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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Husband vs. Activism? |
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| Anonymous |
| 03/12/03 at 14:06:49 |
| Assalamu Alaykum, I have recently been married to a man that I have come to love very much. Alhamdullillah. The only problem is that he is not into community involvement. Before we got married, he agreed that he will not come in between me and my work...but now, he is slowly changing. He drops hints often trying to figure out my "motivation" for being "out there". Whenever I talk to him directly about it, he says that he honestly supports me, and I would like to believe that. But he gets upset when I attend meetings, or do anything pertaining to halaqas, volunteering etc. I love my husband, and I know that I am supposed to listen to him. At the same time, I don't think its fair that I have to give up something that I do solely for the sake of Allah for him. How do I balance the two? For those active sisters out there, what would you/do you do when faced with this kind of contradiction? Should I just give up everything to make my husband happy (I know he will be ecstatic) or should I ignore his comments and keep doing my work? Jazakumu Allahu Khayran in advance for your responses. |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/12/03 at 16:29:01 |
| [slm] I say give up everything and make your husband happy.... :o, this is after you have determined that no persuading will work. Then when he is happy, content and not defensive.... approach him again and explain why it is important to you and the community. In the meantime...work behind the scenes at home. Every Dawah Center/Masjid can use someone's typing, computer skills. |
| 03/12/03 at 16:31:18 |
| Kathy |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| Faythful |
| 03/13/03 at 11:29:15 |
| Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. [i][/i]Khalil Gibran[i][/i] I think you should definitely try to keep up your activities. Maybe negotiate with your husband to, for example, once a week, and then you can do the rest from home. I don't think it would be healthy for you, or for your marriage, to give up what sounds like a part of your identity. This is something that's important enough that you talked to him about before marriage, so while I think it would be appropriate to negotiate some kind of arrangement, I don't think it's a good idea to give up your activism. |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| Dude |
| 03/16/03 at 11:26:45 |
| [quote]I say give up everything and make your husband happy.... , this is after you have determined that no persuading will work. Then when he is happy, content and not defensive.... approach him again and explain why it is important to you and the community. In the meantime...work behind the scenes at home. Every Dawah Center/Masjid can use someone's typing, computer skills. [/quote] Comming from a man and husband, there is a responsibility of the husband to make the wife happy too. The balance of happiness in the relationship needs to be 50% to be healthy. You give, you take. If the community related activities are helpull to others, and you enjoy them, your husband needs to accept this. Talk to him...hopefully he comes around. |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| Barr |
| 03/17/03 at 09:46:17 |
| Assalamu'alaikum, Dear sis... I can somehow feel the uneasiness and heaviness in your heart, as I read your post. I guess, it is always difficult to part with something that has shape us into who we are. Especially, when someone whom we love and trust does not seem to understand the passion that we have in our hearts. Husband or da'wah? I once read about a woman who would choose da'wah above her husband... and had made her husband promise to support her in her work.. because she knows that this work is not a part-time job, where it was done when "we r free".. but she has promised her life and soul to this work... where she is willing to live and die for Islam - she's Zainab AlGhazali. Perhaps, she is one in a million... but the point is.. what is in your soul.. that makes U tick? Wot I think you would have to ask yourself is.. how important is this to you. Wot r the promises that you have made between you and Allah. And wot are the commitments that you have laid in your life between the people around you, that you have set out to do. Are you willing to give them up? If so.. how much. Sis... to me, if we have to give up something because of a man.. then, I hope we make sure that we reap a lot more than we give up. InshaALlah, since U have talked to your husband abt this.. maybe, you can find out further why he feels this way...for I assume that your responsibilities have yet to be more heavily weighed with children, as U have recently married? And then, weigh those reasons that he shared with you, with your commitments. Sometimes, the reasons.. are nothing but fears that does not require you to stop. While sometimes it is... I am inclined to all of the advice above... Your priority is your relationship but you have a priority to Allah as well, and there r somethings that we have to sacrifice for the relationship, as much as there are things we have to sacrifice for Allah... And this is something both of you have to do.. not only you. And another thing is... he promised. He made a promise, sis. Sis.. if he has promised you, then, perhaps, that promise can be taken to task. Wot is a promise, when it is ever changing, yet it can be held accountable in front of Allah? Coz... somehow, I don't think the issue is about your work.. but something else.... U may want to slow down your activity to get to know wot's really bothering him... but I hope it would not develop into a life that is in expense of you being active again. Sometimes, it is the people whom we love who becomes a major trial for us. I am not saying that U rebel.. no.. but take some time out...do find out, but don't let him take you away from wot you have promised Allah to do... and has made you wot you are. Allahua'lam :-) [i][center] Those of the believers who sit still, other than those who have a (disabling) hurt, are not on an equality with those who strive in the way of Allah with their wealth and lives. Allah hath conferred on those who strive with their wealth and lives a rank above the sedentary. Unto each Allah hath promised good, but He hath bestowed on those who strive a great reward above the sedentary; Surah An-Nisa 4:95 [/i][/center] |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| amatullah |
