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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Road to repentance |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/22/03 at 23:06:58 |
| Assalamu'alaikum I'm in a mess right now and I hope that my brothers and sisters in islam can give me some encoragement to proceed on.. I'm a sister and is a born muslim. However I failed Allah's test and indulge myself in zina for abt 3 yrs with my boyfriend then.He's a muslim too. I am very disappointed with myself as prior to that 3 yrs I am quite a practising muslim and did carry out what is expected of me as a muslim. During those 3 yrs, I was guilt stricken everytime tat haram act was carried out and time and again I did try to end the relationship but emotions got the better of me and on top of that I didn't get my partner's support. Alhamdulillah I managed to end the realationship.It has been abt 6 mths that I have refrain myself from tis haram act and I am immersing myself in the road to recovery. However I feel very hopeless and fearful that despite my efforts in getting close to Allah, waking up to do my tahajjud, reading the quran, attends islamic classes and sunnah fasting I will still be doing such major sins as that was what happened before. And brothers and sisters these fear and hopelessness grew when I started [..] to release 'those' needs I begin to qns then the significance of those efforts. Why can't these amal be like a buffer from me commiting these sins.Sometimes I feel like giving up all these deeds. It seems that no matter how hard I tried I can't rectify the whole thg. At times I feel that marriage might help me to solve this prob.. but who would want a sister like me.. And despite my past I still want to marry a gud muslim bro.. somethg which I feel is not realistic though. I can't carry on wif life feeling so dirty in Allah's eyes.. sometimes I feel ashamed to face Allah coz at one moment I'll be crying and asking and the next I will be indulging myself. I feel so unmotivated to carry out my duties as a muslim at times.. and coz of tat I sometimes purposely miz my fardhu prayers especially after doing that act [..]. Time and again I tried to stop but I can manage to suppress those needs for a day or 2 tryg to divert my attention to smthg else but it creeps in again on the 3rd day and I'll fail. What should I do.. I feel so trap and lost.. I feel like I'm having a disease wif me.. [Edited by Admin] |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| jannah |
| 04/22/03 at 23:39:31 |
| [wlm] Sister your story reminds me of this story: Life's Index Cards. I'll post it at the bottom. All of our deeds are weighed at the end so I don't think you should stop all those good things you are doing inshaAllah. But what I wanted to say to you is that even if you committed sins from the earth to the heavens and you repented sincerely Allah would forgive you. But the issue is to sincerely repent... and what is Sincere Repentance? That is your job to find out inshaAllah. There are many excellent books on this subject like this one: Sincere Repentance Ghazali, Jawziya & Hanbali 57 pg PB This book is 6 dollars sister.. Not a lot to try to find repentance for one's sins right... So check it out and others inshaallah. It is a step forward.. Also I would suggest to you marriage as a halal solution to your needs. This thread about How to maintain Chastity? might help you as well... http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=lighthouse;action=display;num=1050139749 May Allah guide you InshaAllah ============================================== *********************************************************** In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in a room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small indexcard files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "People I Have Liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 30 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People that I Have Taught About Allah". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. |
| 04/22/03 at 23:41:02 |
| jannah |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 04/23/03 at 01:12:00 |
| [wlm] sister Ya Allah ...May Allah (swt) forgive you and protect us all. Here is something I read when I was going through the articles In jannah.org that might help also...please read it: http://www.jannah.org/articles/dorm.html |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| bhaloo |
| 04/23/03 at 01:24:47 |
| [slm] This is just so very sad to hear that this behavior took place. :( It is one of the most major of sins. May Allah (SWT) forgive you, and I pray you never go back to that lifestyle, and I pray that Allah (SWT) protects ALL Muslims from this type of sin, a sin that destorys society. There's an excellent audio out there called Ahmed the Repenter: http://www.iisna.com/audio/repenter1.ram Its about an hour long (its a true story, about someone that did what you did, and his path to repentence, and the emotions he felt and what he went through, the story kicks in about 15 to 20 mins into the lecture). Also an excellent online book on Repentance is, I want to repent but... http://63.175.194.25/books/wantrepent/english.html Please sister, do not abandon the required duties of Islam, because perfomring them will help in your recovery. May Allah (SWT) guide us all. |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| BrKhalid |
