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| Not pretty enough?? |
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| Shahida |
| 02/10/03 at 06:32:00 |
| [slm] The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster ride for several of my closest friends with regards to marriage and proposals etc. Alhamdulillah for everything, whether it worked out for them or not. There is however one particular situation I found very disturbing. I wanted to know just how widespread this "problem" is... One of my friends is, mashaAllah, a really good Muslimah, someone we all look up to and someone everyone loves to spend time with cuz you can just feel your spirits being lifted and she somehow always manages to remind us of what is important in this life, and to focus on doing the best we can for our Aakhirah. Anyway, we were all ecstatic when she received a proposal from a guy we had all heard about, that he was really religious, and they sounded really suited to each other. He contacted he Wali, they spoke, they agreed for him to call her, they got along really well on the phone and email, and then came the time for them to meet. Before the meeting, they exchanged photos and he was supposed to email the time he would be able to make it to visit her home and meet the family. He just NEVER called back. He NEVER emailed. She was just left like that, in limbo... What we could make of it was only ONE thing: he didn't like the way she looked and was not brave enough to even contact her wali (or email him) to let them know...:( The most upsetting thing about this situation is that they were REALLY COMPATIBLE on all levels, most importantly Islamically. Then he just let everything go because she was not beautiful enough??? Bare in mind that she is lovely looking, far from ugly/fat/whatever derogatory words people use :( She is no Cindy Crawford, but then again he aint no Brad Pitt either... I think I am the most upset about this because in the past if a brother rejected one of my friends on the basis of their exterior, then I would console them by saying, oh well, he wasn't that religious anyhow. What do I say now? Maybe this brother was not as religious as he professed or led on to be? Do "religious" men put SO much emphasis on looks in the first place? I know you are allowed to marry a woman for several reasons, including her beauty, but shouldn't the religious ones at lease know that her religion is most important? Or am I just being silly to think that a religious man would opt for a not-so-drop-dead-gorgeuous, but RELIGIOUS girl, as opposed to a drop-dead-gorgeous model who is not religious? Well, I know of areas in Palestine where the "black" girls (i.e those with dark hair) will not get proposals, whereas the girls with blond hair and blue eyes are married at 15 or 16. These are mostly religious men who ignore the dark-haired sisters, eventhough they are religious...:( Does this happen elsewhere? I dont even wanna get into South African society's quirks... And what about this: how would you feel if someone wanted to marry you JUST because of your hair/skin/eye colour or your external beauty? I would not look too favourably on a brother who was JUST interested in my looks...whatcha say? mmm, something to think about I guess and PRAY HARD about... Salamat Shahida |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| xahira |
| 02/10/03 at 07:22:23 |
| [slm] im always upset bout stuff like that, altho im sortof confused now coz since that make-up thread thing me n my friends hav been talking bout it alot n i duno... worries me more coz of the stories i heard from them too. thats probs y im always saying that men in general seem to only go for the outer appearance, n all my male friends were dissing me saying it aint tru n if it is then thats just human nature which women do too...blah blah all that bull. aint true coz im easily pleased... beard+kafnis+practicing = i wud love him completely more worrying rite now where i live is all the racism in my community... my cuzin sis wants to marry a black muslim brother but my family is too racist to accept it... but they didnt mind her aunty marrying an arab? n it was fine wen my dads sister married a bosnian guy? just makes me sick wen that happens. im not saying appearance is not important, but wat happend to ur friend shudnt b happening..... neways insha'Allah she'll hav a wonderful husband and wonderful life... Ameen |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| theOriginal |
| 02/10/03 at 08:41:56 |
