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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| ummrashid1 |
| 02/04/03 at 18:20:21 |
| Assalamualaykum all! I was reading this excellent article on polygyny in Islaam (I think it was by Sharifa Carlo on islamzine. com ) which basically explained the idea behind polygyny and the need for it in war-torn societies etc. and how the early Muslims practiced it to this end. So far so good. But what really got me thinking was the part when the writer emphasized how Muslimahs today need to open their hearts and minds and not look down upon or discourage this practice, especially in societies where there are many single Muslimahs with no one to turn to. When I read this I remembered another article I'd read about pop star Lucky Ali who'd re-married and mentioned in the course of an interview that far from being antagonistic, his wives were "best friends." Well sisters, I have a confession to make...even if it's a purely hypothetical situation...the idea of MY husband re-marrying is like my worst nightmare. Naoozobillah! I'd probably cry my heart out :'( Even if the reasons were noble and guaranteed to give him ajr, I wouldn't be able to deal with it at all! (Naoozobillah again). And as for being "best friends" I don't think I'd come close to this ideal. According to the polygyny article this is a weakness in my faith, if one were truly a good Muslimah one would probably accept -- if not encourage --- one's spouse's desire to help another Muslimah in need. What do you think? |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| Raindrops |
| 02/04/03 at 23:08:04 |
| [slm] I always used to think that I would not mind at all if my husband took a second wife and that is what I used to say to all my friends.........they just replied that 'u must b crazy' and 'wait till u get married' etc etc........... Well even after an year of marriage hypothetically I felt that I could deal with it if such a situation arose..........but guess what.... Last night I had this dream out of nowhere in which my husband had taken on a second wife ..........I can't believe the emotions that I felt in that dream !! I could'nt stop them even after waking up and I was like Naoozuubillah and I really don't know what to think anymore ???...... I guess it just takes really strong faith to handle such situations........ (I don't know if the dream was a warning about my faith :( or just pregnancy hormones :P) |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| Kathy |
| 02/05/03 at 08:37:39 |
| [slm] Circumstances are different for everyone. ehmmm... pregnancy time is never a time to deal with life alterig decisions! As Jack Benny used to say [i]with a slight twist[/i] Take my husband... Please! |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| eleanor |
| 02/05/03 at 14:55:37 |
| [slm] all I can say is that she would have to be my best friend for me to be able to cope with the situation. If she was someone that I really liked and got on well with, shared the same sense of humour and outlook on life. Someone who doesn't annoy me too much, someone with whom I can relax and be myself... If she is all of these things and she loves my husband and he loves her, then I think it would be okay, Allahu Ahlam. |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 02/05/03 at 15:39:23 |
| [slm] WOW, thats a tough 1. I don't kw...I think I'd be jealous and would be thinking about what the two of them may be getting up to!! Maybe with time or in certain circumstances I may be able to deal with it, but I don't know how long it may take for me to be 'happy' about it. |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 02/05/03 at 16:10:23 |
| [slm] I have read many of those articles, but we sisters have to have to be strong and research on our own. 8)Just like it is hard for a man to share his wife, it is hard for a woman to share her husband. :P In Quran it is clear that one wife is ideal. ;D I also thought that maybe i was weak in faith because I know when i get married it wouldnt want my husband to have a second wife. Now sisters they tell us facts that men are allowed to marry more than once, but not all the facts! Our beloved Prophet [saw] told Ali he did not want him to take a second wife. Our Prophet [saw] said "what hurts Fatimah, hurts me" now who is the best of men?????? Some man once told me that my parents should fear Allah when I told him I dont think they would let me marry a man who already has a wife. If anyone says that to you, dont forget to tell him this! Also do you remember the woman who came to the prophet and told him she wanted to be free from her husband because she could not perform her duties. She also said there was nothing wrong with his character. A woman cannot divorce without reason, but if she feels she can not respect the man (because that is a wifes major duty) then she is allowed to be free from him. Who knows maybe that man had decided he wanted another wife....? Anyway these are my thoughts, as it truly upsets me when I read articles that woman have a lack of faith when they dont want to share. Every woman is different... some require more