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| Why women marry jerks? |
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| Barr |
| 03/05/03 at 03:01:13 |
| Assalamu’alaikum :-) Last week, I went to a Marriage Convention and 3 main issues and researches were discussed. They were about 1) Love 2) Asian vs Western Relationships 3) How to avoid marrying a Jerk? InshaALlah, I will try and share the notes that I have when I have the time. Meanwhile, here’s a study that you may find interesting :) The study below is taken from Dr Pat Love’s (one of the speakers at the convention) book, “The truth about Love” [color=blue] Clause Wedekind did a “Sweaty T-shirt” experiment on 100 men and women. The men were given untreated T-shirts and they are to wear the T-shirts to sleep in for 2 consecutive nights, during which time they were not to eat spices, drink alcohol and have sex. The T-shirts were placed in a sealed container, and after the 2nd night, brought to Widekind’s lab. While in a room alone, the women were to rate the T-shirts in terms of pleasantness, sexiness and aversion. The study showed that the women rated a man’s odour to be the most sexiest and pleasant when their HLA* profiles varied from their own ie. they are most attracted to the scent men whose DNA are least like theirs. This study shows that it is predictable who we are attracted to and that one can have “chemistry” with more than one person. So… initial physical attraction, is actually biological, rather than love. (Hmmm, this just rams the love at 1st sight theory!) However, genetic compatability does not always equal to relationship compatability . This chemistry of infatuation also explains why someone may be attracted to someone else while having a loving and successful marriage. *HLA = Human lymphocyte antigen… a segment of DNA which functions as the immune system’s disease detector. If a person mates with another with a different HLA code, their children would have a higher immunity to more diseases.[/color] Lessons learnt: 1) Ain’t no love at first sight 2) Love is not equal to “chemistry”, infatuation, giddy-o-feelo 3) If U r not attracted to a brother initially, and he doesn’t give you sparks and fireworks, it doesn’t mean, he is not right for you. 4) Heed the Prophet’s [saw] recommendation to go beyond looks and look instead, at his deen. Compatability in deen would prove more enduring and fulfilling, inshaAllah. 5) Follow a heart, guided by Allah, not a heart, guided by nafs . . . . . 6) If U’re attracted to jerks… no worries… at least your genes are not like his! Ok, till next time, inshaALlah :) Wassalam |
| 03/05/03 at 04:44:24 |
| Barr |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Shahida |
| 03/05/03 at 04:22:31 |
| [slm] Excellent post sis Barr:) hehe, I like the last statement! But *worry* that the kids will get some of the jerk genes, so ? mmm;) Please share some more from the convention. We dont have such things here, very interested in how things went. Jazaki Allahu khairun Barr :-* Salam Shahida |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Barr |
| 03/06/03 at 20:21:42 |
| [wlm] warahmatullah :) Wa iyya ki :) [quote]But *worry* that the kids will get some of the jerk genes, so ? [/quote] Well sis… attraction may be genetic. But marriage is a guided choice ;) |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| theOriginal |
| 03/06/03 at 21:25:03 |
| [slm] A lot of good girls are attracted to jerks...I guess maybe because a lot of the jerks are smooth, if you know what I mean. Anyway, what I don't understand is why the jerks are attracted to good girls. Most of these girls are entirely out of their league, and it just ends in heartbreak (moreso for the girl), even IF the relationship leads to marriage. The parents of a friend of mine are getting divorced after 22 years. (22!!!) The reason? She's had it with his bad-boy-ne'er-grow-up ways. It so saddening. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/07/03 at 08:44:03 |
| [quote]The parents of a friend of mine are getting divorced after 22 years. (22!!!) The reason? She's had it with his bad-boy-ne'er-grow-up ways. It so saddening. [/quote] Not for the woman! It's liberating! I know of a couple ladies that are just biding their time. Many women are in their mid 40's when their children are graduating. With women living so much longer...to think they have to spend another 40 years with a Peter Pan is out of the question! |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| SisterHania |
| 03/07/03 at 10:51:05 |
| [quote author=Barr link=board=sis;num=1046851274;start=0#0 date=03/05/03 at 03:01:13] *HLA = Human lymphocyte antigen… a segment of DNA which functions as the immune system’s disease detector. If a person mates with another with a different HLA code, their children would have a higher immunity to more diseases.[/color] [/quote] Ohh I found this part interesting. In a lot of cultures (asian) they seem intent on marrying within the family (cousins) or same race. While Islam encourages marriage between different races......It all makes sense! :o |
| 03/07/03 at 10:52:28 |
| SisterHania |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/07/03 at 20:15:19 |
| [quote author=SisterHania link=board=sis;num=1046851274;start=0#5 date=03/07/03 at 10:51:05]While Islam encourages marriage between different races....[/quote] [wlm] I have been looking for this hadith for ages! Have you got it? |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| BroHanif |
| 03/09/03 at 06:35:08 |
| Salaams, [quote]Last week, I went to a Marriage Convention and 3 main issues and researches were discussed. They were about 1) Love 2) Asian vs Western Relationships 3) How to avoid marrying a Jerk? [/quote] I hope Sis Barr the term Jerk is not just used to differenciate women and men, as you are well aware women can be real Jerks as well. Just thought I'd share that with everyone. Salaams Hanif |
| NS |
| 03/09/03 at 06:36:47 |
| BroHanif |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/09/03 at 12:31:14 |
