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| Barriers Youth make in the Path of Marriage |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 03/06/03 at 21:42:51 |
| [slm] I got this article via email. The person who send this said the Brother who wrote this article helps young Muslim men and woman get married in the West, Mash'Allah, so he has a lot of experience with this. I thought this article made some very good points. What do all of you think? (b/f commenting plz read throughly and impartially......thanx :) [hr] Bismillaahi walhamdulillaahi wassalaatu Wassalaamu >‘Allaah Rasoolillaahi, > >Assalaamu Alaykum, > >In the previous part, we talked about the barriers >erected by parents in the path of marriage of the >young Muslims. Today we start discussing the barriers >erected by youth themsleves. > >Barriers Erected by the Youth themselves > >Unfortunately, Muslim youth have been erecting more >barriers in their way of getting married than their >parents. Their behaviour in the matter of selecting a >spouse is even more hypocritical than those parents >who insist on racial criteria for the selection of a >spouse. The greatest cause of such hypocrisy is >Western influences on the psyche of our youth, as >explained below. >Western Influences > >Regardless of how Islamically educated and devoted >they are, many Muslims raised in Western societies or >under Western influences in Muslim countries are >deeply influenced and vastly impacted by the dominant >Western culture, philosophy, paradigm and outlook. >Despite all their presumptions of adopting pure Islam, >their way of thinking and way of life is deeply >impacted by an un-Islamic value system, thought >patterns and social norms. And nowhere does it show as >blatantly as it does when it comes to choosing a soul >mate and in marital affairs. Consequently, in the >first place, they are having trouble in getting >married. Then, their divorce rate is no better than >North American Non-Muslims. > >Most of them do not even realize that they already >have adopted un-Islamic preferences, tendencies and >outlook in this matter. Although there are always some >exceptions, but by and large, even those who are aware >of these un-Islamic tendencies do not have enough guts >to overcome these barriers, despite their loud and >clear claims that Islam is a complete way of life. >They do not realize that Islam is not just a set of >slogans or platitudes. The real test of faith is when >one has to change the values, preferences and attitude >that (s)he cherishes for the sake of Islam in order to >bring them in line with Qur-aan and Sunnah. > >For those who are sincere to themselves and their >commitment to Islam as a complete way of life, here >are some examples of such barriers they should work on >overcoming: > >The biggest problem is being faced in the selection of >an appropriate soul mate. Both Muslim males and >females have established such ideals in their minds >that are unattainable considering the make up of >current Muslims population. The problem basically >arises from non-alignment of the soul mate selection >criteria to the Islamic objectives of marriage. Young >Muslims are trying to keep Islamic ideals while using >the Western criteria that are useful only for the >western objectives. It is like trying to ride two >boats heading in opposite directions. What they need >to realize is that the criteria of the selection has >to match the objective, otherwise the problem will >continue. The following paragraphs explore this issue >further. > >Appeal of Looks and Physical Appearances > >This is a key barrier especially for males. Even the >most religious of them have set their sights according >to the Western ideal of beauty as represented by the >movie stars or advertising models. With that ideal >picture in mind, they start matching Muslim girls to >that picture which, naturally, is extremely difficult >to match for two reasons: > > The supermodel kind of beauties are an extremely >small minority in the society, making it impossible >for the majority of the normal youth to find one; so >naturally all those young Muslims keep looking for >such a person and getting frustrated for not finding >one; > >§ Even the most beautiful Muslimah when seen in her >simple, modest Hijaabi appearance, cannot match the >fully made-up, well-coiffed, half naked beauties that >are behind that ideal picture in mind; > >Even if that special beautiful girl is found, she >mostly has her mind set on her own ideal picture of a >husband on which most of the candidates do not fit the >bill. Thus, just like boys have their ideals, girls >have their ideals. Both keep looking for that perfect >person and continue passing by each other like >parallel lines never to meet. Consequently, all those >marriage candidates do not find anyone ‘acceptable’ >while in reality there are many nice boys and girls >wanting to get married. > >Many young Muslims assume that the ideal looks and >appearance of a spouse is an important factor in >success and happiness of a marriage. The logical and >empirical evidence is usually against this assumption. >The spouse that is better looking usually expects to >be treated specially and to be the one dictating the >decisions in the married life. Any reluctance or >resistance to their desires creates problems in the >marriage. The marriage succeeds only in two cases: if >the other spouse gives up everything for the sake of a >better looking spouse, in which case the marriage will >not be a happy one for the one who has to give up >everything; or, if the better looking spouse is very >humble, extremely fair and God fearing person, in >which case, it is not the physical appearance of the >person but the beauty of the faith and character that >is responsible for the success and happiness of the >marriage. Hence, in reality the success factor is the >excellence in faith and character of the individual >and that should logically be the criterion for >selection, not the excellence in physical appearance. > >Young men may think that if their wife is extremely >beautiful, that will help them lower their gaze from >everyone else. The fact is that it is not the beauty >of the wife that keeps gaze lower, but the strength of >Eeman and Taqwa. Even if a person has the most >beautiful wife, he will still feel attracted by other >women unless he controls himself and his lusts with >Taqwa and faith. Male nature is that he is not to be >satisfied with one partner regardless of how beautiful >she is. That is why even the husbands of supermodels >get involved in affairs with other women. Then, there >is nature of beauty itself. Every beautiful person is >unique and has its own unique attraction. Despite >having a beautiful wife, a male will still be >attracted to other beautiful women because of their >different kind of attractiveness. Furthermore, male >preferences oscillate. One day one person appears more >beautiful and on another day, in another frame of >mind, another person appears more beautiful. It is >also important to remember that beauty is not a >permanent characteristic. It fades and is lost over >time. Once that happens, the worshipper of the beauty >will be out looking for it once again. Thus, those who >want to lower their gaze by getting a very beautiful >wife are setting themselves up for failure. Because >the importance they have assigned to beauty will >always be attracting them to other beauties, for one >reason or the other. What keeps the gaze lowered is >marriage to a reasonable looking (or averagely good >looking) person backed by strength of faith and Taqwa. > >Many aspirants for marriage will say that this is all >we want: a reasonably attractive person, not a beauty >queen. But when you hear their requirements or when >you see the proposals they reject, it becomes evident >that the definition of reasonable attractiveness is, >whether they realize it or not, the western model of >beauty as discussed earlier. What are reasonably good >looks depends on each individual. The point to >remember is that every human being has some attractive >features. Some have more of them, and some less. >Unless a person proposed for you has a physical >feature that turns you off, that person is reasonable >for you. If the person has a personality that will >fulfill the goals of the marriage, you should accept >the proposal. As the time goes you will develop the >liking and love for the person and discover his/her >attractions. >Waiting for a ‘Click’, Flame or Romantic Feeling > >Also under the influence of Western thinking, our >young Muslims assume that if they find an ideal >candidate, it will ‘click’ right away as soon as they >look at each other and at the very first glance, a >magnetic attraction or romantic feeling will overtake >them. They also think that before you can marry a >person you should feel a flame or romantic feeling for >him/her. This is usually not true, excepting some very >rare cases. Normally a flame or romantic feelings are >felt only for a person for whom you have been doing >some sort of thinking/fantasizing/socializing. >Emotional attachment occurs only when a human being >spends sometime thinking romantically or fantasizing >for another person. That is the reason when members of >the opposite sex do something together, spend time >together or socialize with each other, a romance or >emotional attachment develops. That is why people fall >in love with not so beautiful people – because they >have been corresponding with each other, exchanging >glances, doing projects, socializing, etc. > >This is an important point to ponder for those young >Muslims who were not practising Islam in the past and >were involved in a love affair but restrained >themselves or withdrew dues to parental pressure or >because of progress in their commitment to Islam. They >remember the romance they felt in their earlier >experience. When a proposal is brought to them, they >reject it because they do not feel the spark they have >been familiar with. What they need to ponder is that >feelings flared over time because of their thinking, >fantasizing, corresponding, spending time together, >etc. > >In other words, the click or romantic feelings do not >develop without indulging in some un-Islamic >behaviour. And those ‘good’ Muslims who are looking >for this feeling as a criteria for marriage are >setting themselves up for Un-Islamic behaviour or >setting themselves up for failure because they will >never be able to have that feeling on the very first >glance. If the click does happen, it means un-Islamic >romantic thoughts and interactions have occurred >before the selection to get married. The Islamic view >is that love, romance, flame or emotional attachment >is not a precondition to a marriage proposal. Rather >it starts once a decision to marry a particular person >has been made and it really ignites with marriage. > >Hence, young Muslims should not expect any strong >romantic feelings at the first sight of a proposed >person. If the person has reasonable looks, the >romance and love will follow the acceptance. > >Those who are sincere to their faith but still think >that a feeling of romance for a person is a >precondition for making a proposal for marriage should >re-reflect on the following: > >§ "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and >protect their private parts, that is a purer demeanour >for them. Verily Allaah is well aware of what they do. >And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and >to protect their private parts." (An-Noor 24:31-32) >§ "Do not talk in a soft voice lest a man with a >diseased heart (inclined to un-Islamic behaviour) >starts to harbour evil desires." (Al-Ahzaab 33:32) >§ "O Ali! Do not follow up with another look after the >(inadvertent) first look. The first is forgiven but >not the second." (Ahmad, Tirmidzee, Aboo Dawood). >§ "The Prophet was asked about sudden, unintentional >glance. He said, "Move your glance away." (Muslim, >Ahmad, Tirmidzee, Aboo Dawood) >§ "The fornication of the eyes is the sight (to gaze >at a person of opposite sex), the fornication of the >tongue is the talk, and the heart (inner self) lusts >and desires and the private parts testify all this or >deny it." (Aboo Hurayrah, Bukhaari) >§ "Eyes fornicate and their fornication is look, ears' >fornication is listening, tongue's fornication is >talking, hands' fornication is touching and feet's >fornication is walking. The heart lusts and desires >and the private parts either confirm it or deny it." >(Muslim) >§ "Whoever believes in Allaah and the Last day, he >should not be alone with a woman without the presence >of a Mahram. Otherwise, the third with them will be >Shaytaan." (Ahmad) >§ "No man has the right to be in the privacy with a >woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third >party unless there is a Mahram ." (Ahmad) >§ Ibn Abbaas related that the messenger of Allaah >said, "None of you should meet a women alone unless >she is accompanied by a Mahram". (Bukhaari, Muslim) >§ Umar reported that Rasoolullaah said, "When a man is >alone with a women, the Shaytaan becomes the third." >(Tirmidzee) > > >(To be continued) >Wassalaam, >Ayub Hamid |
| 03/07/03 at 00:05:59 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
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