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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Coping with betrayal? |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/24/03 at 13:59:19 |
| Asalam u Alaikum, I am looking for advice from brothers and sisters on this board inshaAllah. I have been in a similar situation to the one the 'anon' sister who posted 'road to repentance'. After almost four years, the man who promised to marry me betrayed my trust because his family disapproved of the match. He is now engaged to a 'chaste' woman, the daughter of a family friend. He has basically said to me to forget it, and I want to begin dealing with it now, but despite prayers and repentence, the thing I find most difficult to come to terms with is his actual betrayal. How does one even begin to accept that the one person they trusted the most in this world, could turn around and do something like that? How do you walk away from someone you thought so highly of because, ironically, he is the one who brought you closer to the deen in so many other ways? How do you have self-worth again? I think that from now on, one can only trust in Allah (swt) alone, because of everything that we shared, promised and dreamed, all humans will just turn around and betray so whats the point? How would be the best way to understand the situation/deal with it? Jazakallh khairun for your time and replies, Wasalam |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| mr-bean |
| 04/24/03 at 17:46:32 |
| [slm] there is a reason why hell was created..... ....for those who hurt others, for those who betray others, for those who use religion for personal gain, and for those who betray Allah by forgetting his favors.....and do so with a cool and collected manner and then show no remorse afterwards.... so, if the brother betrayed you, rest assured sister that Allah will break his legs in the next life, and if the brother repents and Allah forgives him, then Allah will reward you for withstanding the pain of betrayal.. and in the meantime just be sincere in your repentence..... and yes at the end of the day....you cannot count on any peron...sometimes not even your family....you have only Allah In a hadith in an-Nawawi's 40 hadith there is a hadith stating ...Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. be mindful of Allah and you will find him in front of you . If you ask, ask of Allah. Know that if the world were to gather together to benefit you, it woul benefit you only with something that Allah had already prescribed for you. And if it were to gather together to harm you, it could harm you only with something which Allah prescribed for you. About betrayal and hypocrisy, in a Hadith qudsi, narrated in Nawawi's hadith qudsi collection, Allah said The first of people against whom judgment will be pronounced on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who died a martyr. He will be brought and Allah will make known to him His favours and he will recognize them. [ The Almighty] will say: And what did you do about them? He will say: I fought for you until I died a martyr. He will say: You have lied - you did but fight that it might be said [of you]: He is courageous. And so it was said. Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire. [Another] will be a man who has studied [religious] knowledge and has taught it and who used to recite the Quran. He will be brought and Allah will make known to his His favours and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: And what did you do about them? He will say: I studied [religious] knowledge and I taught it and I recited the Quran for Your sake. He will say: You have lied - you did but study [religious] knowledge that it might be said [of you]: He is learned. And you recited the Quran that it might be said [of you]: He is a reciter. And so it was said. Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire. [Another] will be a man whom Allah had made rich and to whom He had given all kinds of wealth. He will be brought and Allah will make known to his His favours and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: And what did you do about them? He will say: I left no path [untrodden] in which You like money to be spent without spending in it for Your sake. He will say: You have lied - you did but do so that it might be said [of you]: He is open-handed. And so it was said. Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire. [related by Muslim (also by at-Tirmidhi and an-Nasa'i). ] |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| bhaloo |
| 04/25/03 at 01:00:49 |
