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| The Art of War |
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| theOriginal |
| 03/12/03 at 11:01:39 |
| The Art of Pursuit Approaching Sisters at Islamic Conventions by Mufti Maybe [url]www.notafatwa.tk[/url] Alright, let me preface this article by saying that I am in no way trying to delegitimize the religious nature of these Islamic conventions (such as ISNA) and cultural conventions (such as various South-Asian and Arab cultural conferences) that we attend. ISNA, first and foremostly, is a place to go congregate with Muslims, to enhance your faith by listening to uplifting and informative lectures. But let's face it, most of us Muslims are Muslim-deprived most of the year. That is to say, we don't see many others of our faith except the boring regulars. For the youth, a place like ISNA is not only a place to rejuvenate our dogmatic beliefs but also to fill the barrel of belief. Oh, but don't forget! Marriage is half our faith! Many of the youth spend about half their time in this pursuit. Let's face it. It happens. Let's not fool ourselves. Such being the case, and only because this is the case, have I felt the need to write this essay. Lord Byron said that hope is a scarlet cheeked harlot. It's cheap and difficult to keep. Such an outlook, I think, comes from never having succeeded at something. It's borne out of extreme pessimism. The loss of hope is a condition I have seen in many brothers who, after having frequented countless Islamic conventions, are now old and wifeless. Another ISNA will arrive next year and even though the brother will spend most of his time in the hotel lobby he will never come to get the email address of the woman of his dreams. He will lose hope. He will return to the minimally attended lectures going on and sit by himself, hoping to run into a few friendly faces, with whom to wallow in that thing called male-bonding. Let's face it, male-bonding occurs because there is no fiancé to bond with. Not having a fiancé is a consequence of not having what I call an "Islamic Game." Well, here we have it. The money article. How to approach successfully. Do not let the title of this article fool you. I am not out here suggesting that all of you men become stalkers and pursuit-junkies. Remember, the first rule is that pursuit signifies a lack of control. Quit fooling yourself into thinking that a woman is a prey and you are the predator. Those that live life like this, instead of feeling content upon finding a wife, lose interest because the hunt is over. My predator brothers are not someone I would like to associate with, much less a dignified Muslim sister. So, before I take the time out to suggest my method for approaching sisters, let me first take a moment to find out what are some present error prone methods. 1) The Lone Sufi: The lone Sufi is the guy who keeps his head down most of the time, muttering comments to himself. He is smitten by one particular girl (either that, or he has so little idea who he is in love with that he has to close his eyes to think about her). If his friends talk to him he may respond. Otherwise he is more than satisfied sitting there in a strange soliloquy of anthropomorphist zikr. The rememberance of the beloved. Oh, and when the three days are over, he will quietly exit stage left and that will be the end of the convention and his infatuation. He will depart without any leads. His existence seems romantic in a tragic way. It would be, I imagine, except this particular lone Sufi is now 29 year old and has been alone just way too long. 2) The Mad Maulana: This guy has a fatwa on every girl. That hijab is too loose. Those jeans are too tight. Where is the jilbab? She is not innocent enough (and we know what that means). Basically this guy hides his insecurity and his pickiness between his theological commentary. If he is so religious, what is he doing in the lobby with the rest of us? ? Exactly! 3) Religious Police: Like an Uruc-hai to a orc, this is a stronger version of the Mad Maulana. At least the maulana acknowledges the existence of females (and seems willing to participate in some sort of discussion). Religious Police does not face the lobby. He turns his back away. He is concerned with the salvation of his brother. Their salvation is his wife. His commentary has only one theme: "Lower your gaze brother!" ? "Hell is hotter brother!" ? "Astaghfirullah, akh, that's someone's sister!" 4) The Guy Going to Med-School: Now this one has something to offer. If he knew how to talk, he could actually come out successfully from the convention. He stakes out on his own, interjects himself into a conversation with a girl he likes, and because he has already gotten into med-school, has a lot to say. The girls listen to him with wide open eyes. But, between all the suggestive MCAT scores, the grades one needs, and the best interviewing strategy, he has nothing else to say. When the lecture is over, the girls walk away. He is a failure. He would not even have a shot with a cadaver. 