| [slm] Sigh...come on girls...the low self-esteem has GOT to go. I know it's upsetting...ohhh how I know...but really in the grand scheme of things, it works out better this way, inshaAllah. I guess before I answer the issue at hand, I feel obligated to give some of you a pep talk. (Puts on her best coaching voice..) See here, anyone who makes you feel ugly (not even just physically, not just in a proposal scenario) is NOT worth it. Not worth your time, your effort, your energy, your peace of mind. Those are things that are invaluable to you, and you only. Even your parents, at some point, cannot do much to save you those four things....things I think we all secretly, if not openly, strive for. All of us are beautiful in our own ways. But more importantly, all of us are flawed. Like in the "Make-Up" thread, someone mentioned that there other facets to our being that we would like to be known for. (Not limited to women.) Even if I WAS Cindy Crawford (I hate using her as an example, but for the sake of consistency...), I would STILL hate to be known for my beauty or lack thereof. I would much prefer to be sought out for intellectual capacity, my personality, oh and my winning smile :) In the grand scheme of things, youthful beauty fades, and the funny thing is, it never mattered anyway. I guess it's the age, where everyone around you starts getting married (oh yes, they're all dropping like flies now), and everyone else seems to have a gazillion proposals, and there you are (i.e. I am), answering all the Auntie's questions with a "Oh no, pshhh I need my PhD first." (riiite) Auntie: But why do you need a PhD Me: *get off my case* I want to solve the problem of World Hunger A: *laff* When you get married it won't matter anymore. Me: *arghh!!!* heheh...you're right auntie. (then I run...usually go sit with the Uncles, where they are having a much more intellectually stimulating convo about politics or sports or the latest conspiracy theory) Now having said that, "looks" ARE an Islamic criterion...people ARE allowed to take that into consideration. Keeping that in mind, I would now like to comment on sis shahida's post. I'll tell you something funny...it reminds me of a similar situation I have been. And I went through an initial "oh my God, I'm oogly" phase, that I overcame very VERY quickly, because I realized I hate being depressed. Basically the return of this brother from some place in godknowswhere was very much anticipated, and some Auntie informed my mom that his parents were now searching for a girl, and that she thought I was a suitable match. So they set up a "meeting" with all 3 families (mine, his, and the mutual contact.) Things seemed okay...we even managed to have a decent conversation about combustion engines (don't ask.) And then they never called back. In tune with poetic justice, I ran into him at someone else's wedding. I was standing in line to get a pitcher of some carbonated beverage, and he was right in front of me. When he turned around, we both were so shocked that it took a few whole minutes to recover. I could tell he wanted to dissappear, so I had to let him know things were cool with a "Salaam...omgsoh how are you, you're S****, right? How did that job thing work out for you? Oh MashaAllah that's excellent...well I gotta run." And my attitude is, it didn't work out for the better, inshaAllah. Maybe I'm really supposed to solve the problem of World Hunger first ;) Cheer up....you all have perfect matches waiting for you somewhere, inshaAllah. Don't look for them, let them find you. With much love, SF. |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| sista |
| 02/10/03 at 21:39:19 |
| [slm] The Prophet [saw] said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." [Bukhari, Muslim] There is another hadith to the effect of: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." (Unfortunately I can't reference this one - help would be muchly appreciated here :-[) Anyway the point I'm making is this - a [i]practising[/i] Muslim brother loves Rasullullah [saw] more than anyone else, which means he hangs on his every word, obeys every bit of advice eagerly as far as he can. Therefore he will be aware of the above. Further, he will be aware of Rasullullah [saw]'s injunctions to adopt good akhlaaq in public and in private. He will [i]not[/i] leave anyone "in the limbo" like that. If being "religious" means a cute beard, thawb and kufi, well you can teach a parrot the Quran and dress it up too! If "religious" means someone whose heart the deen has permeated, then that bro's behaviour was [i]not[/i] religious - it was downright rude! (unless of course he had a valid reason for being unable to reply) Heads up sisters! Like TheOriginal rightly said - you're [i]all[/i] beautiful. Don't forget Allah's admonition to men regarding their women: "...if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good" [Quran 4:19] Meaning that there is something good and therefore lovable in [i]all[/i] of you. Nurture it, let it blossom forth, and then you will be worthy of an equally good and pious Muslim brother. "And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[Quran 24:26] As for those who prefer the "slim, tall, fair" etc etc lasses on the market over women of deen - woe to them. And good for you - means Allah's protecting you from them because you deserve better, inshallah. Keep the faith :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| paula |