| [slm] [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1051203560;start=0#0 date=04/24/03 at 13:59:19] I have been in a similar situation to the one the 'anon' sister who posted 'road to repentance'. After almost four years, the man who promised to marry me betrayed my trust because his family disapproved of the match. He is now engaged to a 'chaste' woman, the daughter of a family friend. [/quote] Sister, what you have to realize is that you were involved in a haraam relationship, doing unislamic things and doing major sins. There is nothing good that can come from it. I know you are hurt emotionally, having invested 4 years of your life in this haraam relationship, and you feel betrayed, but the truth is, you should not have been involved in such a relationship. You two were not married. [quote] He has basically said to me to forget it, and I want to begin dealing with it now, but despite prayers and repentence, the thing I find most difficult to come to terms with is his actual betrayal. How does one even begin to accept that the one person they trusted the most in this world, could turn around and do something like that? [/quote] Something like this was bound to happen. Your story is no different then any other person that has engaged in this behavior (we've seen quite a few of these problems before here). They feel rejected, hurt, betrayed, they want to feel loved and they do it again, and this vicious cycle continues again and again, destroying their lives. Sister what you have to do is realize that what you did was wrong and forget about this person, and sincerely repent. Do not get involved with someone like this again, because it will only cause you hurt and pain, and it is not allowed in Islam. The solution for you is to sincerely repent, vow never to do this and cut off all communications with this person as it will only hurt you and cause you much heart ache. Here are some pointers on how to remove the punishment of these sins, insha'Allah. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The punishment for sin is lifted from a person by means of ten things: 1 – Repentance; this is agreed upon among the Muslims. Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings): “Say: ‘O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful’” [al-Zumar 39:53] “Know they not that Allaah accepts repentance from His slaves and takes the Sadaqaat (alms, charity), and that Allaah Alone is the One Who forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful?” [al-Tawbah 9:104] “And He it is Who accepts repentance from His slaves, and forgives sins”[al-Shoora 42:25] 2 – Praying for forgiveness. It was narrated in al-Saheehayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a person commits a sin, then says, ‘O Lord, I have committed a sin so forgive me,’ He says, ‘My slave knows that he has a Lord Who may forgive sins or punish for it; I have forgiven My slave…’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6953; Muslim, 4953) In Saheeh Muslim it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If you did not commit sin, Allaah would do away with you and bring people who would commit sins then ask Him to forgive them, so He would forgive them.” (al-Tawbah, 4936) 3 – Doing good deeds which wipe out sins. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And perform As‑Salaah (Iqaamat‑as‑ Salaah), at the two ends of the day and in some hours of the night [i.e. the five compulsory Salaah (prayers)]. Verily, the good deeds remove the evil deeds (i.e. small sins)”[Hood 11:114] And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The five daily prayers and Jumu’ah (Friday prayers) and Ramadaan take away the bad deeds between one and the next, if you avoid major sins.” (Narrated by Muslim, 344). And he said: “Whoever fasts Ramadaan out of faith and the hope of reward, his previous sins will be forgiven.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 37; Muslim, 1268). And he said: “Whoever spends the night of Laylat al-Qadr in prayer out of faith and the hope of reward, his previous sins will be forgiven.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1768). And he said: “Whoever performs Pilgrimage to this House, and does not behave in an obscene or immoral manner, he will go back free of sin like the day his mother gave birth to him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1690). And he said: “The expiation for the fitnah caused to a man by his family, wealth and children is prayer, fasting, enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 494, Muslim, 5150). And he said: “Whoever frees a believing slave, for each of (the slave’s) limbs Allaah will free one of his limbs from the Fire…” (Narrated by Muslim, 2777). These and similar ahaadeeth are narrated in the books of Saheeh. And he said: “Charity extinguishes sin as water extinguishes fire, but hasad (malicious envy) consumes good deeds as fire consumes wood.” 4 – The du’aa’ of the believers for the believer, such as when they pray the funeral prayer for him. It was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah and Anas ibn Maalik that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no Muslim who dies, and a group of Muslims numbering one hundred pray for him, all of them interceding for him, but their intercession for him will be accepted.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1576). It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: ‘There is no Muslim man who dies, and forty men pray the funeral prayer for him, not associating anything with Allaah, but Allaah will accept their intercession for him.’” (Narrated by Muslim, 1577). This refers to praying for him after he has died. 5 – Good deeds which can be done for the deceased, such as giving in charity (on his behalf), etc. This will benefit him, according to the clear, saheeh texts of the Sunnah and the consensus of the Imams. The same applies to freeing slaves and Hajj (on his behalf), indeed it was proven in al-Saheehayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever dies owing any (obligatory) fasts, his heir should fast them on his behalf.