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Community effort at the Matrimonial thing

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Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Ruqayyah
04/25/03 at 18:52:55
[slm]

So our community's masjid is putting together a "matrimonial dinner" where prospective singles can come w/ their parents in hopes of meeting their other half. Has anyone else's community done this? and more importantly was it helpful? The aunties who are coordinating it wanted some input from the youth out there, so i'm calling out to all you guys to lend some advice  ;D

I dunno, it sounds a little awkward to me, trying to "mingle" w/ people, but at least this way it's somewhat more appropriate than hooking up somewhere else w/out the right intentions.

jazkallah khair!

[wlm]
Ruqayyah
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
hijabi4L
04/25/03 at 23:24:36
[slm]
Are you talking about the one in Cleveland?  b/c we're having one here and I kinda got pushed into going...  so now i'm looking for a way out  ::)   but we couldn't think of any great ideas either, they were just saying how they would have the teens separated by age groups, etc.  but inshallah i think it's gonna be an interesting experience... we'll see  ;)
[wlm]
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Ruqayyah
04/26/03 at 14:02:06
[slm]
yup it's in c-town alright! yea i dunno, i have my exam the following week so i have a good excuse not to go  ;D  I just always imagined me finding that person through school or work or something on my own. Allahu alim, whatever Allah wills works for me  ;D

[wlm]
ruqayyah
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
jaihoon
04/26/03 at 15:14:02
[quote author=Ruqayyah link=board=bebzi;num=1051307575;start=0#0 date=04/25/03 at 18:52:55] [slm]

I dunno, it sounds a little awkward to me, trying to "mingle" w/ people, but at least this way it's somewhat more appropriate than hooking up somewhere else w/out the right intentions.
Ruqayyah[/quote]

jazak Allah khair for bringing up this topic  ::)

It sure is an 'innovative' way for the Muslims at least, the only fear being it may be an 'imitation' of other communitites. But then as you rightly said, "it's somewhat more appropriate than hooking up somewhere else w/out the right intentions".  ???
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
AyeshaZ
04/26/03 at 16:18:47



[wlm]


he he errr you guys ready for 2maro's meeting he he :) 10:30 a.m at ICC in the library.. CSU chicas went out for lunch yesterday, I already recruited 6 "potential" applicants :)...
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Anonymous
04/27/03 at 04:03:15
assalamu alaikum,

If the idea is to have a dinner and a chance to
"oogle" at each other then, I am sorry to say
that this is way too cultural and not Islamic.

What kind of interaction is this presumed
"matrimonial" dinner encouraging?

Why can't the dinner be for the young ladies,
with the aunties, moms, sisters of the eligible
bros only. i.e., no men allowed, just women. This
would introduce the families to each other and
allow others to exchange "resumes" so to speak!

And while we are at it, why should it be a dinner?
Why should muslim women be out late when it is
really not necessary?  Be innovative and make
it a brunch.  Include contests, fashion shows,
poetry, and a Quran recitation competition.

I hope that this event is inclusive of many
ethnicities and is not dominated by one.

Anyway, I hope you take the above to heart for
future similar events if it is too late for
this one.

wassalam
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Tesseract
04/27/03 at 08:51:16
Wa'alaikum Assalam wa rahmatullah,

        This really sounds weird, but how exactly is it supposed to work? Say for example, u have 5 or 6 single brothers and 5 or 6 single sisters, so they all come together for dinner alongwith their parents, and then they get to mix with each other, talk to each other or just look at each other or what? If they get to talk to each other, what are they supposed to talk about  ??? But all things aside, if I were in such a situation, I wouldn't miss the 'dinner'  atleast  ;)

Wassalam.
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Ruqayyah
04/27/03 at 17:49:44
[slm]

well we had a little planning meeting today and talked about a few key things. and i have to admit that i was a bit weary about the whole thing, but after hearing more about it, it sounded like it would really be done in an islamic and professional manner.