| 02/10/03 at 22:58:26 |
| [slm] hmmmmmmm....... can I ask a question here......just kind of curious..... at the same time :-)'s excuse me too because I'm feeling kind of intrusive to ask. You just made me curious with this post here. And please I'm just thinking and talking ......... try not to take anything too serious that I say. How long has it been since the exchange of photos. The details of that, maybe there have been other issues that have taken place in the ;-)'s life and end of it. I can think of some odd times where you would have thought something should have happened one way and time was needed. Also for the :-) I'm sure her trust in Allah to ordaine what is best should help provide comfort for her. Have any of you heard of wonderful women who have ended up soooo miserable after marriage. Or this ;-) & :-) might be two of the most wonderful individuals but together they would not have compatibility. "Allahu Alam" I would have to think too, that both being so serious concerning Islam, they really have the support of Allah in their life for the best. I guess maybe I'm thinking I would want to be careful not to misinterpret what might be a blessing from Allah himself........ "Allahu Akbar"........ even if it was on the token you were 100% right in the brother declining further contact due to his preference of looks. Actually his thoughts and motivations are only between him and Allah. And once he took the step of marriage he is accountable for his actions. It cannot be all easy on his end either. I pray this sister will not just find a marriage...... but will find a "blessed Marriage"...... Insha Allah. Many prayers for he both of them..... and all other ;-) & :-) faced with similar issues....... Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim... Alhamdu lillah I don't know...... this is just my thoughts here nothing more than that. And I know...I know I know I know I know... I get to thinking about things in life that seem so unfair........ I really like when people remind me to trust in Allah...... not my thoughts and fears. [wlm] |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| GulMuslima |
| 02/11/03 at 13:11:51 |
| [slm] Firstly, I wanted to say that theOriginal had a beautiful reply, and it's advice we all need to hear, even though at times it's hard to get out of the 'ugly mood'. Sadly, it is a part of many cultures, that girls are judged soley on their exteriors and not on their deen or their inner qualities. The other day a friend and I were reading through the matrimonals you find at the end of Indo/Pak newspapers ( really good for a laugh) and nowadays you don't only have to be 'fair, slim, and tall' but you have have to be, 'a doctor, engineer, business major' ect. and of course have 'the blend of eastern and western values' Even though I have a few years to go before I would think of marriage it's scary to think that people are so superfacial and fail to see how people are on the inside. I wish the sister much happiness in this life, and may Allah -azza wa jaal- bring her her naseeb soon. InshaAllah ya Rabb... [wlm] |
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| Kathy |
| 02/11/03 at 20:27:08 |
| [slm] [i]I am like a typical grandma.. retelling the same story year after year.... [/i] I am very plain looking...by some, ugly.... Once a Brother heard all about me and wanted to meet me ... he took a look and ran... never even wanted to speak to me! A couple of years ago my hubby invited someone over after masjid prayers. Imagine my surprise to see it was the same guy & a relative! He had married a non muslim blond beauty and was already divorced.... |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 02/12/03 at 07:47:49 |