attention than others. It is not a particular woman's fault that shes extra sensitive. Think about it, if Allah (swt) didnt allow men to have more than one wife then what would happen when there is need for woman to be protected, clothed, and sheltered. One woman told me that a woman she knew had wrote her husband could not marry another on her marriage contract. Later on she found out that she could not have kids, but the imam wouldnt let her husband marry because of the contract. Allah (swt) has clearly allowed this for a reason and we should not disallow it by putting it in a marriage contract, because it might become a need. Anyhow polygony is clearly permissable and clearly not recommended from Qur'an and sunnah, so if a woman wants to keep her husband from doing something that is clearly not recomended then whats wrong with that??? :-* |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| BroHanif |
| 02/05/03 at 18:56:30 |
| [quote]Anyhow polygony is clearly permissable and clearly not recommended from Qur'an and sunnah, so if a woman wants to keep her husband from doing something that is clearly not recomended then whats wrong with that [/quote] Eh care to re-phrase that ? Forget marrying four wives I know brothers and sisters who are not even married. The number of single people are rising, thus commiting more haraam, Islaam offers a perfect solution lets take it. |
| NS |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 02/05/03 at 20:04:23 |
| [slm] My dear Brother I am not denying anything that you said. that phrase that you quoted does not deny what you wrote. In Qur'an it is clear that one wife is ideal as it cleary sais "marry one as it is better for you" Im saying that if a wife is happy with her husband taking more than one wife than that is more than wonderful but just because she doesnt then that doesnt mean she lacks faith |
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| Caraj |
| 02/06/03 at 04:01:09 |
| Ok this may sound totally selfish but I have only three words to reply to this post :( I DON'T SHARE :o May sound bad, may sound selfish but is the way I feel. Muslim or not |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| se7en |
| 02/06/03 at 05:10:45 |
| as salaamu alaykum, You know when Rasulullah [saw] proposed to Umm Salamah, one of the first things she told him was that, "I am an *extremely* jealous woman." And I'm sure most of us are familiar with the narrations of Aisha, and her jealousy of Khadija. So jealousy is not a 'new' thing, nor is it something 'indoctrinated by western influence'. It's just human :) It takes *a lot* of patience. A LOT. All I can tell you is that, if it is something you know you are not able to withstand, make sure your future husband knows this and is accomodating in this regard. w'Allahu a'lam. wasalaamu alaykum :-) |
| 02/06/03 at 05:12:09 |
| se7en |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| M.F. |
| 02/06/03 at 05:56:24 |
| Assalamu alaikum I think it's more than a question of jealousy. The husband has more than his wife's feelings to take into consideration. The condition for marrying more than one wife - to be completely fair and treat them equally- is SO strict, that if you don't follow it, you'll not only be destroying two households, but you'll meet Allah with a HUGE sin in your scales. Now for jealousy, it's totally normal and even Rasulullah's [saw] wives were jealous, but he took that into consideration and knew how to be just. The point about the Prophet (S) preventing Ali (R) from marrying a second wife, from what I know, was because the person who offered their daughter to Ali was Abu Jahl, Rasulullah's worst enemy. This would have been more than just regular jealousy for Fatima, it would have been hugely insulting as well. He forbade the marriage, saying that he was not making haraam what was halaal or vice versa, but that the daughters of Rasulullah and of the enemy of Allah could not be united under one roof, and that he would have to divorce Fatima if he wanted to marry the other woman. |
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| Barr |
| 02/06/03 at 08:52:20 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :) Now, that U mentioned it, Sis Mariam.. I remembered reading abt Sayidina Ali, in this book called The Pious Caliphs. Apparently, Sayidina Ali r.a remained monogomous throughout his marriage to Fatima r.a. He only embarked a polygenous marriage after her death, mashaAllah. Interesting, huh? I wonder how long they have been married. [quote]One woman told me that a woman she knew had wrote her husband could not marry another on her marriage contract. Later on she found out that she could not have kids, but the imam wouldnt let her husband marry because of the contract.[/quote] I think this could be avoided by being careful with the content of the contract. If anyone is thinking of putting such in the contract, I'd suggest that it is written with conditions, instead of in absolute terms. Like... I will not have a polygenous relationship, while being married to ****, with the conditions, that... Its really sad, when things turn out this way. Na'uzhubillah. :( Oh yes.. I've heard a story fo a sister who approached her widow friend to marry her husband. And subhanallah.. wot a woman. In support to wot se7en has said... matters of the heart, are very complicated... Yes, it takes a woman of iman, to be in redha.. to accept another sister as her husband's wife... but it also takes a woman of iman, to know, when her iman would be jeapordised if she stays in such a marriage. Allahua'lam Wassalam |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| M.F. |