| 04/23/03 at 06:32:40 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) Sister I remember the time when I had just passed my driving test and I was a fairly inexperienced driver. I was driving at night with my mother and brother. We were talking and my mind wasn’t really fully on the road and the next minute I see this truck coming towards me from the other side. Alhamdulillah I managed to avoid him and we were safe but it was a real shocker for me. I had been driving too fast and was not really concentrating on the road ahead. For days after I didn’t want to get back into the driving seat. I didn’t feel I could do it, I didn’t feel I had control over the vehicle I drove. For one of the first times in my life I knew real fear. But you know the hardest part? It certainly wasn’t the actual driving but having the courage to open the door again and actually getting in the car. Before then I would make any excuse not to drive and would let others take the wheel. To me there’s a moment in life where we all reach a stage where we ask ourselves can we do it? Can we get back behind the wheel? Can we return to the path of Allah? Can we overcome our nafs and our desires and our fears? At some point we all have to take the first sincere step back to Allah (even if in my case it meant my brother frogmarching me to the car ;-) ) As the Brits say "by hook or by crook" you have to make that first step because you don’t want to die in that condition. Its only human to regret something one has done and wish that we could erase all trace of it from any record. But wait…what does Allah say in the Qur’an about sincere repentance? [color=Red]“And those who cry not unto any other god along with Allah, nor take the life which Allah hath forbidden save in (course of) justice, nor commit adultery - and whoso doeth this shall pay the penalty; The doom will be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein disdained for ever; Save him who repenteth and believeth and doth righteous work; as for such, Allah will change their evil deeds to good deeds. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.[25:68-70] [/color] How Merciful is our Lord such that He not only forgives our sins but actually changes them into good deeds on the condition of sincere repentance? Hence my advice sister would be to forget the past and only concern yourself with your future. It seems you have started on the road to repentance and that is the hardest part. For sure you will be tested on the way but remember this is a sign that Shaitan wants you to slip again and hence take comfort from being tested and patiently persevere. At least go before Allah and say to Him you tried and not only once but you picked yourself up every time you got hit. Never give up on the mercy of Allah. [i]Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of God: for God forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful [39:53][/i] |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| Abu_Atheek |
| 04/23/03 at 06:47:41 |
| Wa Alaikum Salam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh Jazakallahu Khairan, BrKhalid, for the excellent counsel and reminder. May Allah Almighty shower His Mercy on this sister. You are in our prayers. |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| M.F. |
| 04/23/03 at 08:00:23 |
| assalamu alaikum, whatever you do, don't make yourself feel like your prayers and good deeds are useless, or that you're "too dirty" to pray.... those thoughts come directly from the shaytan, who wants to deprive you of those good deeds that Allah has allowed you to do. Allah has really blessed you by allowing you go get out of that relationship and by making you feel the need to repent. Just keep up your good deeds, Allah IS accepting them, and your repentance IS accepted as long as you really resolve not to go back. There's no reason for you to go back as you know it'll only make you miserable, so insha Allah you'll be fine. |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| Nomi |
| 04/23/03 at 08:03:09 |
| [slm] all I would like to comment on the marriage part but first of all let me tell you that, my sister, all of us do sin, some less some more, some minor some major and the posts above clearly explain that our Creator, Our Allah is the most mericiful and my sister repentance consists of three things, as far as i know.. 1) One should feel guilty for what one has done wrong 2) Ask forgiveness of Allah 3) Promise Allah and one's own self that one would never do that sin again and i think u've done just that so congrats, now i'll come back to the point on which i wanted to comment i.e. the issue of marriage ... who'll marry u... well my sister to begin with, you should try and practice islam more, slowly but surely start observing hijaab if u dont observe it at the moment... the reason i'm asking u to do all that is... there are "many" brothers around us who seek practicing sisters and if someone approaches you or your parents with the intent of marrying you then may be u'll tell him that your past life was sinful! well i dont know but one way or another u'll have to tell him because otherwise you'll always live with this fear that whatif ur life partner somehow gets to know about ur past life and all that There are more chances that a religious persoj will understand u better than a non-practicing brother and obviously things dont happen in a flash so you'll have to be patient and keep practicing islam like it should be without breaking any rules inshAllah, alternatively your parents can always try and refer someone to you to get married to so dont worry about this issue just stay focused, keep on track and Allah will help you i would like to quote something here just to buck you up Forests are lovely dark and deep but i've got promises to keep and miles to go before i sleep keep striving in the path of Allah as its the path to jannah inshAllah, life of hereafter is infinite.... "in fi nite :)" .. go for it sister Allah Hafiz your brother in islaam Asim Zafar [ a_s_i_m_20@yahoo.com ] |
| 04/23/03 at 08:28:20 |
| Nomi |
| O My servants, you sin by niRe: Road to repentance |
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| mr-bean |
| 04/23/03 at 09:12:37 |