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5210; Muslim, 4670). 6 – The intercession of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and others on the Day of Resurrection for those who have committed sins. This is narrated in the mutawaatir ahaadeeth about intercession, such as the hadeeth in which he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “My intercession will be for those among my ummah who have committed major sins.” (Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood, 3965). And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I was given the choice between admitting half of my ummah to Paradise and intercession, and I chose intercession.” (See Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3335). 7 – Calamities by means of which Allaah expiates sins in this world. It was narrated in al-Saheehayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No tiredness, exhaustion, worry, grief, distress or harm befalls a believer in this world, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allaah expiates some of his sins thereby.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5210; Muslim, 4670). 8 – The torment, squeezing and terror that happens in the grave. These are also things by means of which sins are expiated. 9 – The horrors, distress and hardship of the Day of Resurrection. 10 – The mercy and forgiveness of Allaah, with no cause on the part of His slaves. See: Majmoo’ Fataawa Ibn Taymiyah, vol. 7, p. 487-501. |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| Mulla |
| 04/25/03 at 01:10:41 |
| Sister! Inshallah, Allah will fill ur heart soon with the love of "one" who is "worthy" of thy hand! Inshallah..... This shall bring you to Allah, much closer to Allah....... No matter how many ayats of quran al azeem I quote , and no matter how many qudsi hadees I qoute, the rift of "hijr" in ur heart will not seal unless untill it is "given" what it wants.......... I wish there was a mother type person in ur company who could hug and console u and let you know that this is from Allah........... And believe me, if you dont create a wall around u after this "lesson" inshallah Allah will provide a "better" millions of times better replacement and console your heart.... I will not give or appreciate a fatwa , cause giving fatwas is easy, but to console broken hearts of humanity is the hard thing......... So just make dua that Allah "give me your love, and give me the love of those who love Allah, and the love of those acts with which the love of Allah increases" and fyi this time get "engaged" cause people change under pressure.................... Mulla! |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| Nomi |
| 04/25/03 at 10:13:37 |
| [slm] I'm thinking of our coming generations! i hope and pray to Allah that whoever is going through these posts will try his/her best to prevent their kids and the next generation from being in such situation may Allah helf us all fight our evil in a more active way and i would like to quote the same thing here for the respected lady who started this thread i'll pray for you inshAllah as these and many such incidents keep paining my heart! may Allah help us realize that this life is just like a stay at a platform, our past lives to us look like a dream the rest will pass in the same way what matters most is the hereafter so we should keep this in our minds always Asim Zafar ========= i once came across the saying of a companion of Prophet Muhammad [saw], that can be translated as I would prefer my hand burnt to ashes to touching a non mehram and there is a hadith that says Whenever two ppl from opposite gender are alone then the devil is with them to tempt them to do sin well one might say "i was alone with xyz and nothing wrong happened !" .. then again the chances are high for us indulging in sin if we dont abide by the rulings of islaam, not following the above mentioned is a sin in itself even if we dont indulge in major sin. My friends from college/uni say that its unavoidable because we have to do group study/projects and help our class fellows when asked, i'd say its a lame excuse.. been there done that... one can always find group members of same gender and i know from my experience that one can excel more in studies when with same gender. each single compromise makes room for another as it makes us weaker and our evil stronger |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| se7en |
