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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Marriage questions |
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| R2D2 |
| 01/23/03 at 18:24:07 |
| [slm] I'm looking to get married, and I have a couple questions that I hope you can help me with. I've got a whole list of questions about many things, such as how he deals with anger, money, etc. I'm going about my search for a husband on the Internet as I don't live near any masjid or Islamic center, and I'm the only Muslim in my family. I'm also trying to think of what I would like as my mahr, but I can't think of anything. Please help me. :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| Caraj |
| 01/24/03 at 00:47:01 |
| Salaam, I am not a Muslim (am in the learning stage) But I found my husband on the internet (not that I was looking) so wanted to offer s few ideas if I may. My husband and I emailed over a year. I am glad I got to know him and his heart and there was no dating pressure. It was great. I was divorced from my sons father over 20 yrs. My husband now was worth waiting for (even though I would of liked him to come along much sooner) :-X I'm not sure what is Islamically appropriate and I am sure others on the board can advise better. However, my advice in one word... PATIENCE ::) It will most likely be a bit hard as you say you are the only Muslim in your family and there is no one to assist you. But patience. If you have someone in mind and are corresponding by internet, maybe a perspective husband can give you his mothers, sisters and aunts emails and get to know him throught them. And if you have the slightest doubt!!!! WAIT. if something doesn't seem right, sound right or you have any reservations listen to them and WAIT. Ask many questions and if need be over and over again. And don't be in a hurry. And Pray for guidance. I wish you the best of luck and hope others on the board who are more knowledgable in refer to Islamic correctness can help. Just be patient, have a [] and I wish you well. |
| 01/24/03 at 00:51:03 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| sister2sister |
| 01/26/03 at 05:19:30 |
| Salaam R2D2 First and foremost, be careful when meeting people over the net, you never know what nutcase you might run into. But Allah (SWT) knows best. As for advice, the first thing you should know about the guy is how religious he is, (if he is a convert) how much of the religion has he studied. A wife should respect her husband and his authority, but that can't happen unless he is knowlegable in the deen and his/and his wife's rights. As for your mahr, so long as it's within his budget, it can be whatever you want or need, for example things that will make your married and family life easier. I even know some sisters who asked for the completion of their education. I pray the best for you in your search. Your sister in Islam |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| muslimah853 |
| 01/26/03 at 13:46:20 |
| [slm] [quote][/quote](if he is a convert) how much of the religion has he studied. Not to nitpick here, but one should ask this even if the person is not a convert. Sure, converts are starting from scratch, but there are plenty of people who are/were raised as Muslims, in Muslims countries even, who really do not know Islam. The level of knowledge and practice one finds in poeple varies greatly, whether they've been Muslims all of their lives or not. [wlm] |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| sister2sister |
| 01/26/03 at 20:28:30 |
| Salaam to all That is sooo true, how could I have goofed that one so badly. :P I know a lot of muslims that do not know and practice the deen as they should, and they come from muslim families and background. Thanks for the reminder :). Your sister in Islam |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| Cyma |
| 01/27/03 at 04:44:24 |
| [slm] Just thought I'd add here that even men who pray 5 times a day may not necessarily be ideal Muslim husbands. There are some people I know who perform Salah diligently, but the same people are also stingy, uncaring, brash, etc. Upbringing is very important, too. Good luck to you sis. I hope Allah (swt) guides you. My prayers are with you. |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| jaihoon |
| 01/27/03 at 05:21:32 |
| ahmm.. is it safe to say that a person is what his upbringing/parents/environment is? Especially when it comes to value-system, one definitely judges as per his upbringing. |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| Maliha |
| 01/27/03 at 08:18:14 |
| [quote author=Jaihoon link=board=sis;num=1043364248;start=0#6 date=01/27/03 at 05:21:32]ahmm.. is it safe to say that a person is what his upbringing/parents/environment is? Especially when it comes to value-system, one definitely judges as per his upbringing.[/quote] [slm] I don't know if a person is "definitely" his/her upbringing...There are Shuyukh with rebellious children, and Christian/Atheist families that yield the most righteous Muslim children. Although environment/parents do play a big role in shaping the child's future, the end result is his/her choices in life...and sometimes they can be quite contrary to where they come from... Jus' me two cents :p I think in looking for a spouse its important to look into the things you value and see if you are compatible. What is your vision of your future? Your children's lives? What kind of activities do you like? What kind of things can you sacrifice on and what kind of things you will not compromise on? etc etc. The thing about online relationships, its hard to know much else about the person aside from what they tell you...and that takes a leap of faith, to make a decision to marry someone just at face value. Make lots of duah Inshaallah Allah will guide you to your spouse (Amin). Sis, Maliha :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| Kathy |
| 01/27/03 at 08:45:27 |
| [quote author=Jaihoon link=board=sis;num=1043364248;start=0#6 date=01/27/03 at 05:21:32]ahmm.. is it safe to say that a person is what his upbringing/parents/environment is? Especially when it comes to value-system, one definitely judges as per his upbringing.[/quote] Absolutely not! I know of a righteous Muslimah... her sister is a repeated adultress, one brother in jail for stealing, another who does coke (drugs) and yet another who hasn't been caught. Her parents tho, were models of society..... go figure... Even in my family we have soe black sheep and skeletons... |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| Barr |