First was that it would be stressed that people coming to the dinner should have the right intention, that they're not there to oogle people, but to get to know people for the purpose of a possible marriage. They're also not limiting this to the youth but are encouraging the older unmarried people in the community to take part as well. We're advertising this to a lot of the masjids in the area (ones that are mostly desi, others that are mostly african american) and hope to have a wide variety of ethnicities there. (we have both arabs and desi's on the planning committee right now)  I think this dinner is good for the new reverts as well b/c it can be hard for them to find someone especially if they don't know the community as well.

[quote]Why can't the dinner be for the young ladies,  
with the aunties, moms, sisters of the eligible
bros only. i.e., no men allowed, just women. This
would introduce the families to each other and  
allow others to exchange "resumes" so to speak![/quote]

I think that getting to know someone through a family spokesperson can give you some insight as to what the family is like, but it doesn't always give you an accurate picture of what the guy/girl is like.  And this way you'd also get to know the person in real life and how they interact w/ people. Not to mention the fact that you'd know what they looked like too. And i think that would only be fair for the guy as well. His idea of a nice looking girl might be different from what his sisters/mom think.

I also think that the atmosphere of the dinner would be pretty similar to how students interact w/ their classmates or how workers interact w/ their colleagues. I interact w/ guys all the time at the hospital, whether it be colleagues or patients, and there is a professional yet friendly approach that i think can work and still be islamic. I think the same is true for MSA's out there. You often have to interact w/ the brothers to put a program or event together, but it's done in an islamic way.

[quote]Be innovative and make it a brunch.  Include contests, fashion shows,  poetry, and a Quran recitation competition.[/quote]

That sounds like a fun idea for a sister's retreat! Inshallah maybe our community could do something like that in the future.

[quote]Why should muslim women be out late when it is
really not necessary?  [/quote]

The parents are invited as well to the dinner and will be seated at tables in the back of the room, so i imagine the guys and girls would be coming w/ their parents.

We're going to have the people fill out info sheets about themselves and what they're looking for and then we're going to put them at tables of 7 other people they have stuff in common with. I think the q's people would ask would be the same ones you'd ask if you were getting to know anyone, like where do you go to school/work, what do you like to do for fun, etc.

Right now we need to think of ice breakers for the tables, so that way people just don't sit there and say nothing. Something where they have a task to complete and this way they could see how people interact w/ others. We were thinking of having a sheet of "favorites" like favorite movie, etc on the table to spur conversation. What kinds of ice breakers have they had at msa retreats or workshops?

jazakallah khair :)

[wlm]
ruqayyah

Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
AyeshaZ
04/27/03 at 21:56:52

[wlm]


he he i hate detours  ;)

I think there is a really thin line about people taking it seriously and some folks coming solely to "check out" guys and girls... As ruqayyah said all of us college students and younger folks who got involved were extremely weary.. errr many of us still are :)
You will always have people who will come with wrong intentions but if Islamic guidelines are laid firmly insha’Allah  things will workout.
But upon sharing this idea with many friends of mine, subhan'Allah amazingly they all embraced it.. Many issues that were brought up like what about single bros and sisters in our communities who don't have families here or those divorced? Many Muslim brothers end up marrying women out of their faith because they don't know how to approach Muslim women.. Shouldn’t our communities be doing something to help the bros and sisters who really are seeking and don't know how to?

There are many issues subhan'Allah but this is the very "first" time our community is organizing such an event, khair insha'Allah.
In MI they have been doing this for several yrs and have had many success stories..
But  Wallahu A'lam
04/27/03 at 21:59:13
AyeshaZ
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Rameeza
04/28/03 at 14:38:24
[slm]
Assalamu alaikum,
Sounds like a great plan sister Ruqaiyyah! SInce there is no better way for many sisters and brothers to meet these days. Plus, the 'chance meetings' leading to something that works out are usually very rare.
As said by others if you keep the Islamic guidelines in mind it would not get out of hand plus these things can't be perfect, we could just do our best and have the best of intentions.
As a way to make the people mingle, it would be great to have some games or activities to make strangers have to do something together. I always feel that doing some project or something makes me make friends way better than if I had to just strike up a conversation.
Good Luck.
Salaams
r
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Raafi
04/29/03 at 22:04:39
aside from this sounding a lot llike some kafir dating, my daughters told me that if i ever took them to such an affair, they would disown me