Sis Kathy, don't say that pls. Such words as the 'u' word I dont like ppl to say in my presence. I don't believe any1 in the world can be descibed like that. Allaah has all made us all look differently and so we should accept that, regardless of how hard it is (believe me, I kw how hard it is). By the way how can any1 call Allaah's creation 'u'? We're all creations of Allaah, and if u believe ur 'u', then in my eyes that's an insult to Allaah, as all his creation is beautiful. I am so glad that sis gave the pep talk, jazak'Allaah, it was much needed. I have a lot to say about this, but am not going to cos stuff like this really upsets me, and then I get really down. I've learnt to stay away from stuff that ends up getting me depressed, so forgive me for not adding any words of enlightenment on this topic, other than if u think ur 'u', ur saying a lot about how u think Allaah created u, so be careful. Sis Kathy, from all ur posts that I've been able to read so far, as far as I'm concerned ur a v beautiful person. Shame on that bro, but what a blessing that was for u and ur hub that it didn't work out with that guy. As for every1 else, don't eva give up or despair about ur looks and if u'll ever find the right person. I've jus entered that potential marraige situation where ppl are about to start looking for a partner for me, but u kw what I don't even really care about it. I know that the right person will come along whenever he does, in the meantime I'm getting on with my life, and have left especially marriage to Allaah (which is kind of hard when ppl have got other plans for u!). But seriously I haven't got the time nor the energy to stress over what a bro is going to think of me looks-wise. He'll come along when we're both ready and when Allaah has decreed it for us to meet and to become life partners. Enough said from me [wlm] |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 02/15/03 at 02:49:51 |
| [wlm] All the above posts are beautiful. I just want to add that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. This may be a good thing. She may not be truly happy if her hubby is not attracted to her. Doesnt everyone want their spouses to be attracted to them? I am sure she is beautiful in her own way, and its a shame if he failed to recognize that. This may be a weakness in his deen and also hurtful for her after marriage. Anyway I came across this beautiful story from themodernreligion.com(excellent site) in marriage section and I thought Id post it. An excellent read for brothers! I will post it there also. Marriage: Encouragement from a Brother By Iftikhar, Featured at the website of the MSA of University of Houston When I started looking for a wife, my only intention was to find a muslim woman who could help me become a better Muslim. After praying to Allah many times, I came to know that a Muslim brother in my area had an unwed sister. I was told that she was 7 years older than I was, had no college education, and had minor health problems. Despite this, I arranged for a meeting to discuss the possibility of marriage. When I met her, I was impressed by her modesty (she wore a real hijab that covered everything but her face). She was not attractive, nor was she rich. However, at the conclusion of our meeting, I felt comfortable with the fact that she was what I was looking for. After praying Istikhara, I felt confident that she was right for me. Our nickaah was performed only a few weeks later. Oh yeah, this was a Muslim wedding - the kind where the men separated from the women, we didn't have disco music or belly dancers or any other kind of kuffar stuff. There might have been one brother who was NOT wearing Sunnah. We spent most of the time praying, praising Allah, discussing what a great blessing the responsibility of marriage was, etc. I think the total cost of the wedding might have been around $20.00 US (we held it in my brother-in-law's apartment). I had the time of my life!!! Despite the fact that she is very stubborn and argumentative, she is one of the best Muslim women a man could ask for. And I am NOT talking about the way she wakes me up in the middle of the night for tahajjud, the way she covers her face in public, the way she investigates every action that I do, the way she will stop talking to me if I don't read the Quran or go to the masjid every day. I am talking about her fear of Allah and love for the prophet Muhammed (SWAS). Not bad for a woman some people called ugly, who has no college education or money. I wouldn't trade this woman for anything in the world. Many times when the discussion of marriage arises, I will hear one brother after another talking about how beautiful and educated they want their dream wives to be. Others will talk of love or family/racial pride. Fools... (with all due respect) In case some of you are confused as to why I am mentioning all of this let me tell you what I know (straight up)... A PIOUS WIFE IS YOUR STRONGEST DEFENSE AGAINST SHAITAN Now, Marry a woman for whatever reason you want....... My dua' is with you all. Salamu Alaikum |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| jaihoon |
| 02/15/03 at 03:47:37 |