| 02/06/03 at 09:59:28 |
| I think they were married for about 6 or 8 years. She was 18 when they got married, and she died quite young, I'm not sure if she was 23 or 26, somewhere around there... I think it's even more amazing, or ... romantic?... that Rasulullah [saw] remained monogamous with his beloved Khadija for 15 years, and they were the 15 years of his prime. The first wife he married after her was a 70 or 80 year old widow (Sawdah (R)). Amr Khaled told the story.... After Khadija died, the Nabi [saw] was left with little Fatimah at home, as well as some other children that Khadija (R) had been raising. A woman came to the Prophet (S) and asked him: don't you think it's time you remarried? The Prophet (S) was silent for a very long time..... then tears started running down his cheeks: "Is there anyone after Khadija?".... (the woman wished she hadn't spoken when she saw his pain, but she told him that the children needed taking care of, and spoke to him of Sawdah and Aicha. He asked her to start with Sawdah. They were married for two years before he married his second wife, Aicha).... Anyone been watching wa nalqa al ahibba lately? Amr khaled is speaking about the Prophet's wives. Ma sha Allah it's beautiful. |
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| se7en |
| 02/06/03 at 12:54:55 |
| as salaamu alaykum, My earlier post was in response to what sis umm rashid said about her jealously being a weakness. I think it's just a part of human nature, perhaps stronger in certain people than in others, and is not necessarily a reflection of the state of your eman. w'Allahu a'lam. wasalaamu alaykum :-) |
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| BroHanif |
| 02/06/03 at 17:45:32 |
| salaams, [quote]Oh yes.. I've heard a story fo a sister who approached her widow friend to marry her husband. And subhanallah.. wot a woman[/quote] So if you turn the question round, how many sisters would be willing for other sisters to be happy to be ASKING their husband to marry their friends ?. Disregarding the fact that its a war or a general situation. Salaams Hanif |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 02/06/03 at 18:21:52 |
I wouldn't b very happy. Turning the question around once again, bro, how happy would u be if ur wife had the option of marrying another guy (I know islamically this isn't allowed but hypothetically speaking)? Would u b ok sharing ur wife? Be honest ;) |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 02/06/03 at 18:41:15 |
| [slm] In an ideal Islamic country, the government is responsible for the wellbeing of the widow. my question is why should we happily ask our husband to marry another wife when it is clearly not recommended in Qur'an (4:3) If other sisters do that then I think that is wonderful. I definately would love to see every woman have a husband. Everyone is different. I mean I know of a woman whose mom divorced her husband just because he would not marry a second wife. surprised huh? dont be. A husband is required to show kindess to his wife...and should be considerate to her feelings. if she is not happy, then why do it? But then again like im telling you, their are woman who are happy...and there are woman who want to share, take a break, and /or have a best freind at home. But If a woman is not happy with her husband taking another wife, then that doesnt mean shes not fulfilling her duty.. because a second wife is definately not obligatory and clearly not recommended. |
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| Sis_Malak |
| 02/07/03 at 00:57:12 |
| [slm] In my opinion, Allah (SWT) gave men permission to marry up to four in extenuating circumstances, but also told us that it is better to only marry one. I think that it would be extremely difficult for a man to be 100% fair and equal with more than one woman. If my husband ever came to me and said he wanted to marry a second wife, no matter what the reason might be or how much ajr he might get for it, I would most likely tell him no. Because I would have so many sins from jealousy that it would be harmful to me in the next life. I am so much in love with my husband (alhamdulillah-and may Allah swt protect our marriage) that I could never share him with anyone else. Just my opinon. [wlm] :-) Tara |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| BroHanif |
| 02/07/03 at 03:20:07 |