| 05/01/03 at 15:40:40 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, Sis, it is true that Allah alone is perfect and that human beings are not, but you should not let one individual's actions turn you off from all people. Each of us is endowed with some good and some bad, and we need to just seek out the good in people and overlook and step back from peoples weaknesses. People will hurt you, and wrong you, and do terrible things to you, but remember Allah does not test you with more than you can bear, and every hardship is a purification for you that will leave you a stronger and better person. We do not need to occupy our time with thinking about how a person has wronged or hurt us, because we know with certainty that there will be a day when all this comes to light and is sorted out. (Something that will help clean out any feeling of ill-will or resentment you feel towards this bro is to make duaa for him. Trust me, this is a *difficult* thing to do.) Each of our lives are epics filled with triumph and tragedy, hope and loss and varying fortunes and we need to just forge on when things become difficult, and remember that this too, shall pass. Allah is with those who practice patience, and with those who constantly turn to Him in repentance, and those who seek His guidance and His mercy. Continue in your mujahada and do not let someone who has wronged you be an obstacle in your spiritual journey. Take this is as an opportunity for you to re-kindle your eman and not as a weight that burdens you and keeps you down. Jazaki Allahu khayran sis, wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah |
| 05/01/03 at 15:44:15 |
| se7en |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| Dude |
| 05/01/03 at 16:06:15 |
| I thought Mulla’s (Mulla!) comment was highly appropriate, Mr. Bean’s appropriate and funny (an attempt to cheer the young lady up), as well as 7’s and Nomi’s. Bhaloo, well…you need to learn how to be tactful. There is nothing worse than being lectured to or reprimanded after having already admitted a wrongdoing or mistake. She knows she made a mistake, no use beating her down about it. She’s clearly looking for comforting, not lecturing. One belief I have (and most have) is that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is God’s way of telling you your ideal match is still out there. Maybe this is one of the tests in life we get about actions and consequences. Probably both. You don’t know, but may as well learn from it, right? Rest assured that over time, broken hearts heal. Sometimes faster than we think. Also rest assured that good things happen to good people. Just because you may have done a bad thing, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Things will get better. |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| bhaloo |
| 05/01/03 at 21:55:41 |
| [slm] Dude. ::) Get off your high horse. She said she felt "BETRAYED". There is a difference then what the other person "road to repentance" put up. In the other case the sister understood what she did was wrong. Here the person is hurt by the actions of another individual towards her, when the reality is she should be examining her own behavior. And I've talked to people before that have been in her situation, and just continue on doing the same thing again and again, feeling BETRAYED, feeling like these people treated them like crap, not realizing that they shouldn't have been involved in such a situation in the first place, and that they are being punished by Allah (SWT). There is wisdom in Allah's laws and there is a reason why it is forbidden in Islam for men and women to get involved in such types of relationships, because it leads to pain, suffering, and heartache and it destroys society. Once these people come to the realization that this is wrong and they shouldn't be in such situations and they distance themselves from this and only be involved in these things in a halal way (through marriage), only then will things change for them. And when they come to that realization and break out of that vicious cycle, its great, alhumdullilah. Telling the sister that he is a bad man, and he will burn in hell isn't going to help her and is the wrong advice to be giving her, also because she may not know if its right or wrong and just do the same thing again. She needs to understand that what happened wasn't right and there is a reason why she is going through this pain, and she needs to hasten to repentance and do as much good as possible, and insha'Allah she will be forgiven and her bad deeds will turn into good deeds. |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| boy |
| 05/02/03 at 01:19:01 |
| when you adivse people you do it with wisdom do you not? and saying yeah you suck and you deserve this is not wisdom. it'll only hurt them more. it doesn't matter if what she did was right or wrong. since its over anyway whats the point of saying you were in a 'haraam' relationship and its a 'major sin'. she's not in it anymore. so whats the point of bringint that up? sure if you play with fire you get burned. but when a person is burned you take em to the hospital. not yell at em for playing with fire. oh and for the record if the only people that got hurt in relationships were those who were in 'haram relationships' divorce wouldn't be an issue right? since marriage is a 'halal relationship' for the most part? yet thats not the case. hence that argument is rather 'daeef'. |
| 05/02/03 at 01:22:37 |
| boy |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| jaihoon |
| 05/02/03 at 01:42:03 |
