i made a collage :-X but i put it on a cardboard box :) it was a bit bigger then a shoe box 8) and inside, i filled with all sorts of things that reminded me of my friend ;D candy, t-shirt, book :) and perhaps, a spin off of what saffiyah said, u can give a book, or perhaps even make a scrap book..:) and u can add hadith, qur'anic verses that u guys both liked, or she liked or whatever else :)
Re: Gift etiquette???
zomorrud
01/24/03 at 19:01:40
[color=blue]
bismillah..
assalamu alaikum,

shahida, i would also be uncomfortable in your situation.  

it is not good manners to go boasting about buying a gift
for someone.  but give her benefit of doubt, maybe others
found out in another way.

shortest way to figure this out is to confront the sister.  ask
directly what was this gift for and why does everyone seem
to know about it.  if you don't like the answer, simply say
that you don't feel that it is right for you to accept
such an expensive gift.  You can say that there are many
people who are poor and in more dire need for this gift than
you, and that you 'd find it heavy on your conscience to accept
it.  

take care
wasslam
[/color]

Re: Gift etiquette???
Angelic
01/24/03 at 20:09:50
Assalamu Alaikum, Shahida

I can totally understand your situation.  I live in a land (Tokyo) where the suggestion of coming to one's home or going out for lunch or dinner literally means goodbye and I hope we don't see each other again.  Obligations is implicitly embedded in Japanese culture which has attributed to their economic downfall, because a gift was never given from the heart but purely for obligations sake.

I don't know much about the relationship you have with your friend but it seems that you don't know each other very well and is she a muslim?

There are people who do have unislamic motives when giving a gift, I can only think that those who boast about it to other people is not so sincere in giving that gift.  To give a gift to someone is unconditional and nourishes a true friendship, in hardships a gift puts a smile on a friend.  The idea that your friend is thinking of you and spent time to look for something for  you is a blessing.

I am a person who likes to give gifts, only to my very special friends.  I have a friend who regularly comes to Tokyo who works for an airline, I always have something special for her and she always brings me something from home as well but we have had a long friendship with many ups and downs.  But I have friends who I know feel uncomfortable about it.

I certainly feel that you have a need to say something about this to your friend, and it will trouble you until you do.  I can relate to that too but you always have to think about what the consequences will be.    There are people out there who don't always know how to express themselves.  It may come from her heart but then her actions say otherwise.  Or maybe she is trying to justify herself to other people and/or find acceptance from others.

In a true friendship you have to be true to yourself and to your friend.  So chose your words carefully and be kind to yourself as well.  You could mention to her  that you felt uncomfortable that it was not her place to tell other people about a gift between you and her, or if you have the opportunity to see each other on other occasions, observe her behaviour with other people.  Perhaps there was no harm meant at all.

You are in my prayers.  God will show you the way.
Angelic











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