5) The Dialectitian: Dialectic is a concept of presenting information in which one touches on all possible angles on a particular topic. A brother practicing dialectic betrays uncertainty and ambiguity. He struggles with sisters at ISNA because he is unsure how much of his partying past he needs to hide with this muhajibba sister. But when he meets a more "liberal" girl, at say, APPNA, he is not sure how much of his religiosity he needs to display. Thus, he ends up presenting himself improperly. All of this is a consequence of him not knowing what he himself wants. This guy is a loser. He has no game because he doesn't know who he is. 6) The omnipresent: Let me first say, the "o" is not capitalized. Anyway, this guy knows the right things to say, is truthful and appears to be a nice guy. He can operate safely and successfully by himself amidst the throng. He becomes the mack of ISNA. He might even be a dork in his real life. But at ISNA he is the top dawg. He could easily come out of the convention and be content with that one particular girl that any Muslim guy should die for. But since he is a dork he gets too excited by his success. He tries to make up at ISNA all the lost years of failed approaches. He becomes restless. He is a malcontent. He is not satisfied. He will go from one circle of girls to another, spitting conversation, discussing life, making "contacts" (if you know what I mean). He does not know when to stop so he ends up with nothing. So many times I have seen a brother reduced to meaningless chatter because his initial advance was rebuffed by a comment from a girl, such as "wow, you're pretty weird," or, "yeah, no, we aren't going anywhere later?" The six aforementioned characteristics prevalent in my species are a consequence of this. In my mind they are forgivable offenses caused by that one particular force which men just don't know how to deal with: the intimidation induced by women. Yes, the lone Sufi, the omnipresent player, the maulana and all the others are the way they are in because of this. Women, and what fear they induce in us, is what all this is about. It comes down to the essential differences between how men court and how women are courted. Basically, we guys develop all our "methods" because we are chicken, don't know what we are doing, or because we are plain confused on what to do. What Works? ? The Battle Formation So, brothaz, here is the plan. Approach the potential woman of your dreams with a plan ? like the plan that the Sahaba used to have before battle. Use my successfully implemented Battle-Formation Plan and onto success you shall be. First step, find the target. Amongst any one target circle there is usually only one "prime objective." Any one group of brothers must first decide who this prime objective is. Whichever brother is most interested (or has evidence to show that he is more likely to succeed in conversation with the prime-objective) becomes the Point Man in the cavalry. First, he must send out the Scout. The Scout is a sniper. His job is to zero in on the Prime Objective and make certain that 1) there is no engagement ring on her finger 2) that she does not have jack-rabbit teeth or a hyena laugh 3) that she is free from some severe deformity and 4) that she is not someone's sister. The Scout, therefore, must be the most knowledgeable and well travelled of the battle group. He must also be reliable, and definitely have an agreeable face. Scary Scouts just intimidate the sisters. Once the Scout has given approval, the march begins with the Point Man leading his Wing Men. Then, here is the critical moment ? the Point Man must never become abandoned by his Wing-Men. The supporting cast is as important as the Point Man. If the Point Man is abandoned due to the laziness or the ineptitude of his Wing Men the point Men will be surrounded by a bunch of sisters and will either be severely embarrassed or resort to one of the aforementioned defensive mechanisms ? which always lead to failure. It is the job of the Point Man to directly make his way to the Prime Objective. The Wing Men must, I repeat must, entangle themselves in conversation with the Prime Objective's primary andsecondary defenses (usually cousins or friends). This conversation can be lame, sorry, boring or any of the above. But remember, a Point Man's friends are supposed to a reflection of his personality so I don't suggest such boring conversation. The best Wing Men are guys that already have girls. Hitched wing-men are able to have something besides you