| Salaams, [quote]Turning the question around once again, bro, how happy would u be if ur wife had the option of marrying another guy [/quote] If we can keep it Islaamic dear sister, in the likely event of my death, I've already asked my wife to get married to anyone she sees fit. I don't want my wife to be upset for to loong after I pass away, I think memories are good and those can be treasured in the heart which no one can take away, but man is prone to sin. Thats why I think more people who are not married would commit sins unless they control themselves via fasting. I know a lot of lonely people out there, depressed and upset when all they are longing for is a partner. But yor right sis rose, to balance between the two wives or many wives would take quite a task, but lets not shy away from the responsibility, insah-allah more sincere men will be able to do justice if we follow the exmaple of the prophet [saw] than me bluring on. Salaams Hanif |
| NS |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/07/03 at 05:27:00 |
| I don;t think we are in a position to be talking about the Khilafah. The muslims need to sort their lives out and control themselves before they start thinking about controlling the world!!! The companians of the prophet were exceptional, they had the correct understanding and therefore could rule and lead after the prophet (saw) passed away. Today we don not have many muslims with the correct understanding or knowledge. In fact the muslim ummah is in a mess!! Even if the land and the people were given to teh muslims, they would not be able to rule it successfully! wasalaam everyone |
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| dirt |
| 02/07/03 at 06:45:05 |
| [slm] No wife has the authority to deny a right given to men by Allah. You have no right to tell your husband he cannot take a second wife. You can express your discontent, sure. You can make it known that you do not agree with it, fine. But you cannot tell him "no". Recommended or not, it is a right of men to have more than one wife. No woman OR man, for that matter, can take that right away. [wlm] |
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| Caraj |
| 02/07/03 at 12:45:38 |
| Well I may sound not nice and I don't mean to sound mean but I still don't share. I told my husband he can have whom ever he pleases But he better get rid of me first. If a widow came along I would gladly and willingly open my home to her and any children, I would help feed and cloth, I would do what I could to help. She needs food and clothing and support and assistance ... she doesn not need my husband. I would not share my husband. >:( His rights!!!!!! he can marry 10 women but he would have to get rid of me first. |
| 02/07/03 at 12:47:16 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| UmmWafi |
| 02/07/03 at 15:31:16 |
| [slm] This is the first time I am reading this thread after much prodding by Sis Barr and Sis Maliha :) MashaAllah, what a very interesting read. Everybody put forth their arguments in a very enlightening manner. I have some thoughts and questions about this issue. Being human, naturally I am capable of many emotions, of which jealousy is one of them. In my heyday, I used to be very non-compromising and dogmatic about issues like these. My responses were usually "Over my dead body" or "U gotta be kidding" or even "I don't think so". Over the years, many important and major events happened in my life that sorta changed my views somewhat. Alhamdulillah, I came to a simple realisation. I do not own a singla thing on this earth. Not one. Even my soul is not mine. It belongs to Allah SWT. The two beautiful tots I risk my life giving birth to are not mine. They are Creations of Allah, entrusted to me while they and I are still alive on this earth. My mind, my 'ilm, my wealth, my everything do not belong to me. BUT because they are entrusted to me, I have some rights over them but those rights will be accounted for. I have responsibilities over them and those responsibilities will be accounted for. So. Why should I view my husband as mine ? He is not mine. He belongs to Allah SWT. Allah has chosen him to be my partner. By virtue of that fact I have some rights over him and yet I have some responsibilities to him. My rights include demanding that he guides me towards a proper life befitting a Muslimah, my rights demand him to provide for me and our children to the best of his honest abilities, my rights demand he keeps us in Allah's Blessings always. My rights do not entail deciding his qada' and qadar. My rights do not entail deciding his fate for him. My rights do not entail dictating what is his or not his rights other than what is stated in the Qur'an al-Kareem. Everyday, we lose a little bit of everything we own. We lose our age, we lose time, we lose strength and we lose energy. When we think about it, we are helpless in so many aspects of our lives. I remember crying desperately in 2000 when I realise that losing the one you love is so very traumatising but yet, inevitable. I cried again in 2001 when I realised that my children are actually not mine but Allah's. Alhamdulillah...these realisations just made me stronger. Brothers and sisters. Our spouses are our partners. They are not our property. That was never said in the Qur'an. It is a concept that was conjured by mankind who is grounded in duniawi. What is more important is that we carry out our responsibilities to the best of our abilities so