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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| How to say no? |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/17/03 at 23:10:06 |
| Assalamo Alaikom, I kind of have a problem. Well, this fellow worker of mine proposed to me today. He's a very nice person, and he seems to be relativly religious, but I don't know. I was kind of taken by surprise, and I'm not particularliy attracted to this person. I just did Istikhara, and inshallah Allah will help me, but I don't know what to say to this person, and it's quite likely that I will run into him very soon. There's another problem. It's also quite likely that my parents would not approve of him as they would rather I marry someone of the same ethnic origin as myself (well; really the same country; we're both of Arab origin). What do I say to him if I want to refuse but I don't want to embaress him/hurt his feelings? Jazzakum allahu Khairan, Wassalam, |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| Tesseract |
| 04/18/03 at 00:33:02 |
| Wa'alaikum Assalam wa Rahmatullah, [quote]he seems to be relativly religious[/quote] U said u did istikharah, so let him know the results of istikhara, and it shouldn't be a problem for him to accept it if he is religious as u say. Istikhara is counselling with Allah (awj), and there is no guidance better than the guidance of Allah (awj). Hope it helps. Wassalam. |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| Mulla |
| 04/18/03 at 01:59:49 |
| if you cannot say it to his face, write him a decent letter and explain ur situation..... Thats how simple it is..... Mulla |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| lightningatnite |
| 04/18/03 at 18:07:10 |
| [slm] Isthikhara means giving the decision to Allah. One should not have a preconceived opinion based on one's own desires when making istikhara. Istikhara can be made on every decision. The very close people to God make istikhara in even what we would consider the most mundane choices (for ex. what to eat). There is a prayer for istikhara, but one can learn more and more to rely on Allah's decisions. Allah is the best to decide. The Prophet taught that a women should base her decision on a man according to his deen and character. If it pleases you, than that is a good indication. Feeling "in love" is not a basis taught by the Prophet. A relationship should be based on deen. If a husband and a wife love each other for the sake of Allah alone, Allah will love them. |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| deenb4dunya |
| 04/20/03 at 01:32:17 |
| [slm] [quote]Isthikhara means giving the decision to Allah. One should not have a preconceived opinion based on one's own desires when making istikhara. Istikhara can be made on every decision. [/quote] Consider this situation: A person has a decision to make. It is quite simple- basically should I do this or not. Should he think about it, consult people, come to their decision and then do istikhara... OR Do istikhara and then think about it, solicit other opinions and then come to a decision. OR EITHER OR. Basically, does one come to their istikhara with their mind made up? If possible, if you could provide some daleel, as I may need to explain/ convince someone of the prefered method in doing istikhara. Jazaakumullaahu Khayran in advance, Wassalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah, Deen :-) |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| Abu_Hamza |
| 04/20/03 at 02:32:01 |
| [slm] Anonymous, have you thought about telling this man to contact your parents? Telling him "no" through your parents may be an easier way to go about this, wallahu a'lam. Deenb4dunya, thinking about your questions in relation to what was said by br. lightningatnite... I think what the brother has said needs to be clarified further. What exactly is meant by "preconceived opinions?" Surely it cannot mean a simple inclination towards one of the two choices in front of the decision maker, because that is inevitable. Let's consider the most commonly cited example for istikharah: a marriage. Consider a brother who is single, looking for a wife, is presented with a sister who seems pious and devout. The brother, upon preliminary examination sees goodness in the sister, and feels he should pursue the matter further. So he prepares to do just that, and make istikharah as well. Now, would you say he already has a preconceived opinion about the sister, i.e. he *wants* to marry her so he shouldn't do istikharah? In my opinion, not quite. Work with the same example. This person pursues the sister, and makes blunders along the way. He interacts with the sister too much, and in ways that are inappropriate, and ends up falling in love with her. What he finds out later is the sister is not all that devout afterall. However, he is so blinded by passion that he cannot see the true nature of the sister. He doesn't see what's there, and sees what's not there. At this point, his parents tell the brother to reconsider his decision. However, whatever the parents say does not make sense to the brother. He wants this marriage to go through! Now there's a struggle between the parents and the son. The son will not heed to the advice of the parents, because he has already made a decision in his heart. *Now* if he performs istikharah, will he be making it with a preconceived opinion about the sister? In my opinion, yes. The difference in the first case is the brother hasn't made a *decision.