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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| prospective husband? |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/25/03 at 17:05:33 |
| I will tell you my problem which I am too chicken to admit to anyone. For many many years I have had decent godfearing Muslims proposing to me and I always refuse. I don't know why, but I am afraid to get into a commitment like this, many of my friends over the years of course got married and not a few of them have been divorced and been treated pretty rough, but thats not it. Its just me being afraid and I am causing my family so much distress and I feel like a social outcast because I can't ever seem to say yes and get married and raise a family like any Muslimah. I love my work very much and and I love to study it is far safer than any marriage with all its forthcoming responsibilties. Also, the knowledge that I am not pleasing God by refusing a blessing when it comes because there are many Muslim women who do not have men proposing to them. Now I have grown older I am only proposed to by men with problems like widowers with kids they need a wife to be a good mother to. So I know this is wrong of me but I don't know why I keep saying no. What should I do? Its no good saying do an istikharah because I do always, but I am always scared and wanting to back out like now and my family have given me two days to decide and I am sure it had better be a final yes cos they're fed up with me. So will someone help me and tell me what to do? I am sure there is nothing wrong with the guy but I don't know cos when he came I just sat quiet and didn't say a word, so what should I do? |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| zomorrud |
| 02/25/03 at 22:11:39 |
| [color=blue] bismillah... assalamu alaikum, tell your family you need more than 2 days to decide. tell them that you need to know more about the character of the prospective. they should investigate about his 'deen' and 'khuluq' before they give their consent to this, it is their responsibilty towards you. a marriage is not something you want to be rushed into doing. try to be rational, and overcome your fears. pray istikharah with 'ikhlaas' and whatever happens will happen for a good reason, insha'Allah. take care wassalam [/color] |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| Dude |
| 03/03/03 at 05:01:57 |
| Just curious… Why would you consider marrying someone whom you have not fallen in love with? I think you need to get to know your potential wife / husband intimately (by this, I do not mean sexually) as a friend before even thinking about marriage, and all that comes with it. I guess I should ask…is there a cultural reason that you would consider marrying someone without getting to really know them first? This has always baffled me…I met my wife in college, and we became best friends, fell in love, and married. She has a couple of older sisters from her home country of Fiji, however, that have been through arranged marriages. Both ended in divorce- one no problem, the other badly (abusive husband). One of the sisters has since re-married in a “love” marriage. Having said that, I’ve also heard of arranged marriages that have worked out well. I guess I’m more curious about the culture of arranged marriages than anything. Anyhow, I tend to agree that it is OK to be uneasy about this, especially if you don’t really know the person proposing to you. I would think that you should be 100% sure when you commit to marriage. You need to know what makes the person tick, you need to be attracted to him (and he to you), and you need to like the person he is (and he you). This is important not only for your happiness, but also for the well being of future children. Important reasons, no? |
| 03/03/03 at 05:03:28 |
| Dude |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| se7en |
| 03/07/03 at 16:05:00 |
| as salaamu alaykum, girl, marriage is definitely a scary thing and there is definitely the possibility that it could be something difficult.. but at the same time, it is an opportunity to have a really beautiful and intimate relationship with someone that can bring you a lot of happiness and benefit. look around you to some of the truly happy couples you see.. and think, that could be you :) once you overcome your fears you can figure out what it is you want in a hubby, and since u seem to be getting a lot of proposals, insha'Allah it'll be smooooth sailing from there 8) wasalaamu alaykum :-) |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| jannah |
| 03/09/03 at 02:17:55 |
| [wlm] Hmm I think you should spend some time with some *happily* married couples. It will help you change your perspective. You'll see that not all couples are in abusive relationships and that some brothers are actually quite awesome ma'shallah. And this will hopefully let you see what kind of brothers make good husbands and what qualities make 'bad one's' and then you can take some time and really get to know the brothers that are proposing to you. Don't be afraid to tell them you have hundreds of questions and want them answered and that you want to spend some time getting to know them, their families, their life ie 6 months etc. Once you can do all that inshaAllah it will help you find the right person for you and you'll be more comfortable with it inshaAllah. |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 03/09/03 at 10:01:18 |
| asalaam alakum, Dear sister, looking at the date you posted this request for help, I realized that the two days have long passed. Please update us as to what happened. InshAllah what was best for you has happened. There is also something I need to discuss with you, but can't do over the website, because I too had a similiar situation. Please contact me at one321day@yahoo.com w'salaam. your sister in Islam...... |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| Anonymous |
| 03/11/03 at 01:59:42 |
| Asalam u Alaikum, With regards to this comment: 'This has always baffled me?I met my wife in college, and we became best friends, fell in love, and married...' So what happens when you meet someone at college, become best friends, fall in love and THEN one parties' parents say u aint marrying who ya want but who we say!!! Heartbreak, heartbreak, heartbreak. Wasalaams |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| Dude |
| 03/11/03 at 11:11:18 |