that Allah shall be Pleased with us. For the brothers, if ever the thought of taking a second wife crosses your mind, ask yourself this question. "Will it lead me and my present family and my future family nearer to Jannah ?". If you have any doubts about the answer at all, forget it. Otherwise it will only lead you to commiting acts of zulm. For the sisters, if the inevitable happens, Na'udzubillah, and your husband decides to take a second wife, then you have to decide. Ask yourself, between staying and leaving, which would cost you and your family the least sin, then decide on that. At the end of the day, we each have the right to decide and we bear the responsibility for that decision. Don't speculate if such things have not happened to u yet. Instead make du'a that everyday Allah will Bless you with what is best for you and your family. Wallahu'alam. (It's now 4.30am here :-/) |
| 02/07/03 at 15:37:18 |
| UmmWafi |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| jaihoon |
| 02/07/03 at 16:24:11 |
| [quote author=UmmWafi link=board=sis;num=1044400821;start=15#22 date=02/07/03 at 15:31:16] [slm] This is the first time I am reading this thread after much prodding by Sis Barr and Sis Maliha :) MashaAllah, what a very interesting read. Everybody put forth their arguments in a very enlightening manner. I have some thoughts and questions about this issue. Being human, naturally I am capable of many emotions, of which jealousy is one of them. In my heyday, I used to be very non-compromising and dogmatic about issues like these. My responses were usually "Over my dead body" or "U gotta be kidding" or even "I don't think so". Over the years, many important and major events happened in my life that sorta changed my views somewhat. Alhamdulillah, I came to a simple realisation. I do not own a single thing on this earth. Not one. Even my soul is not mine. It belongs to Allah SWT. The two beautiful tots I risk my life giving birth to are not mine. They are Creations of Allah, entrusted to me while they and I are still alive on this earth. My mind, my 'ilm, my wealth, my everything do not belong to me. BUT because they are entrusted to me, I have some rights over them but those rights will be accounted for. I have responsibilities over them and those responsibilities will be accounted for. So. Why should I view my husband as mine ? He is not mine. He belongs to Allah SWT. Allah has chosen him to be my partner. By virtue of that fact I have some rights over him and yet I have some responsibilities to him. My rights include demanding that he guides me towards a proper life befitting a Muslimah, my rights demand him to provide for me and our children to the best of his honest abilities, my rights demand he keeps us in Allah's Blessings always. My rights do not entail deciding his qada' and qadar. My rights do not entail deciding his fate for him. My rights do not entail dictating what is his or not his rights other than what is stated in the Qur'an al-Kareem. Everyday, we lose a little bit of everything we own. We lose our age, we lose time, we lose strength and we lose energy. When we think about it, we are helpless in so many aspects of our lives. I remember crying desperately in 2000 when I realise that losing the one you love is so very traumatising but yet, inevitable. I cried again in 2001 when I realised that my children are actually not mine but Allah's. Alhamdulillah...these realisations just made me stronger. Brothers and sisters. Our spouses are our partners. They are not our property. That was never said in the Qur'an. It is a concept that was conjured by mankind who is grounded in duniawi. What is more important is that we carry out our responsibilities to the best of our abilities so that Allah shall be Pleased with us. For the brothers, if ever the thought of taking a second wife crosses your mind, ask yourself this question. "Will it lead me and my present family and my future family nearer to Jannah ?". If you have any doubts about the answer at all, forget it. Otherwise it will only lead you to commiting acts of zulm. For the sisters, if the inevitable happens, Na'udzubillah, and your husband decides to take a second wife, then you have to decide. Ask yourself, between staying and leaving, which would cost you and your family the least sin, then decide on that. At the end of the day, we each have the right to decide and we bear the responsibility for that decision. Don't speculate if such things have not happened to u yet. Instead make du'a that everyday Allah will Bless you with what is best for you and your family. Wallahu'alam. (It's now 4.30am here :-/)[/quote] Masha Allah! very insightful remarks, especially "Why should I view my husband as mine ? He is not mine. He belongs to Allah SWT" May Allah strengthen our Imaan. |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 02/07/03 at 21:09:17 |