they would rather i recommend, or one of their brothers recommend a brother than be publically humiliated like that, at some meat case
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
hijabi4L
04/30/03 at 20:54:57
[slm]
Yea i've been getting a lotttt of negative feedback about this gathering....  
Many of the younger people had the same reaction as Raafi's daughters, and many of the parents were repelled by the idea altogether.  But i guess there are maybe some bros and sisters out there who might like the idea....  i dont' know, i'm just going to help set-up  ;)  insha'allah all goes well and we'll see how it turns out.  i guess it never hurts to try new things!  
[wlm]
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
onemuslimgirl
04/30/03 at 21:46:11
asalaam alakum,
I know the aunties who are planning this event mean well, and may Allah reward them for their efforts inshAllah. I too tried to have something like this done in our community a little while back, but it did not turn out too well. Alot of sisters showed up with their parents, and only a handful of brothers came, mostly older men (whereas the sisters were much younger). This is not to discourage  you from doing this, as inshAllah if done with the right intention and as long as it follows the Islamic laws, inshAllah it will benefit the community.

However, may I recommend something that has worked out a lot better in our community. Basically we have an Auntie who likes matchmaking. She is what we call back home a khatba; a matchmaker. Everyone calls her when they have someone who wants to get married. She has a notebook with names, phone numbers, and qualifications of people who call her. I know atleast 5 people in our community who have gotten married through her services. She keeps her work very confidential and is honest and upfront about everything. She does this fee sabil ilAllah, that means she does not take any money at all.

Maybe something similar can be done at your mosque. I know wiht all the high tech programs available now, maybe they can set up a database and each Auntie can volunteer a few hours each day to answer phone calls and help in put data in to one big data base and match people. or they can do the notebook thing if they are more comfortable like our Auntie matchmaker.
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
a_Silver_Rose
04/30/03 at 22:16:03
[slm]
wow  it seems quite embarrasing :-[ Even you people who are setting this up are trying to get out of it. (But Alhumdulilah you have good intentions)
Just curious, cant people do the samething in regular parties/masjid? For example when a brother sees a sister working in the mosque or how she interacts with others in regular daily life.  And this way people know they are not coming for 'that' and act more like themselves. Another concern that what if two brothers end up liking the same sister or vice versa ::)

Yah that is a good idea sister onemuslimgirl. It is everyones duty to help the people get married. Isnt there a hadith that says that?

Anyhow May Allah (Swt) do whatever is best.

your sis
05/03/03 at 18:26:45
a_Silver_Rose
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
AyeshaZ
05/01/03 at 00:28:09
[wlm]

Reminder Meeting Again, Sunday 10:30 a.m at ICC..

wohh Hijabi4L  ha ha khale hana has is it all planned for ya sista!!

but in all honesty the more I am thinking about it the more i feel like not getting involved.. Ya'll are making me nervous.. sonya where you at??  :P

**The idea of having "a sister" in a community which everyone can refer to is brilliant!!! Some of my friends from toronto were telling me about it..
I guess we have to wait and see how it works!!! *sigh* but knowing our community, it sure will be interesting!!!

Highlight of the Event..
Brother Anas Osman from nawawi foundation will give a talk on Marriage!!
www.nawawi.org




Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Ruqayyah
05/01/03 at 13:40:11
[slm]

On the one hand it sounds like a nice idea and a good effort at trying to get some of our single folk meeting people for marriage, but i do understand about how it would be awkward. I mean ideally, it would be nice to meet someone at school or through your MSA (if you have one) or through your work at the masjid, but not everyone has those avenues to meet people. but there is always that auntie connection.....