| Well, what I told my Dad was that he could either chose to support me, or find himself out of my life and his grandchildren's lives. I did this in a calm, controlled tone, and told him to think about it. He didn't like the idea of my marrying a Muslim, and "converting". It's a leap of faith in a way...in my situation, I wasn't asking my Dad for any help either. I’ve always done things on my own. I paid for the wedding myself, and paid for the down payment of a house myself too, so I took financial leverage out of the equation. I was firm on my decision because my Mum had given me her blessing, and that's what really mattered to me. In the end, my Dad decided that I'm mature enough to make my own decisions, and absolutely adores my wife now. He couldn’t be happier with how things worked out. I married into a very loving family. As for her parents, I had spent the time and gotten to know them, and when the time was right (after allowing them to learn about me, my work ethic, and my morals), I approached her Dad, told him that we loved each other, and I wanted to marry her. I told him I'd be willing to do whatever it takes, religiously, to satisfy them and allow us to get married. And I did. My wedding was a parallel of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", except my movie would be named "My Big Fat Fijian Nikka". I think it is absolutely important for kids to respect their parents, but at the same time, they need to respect you. That message needs to be conveyed. Parents also need to allow their children to make decisions on their own, but also be there to support them when they fall. I don't think being a good parent means controlling every aspect of your child's life. At the end of the day, it’s your life, not your parents. |
| 03/11/03 at 11:11:50 |
| Dude |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| BrKhalid |
| 03/12/03 at 10:21:48 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) Dude out of interest how do you think you would react if your kids said they didn’t want to know you and they completely denied all the good things you had done for them? |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| Dude |
| 03/12/03 at 11:05:51 |
| I think you're taking it out of context. I know how I'd feel- devastated. That's not what I'm talking about here. At some point in life, children need to take the steps to become adults, and make decisions on their own. It is part of a parent’s responsibility to allow their children to make their own decisions, and be there to support them when they screw up (innevitable). I don't think being a good parent means controlling every aspect of your child's life. At some point, the kid needs to grow up. Parents then need to change their thinking from being life planners to confidants. Be there to support your children, to provide (hopefully) good advise, to advise them if their about to do something you wouldn't. If the children mess up, be there to help them get back on their feet. My personal situation also had some history witch you're not privy to. To make a long story shot, my Mum and Dad divorced when I was young, and even though my Dad sent a cheque every month, my Mum raised us. Had she told me that she didn't feel right about my choice in marriage, I would have thought twice. As it was, she actually told me to suck it up and convert, do what was necessary marry this girl, and gain her families trust. I knew what I needed to do, and I was going to do it no matter what. I told my father I wanted his support, and wanted him to be by my side during the Nikka...but if he chose to lay down an ultimatum, it would be both of our loses. It would be a lose-lose situation. Luckily, he really liked my fiancée, and saw where I was coming from. Remember…it wasn’t like I broke this to him out of the blue! Anyhow, he didn't see our talk as you interpreted it. He took in what I had to say, and saw my point. He chose to support me, because he always has. As it turned out, his neck has become decidedly less red through all this! |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| BrKhalid |
| 03/12/03 at 12:52:15 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]Dude out of interest how do you think you would react if your kids said they didn’t want to know you and they completely denied all the good things you had done for them? I know how I'd feel- devastated. That's not what I'm talking about here[/quote] No I agree it is out of context here but I was trying to make another point. But for what its worth you seem to have had enough respect for your father to sit him down and explain your situation to him and I commend you for that. As others on the board will tell you, Islam places a great emphasis on respecting our parents regardless of whether they share our faith or not. It’s a reflection of the fact that they were there when we were young and weak and without them we would not have survived the early years of our life. No the real reason I asked you this question was because of this verse of the Qur’an which I read this morning and which made me think of your post: Serve God, and join not any partners with Him; and do good- to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, those in need, neighbours who are near, neighbours who are strangers, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (ye meet), and what your right hands possess: For God loveth not the arrogant, the vainglorious[4:36] In it Allah tells us to serve him and not to associate any partners with him but after that our next duty is to do good to our parents. Thereafter there are a whole raft of people who also have rights over us. The verse is indicative of the status of parents in Islam and also reflective of the extent one is looked after by them. Ultimately though we all depend on Allah. For air, for water, for food, for health etc etc. On a worldy level, this provision comes via our parents who assume the role of nurturing us and hence obtain their high status. But what about the status of Allah? How arrogant are we if we completely deny all the good things He has done for us? This was the reason for my question. |
| Re: prospective husband? |
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| Dude |
| 03/12/03 at 19:53:21 |
| I think I'd agree with that...100%. I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that a child's happiness is important to the parents. Shouldn't the parent try and let the child make these important decisions on her own, and be there to advise and support her? Side bar...I had an interesting conversation with my little sister just yesterday. She’s 19, and currently finishing off school in Alberta (a 1 hour flight away from here). She’s found a good job, and wants to work over the summer. One of her shortcomings is that she has “caviar” taste on a “sardine” budget. She’s recently signed a lease on a new apartment, and plans to live there with a friend. The damage deposit, plus first months rent is more than she can afford right now. Naturally, my Dad doesn’t like the idea…he wants her to stay with the billet family she’s living with. Her argument is she needs her own space. My thoughts are, let’s compromise…get a less expensive, single person apartment. I did this in college, mainly because I knew I could handle the rent every month, but wasn’t sure about a roommate. I didn’t want to leave a roommate’s follies to chance. Alas, my sis is strong headed, and went ahead anyhow. She was complaining about Dad, because he doesn’t support this idea, and won’t lend her the money. I 100% agree. Yes, it is tough love (if she gets into a real jam, the old man will bail her out- no questions asked), but the point is, if you’re going to do this against his preferred arrangement, you’d better be prepared to do it on your own. I haven’t asked my family for money since I’ve been 16…and I’ve very proud of that. Probably why I get a lot less interference from my Dad on financial issues too, and we can work through disagreements like adults should. |
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