| I wrote: " But then again like im telling you, their are woman who are happy...and there are woman who want to share, take a break, and /or have a best freind at home. But If a woman is not happy with her husband taking another wife, then that doesnt mean shes not fulfilling her duty.. because a second wife is definately not obligatory and clearly not recommended" Brother Dirt wrote: "No wife has the authority to deny a right given to men by Allah. You have no right to tell your husband he cannot take a second wife. You can express your discontent, sure. You can make it known that you do not agree with it, fine. But you cannot tell him "no". Recommended or not, it is a right of men to have more than one wife. No woman OR man, for that matter, can take that right away. " I agree completely. I am not denying this. But im saying that just because we see widows or we see woman who need to get married, we do not have to ask our husbands to marry these woman. And if we feel hurt because our husband wants a second wife then that does not mean we lack faith. Ofcourse If my husband decides this then it is his right. I am not saying it will never happen to me, or that I wont ever accept it. Who knows maybe if I see some woman in need and I know that I have a good husband I will actually ask him to marry her. Its a matter of fate. We dont know what is going to happen to us or who are we going to end up with in the end. Things Happen, People Change. Infact I invite you all read this excellent story called "NEVER SAY NEVER" : http://www.themuslimwoman.com/marriage/neversaynever.htm I coudnt agree more that everything is Allah (swt) PEACE :) Your Sister |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/10/03 at 02:56:27 |
| Asalam Note to admin: I sent a post but I it hasnt been posted in this thread...regarding second wife dilemma. have u recieved it? Could u post a note in this thread to let me know if so. Jazakallah [Admin note: Have not received anything. Please resend.] |
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| se7en |
| 02/11/03 at 00:15:19 |
| as salaamu alaykum, [quote]No wife has the authority to deny a right given to men by Allah. You have no right to tell your husband he cannot take a second wife. You can express your discontent, sure. You can make it known that you do not agree with it, fine. But you cannot tell him "no". Recommended or not, it is a right of men to have more than one wife. No woman OR man, for that matter, can take that right away. [/quote] There is a minor, but valid opinion in fiqh that states that stipulations in contracts of marriage are okay. If you are of this opinion, then both husband and wife have the right to include any one of a number of stipulations in the contract, that if broken, grant the right to divorce/annulment. According to this opinion, a woman can put in her contract that if her husband takes on another wife, she then has the right to a divorce. This is not denying a man the right to a second wife, but is *granting* her the right to a divorce if this occurs. I'm definitely not saying that this type of stipulation is a good idea, or even one that I would put in my own contract -- but please don't make it sound like it's something unlawful, when according to many scholars it is not. Also, part of shariah is that a Muslim abides by the laws of the government he or she resides under [as long as these laws do not go against the shar' itself]. So unless you live in Utah, questions of second wives are theoretical for most of us anyway. w'Allahu a'lam. wasalaamu alaykum. |
| 02/11/03 at 00:23:37 |
| se7en |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| Dawn |
| 02/11/03 at 06:52:06 |
| [slm] [quote author=se7en link=board=sis;num=1044400821;start=15#26 date=02/11/03 at 00:15:19]So unless you live in Utah, questions of second wives are theoretical for most of us anyway. [/quote] Not even in Utah -- legally, anyway. The Mormon Church banned the practice for its members in 1890. (There are a few small break-away churches out there that do practice polygamy, but the additional wives are not wives in the eyes of the law.) |
| 02/11/03 at 06:53:02 |
| Dawn |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| Barr |
| 02/18/03 at 11:49:21 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :) I was surfing my yahoogroups (I'm in 53! :o) ... and realised that I'm also in Polygamy in Islam yahoogroup. Anyone intrested may want to subscribe to it, inshaALlah. It gives insights and various perspectives on polgeny, by sisters who are in polygeneous relationships. Some e-mails are inspiring, mashaALlah.. and some are.. well.. it breaks your heart... just tears my heart away. :( There's a beautiful poem entitled "Have U ever felt..." Though it sounds.. kinda depressing and sad.. but somehow, it made me appreciate better the emotions that some sisters might have felt... and the sacrifices some have to go through. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/polygamyinislam/ Perhaps married sisters can relate more.. for they have their hearts already attached to that special someone. Somehow... eventhough we know that our husbands are not ours.. I think its a whole different dynamics to be involved in such a marriage.... To me, its not about giving him up for ALlah or even claiming "ownership" to a man... but feeling the painful emotions that one has to go through.. . and knowing that a man can never be able to be impartial and just no matter how hard he tries. And this is not abt being impartial with regards to the physical, monetary or other tangible needs for his wives... but being impartial on his love. ALlahua'lam.. I pray that Allah would not test us with a burden that we can't bear.. and if He so chooses us amongst His servants to walk through such a path.. may He give us strength to walk honourably on it. Wassalam :-) |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| gr160 |