I can see how an event like this could turn into some kind of "show off the girls in our community", or like all the guys and girls trying to check each other out, but I would really hope that it wouldn't be like that.


A delicate situation like this needs wisdom. What about some of our seasoned and wise jannah members? Kathy? jannah? se7en? What do you all think of this?

And for the married folks, how did you all meet your spouses?

ayesha, the next meeting is on may 11th right?

[wlm]
ruqayyah
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
se7en
05/01/03 at 16:29:04
as salaamu alaykum,

At least your community is trying *something*.. we need to find halal ways for people to get married, and most communities just turn a blind eye to it altogether and leave people to their own devices.. which, if you look to our youth, has had some seriously negative consequeneces.

[quote]
And while we are at it, why should it be a dinner?
Why should muslim women be out late when it is
really not necessary? [/quote]

??? Anon, can you explain this further please.


wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah
05/01/03 at 16:30:03
se7en
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
a_Silver_Rose
05/01/03 at 17:36:03
[slm]

[quote]At least your community is trying *something*.. we need to find halal ways for people to get married, and most communities just turn a blind eye to it altogether and leave people to their own devices.. which, if you look to our youth, has had some seriously negative consequeneces.
[/quote]

Yah this is really true, that is why I think there shouldnt be 'one auntie' or 'one uncle' who hooks people up but every single man and woman should do this, because isnt this our duty as muslims? I have noticed there are only really certain people who do that, while everyone should be doing it.


Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Rameeza
05/03/03 at 18:01:29
[slm]
SIlverrose, you took the words right outa my mouth.
If everyone does it in a subtle and appropriate manner we wont have these issues.
[] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] []
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Nomi
05/05/03 at 11:29:33
[slm] all

okay "Food for thought" time :)

1] Whatif the match making committee decides that bro "A" should talk to sis "B" and vice versa, but anyone of them says  no i can't coz maybe s/he dint like the looks?? what then? embarrassment for the one rejected !!! How shall this be taken care of or "was" taken care of ?

2] Again, whatif 2,3,4?.. sisters, bros like the same member of the opposite gender and wish to talk? would they take turns!!! i mean take turns on talking to the same sis/bro infront of each other ?? !! does this sound okay? if not then whats the way out of such situation ??

I think the best solution for this issue (marriage) would be that each Muslim should think of it as his/her responsibility to do a firm effort for finding the matches to those sis/bros who intend to get married and to float "this" idea and to make people aware "community efforts" should be put together and hence prospect couples should meet each other in presence of just their family members and not infront of the those who are next in the "list"

Lets pray that this effort which is reared by a very good intention, yield good, ameen

[slm]
Asim Zafar
Arranged Marriages...
SuperHiMY
05/05/03 at 14:42:10
.
 
            AsalamAlayKum,
            Peace and e-Greetings be upon you all (single or otherwise) .


            After reading this thread, I return to my own personal belief:


           [i] " Yes I believe in arranged marriages...
            . . .  I'll arrange it myself. "[/i]

.                                                                                             ~ HiMY! ~




         ;)




.
howdy..
princess
05/05/03 at 14:59:46
as'salaamualaikum ;D

[quote author=Raafi link=board=bebzi;num=1051307575;start=0#10 date=04/29/03 at 22:04:39]aside from this sounding a lot llike some kafir dating, my daughters told me that if i ever took them to such an affair, they would disown me

they would rather i recommend, or one of their brothers recommend a brother than be publically humiliated like that, at some meat case[/quote]

what bit of the event sounds 'kafir'? ??? you come to an event like this, with the intention of finding someone to marry, especially since you are bringing your parents.  i don't know many 'kafir's' who go on dates with their parents ::)

i think things like this should be done more often.  when you are gathered at something like this, you [i]know[/i] others are there with the same intention as you (our family).  it's good also like someone else said, for people who have been divorced or are a bit older then your average age.

for ice breakers you can have a sheet of 10 questions (example):
(1) who has been to hajj?
(2) who was born outside the states?
(3) who has a pet?