| [slm] sister....there is a story in the quran just for you...a precedent for your situation.... it is the most beautiful story....the story of Yusof and Zuleka...chapter/surah 12 of the quran. Yusuf was Allah's chosen, and Zuleka tried to tempt him with zina, and he would have succumbed had Allah not given him special strength and shown him certain signs.... so although zuleka may not have committed zina, she clearly wanted to. so what was her fate? was she damned by Allah for her egregious behaviour toward Allah's beloved? Was she deprived of Allah's mercy? No. Allah showed her extraordinary kindness. It goes as follows....She repented, and when the ruler came to her to ask her opinion of Yusuf -- she did not defend herself and blame Yusuf. She blamed herself, admitted her guilt, and praised him: "ana hashasal haqqu, ana rawattuhu an yusuf, wa innahu la minas sadiqueen..." The truth is clear -- it was I who tried to seduce him, and he is utterly truthful..." Her admission of guilt was sincere, and her repentence sincere, and it seems Allah became pleased with her. And how did Yusuf react when he got out of prison? Did he hate her for sending him to prison for so many years? Did he loathe and scold her? No. What he said, is perhaps one the most beautiful verses in the entire quran (and my favorite) He said: "wa ma ubarri-yu nafsi, innan nafsa la ammaratu bis suu illa ma rahima rabbi, inna rabbi ghafurur raheem" .....which means: I myself am not free from blame. Truly, the human soul inclines toward sin and evil....except when Allah grants mercy...and Allah is full of mercy, always forgiving... (12:54) So, he overlooked her mistake and faults (even though he had languished in prison for years because of them) and blamed himself....and then said that none of us is free from sin, and the only way we can avoid it is when Allah grants us special mercy... And then according to tafsir like at-tabari he married her out of compassion. Can you imagine! Such was the reward for sincere repentance. This is just too amazing... So the moral of the story is (at least according my understanding) [color=Green]To err is human....but to repent...well that is angelic[/color] So repent, and try to stay away from sin, and never, never lose hope, as Allah always listens to his servant's prayers "If they ask about me, say I am always near. I listen to the prayer of every supplicant..." (2:186) And remember 2 things: (1) the one thing that can Allah upset [i]is if you lose hope[/i]. Allah has said: "Never despair of the mercy of Allah, whoever loses hope of Allah's mercy has disbelieved" (12:87) (2) Allah forgives all sins: [color=green] "O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you." Hadith qudsi "O child of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O child of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O child of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it. " Hadith qudsi [/color] |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| al-tawbah |
| 04/23/03 at 23:21:21 |
| asalamu alaikum masha allah, you have repented! we cannot erase our pasts, but we can repent of them and learn from them. your remorse shows that your repentance is sincere. i have my own sins that i have repented of, and so i would not hesistate to marry a sister because of hers. while we may know that a particular act is wrong, allah*swt* alone shall judge us. while we cannot simply say, "oh sorry, lord, my bad." and continue on with the sin, allah*swt* is merciful and oft forgiving because he knows that we are vulnerable to shaitan whispering in our ears. and all that we need do for this forgiveness is repent. as remorseful as you are over this, i would venture to say that your repentance is sincere. take your repentance and nurture it. revel in it. insha allah, you will find that this can draw you closer to him. our emotional distress and shame that we feel when we realize how we have failed our tests can be used to make us pass them once again. insha allah, at a certain point, you will see that repentance serves to bring glory to allah*swt* wasalaam |
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| paula |
| 04/24/03 at 00:16:08 |
| [slm][size=2][font=Verdana][color=Navy] Bi'ithnillah --- Sister Anonymous .... The trials in life can sometimes feel so heavy.... only Allah(swt) knows when he may break that trial for you..... everyone here has really expressed ... don't give up on Allah(swt) he won't give up on you.... Insha Allah.... Allahu Alam. There are so many definitions of sin ...... we are all human and fall short ... we all must seek repentance ... And only Allah(swt) is judge of the weight of our deeds... only Allah (swt) knows what resides in our hearts.... All-Seer, All-Knower, All-Wise. My suggestion would be (along with [u]all[/u] that has already been posted). Hand your burden to him through your repentance and submission and let him be your judge, continue with all your good deeds and seeking increased knowledge for his sake. Allah(swt) has advised us he is ever so Merciful, when we are truly sincere. [quote]May Allah Almighty shower His Mercy on this sister. You are in our prayers. [/quote] ---- Ameen [/color][/font][/size] [wlm] |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| Nomi |
| 04/24/03 at 03:34:32 |
| [slm] all Sister Anonymous .... You can save them [ur feelings ] if u want but i was looking forward to your post, about what u r feeling after reading all these replies.. just a thought a brother in islaam Asim Zafar PS: All of us fight our evil all the time, as for me.. sometimes the devil gets the better of me, BUT, most of the time i punch him right on the nose :)... try it in ur imagination and with ur deeds, you'll feel better inshAllah :) |
| 04/24/03 at 03:50:14 |
| Nomi |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| merimda |
| 04/24/03 at 04:32:34 |