| 02/24/03 at 04:23:01 |
| [slm] So, women are weak in Iman for not wanting their husbands to remarry? So what is the man? He's willing to rip his wife's heart out and risk the original marriage and children's security, just so he can fulfill his rights? I think there should be better reasons than 'It's my right'. His wife might just decide that it's her right not to live in misery. Sure it has it's place, but don't people think? Does it really make sense to marry some miskina who has no relationship with you except what you will create yourself, and then destroy a perfectly happy marriage and family in the process? Aren't there other ways of helping people without marrying them? Our actions all have natural consequenses, and this is no exception. [wlm] |
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| medina |
| 02/25/03 at 08:58:39 |
| Well as usualy Polygyny sparks much emotions and it's always a hotly debated topic. Quite honestly I love talking about it becoz I like to hear/ see people's reaction to it. Allah (sw) in his infinite wisdom has allowed the muslim man to have up to four wives, he (sw) also said that One is best as it is quite difficult to practice justice/fairness between the two even if it is your ardent desire. In all honesty as much as I may not be too comfortable with I must admit that polygyny would solve so much of the fitna which now exists in the Muslim community. I think we all know of the benefits of ploygyny by now. What the bros should know about this is that Men are polygynous by nature not women so when we react negatively to the idea of it don't be too shocked becoz it does not come naturally to us. Polygyny is thing we have to get used to, you know, warm up to the idea when it is presented to us.. I especially like the post by Umm Wafi becoz she expressed many of my sentiments. Even up to last year just hearing the word polygyny and I would be turned off, then I'd say "over my dead body" or "get rid of me first". Not wanting to hear anything or anybody. I know many muslimahs can relate to it, but really this is just the whisperings of shaitan prompting us to be haughty. Just recently I joined a sister's group and this was a topic, when they asked for my opinion I reacted in my same haughty attiutde, but then a sister gave me some good advice and honestly it changed my attitude towards it. I never quite fully understood polygyny and the reasons behind it, so in some ways I was misled by my own ignorance. I was also informed that there are strict guidelines for the man when if he wanted to take on another wife. I really put myself in the shoes of those single sisters whose only alternative to getting married is to be part of a polygynous relationship, and I can tell you my heart went out to them. Now that doesn't mean that I now go around inviting single muslimahs to come and marry my hussy becoz whenever I hear the word or hear my hussy talking about it it still sends shivers down my spine. Like I said we have to get used to the idea, "warm up to it" Right now he told me he isn't looking for a 2nd wife [that's always good to hear] But I ask my muslim sisters who are opposed to the idea,what will we do if it ever comes to a situation where your hubby wants another wife [for all the right reasons]? That's where the problem stems, how we as muslim women deal with it! It's not easy, becoz if you love your hubby as much as I love mine, it's gonna be devasting, totally heart wrecking, becoz now I would have to face my fears and feelings of inadequacy, jealousy [especially if she is younger!] and then again I'd think he doesn't love me anymore [hence his decision to take another one] and he prefers the "other" one......[which may not be true], Now essentially I'd say these every woman's worst nightmare. When these feelings start to pop up the ending is usually disastrous leading to the break up of the whole family, which is an even bigger problem. Like the sister suggested to me; on the other hand we could make dua to Allah to help us deal with these feelings that we have and to make it easier for us becoz sharing a hussy is certainly better than having none at all. I don't think the bros understand totally how much it can affect us women, I just ask that they be sensitive when dealing with the issue and if your wife can't deal with it this doesn't make her less of a person, she is just being honest with herself & you in admitting what she can she can & cannot handle. In the meantime in response to your question "Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend??" presently the answer is NO!!!! Becoz I'd view her as my competitor, competing for my husbands's love & affections. Then again sisters just keep on giving your hussy the love and attention he needs, treat him "right up" [as we say], fulfil your duties to him and trust me he wouldn't any thoughts of another wife ;) becoz like my hussy says all a man really needs is to feel loved..........awwwwww :'( :-*...surely we can do that! :-) |