| [slm] [quote] Each of us is endowed with some good and some bad, and we need to just seek out the good in people and overlook and step back from peoples weaknesses. We do not need to occupy our time with thinking about how a person has wronged or hurt us, because we know with certainty that there will be a day when all this comes to light and is sorted out. [/quote] masha Allah, this is a golden method to console oneself when facing bad times in life. I use this extensively ::) |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| bhaloo |
| 05/02/03 at 02:43:44 |
| sarah, what is he doing here? ??? [quote author=boy link=board=madrasa;num=1051203560;start=0#8 date=05/02/03 at 01:19:01] it doesn't matter if what she did was right or wrong. since its over anyway whats the point of saying you were in a 'haraam' relationship and its a 'major sin'. she's not in it anymore. so whats the point of bringint that up? [/quote] No it does matter. have you ever talked to someone in your 17 years of life that has done these things, and the way they think? the lack of self-respect they have for themselves, them trying to understand why this is happening, trying to make them understand so they don't do these things again? these things probably didn't even cross your mind, did they? have you thought about what to say? well have you? yes, people in such situations need consoling, but they also need purpose and direction otherwise without it they will repeat their mistakes. this is a good audio on the topic: http://www.iisna.com/audio/repenter1.ram |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| zomorrud |
| 05/02/03 at 16:30:01 |
| [color=Blue] Bismillah... [slm] To anon sis who is feeling betrayed, Dear sis, look at this as a blessing. Thank Allah for giving you the opportunity to repent in this life before you die. Although it turned out that the man you were involved with was a lier and took advantage of you, you have to acknowledge your own responsibilty in the situation too. And I think you are. This is the first step towards repentance. To acknowledge and attest that what you did was wrong. It is so wrong, this is actually one of the major sins that can land one in Jahannum if s/he does not repent for it. The brother who posted on the gravity of the sin of fornication is right in being so concerned. He actually gave you practical steps for repentence as outlined by the scholars of Islam*. Try to follow them. Allah will be with you to help you as long as your goal is to gain his pleasure. Believe me, things will turn out for the better and you *WILL* grow so much after having gone through this tough and heart-wrenching experience. Try to overcome your feelings of betrayal and hurt by remembering Allah, istighfaar, reading Qur'an charity, and constant pleas for forgiveness. Don't give up on yourself, you CAN do it, bi'ithni Allah. Take care wassalam [/color] [color=purple] *P.S. where did that post anyway go?? [/color] [/color] |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| Dude |
| 05/02/03 at 17:00:21 |
| Bhaloo, ::) Hold on…humpf…there, off my high horse. I need a soapbox now to get eye to eye with you. ;) I’m not saying you are incorrect, just that your timing and method bites. She knows she messed up- let’s move on. I didn’t see the need for the lecture. Now where’s that horse? ??? [i]Here Coppers, Cloppers, Cloppers…here boy...[/i] |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| Ruqayyah |
| 05/02/03 at 17:35:36 |
| [slm] [quote]it doesn't matter if what she did was right or wrong. since its over anyway whats the point of saying you were in a 'haraam' relationship and its a 'major sin'. she's not in it anymore. so whats the point of bringint that up? [/quote] The reason that it is important, is that if you're going to make a mistake in your life, and chances are that if you're human (which i think everyone is on this board), you'll make one, and so you might as well LEARN from it. I agree w/ the essence of Bhaloo's message, even if the mode in which it was delivered wasn't the easiest to swallow. Sometimes sugar coating things helps us to not take responsibility for our actions. On the other hand, a little consolement mixed in there is what she needs. She sounds like she wants to get past this and inshallah glean some lessons from it and move on w/ her life. I pray sister that your path is an easy one and that your faith grows even stronger, ameen. Reminds me of a dua: "Sufficient for me is Allah, the best of Guardians". Sister, i'd also recommend reading an-nawwawi's 40 hadith. there are some really good hadiths in there, like the one quoted above in a previous post to help you deal w/ what's going on. [wlm] ruqayyah |
| 05/02/03 at 17:37:12 |
| Ruqayyah |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/02/03 at 21:46:48 |