| 03/17/03 at 20:32:15 |
| [wlm] dear anon. I understand how you feel. I have been in similar situations and maybe in some way but to different degrees all the married muslims men and women have been faced with something similar. First I want you to remember the first 2 years of marriage are the hardest. and if you put an honest effort to compromise to keep the boat moving, you will see Allah's blessings on you both. I mean it sounds he is a good person and you love him (ie. not abusing you etc). with time he may not see it the same way. Educate him in different ways. Next i tend to agree with Kathy. It is more of an obligation for you to please him and be a good wife to him than it is for you to be doing da'wah. Allah does not give you the reward of Jihad for it for no reason. It is quite difficult thing to do. listen to this: Yazeed ibn As-Sakan (radiallahu 'anhaa) that she went to the Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and said, "O Messenger of Allaah, may my father and mother be sacrificed for you. I have come to you on behalf of the women. Verily Allaah has sent you to men and women. We have believed in you. We do not go out and we remain in your homes. We are your source of physical pleasure. We carry your children. A man goes out to pray jum'ah and jamaa'ah, and follows the janaazah. And if you go out for hajj, or 'umrah, or jihaad, we look after your wealth. We wash your clothing. We raise your children. Shall we not share in the reward?" The Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam) turned to his Companions and said, "Have you ever heard anything a woman has said better than what she has said?" Then he said to her, "Understand O woman, and inform the other women. Indeed a woman's perfection of her relationship with her husband, her seeking his pleasure, and doing that which he approves of is equivalent to all of that." Asmaa left exclaiming "Laa ilaaha illallaah. " there is a story i am not sure this is exactly how it is but close: about a woman who her husban left out from town and he told her before he goes not to leave the house. So she heard her father dying and she wanted to see him and she sent someone to ask the prophet [saw] if she can go and he sent back that she should listen to her husband. Then the father died, then they did his janaza prayer and she wanted to go and she asked again and the prophet [saw] again said not to. Obviously this is a STRONG need she has to go and it is very hard on her. Then when it was all over. the prophet [saw] told her that Allah has let her father enter paradise by virtue of her being patient. so you [i]reap[/i] alot. It is in Allah's hands and He surely most able to. I don't believe your relationship with your husband is seperate from your relationship to Allah. I truely believe your number one is your relationship to Allah. And if this what He prefers of you, then that is the better choice to make. He has told us through the tongue of His prophet that your husband is your jannah or your nar. see where you are in your relationship to him and it is an indication. Ask Allah the ajir, patience and to guide both of you to that which pleases Him the most. Also, be a smart woman...if he doesn't want you to go to a halqa for example then you make him commit a certain time to teach you a different topic. I am sure after a while he won't keep up the research or the commitment, then you approach him again about that is your right to learn and if it is easier -->for him <-- (LOL) you will go to halaqa where different women are preparing it. try to limit your interaction to women events. You will still get reward for doing da'wah and put the young lover's jealousy at ease maybe? After many years, they are not as jealous :) |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 03/28/03 at 21:43:54 |
| [slm] excellent reply Barr |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| jaihoon |
| 03/29/03 at 01:05:09 |
| [quote author=amatullah link=board=madrasa;num=1047496009;start=0#5 date=03/17/03 at 20:32:15] [wlm] dear anon. Also, be a smart woman...if he doesn't want you to go to a halqa for example then you make him commit a certain time to teach you a different topic. I am sure after a while he won't keep up the research or the commitment, then you approach him again about that is your right to learn and if it is easier -->for him <-- (LOL) you will go to halaqa where different women are preparing it [/quote] That REALLY is smart ;) ladies always have their own way of getting things dine, a nice way in this case ;) |
| Re: Husband vs. Activism? |
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| amatullah |
| 03/30/03 at 08:16:27 |
| I just want to copy part of something a brother (May Allah reward him abundantly) wrote for me about the story of the woman the one who her father died: "While the lessons you interpreted from this story may be appropriate, just wanted to point out that this story is known to be a fabricated hadith. Though it is included in the Ihya by Imam Ghazali, it has been classified as mawdoo. Shaykh Abdullah Adhami mentions this story and its fabricated status, for example, in his Gender Relations lecture series." May Allah increase us all in knowledge and guide us to the path which pleaes Him the most. |
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