etc.  random questions like that work well.  so you don't have a one sided gender show (more girlys come then boys or vice versa) start out small.  only allow X number of girlys and X number of boys.  

i'm not too fond of the "aunti" network ::) you [i]can[/i] just as well, see people at your masjid, or through school or whatever else, but you don't know what [i]their[/i] situation is.  but if they are attending an event for single people to meet, you know they are looking to get married.
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Nomi
05/05/03 at 15:20:08
[quote]
" Yes I believe in arranged marriages...
  . . .  I'll arrange it myself. "

.                  ~ HiMY! ~
[/quote]

guess what, i believe in arranged marriages too, my parents fix it after a "yes" from me and if the lady says "yes" then i'll arrange rest of the things :)

okie its just written in humor so just think that u never read it :), but that sure is an easy going way to marriage :)
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
hijabi4L
05/05/03 at 17:53:56
[slm]
ok bro nomi's questions started to make me a bit nervous...  :(    but then i thought about it and realized that most of these problems will be solved during the "mingling time" before or afterward.  now don't think of this as bad mingling, its just a little reception type thing with appetizers, etc. where everyone can talk to whomever they want.  this way, if you were interested in meeting someone who u didnt have a chance to talk to, that would be your opportunity.  
as for the whatif two + people like the same person, well we're not guaranteeing for these people to walk out engaged.  this basically is a forum that provides potential and opportunity for meeting others, one shouldnt feel as though they will definitely find their future spouse simply because they entered  ;)  that is all up to Allah SWT, and when the time is right according to Allah, that's when we get married!  if someone is interested in a person that doesnt return the interest, then allahu a'lam, who can say what will happen?  hopefully things turn out for the best.
i guess we just need to think more positively about this whole event, and maybe view it as more of a benefit to single muslims who are having a difficult time and would like to meet others, and less as a cheesy dating game.  insha'allah this is all being done with the best of intentions, and if anyone comes out a little bit happier than when they walked in, whether it was b/c they got engaged  ;D or simply b/c they saw an old friend, than alhamdulillah!   8)
[wlm]  
p.s.  lets all have a  []  and make du'aa!
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Ruqayyah
05/05/03 at 22:25:53
[slm]

Here are some ice breakers I found online:

Ice breakers:

1.Everyone is given a sign to wear on their back that has the name of a famous person on it. Someone puts the sign on your back so you can’t look at your own sign. Ask others to give you clues as to who you are, and then you sit w/ the people who all have the same nameplate on their back. Could make it Islamic too, w/ famous muslim people. This could work great during the refreshment/mingling part.

2.M&M’s. take as many as you want and then you have to tell that many things about yourself. You can even color code them; red for sports, green for favorite books, etc.

3.Take 2 things out of your purse/wallet and explain why they’re in there.

4.How would you spend $1,000,000?

5.Silent Castle building.  Each group is given a bunch of paper and some tape. Without speaking, each group has 20 minutes to build the highest tower. At the end, students may also judge the castles according to beauty, creativity, durability, etc.

6.You have to find 3 things in common w/ another person at your table. (besides the obvious, we’re both muslim, we’re both from Jordan, etc)

7.List of random questions that can spark conversation:
   a.All I want for Eid is…..
   b.If you could be any animated character who would you be
   c. whatever else you can think of

We could potentially have a different ice breaker at each table. We should give them enough time to complete the task and then maybe just have time to chill and talk about whatever too!