| Asalamu Alaikum, Jazakallah for all the replies...everybodys opinion is appreciated - even Brother Bhaloo's. Just for the sake of clarity, I do understand what i did was wrong. full stop. i do understand i need to repent, and InshaAllah i have absolutely no intention of falling into sin again. It may be its a mercy from Allah (swt) and it may be his punishment, but only Allah (swt) can judge us and he is the most Fair. Bhaloo is right in saying that i came looking for a response to the 'betrayal' part, although that does not mean I dont recognise what I have done has wronged my own soul. It is good to be reminded that i was not in a marriage, because in some warped way that is what i tried to tell myself everyday to justify the sin : 'that its only a matter of time, but he will inshaAllah be my husband'. I suppose after years of feeling that, a person does feel betrayed by someone who gave their word that they were committed and to whom you certainly felt loyalty and commitment. It doesn't excuse the sin and I'm not looking for excuses. What I'm looking for is a way to understand how a man - this man in particular - is able to in effect play around with a woman's self-respect but not have the decency to provide her with the rights of a wife. Now granted, if I hadn't given him the oppportuntity to do so, i wouldn't be in this position, but people to stupid things when they're young, naive, in a haram environment and not practicing Islam. Shaitan has a way of making you think 'you're ONLY going to do this or that' and before you know it you're involved in a situation where you have become emotionally attached. What im talking about is when you've both forced yourselves to leave that haram environment and made the intention of making things halal through marriage, then is it wrong of the woman to feel that the man should have had the strength to marry her despite the disapproval from his family? Wasalaam |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| boy |
| 05/03/03 at 03:21:11 |
| [quote author=bhaloo link=board=madrasa;num=1051203560;start=0#10 date=05/02/03 at 02:43:44]sarah, what is he doing here? ???[/quote] actually i met arsalan the other day and figured i'd start checking up on here every now and then. but thanks for the welcome yaar. [quote] No it does matter. have you ever talked to someone in your 17 years of life that has done these things, and the way they think? [/quote] firstly i don't see my age as being all that relevant...secondly would you like me to number the people i know that have been and are involved in scuh delimmas? right off the hand i can think of 10 people. thanks for wondering. [quote] the lack of self-respect they have for themselves[/quote] i really don't see a lack of respect they supposedly have for themselves. please elaborate. unless you mean that they involved themself in something that is apparently a major sin and hence they automatically are degrading themselves. and the simple answer to that is most of the times the intentions are pure that they will go to parents and get married. and it keeps being delayed and they have too much invested to leave. which again is not necessarily a lack of respect...just a lack of strength. [quote]them trying to understand why this is happening, trying to make them understand so they don't do these things again?[/quote] the way it should work is that once you burn your hand and recognize that it kinda hurts...you don't do it again. that being said yes it happens. but then again all these things happen in situations that are seemingly 'halal' sometimes too don't they? if your married and get a divorce a similar emotional state occurs yet is that punishment too? [quote] these things probably didn't even cross your mind, did they? have you thought about what to say? well have you? [/quote] yes infact i've offered advice to, much to your dismay im sure. i think the point is yes i have thought of it. i have done it. and i think i do have a fairly decent grasp of the issue. so no i don't think my opinion is a foolish immature (after its only a "17" years opinion) naive unintelligent and most of all liberal opinon. [quote] yes, people in such situations need consoling, but they also need purpose and direction otherwise without it they will repeat their mistakes. [/quote] if someones burned take em to the hopsital before yelling at em. thats all im saying. |
| 05/03/03 at 03:33:01 |
| boy |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| bhaloo |
| 05/03/03 at 13:43:28 |
| [slm] [quote author=boy link=board=madrasa;num=1051203560;start=15#15 date=05/03/03 at 03:21:11] actually i met arsalan the other day and figured i'd start checking up on here every now and then. [/quote] i don't buy that. i think it has to do with me setting up a blog with some talented writers here. i think its no coincidence you appeared here 2 days after sarah started participating in it (after you had been gone for nearly a year). and the first thing you post is a post filled with arguing with a complete lack of adab, not to mention it didn't even contain any salaam. this board is not a place for arguing, insults, or fighting, and this type of behavior will not be tolerated here, leave that before coming here. Lack of respect for themselves means, that they will do ANYTHING (even if it is completely haraam) to please Allah's creation, because they have become so emotionally attached in such a situation. And they do this because it feels good to have someone love them, care for them, make them feel happy (that's one reason why this fire analogy is completely inappropriate). And when the other person is upset with them, they try and look for more ways to make that person happy, no matter what it takes. In a way, this is a kind of shirk, because one is worshipping the creation instead of Allah. Sisters Zomorrud and Ruqqayyah's posts are correct, alhumdullilah. My only concern is that sister Anonymous understands what is going on so insha'Allah it doesn't happen again, and insha'Allah to hasten to repentance. Alhumdullilah it seems like this is the path she is taking, so I therefore have nothing further to say on this matter, nor do I have time to argue with people. |