to talk about and can lower the defensives very swiftly. Anyhow, this should be enough time for the Point Man to establish contact (uh, verbally, of course) with the Prime Objective. I can't tell you how things work from there. Sheesh, am I supposed to tell you what to say now? Anyhow, there are some additional tactics which are not available to some brothers: Espionage. Find a brother with a fiance or a wife, get his approval, and ask her to enter "that circle of sisters" and dig up all the information out of the Primary Objective. In so doing you will be able to say all the right things when, and if, you manage to approach her. If you are privy to some secret information about the Prime Objective you can totally forego the support of your Wing-men and stake out on your own. But Mr. Bond, just remember, when you get shot down, you're on your own. Oh, and if you succeed, just be sure not to get caught with your spy later on. Well, there you are brothers. Follow the battle formation and find your soulmate. No one said that it would be anything but war. |
| 03/12/03 at 11:02:11 |
| theOriginal |
| Re: The Art of War |
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| bhaloo |
| 03/13/03 at 01:35:09 |
| [slm] Althought this was posted earlier I have been looking for more of Mufti Maybe's articles (no not for pointers, for amusement puposes only, really. :) ). Thanks, they are hillarious. |
| Re: The Art of War |
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| Barr |
| 03/13/03 at 06:30:13 |
| Assalamu'alaikum... This should be at the Ikhwan's Clubhouse... That place needs to be lightened up. Basketball, Crickets... bah.. boring :P |
| Re: The Art of War |
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| Tesseract |
| 03/14/03 at 02:23:22 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, [quote]This should be at the Ikhwan's Clubhouse... That place needs to be lightened up. Basketball, Crickets... bah.. boring [/quote] Ikhwan Health Club is supposedly for discussion amongst brothers, not for entertainment for sisters :D :D :D Wassalam. |
| Re: The Art of War |
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| Halima |
| 03/27/03 at 09:18:00 |
| Ah... theOriginal!!! You just made my insides ache with laughter. Astaghfirullah! To say it is hilarious will be an understatement. Now, I would love see one which describes the sisters' inconsitencies in dating. And yes, the Ikhwan Health Club needs lots of lightening!!! Halima |
| Re: The Art of War |
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| se7en |
| 04/03/03 at 14:10:01 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, [quote]Basically, we guys develop all our "methods" because we are chicken, don't know what we are doing, or because we are plain confused on what to do. [/quote] hmm you guys are trying too hard.. I'd suggest y'all stop with the freaky approaches.. as far as I know they are rarely if ever appreciated by the sister population :P At the last MSA conference I attended, someone asked Sh. Muhammad al-Shareef about what a bro should do if a sister "catches his eye" at a conference. He said the best approach is *not* to keep checking her out.. not only is doing so improper Islamically, but the sister might be married or engaged.. and so she'll think you're a sicko for trying to check out a married/engaged sister, and she'll tell all her single friends that you're a sicko and then you'll never get married :P the best method.. is not to approach the sis with some lame comment, or stare at her like a psycho from afar.. but to find a sister (your sister, your friend's sister, your brother's wife, your friend's wife, etc) to approach her in a nice, non-confrontational manner, and find out more about her, if she's available, etc. Sh. Muhammad concluded by saying it's definitely not a bad or dishonorable thing to be looking for a wife.. but the people who end up with the best wives are those who do things in an honorable way, and who constantly turn to Allah in duaa and are in a lot of ibaadah. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah :-) |
| 04/03/03 at 14:12:09 |
| se7en |
| Re: The Art of War |
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| Tesseract |
| 04/04/03 at 03:59:59 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, [quote]Sh. Muhammad concluded by saying it's definitely not a bad or dishonorable thing to be looking for a wife[/quote] *Phew* Man, what a relief :). Why don't I get to attend such lectures :P. [quote]but the people who end up with the best wives are those who do things in an honorable way, and who constantly turn to Allah in duaa and are in a lot of ibaadah.[/quote] So, now I need to find out what an 'honourable' way is? j/k. Wassalam. |
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