* He simply has an *inclination* towards one of two choices. And having that kind of an inclination towards a choice is natural in any case where an istikharah is to be performed. Exactly 50-50 cases are very rare. In fact, what I would say is one has to move out of the 50-50 phase before perorming istikharah. If someone is stuck at the 50-50 phase, making istikharah doesn't make any sense. I say this because if you look closely to the du'aa of istikharah itself, you'll note that you are asking Allah to help you get nearer or away from *a* matter. "Haadhal amr" means *one* amr, not two of them! So if you're split 50-50 between two choices, what will be your "amr" in the du'aa?! So hopefully that point is clarified about having inclination towards one or the other option that is in front of you, for which you are making istikharah. An *inclination* is all you should have. Not a firm decision. Wallahu a'lam. Additionally, I must say here that istikharah should not only be made once. It should be made repeatedly, until the act for which the istikharah is being made is completed. In the case of marriage, continue making istikharah until you are married (or rejected the proposal). In case of accepting or rejecting a job, continue making it until you have started working at the job (or rejected the offer), etc. There are stages and phases for every at. The istikharah should not only be made at the first phase of the act, but at every phase, until the act is completed. I know a brother who, during his preliminary talks with a sister who he was considering for marriage, would make istikharah each time he sent an email to her (asking her questions, or responding to her questions)! Also while I'm at it, I guess I can mention a common misconception that people have about the result of istikharah. The result is not necessarily a dream, or a feeling, or a "sign." The result of an istikharah can come in any way (including those I just mentioned). It can be a simple turn of events, or natural obstacles that come along your way. It could be something that someone says to you in a manner of giving advice that makes a light bulb go on in your head, and makes you think of something you didn't think about before! (This is also an answer to your question about whether or not you should consult with people *after* you pray istikharah). And so on. Allah (awj) chooses the sabab [means] to help you make the better decision. And we don't know what the means will be. Another related misconception is that one must wait for the "sign" or "answer" to the istikharah before moving forward with a decision. No. You move forward, in the direction of the "amr", soon after you perform the istikharah. Not waiting for a "sign" to tell you to go ahead or to abandon it. Again, the "answer" to the istikharah may come in the form of obstacles (or ease) in the process of your moving towards the "amr". Finally, let's say you make istikharah for marrying a certain someone. And there is a clear answer in the positive for the istikharah. So you go ahead with the marriage. Then, two years later, you find yourself going through a divorce. Don't think that the istikharah did not work! It did work. What happened to you was still the best thing that could have happened to you. Just because it doesn't turn out to be the way you *want* it to, doesn't mean it was not best for you... Wallahu ta'ala a'lam. Wassalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh |
| 04/20/03 at 02:45:08 |
| Abu_Hamza |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| momineqbal |
| 04/20/03 at 03:28:10 |
| [slm], Is there any incident in seerah where someone was advised by the Prophet [saw], or any of his companions to make istikharah speicifically on marriage issue? Or is istikharah a general advice from the Prophet [saw] regarding any decision we face in our life? |
| 04/20/03 at 03:29:17 |
| momineqbal |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| Abu_Atheek |
| 04/20/03 at 04:43:14 |
| [slm] [center]Seeking God’s help on important decisions [i]By Dr Muhammad Kamal Al-Shareef[/i][/center] It is important to realize that anxiety is always related to the future. We may grieve or be sorry about what might have happened in the past, but we never experience anxiety regarding it. It is what will happen tomorrow that may give us all anxiety. A person may often need to take some steps concerning a matter of importance in his life. He may have options and choices open to him. He may either choose to take a particular measure or refrain from taking it or he may have the choice between two different options, or he may indeed choose between several options. When he weighs up his options, he realizes that each has its points of advantage, and carries some negative points as well. He feels that should he opt for a particular course of action to ensure some gain, he will lose out on the benefit achieved through a different choice that may be open to him. Or he may feel that the advantage he is certain to gain through a particular measure will not come without a price he has to pay. All this leaves the person concerned in a state of worry, fearing to make the wrong choice, or that his choice will cause him to miss out on higher benefits. That leads to a sort of internal conflict, which psychologists describe as a conflict between action and inaction. The conflict could easily develop into anxiety that is bound to increase if one's worry and internal conflict becomes greater. It is a particularly troublesome sort of anxiety that causes man to be in constant worry. It may deprive him of sleep and comfort. In order to avoid such worry and the anxiety that results from it, and to be able to deal with it and overcome it when it occurs, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) has taught us to seek God's help in making our choices in important matters. That means to pray God to grant us what is best in any such matter, choosing for us what is of benefit to us in this world and in the life to come. Seeking God's help in such a situation is known as istikharah, and it is done by offering two rakaahs of voluntary prayers followed by a special supplication. The Prophet has encouraged us to repeat this istikharah seven times, which together may not take more than half an hour. After that we should try to ascertain how we feel about the [i]option[/i] which, before doing the istikharah, we were about to choose. We either feel now more inclined to it, in which case we take our decision in its favor and go ahead with it, placing our trust in God that the choice is to be to our benefit. Or, alternatively, we find ourselves less inclined, or even averse to it. In this case we refrain from doing it. It must be borne in mind that istikharah is not answered through a dream or a vision. It is the inner feeling that we experience after we have completed it. The Prophet says: "Before you embark on something, seek God's help in making your choice seven times. Then determine the option to which you are more inclined, for in that you are certain to have what is to your benefit.” (Related by At-Tirmithi, Ibn Majah and Al-Hakim.) The supplication that we should say in istikharah is contained in the following Hadith: "When any of you embarks on something of importance, let him offer two rakaahs other than obligatory prayers, then follow it with this supplication: My Lord, I seek Your choice on the basis of Your knowledge, and Your support through Your power, and I appeal to You to bestow on me Your abundant grace. You certainly know, while I do not know, and You are certainly able while I am weak, and You know everything. My Lord, if You know that this matter (at this point the person should mention the choice concerned) is good for me in my faith and my daily life as well as in my future, then choose it and facilitate it for me, and make it a blessed choice. But if You know it to be bad for me in my faith, life and future, then keep it away from me and steer me away from it, and choose for me what is good whatever it may be, and make me feel content with it. There is no power but Yours." (Related by Al-Bukhari, Ahmad, and others) The sort of anxiety that is generated by the conflict of action or inaction, when a person feels that the advantages of any choice he makes are counterbalanced by disadvantages is particularly troublesome. It is even more acutely so when the person concerned is unable to make a choice in favor of one option rather than another, because, like all human beings, he is unable to discern the future. This sort of anxiety is often very difficult to treat in the normal methods of treatment modern psychiatry administers. It is often the case that a person's keenness to have what is advantageous and his worry about making the wrong decision and opting for the wrong choice ultimately deprive him of what is to his benefit and bring him what is to his disadvantage. Both keenness to achieve what is good and worry over what may be disadvantageous are perfectly normal feelings. Moreover, a psychotherapist cannot get round the fact that all human beings remain ignorant of what the future may bring. Hence it is wrong for a psychotherapist to try to resolve the issue on behalf of his patient, directing him to choose a particular option. It may well be that his decision proves to be wrong and he would be put to blame. Moreover, when a psychotherapist makes a choice on behalf of his patient, he undermines the ultimate goal of psychotherapy, which is to help the patient to be able to make his own choices and bear responsibility for them. Hence the only way is to refer to the One who knows everything in the universe, seeking His help and guidance. Thus we benefit by the light of faith in matters of this world. [i]Islam in Perspective[/i] - “Arab News” - 26 June 2000 |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| ibnasabil |
| 04/20/03 at 14:12:00 |
| [slm] I believe that Istikhaara, generally, is for occasions when it is somewhat difficult to make a decision. In the book Hisnul Haseen, there's a special d'ua for istikhaara when considerring whether to propose or not. Maybe he should pray istikhaara himself, ifhe hasn't. As for being on the receiving side of a proposal, it's probably best to consult with a local alim or alima on how to proceed without infringing on the brother's dignity if you don't want to marry him. Marrying for deen is the criterion, but there's nothing wrong with marrying somebody who you're attracted to if his deen is sahih. As for hurting his feelings, that's probably inevitable if you're turning down his proposal, and rejection is part of maturity. In any case, it would be better adab on his part to make such a proposal through your wali, i.e. your father/representative in this matter, so you should refer the man to your father, insh Allah. And Allah knows best. |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| deenb4dunya |
| 04/20/03 at 21:58:33 |
| Jazaakallaahu Khyran Br.Abu_Hamza :) |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/24/03 at 13:58:03 |
| Salams Please don't give him hope by telling him to go to your parents only to say no. He should have approached you through your parents/wali/someone else anyways, but since he has disregarded that and approached you directly there must be a truthful polite way to say no thank you. As for your parents preferring because of ethnicity (ie even if it means the same arab country) you never know they might not object. Get a feel from your parents. If you think there is a chance it might work out then send him to your parents. Otherwise sister, please don't break the brother's heart. |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| Barr |
| 04/25/03 at 23:35:21 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :) Something from an old thread which U may find useful, inshaAllah. click here ==> [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1037212481] More on Istikharah[/url] click here ==> [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=4405]More on men and their feelings when women said no... and istikharah[/url] click here ==> [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=3167]More on men and their feelings when they want to continue with the fight.. and istikharah[/url] The things you find when U're digging the ARK! Wassalam :-) |
| 04/25/03 at 23:51:43 |
| Barr |
| Re: How to say no? |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 04/26/03 at 02:57:43 |
| [slm] Wow sister Barr! jazak Allahu Kayron for posting those links to the old board. you guys were so kewl bak then! what happend to all the kwl peeps? haha jk you guys are kewl..but neway that was hilarious! looks like you guys had a good ol time in the old board. -God Bless- your sister ps hehe can u believe it ...my post are 201 now...heh not that im counting. :) pss Sister Anon May Allah(swt) make things easy on you...and hope everything works out for the best , insh'Allah |
| 04/26/03 at 03:01:15 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
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