| 05/03/03 at 13:49:38 |
| bhaloo |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| Ruqayyah |
| 05/03/03 at 15:06:23 |
| [slm] [quote]What im talking about is when you've both forced yourselves to leave that haram environment and made the intention of making things halal through marriage, then is it wrong of the woman to feel that the man should have had the strength to marry her despite the disapproval from his family? [/quote] Now isn't that the 100 million dollar question? We've had this question brought up quite a few times on this board. [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=madrasa&action=display&num=6581]How do I win over his mom's heart?[/url] [wlm] ruqayyah |
| 05/03/03 at 15:10:43 |
| Ruqayyah |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| boy |
| 05/03/03 at 16:20:51 |
| [quote author=bhaloo link=board=madrasa;num=1051203560;start=15#16 date=05/03/03 at 13:43:28][slm] i don't buy that. i think it has to do with me setting up a blog with some talented writers here. i think its no coincidence you appeared here 2 days after sarah started participating in it (after you had been gone for nearly a year). [/quote] i registered: Apr 27th, 2003, 12:00am which was the first minute after the day i met him. and honestly i don't even know what your talking about. but i still fail to see the point in discussing why im posting. [quote]and the first thing you post is a post filled with arguing with a complete lack of adab, not to mention it didn't even contain any salaam. this board is not a place for arguing, insults, or fighting, and this type of behavior will not be tolerated here, leave that before coming here.[/quote] you also commented on my age and asked why the hell i was here. thats very adabful isn't it? and reading the 'madina constitution i come upon this "Use wisdom and kindness when speaking to each other AND to non-Muslims. Remember this verse at all times" and i find you violated that and hence i replied. but im content with agreeing to disagreeing. |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| chaz |
| 05/03/03 at 21:19:58 |
| [slm] people and meeeeeee-ouchhhhh! to be honest, i think we're losing the issue here ::) i mean, Sis Anon posted her situation in want of a reply to her answer, not to be a by-stander in a slanging (forgive me if it's not my place to say, but as a new member to this board it just seems that this is how so many posts end up.) personally Sis Anon, I think when someone you 'love' and depend on so much is taken away from u, Allah (swt) is showing u that He is the only one u can ever depend on unconditionally. People will let u down all the time, u can give them everything they want and at the end of the day they will still turn round and stab you in the back. It's just in their nature because what they themselves are doing, is not for the sake of Allah (swt), its for their own self desires. Of course this guy is completely wrong to promise u the world and lead u on under the false pretense that it will end in a 'halaal' way, but as someone once said to me, how can the outcome of a situation be halaal if the path to it is haraam? the only advice i can offer u is dua, bring yourself closer to Allah (swt), give Him your complete devotion and prove not only to Him but also to yourself that u dont need this guy. perhaps he was a blessing in disguise to draw u closer to Allah (swt) when things turned sour, or perhaps, as you said, it may indeed be a punishment. The only certainty is that Allah (swt) is by ur side and He will always remain true to u. An analogy for you, when a child wants a sweet, he will promise his mother to do all his chores and homework, be in bed by a certain tym etc etc, jus because he sees something he wants so badly, he will promise and say anything just as long as he gets it. Maybe not exactly the same thing, but this guy, was he telling u what he believed or what he wanted you to believe? Hope i haven't confuzzled u even more keep the peace ;) wasalaams Chaz |
| Re: Coping with betrayal? |
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| jannah |
| 05/04/03 at 00:43:04 |
| [slm] bhaloo and boy can u take ur personal issues offline? jazakamullahu khairan as for this topic.. has anyone actually married someone who's parents were against the marriage? how does that work for your future? won't they always dislike/resent you the rest of your lives and maybe always remind the couple of the fact that it wasn't something they wanted? did they ever soften towards you or do they continue to influence the marriage, etc? what about the spouse maybe resenting you later on because of the breakup of the family relationship? or you feeling you sacrified so much to be with this person... maybe these are some practical questions people should think about before they actually get into something like that...? |
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