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| humble_muslim |
| 02/25/03 at 23:15:01 |
| AA I knew this sis who was (and still is ), mashallah very practicing. Before she got married, she would defend the concept of polygamy very, very strongly. So anyways, she got married. I met her hubby after a few years who now had a second wife. I inquired about the first one. His reply : "we're not married anymore, we had differences on the polygamy issue". What does this show ? Firstly, no-one can really speak about polygamy until they experience it for themselves. Secondly, I don't think that what this sis did was a weakness in her faith, it was something her nature could not get her to accept. One more question to the guys who have daughters (like me, I have two). If you received an offer of marriage from an already married man for your daugther, and it was clear that he simply wanted more ...um....choices..would you marry your daughter to him ? I don't think I would. |
| NS |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| gr160 |
| 02/26/03 at 05:13:48 |
| [slm] Okay, now the last post proves my point. What did this brother accomplish? He doesn't even have two wives now! Was it his intention to divorce the first wife? Let's see how it went: 1st: Happy marriage 2nd: Husband gets new wife 3rd: Wife is heartbroken, problems arise 4th: Husband divorces 1st wife Now, does this make any sense? Why ruin the first marriage? Basically, he just traded the 1st wife for the second. He could have divorced her first for all it matters in the end. Was that his plan? Would he have considered it 'worth it' if he knew then what he knows now? Personally, I would never ask my husband for a divorce over this issue. But, I can see how a marriage could deteriorate over time from something like this. All I'm saying is that men should understand that it's not as simple as 'It's my right'. Women also have rights that they don't fully excercise for the sake of peace in the marriage. Before a man does this, he should ask himself 'Is this worth losing my first wife (and possibly children)?' 'Am I willing to trade my wife for this new woman?' 'Am I willing to break my wife's heart over this?' Because you never know. [wlm] |
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| eleanor |
| 02/26/03 at 14:34:21 |
| [slm] whoa slow down a little and reread the brother's post. He said that the first wife wasn't against polygamy until her husband (probably with her encouragement) remarried and then she realised that it really wasn't for her after all. What could the husband do? Keep her in an unhappy marriage? Divorce the second (innocent) wife? I think they found the best solution, Alhamdulillah. |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 02/26/03 at 16:44:43 |
| [slm] Also we have to realize this was the husbands reply. Who knows maybe he didnt treat them fairly as is required. There could be other reasons why the marriage didnt work and polygomy could just have been an addition to those. Maybe there were problems before and he married a second wife just because of them. Maybe the second wife was not very nice. Only Allah (swt) knows. We can not blame polygomy for it but the people themselves. And like sister Eleanor said they divorced and that could be for the better. We also have to remember that there are many woman happy in a polygomous relationship. Like Brother Dirt says, "Different strokes for Diff folkes" ;) Allah knows best your sister |
| 02/26/03 at 19:13:06 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
| Re: Can u be ur husband's wife's best friend?? |
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| gr160 |
| 02/26/03 at 18:52:12 |
| [slm] Sister Eleanor, I did read his post, and I understand that the wife originally defended the idea of polygamy. I also know that the second wife was innocent. But, why was it necessary to involve her in the first place? And does this mean that the first wife was somehow guilty of something??? I'm not attacking polygamy, I'm just saying that it is human nature to be hurt when the one we love chooses to marry someone else. Why does that have to be labled as weakness in iman? I also wanted to point out the fact that this often leads to problems for the first couple. With people that I have known in real life, this was usually the beginning of the end. We all have rights. Do we fulfill all of our rights, regardless of how others are affected? For example, a woman does not have to share her money with anyone. It's her right. However, if her husband is facing hardships, should she use her money only for herself, and watch her husband suffer, when she has the means to help him? It's her right to keep it. I'm meandering a bit. It's late here. :P I'm just saying this is not a decision to be made lightly. [wlm] |
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