And really a lot of the topics that come up in the bebzi stand or the akhwat cafe or the ikhwan club could work too!  :-*

[wlm]
ruqayyah
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Nomi
05/08/03 at 07:39:08
[slm], how about asking everyone to come on the dice for five minutes and just express one's ownself like, what one thinks of him/her self and what do they feel as muslims living in the culture they are in etc AND what would they do to that 100,000 $ reward/money, what do they feel about the plight of muslims (so that others may know about their religious values too), how do they want to improve upon their deeds as muslims and what are their career plans

This would really give everyone a nice idea about them and more importantly they wont have to express themselves 4-5 times incase they are to talk to more than one member of opposite gender, it'll help saving time (i guess) and also that irking feeling (of repeating the same thing) will be there no more

But you may have already finalized things :), just wanted to give few more suggestions for the next ceremony (may be) :)

your brother in islaam
05/08/03 at 09:00:53
Nomi
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Sunnah
05/11/03 at 21:53:56
[slm]

This is a very noble idea.  I wish my community had something like this. Where i live there are a lot of Muslim from all over the world, but nobody do anything together. "sigh"

Thus most of us have no choice beside arrange marriage... :(

[wlm]
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
a_Silver_Rose
05/12/03 at 16:36:53
[slm]

[quote]Thus most of us have no choice beside arrange marriage...  
[/quote]


Well uh sweety this is also arranged hmm unless ofcourse you believe in love at first sight.... ::)

Which reminded me of something I heard once:

[i][color=Teal]Do you believe in love at first sight.....
Orrr should I pass by you again...
:D

Love you all ;)
your sis[/color][/i]
05/12/03 at 17:42:05
a_Silver_Rose
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
siddiqui
05/20/03 at 11:23:04
[slm]
Well it was interresting to read the views on this,
The ice breakers where kind of cool since summer is fast approaching  ;)
I was confused between wary and weary but thats okie  :P english aint my
mothers tounge  :P

Just wanted to know how was the meet,how did the brothers and sisters
who attended it feel(vis-a- vis) comfort levels,where they any sucesses, and would you recommend it based on your personal experience to other communities(including our very own cow town ;)

[wlm]


[quote]Orrr should I pass by you again...  [/quote]
Psssssssssssssssst I heard somebody say:Nawwwwww dont bother Iam selectively blind  8)
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
Ruqayyah
05/27/03 at 11:54:05
[slm]

So alhamdulilah, the dinner was Sunday night and inshallah i'll get around to writing some words down about how it went. overall alhamdulilah it turned out well  :-*  

ayesha, any thoughts?

[wlm]

p.s. if you're reading this, PLEASE make dua i pass my exam on friday!  jazakallah khair  :-X
Re: Community effort at the Matrimonial thing
AyeshaZ
05/31/03 at 02:35:07
[wlm] :)

Insha'Allah you did awesome in your exam!!!!

Alhamdullilah, I actually thought the dinner went very well except for starting late and the ice breakers not going too well.

I personally didn't like the prolong mingling in the lobby!!!!
But the color coordinated name tags, food and stuff was really good.

ha ha what was hilrious is sooooo many aunties came just to "check out" the event, which was nice but a bit uncomfortable. The sisters from MI left a huge list of suggestions so will share that with you..

Pros:
*Alhamdullilah, i got a lot of positive feedback through e-mails and seeing many sisters the next day at school.
*It was obviously done according to Islamic guidelines  and the Imam went into the details of "taaruf" or getting to know each other as an important step to consider before marriage.
**Brother Anas Osman was awesome!!!
* over a 100 people showed up and a few from out of town.
*Mmm food was yummy!!!

Cons:
*The ice-breakers that we worked sooo hard on due to time constraints didn't work too well.. b/c we started according to Muslim Standard Time!!

*Our whole idea was for people not to sit with their friends but that failed miserably.
*We needed more facilitators.

Alhamdullilah, the idea has been introduced in Cleveland soooo insha'Allah will get better with time..

he he now i wanna hear from you :)


[quote author=Ruqayyah link=board=bebzi;num=1051307575;start=15#29 date=05/27/03 at 11:54:05] [slm]

So alhamdulilah, the dinner was Sunday night and inshallah i'll get around to writing some words down about how it went. overall alhamdulilah it turned out well  :-*  

ayesha, any thoughts?

[wlm]

p.s. if you're reading this, PLEASE make dua i pass my exam on friday!  jazakallah khair  :-X[/quote]
05/31/03 at 02:37:21
AyeshaZ


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