| [quote author=Uncle Hanif link=board=sis;num=1046851274;start=0#7 date=03/09/03 at 06:35:08]as you are well aware women can be real Jerks as well. [/quote] Interesting thought. I have never heard a woman referred to as a 'jerk.' usually it is a much stronger word.... Anyone else? |
| NS |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| xahira |
| 03/09/03 at 14:03:01 |
| [quote]Anyway, what I don't understand is why the jerks are attracted to good girls.[/quote] i noticed this too... ??? women can b jerks aswell? hmm... yeh i agree... som really gd men r married to not v nice women lol its just 1 of those things... but then again no1 knws wat the person saw in the other that attracted them |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Danyala |
| 03/10/03 at 16:59:05 |
| [slm] Good girls put up with the jerks attitude a lot longer when no one else will...thinking they might change them...dont know about the good guys.... [wlm] :-* |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Tesseract |
| 03/10/03 at 23:50:24 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, [quote]Interesting thought. I have never heard a woman referred to as a 'jerk.' usually it is a much stronger word.... Anyone else? [/quote] Just because u never heard a woman being referred to as a jerk, doesn't mean that there aren't any. I totally agree with Uncle Hanif. Women/sisters, in general, like to pick on men/brothers far more than brothers/men picking on women/sisters and so u see the sisters making a fuss out of one particular jerk's jerking around, whereas men keep it so low. How many threads do u see here started by sisters, making fun of/criticizing brothers, male bashing going on and how many times do u see the brothers start a thread on "Oh! what do u think about this particular act/habit of sisters?" I am proud of this brotherly act of not picking on sisters so much. Keep it up brothers! :) Wassalam. |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| paula |
| 03/11/03 at 01:09:52 |
| [slm] [size=3][font=Book Antiqua][color=Navy] You know..... I've seen this issue posted a few different times here by the brothers.... And every time it brings to mind the same Hadith to me..... thought to post it here.... think it might be something just to keep in mind ??:-*: ((forgive that it is just the portion of the Hadith please look it up or request for me to add the whole part if it is preferred)) [quote]................Then I saw the (Hell) Fire, and I have never before, seen such a horrible sight as that, and I saw that the majority of its dwellers were women." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! What is the reason for that?" He replied, "Because of their ungratefulness." It was said. "Do they disbelieve in Allah (are they ungrateful to Allah)?" He replied, "They are not thankful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors done to them. Even if you do good to one of them all your life, when she sees some harshness from you, she will say, "I have never seen any good from you.' " -- Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 125 [/quote] Maybe it's not completely applicable here.... but every time I read a brothers post about women's whining or negativeness.... haha.... this is the first thing that hits (maybe because it's showing a character in general ??)...... so thought...... okay Sisters maybe we should take heed and be careful ?? ...... just a thought to share btw..... Jazak Allahu Kairan Brothers for keeping us on track[/color][/font][/size] [wlm] |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Rameeza |
| 03/12/03 at 10:06:55 |
| [slm] the following is the complete hadith. [] [] [] [] [] [] Volume 7, Book 62, Number 125: Narrated 'Abdullah bin Abbas: During the lifetime of Allah's Apostle, the sun eclipsed. Allah's Apostle offered the prayer of (the) eclipse) and so did the people along with him. He performed a long Qiyam (standing posture) during which Surat-al-Baqara could have been recited; then he performed a pro-longed bowing, then raised his head and stood for a long time which was slightly less than that of the first Qiyam (and recited Qur'an). Then he performed a prolonged bowing again but the period was shorter than the period of the first bowing, then he stood up and then prostrated. Again he stood up, but this time the period of standing was less than the first standing. Then he performed a prolonged bowing but of a lesser duration than the first, then he stood up again for a long time but for a lesser duration than the first. Then he performed a prolonged bowing but of lesser duration than the first, and then he again stood up, and then prostrated and then finished his prayer. By then the sun eclipse had cleared. The Prophet then said, "The sun and the moon are two signs among the signs of Allah, and they do not eclipse because of the death or birth of someone, so when you observe the eclipse, remember Allah (offer the eclipse prayer)." They (the people) said, "O Allah's Apostle! We saw you stretching your hand to take something at this place of yours, then we saw you stepping backward." He said, "I saw Paradise (or Paradise was shown to me), and I stretched my hand to pluck a bunch (of grapes), and had I plucked it, you would have eaten of it as long as this world exists. Then I saw the (Hell) Fire, and I have never before, seen such a horrible sight as that, and I saw that the majority of its dwellers were women." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! What is the reason for that?" He replied, "Because of their ungratefulness." It was said. "Do they disbelieve in Allah (are they ungrateful to Allah)?" He replied, "They are not thankful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors done to them. Even if you do good to one of them all your life, when she seems some harshness from you, she will say, "I have never seen any good from you.' " |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| zomorrud |
| 03/13/03 at 12:41:13 |
| [color=blue] ...opposites attract. ;D [/color] |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/13/03 at 16:51:12 |