| Salam, Alhamdulillah I found it! I'm so happy! ^_^ Sis, when I read your post it reminded me of something I had read not to long ago and alhamdullilah I found it so I could share it with you: *** Ibn al-Qayyim (r.a.) - Al-Waabilus-Sayyib minal-Kalimit-Tayyib ( p. 15) One of the Salaf (Pious Predecessors) said: "Indeed a servant commits a sin by which he enters Paradise; and another does a good deed by which he enters the Fire." It was asked: How is that? So he replied: "The one who committed the sin, constantly thinks about it; which causes him to fear it, regret it, weep over it and feel ashamed in front of his Lord -the Most High - due to it. He stands before Allaah, broken-hearted and with his head lowered in humility. So this sin is more beneficial to him than doing many acts of obedience, since it caused him to have humility and humbleness - which leads to the servant's happiness and success - to the extent that this sin becomes the cause for him entering Paradise. As for the doer of good, then he does not consider this good a favour from his Lord Upon him. Rather, he becomes arrogant and amazed with himself, saying: I have achieved such and such, and such and such . So this further increases him in self adulation, pride and arrogance - such that this becomes the cause for his destruction." |
| 04/27/03 at 11:45:19 |
| merimda |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/24/03 at 14:02:09 |
| Assalaamu alaikum, I was reading these posts from all of these beautiful brothers and sisters and subhanallah, I am stuck by the mercy they show even knowing what you have done. And it then occured to me that subhanallah Allah is even more merciful then any one of us -- he is the most Merciful. He loves you more than your own mother. I know from personal experience that it is difficult to let those facts penetrate your heart when in fact your heart is perhaps still trying to recover from this sin... the only cure is to: 1. Immerse yourself with consistent good deeds. And I pray inshaAllah, slowly slowly it will penetrate your heart. May constant dua for Allah to purify you from this and all other sins. 2. Get married as quickly as possible to someone with good deen and character. Make constant dua that Allah helps you to find this person. This advise is for myself and you. Take care sis, and may Allah guide you always. wa salaamu alaikum |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/24/03 at 14:03:58 |
| Assalamu'alaikum May this mail reach all of you in the best state of iman and health. Jazaakallahukhairan kathiran to all my brothers and sisters who have made the time to reply to my mail. Alhamdulillah for Allah has given me an opportunity to 'meet' all of you. I have been greatly reminded and inspired by the messages that have came in. Mashallah I was glad that I finally took that courage to post my situation in Madina. Despite being anonymous I feel great fear and embarrasment typing tat.I have opened up a part of me that I have kept shut inside all this while. But the desperation of wanting to make a change in my life, to have Allah back in my life force me to put those fears aside. May I take tis opportunity to remind my brothers and sisters out there to never ever take the nikmat that Allah has given us for granted. Like I mentioned before, I was a practising muslim before this incident took place. I don the hijab, I was actively involve with muslim youth organisations, I was attending classes for a diploma in an islamic institue. In fact then, never in my wildest imagination wuld I ever tot that I can commit such a sin.. The hardest part to swallow is tat I did it not when I was ignorant.. and that shakes my confident very much..However I feel slightly betta now with the excerpt from Surah Yusuf, Bro Khalid's experience, the narration by ibn Qayyim, and the prayers from all of you. I can't thank u guys enuff for all that. I pray hard that all of you will always be under the umbrella of Allah's protection. our deeds will never promise us jannah or Allah's forgiveness. And I was reminded tru tis platform..We are at Allah's disposal everytime and anytime and it is His mercy that will make a difference in our life and hereafter. Remember me always in your prayers insha allah.. Btw some of you might be wondering how old i am.. I am in my late twenties. |
| Re: Road to repentance |
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| Nomi |
| 04/25/03 at 02:16:54 |
| [slm]... What sis Anonymous wrote made me recall something... Even a small compromise can lead to major sins and it can happen to anyone, when i started paying attention to deen 4 years back (was around 20) i cut myself from the company of my females class fellows, it took time but the intent was there so Allah helped me in achieving the said.. i'm not that much knowledgeable but i once came across the saying of a companion of Prophet Muhammad [saw], that can be translated as I would prefer my hand burnt to ashes to touching a non mehram and there is a hadith that says Whenever two ppl from opposite gender are alone then the devil is with them to tempt them to do sin well one might say "i was alone with xyz and nothing wrong happened !" .. then again the chances are high for us indulging in sin if we dont abide by the rulings of islaam, not following the above mentioned is a sin in itself even if we dont indulge in major sin. My friends from college/uni say that its unavoidable because we have to do group study/projects and help our class fellows when asked, i'd say its a lame excuse.. been there done that... one can always find group members of same gender and i know from my experience that one can excel more in studies when with same gender. each single compromise makes room for another as it makes us weaker and our evil stronger i guess i'm diverging from the topic, just wanted to share my experience and feelings, this may not apply to sister Anonymous what matters is that she has repented... so i wish her all the happiness in the world Allah Hafiz Asim Zafar |
| 04/25/03 at 02:21:50 |
| Nomi |
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