| 01/29/03 at 08:12:30 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :-) [quote]ahmm.. is it safe to say that a person is what his upbringing/parents/environment is? Especially when it comes to value-system, one definitely judges as per his upbringing. [/quote] The nature-nurture debate. :) I think more often than not, a person's upbringing/ parents/ environment etc would shape his nature. As Maliha said, its his choices in life that makes him accountable to wot he becomes. But wot Allah bestows on him, whether in the form of family, character, environment etc facilitates and orientates the person he can become. I've read a book by Abdullah Nasih Ulwan (Tarbiyatul Awlad), and he mentions that it is very important to choose someone of good lineage and upbringing as a spouse. This relates to the upbringing and the environment that will shape children born from the marriage, later on. I think that is a very important factor, but not the deciding factor. I think this relates to the example of Umar bin Abdul Aziz who is also termed as the 1st Mujadid (reformer) and the fifth khalifah, by some ulama. His great-grandfather is Umar Al Khattab (r.a), chose his grandmother for his son, Asim. She was a milkmaid, who had such a sterling character such that no matter how poor they are, she would not adulterate the milk eventhough she was incited by her mom to do so. I mean, to bring up a mujadid such as him, it seems that lineage and upbringing, do play a major role. But of course, I think the mistake happens when a person is judged by upbringing and lineage per say. At the end of the day, deen matters, when you look at both sides of the coin. Afterall, Umar Al Khatab (ra) was once a great enemy of Islam before he converted, and was never being brought up a Muslim. But wot a great man, he turned out to be, mashaAllah. As for the internet.. all I can say is be very careful. I've heard success stories, like Cara, alhamdulillah :) and I've heard of horror stories as well. Its not something that I would recommend, particularly for a new Muslim sister. I apologise if I am being too presumptous to think that you are new to Islam. I get very jittery and worried when new Muslim sisters get married soon after their conversion. But if you are, please do take the time to learn more about Islam first, and do get involved in a Muslim community before thinking of marriage. The thing is ... many Muslims have different "nuances" in their comprehension of Islam as well as practicing the deen. And sometimes, becoz, of little exposure to Muslims and Islam, we may not see these shades, and end up marrying someone whom we know we would not consider after learning Islam further... or we may find out that the man we marry is not who we thought he is. And the internet has many barriers that could further blurr out many important factors for consideration for marriage. I think we just need to work triply hard to find out more abt the person, do a background check, talk to people in his community who know him, give it more time, be very objective, be extra careful, and millions of du'a for Allah to protect us and give us guidance, inshaAllah. If I'm being confusing, pls do tell me.. coz, I'm having a headache now :) Take care, sister R2D2 (I like Star Wars too ;)). May Allah guide you towards a blessed marriage. Wassalam Oops! About Mahr.. it can be anything that you want. Money, jewellery, books, labourous work ;) But one of the best mahr is a mahr that does not impose hardship to dear hubby, inshaAllah :) I think there's a Mahr thread somewhere. I'm not as cool as se7en, you see ;) So, might need some assistance to get that thread up. |
| 01/29/03 at 08:31:11 |
| Barr |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| se7en |
| 02/04/03 at 01:58:54 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah, Internet relationships are pretty crazy, in my opinion :) There is intimacy yet distance, interaction yet lack of real communication. Your knowledge of a person is limited to the means of communication at hand, and even if you move beyond the net to other means of communication, your initial impressions are shaped by it, and your relationship will always be founded on these impressions. There's good in it - you come across people online you would never have the opportunity to meet in real life. You are able to speak, and speak more openly with someone online than face to face, especially if you are shy. With the lack of being in someone's physical company comes a forced distance, that may allow you to consider and weigh things more objectively, with less emotion/attachment. You have the opportunity to determine a person based on *who they are* and how they think - and not how they look or more exterior qualities. But there's bad in it too. You are not able to see how a person acts, speaks, lives their daily life, their manner or demeanor, as well as their physical appearance, which are all important for marriage. Attachment and emotions do get involved [hearts are the same, whether words are shared from fingertips or lips] - and this attachment may actually be worse than what would develop in real life interaction, as we let our guard down.. because you know, it's just words on a screen :P I think your specific situation determines whether the good outweighs the bad, or vice versa. My advice would be, do your research and find out what kind of person your prospective is outside the realm of the internet, how they act in their local community and family, so you can get a full understanding of them that will help you make an informed decision. Spend some time in real life interaction with them to learn his or her disposition and attitude. Think: Is this the person I want as my companion for the rest of my life? Will he/she encourage me in deen and help me in my path to Jannah, or be a hindrance? Is this the mother or father I want for my children? And also just to make duaa, whether it be istikhara, or just a short duaa that Allah guide your heart to what is best for you.. and the more you ask, the easier things are to deal with, for sure. may Allah make our spouses garments that hide our weaknesses, ennoble and ornament our good characterestics, and enwrap us in rahma. w'Allahu a'lam. wasalaamu alaykum :-) ps - unfortunately, I'm not able to find the thread on mahr :( |
| 02/04/03 at 09:15:50 |
| se7en |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| Abu_Hamza |
| 02/04/03 at 20:28:03 |
| Here's the famous mahr thread from the old board: http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=brothers&action=display&num=2288 |
| Re: Marriage questions |
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| se7en |
| 02/05/03 at 01:01:05 |
| as salaamu alaykum, Here's another thread on mahr that sis merimda pointed out to me (thanks chica :)) http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=4105 wasalaamu alaykum :-) |
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