| I am supposed to delete one liners but this one line got me laughing and then thinking! Then I started to wonder which one was the jerk! So I am leaving it up! |
| Re: Why women marry jerks? |
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| Barr |
| 03/29/03 at 12:21:33 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :-) Kathy.. I think this is the Hadith you are looking for? "Do not marry a close relation or else your offspring be emaciated.” I was informed that the hadith is more of a discouragement rather than a strict prohibition due to health and hereditary reasons. As well as other differing opinions on it. I'm still asking around on the status of the Hadith. Here's wot I found at Islamonline. Now, I understand why, the value of not marrying close relations (particularly first cousins) is a popular practice amongst Muslims in this region. In fact, its rather unusual for cousins marrying each other in this part of the world which I think is due to the heavy influence of the Shafi'i mazhab here. Allahua'lam. ============================ http://www.islamonline.org/fatwa/english/FatwaDisplay.asp?hFatwaID=20581 Question of Fatwa My Sheikh! As-Salam `Alaykum! Is it lawful to divorce my wife because she is my cousin, both on the paternal and maternal sides, to save the offspring from any potential contagious disease? Name of Mufti 'Abdul-Kareem Zeidaan Content of Reply[color=blue] Wa `Alaykum As-Salam Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuh. In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All thanks and praise are due to Allah and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger. Dear questioner! We would like to voice our appreciation to you for the great confidence you repose in us and this apparent keenness on understanding the teachings of Islam. In his answer to the previous question, Professor `Abdul-Kareem Zeidaan, former professor of Islamic Jurisprudence at Baghdad University, states the following: "Concerning what is preferable in the choice of a wife, Shafi`is hold the view that the wife should not be of a close relation. Supporting their view, they cite the Hadith that reads: “Do not marry a close relative lest your offspring be emaciated.” But they quoted Ibn Salah as saying that this Hadith is not mentioned in any of the authentic books of Hadith. Moreover, As-Subki said that this opinion cannot be accepted, for lack of textual evidence, and also because of the fact that the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, married his cousin `Ali to his daughter Fatimah in spite of being close relatives. In “Mughni Al-Muhtaaj” on the Shafi`i school of Fiqh it is stated: “Ash-Shafi`i stated that it is preferable for a man not to marry from amongst his folk. Az-Zingaani attributed this to the fact that one of the objectives of marriage is to unite people for the purpose of achieving solidarity and mutual cooperation.” Az-Zingaani further states: “ Extending the scope of social relations leads to strengthening relations and enhancing cooperation among people. Therefore, recommending men to marry from outside the family is not because of some fault in close relatives. People usually say: marry someone outside the family circle in order to give birth to healthy children.” In his book “Al-Mughni”, the Hanbali jurist Ibn Qudamah says: “A man should choose a wife from outside the family circle because she would most probably give birth to a more intelligent child than the one his kindred would most likely have. That is why people recommend such a marriage and say: do not marry someone of your kindred lest your offspring will be emaciated, which means: you should marry someone from outside the family circle in order to give birth to healthy children. Moreover, disagreements leading to divorce may occur between the couple. If the couple are relatives their divorce may lead to severing the ties of kinship which Allah has ordered us to maintain.” This opinion could help demonstrate the rationale behind the preference of marriage to someone from outside the family circle. [/color] What Is Better Then? The most correct view is to consider each issue separately, because such a choice that is [color=red]based on religion is to be given priority whether it is realized through marrying a relative or someone from outside the family circle. [/color]This of course differs according to circumstances; for instance, if a man’s relative is an orphan who has no one to support her, and is a religious girl, marrying her will certainly be far more preferable than marrying someone from outside the family circle, because relatives are more deserving to kindness and care than any other one. The rationale here should be “Charity begins at home.” Moreover, if a girl has many relatives who would like to marry her, the right thing is that some of them should give her up and marry someone from outside the family. In addition to this, if marriage to someone from outside the family circle would most likely strengthen the ties between two families and remove old enmity, such a marriage is preferable in this case.[color=red] Therefore, every issue should be weighed according to the religious interest that should be given [u] priority[/u]. [/color] [color=blue] Therefore, I would like to tell you that you should have been able to make the right choice before marriage, but since you have already married your cousin, both on the maternal and paternal side, it is not reasonable to divorce her for this reason unless you have become sure that there is a serious hereditary disease that will most probably be transferred to your offspring, a matter that should be determined by qualified doctors. But if you are not sure of that matter, do not divorce her because this will certainly affect the ties of kinship in addition to causing harm to your wife. Moreover, of all lawful acts, divorce is the most abhorred by Almighty Allah. May Allah makes it easy for you and guide you to the Straight Path, for He is the One Who grants guidance.” Almighty Allah knows best. [/color] |
| 03/29/03 at 20:16:41 |
| Barr |
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