| This seems to be a female-only thread. However... [quote] Do "religious" men put SO much emphasis on looks in the first place? I know you are allowed to marry a woman for several reasons, including her beauty, but shouldn't the religious ones at lease know that her religion is most important? [/quote] Don't mean to be rude, but looking for beauty is i think a human trait after all. There is nothing religious/non-religious abt it. However, it is not the ONLY factor to be considered. Beauty pleases the eyes, taqwa pleases the heart. If both qualities are present, then eyes and heart are safe from sins. (easier said, than done) ::) [quote] If being "religious" means a cute beard, thawb and kufi, well you can teach a parrot the Quran and dress it up too! If "religious" means someone whose heart the deen has permeated, then that bro's behaviour was not religious [/quote] :D well said. Agree 100% [quote] Despite the fact that she is very stubborn and argumentative, she is one of the best Muslim women a man could ask for. And I am NOT talking about the way she wakes me up in the middle of the night for tahajjud, the way she covers her face in public, the way she investigates every action that I do, the way she will stop talking to me if I don't read the Quran or go to the masjid every day. I am talking about her fear of Allah and love for the prophet Muhammed (SWAS). [/quote] hmm.... very pragmatic |
| 02/15/03 at 03:49:09 |
| jaihoon |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| Shahida |
| 02/18/03 at 01:07:55 |
| [slm] Brother Jaihoon has a point. But, let me just reiterate in case it was not very clear in the first post: they both found each other PERFECTLY matched in all other areas! And she is not unattractive at all, in fact other brothers have approached her parents, just because they saw her at a function and thought she was lovely...he rejected her, and in such a disrespectful manner JUST because of her looks, probably thinking that he could get someone better looking? She is attractive, just not attractive enough, ya see? Anyway, many people, after appreciating the *inside* of another person, seem to see things on their outside, beautiful things, that *no-one* else can. Your admiration for their character influences your attractiveness to them to a certain extent. Now if you are not attracted AT ALL, then that is another story all together, wasalam |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 02/18/03 at 01:26:21 |
| [slm] "Beauty pleases the eyes, taqwa pleases the heart. If both qualities are present, then eyes and heart are safe from sins. (easier said, than done)" very well said. I have to admit I have rejected someone before I even got to know the person soely because of his looks. Well I had also learned that he wasnt much into religion anyway. Sis Shahida I understand.. I just posted that up cause I thoiught it was a good experience anyway. I agree with you completely.. I dont think we should reject someone because they arent very good looking. Some guys/girls reject just because the person wasnt good looking [i][/i]enough! I think if the person is even just ok thats fine...as long as that person doesnt disgust you. (which that guy did, Astagfirullah) . that is just sad..Like I said, It a weakness in deen. But if he can just reject someone because that person is not drop dead gorgeious then I would say he is not worth it neway. Alhumdulilah. take care your sis |
| Re: Not pretty enough?? |
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| Red |
| 02/18/03 at 10:55:30 |
| [slm] sis, I wonder Sis Shahida, if it was for another reason? The same EXACT thing happened to my sister. Now, my sister is beautiful to me in any possible way, but i guess like me, she would be considered "avearge looking". The guys who contacted us were real interested in her, she has a bachelors, planning on getting masters (inshallah) , she is wonderful muslim (mashallah), blah, blah, blah, etc. But, it seems they took one look at her pictures, and never said anything. Or, was it because they have a problem with are family? These days people ask for those wonderful "bio-datas", maybe taking one look at are rather large family (mashallah my mom has 6 daughters and 1 son), they thought they couldn't handle it? These guys were really good muslims, but for some reason they were so disinterested after looking at my sister and reading our "family history". The guy never ever contacted us after looking at the pictures. I don't know what his problem was, because he really liked her before, but after the pictures, he never contacted us. It took us a long time to get over it...but i realize now as does my sister that it was for the best, because Allah sub han tallah does everything for a REASON. Inshallah I know your friend will find a muslim 1000000000000 times better than this guy, and so will my sister inshallah, and so well everybody inshallah as long as we have complete trust in Allah! wasalam red ;) |
| 02/18/03 at 11:02:13 |
| Red |
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