A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Married but alone |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/02/03 at 23:26:36 |
| Sisters I have been married almost 24 months but we have only been together a total of 8 months of it. When I was single I was single. That was just the way it was. But being married but not together is awful. Be it job, family, immigration I was wondering if anyone else is in the same boat. How are you dealing with it. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and an adjustment time. But my first two years consist of 5 seperations and get back together and get reaquainted and adjust all over again. During this time I have had to deal with things on my own. Family, financial, medical. My practical mind understands. But there is a part of me that is very angry and resentful. I am not sure how to handle this and divorce crosses my mind. I know it is not right. But I am hurting. |
| Re: Married but alone |
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| Rameeza |
| 05/03/03 at 16:43:05 |
| [slm] Assalamu Alaikum sister, I am not able to understand why these seperations have taken place. But, I think that Islam allows for a divorce if the seperations are long enough to be like an abandonment. Please clarify your position. Last but not least, my sympathies on your state and hope ALlah helps you out, be it in finding a better life with/without your husband |
| Re: Married but alone |
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| bhaloo |
| 05/03/03 at 20:34:52 |
| [slm] I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Have you and your husband maybe discussed these issues with a muslim marriage counselor (i think jannah or se7en have the contact information). Insha'Allah making talking things through and trying to figure out what's going on might help the situation. May Allah (SWT) help you through this difficult time. |
| Re: Married but alone |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 05/03/03 at 20:50:15 |
| [slm] Sister The way you are feeling is very understandable. It seems like with seperating you both are running away from the problem while you really need to face the problem and try to resolve it. Somtimz its easier when we have an understanding of each others rights. Chek out: Rights of a wife over the husband http://members.tripod.com/maseeh1/advices7/id207.htm Rights of the husband over the wife http://members.tripod.com/maseeh1/advices7/id206.htm Yes in Qur'an it says if you feel abandonment by your husband then you should make a peaceful settelment on this matter. It is your right that he supports you and that he is there for you. You really need to discuss this with your husband and tell him how you feel and and try to understand what is botherng him also. Somtimz thats all you need to do. If that doesnt work then you should get a person from your family member and one from his to help you resolve the issue. Make lots of dua and turn to Allah (swt) for help and He will definately help you. If all in end doesnt work then insh'Allah Allah (swt) will provide something better for you. Check out Qur'an 4:35, 128, 130. May Allah (swt) do what is best for you and make things easy on you. Ameen your sister ps muslim marriage counseling is a gr8 idea. :) |
| 05/03/03 at 21:01:55 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
| Re: Married but alone |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/05/03 at 17:37:02 |
| Thank you all for your kind words. They are so appreciated. It is his job that keeps us apart. I do not feel abandoned per say. The logical mind understands but the heart hurts. He will be retiring in about 6 months. No we have not seeked counseling. One one of us is Muslim. And he is gone so we cannot seek counseling. Just in 24 months of marriage we have only been together maybe 8. And we have experienced 5 seperations and re-adjustments and this was not of our will. Was job related. I know I should be patient as 6 months is not far away. I don't even know who he is anymore. I love him with all my heart and he is a good man. He supports me well and takes care of me. But he is never home. I'm filled with anger and resentment and I don't mean to be. |
| Re: Married but alone |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 05/05/03 at 19:41:16 |
| [slm] (peace be to you) Sister ohhh now I understand. but Wow Alhumduililah (praise be to Allah) you have six months left. And as someone said patience brings many rewards. Sister Islamically it is recommended to take the wife if he is going to be gon a long while. So you can try that in the meantime? And look how you are blessed with a  husband who is a good man who takes good care of you. And ofcourse thats not always enough b/c you really need him to be there physically but Just think of the happy timz ahead. And pray to God for a good future. God willing you will have a lot of time then to get to know each other more. Will be worth the wait ;) your feelings are even more understandable now.  It must be very hard to be married and not able to be together. Sister you should read these duas/prayers, in timez of hardship/distress. http://www.themuslimwoman.com/DistressHardships/ If you are not Muslim or/and cannot read arabic then you can still read the translation as they are only prayers to the one and only God. And we all have the same God. Turn to Him and He will help you cope. take care May Alah (swt) make things eazy on you. your sis |
| 05/05/03 at 19:45:36 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
| Re: Married but alone |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/05/03 at 19:41:49 |
| Dear Anonymous, I can relate with your situation. I cannot say anything about personal advice. But I can sympathize that your situation is a difficult one and not so easy on the heart. In my own experiences that we had, for work related reasons as you have stated,we needed to be apart. Before the last two times, we said we would not do that again, and then the reality of life took us back to the necessity. I can feel where you are coming from on the point of not knowing each other. When you spend day in and day out with your own surroundings, you start to become in that reality. My husband related this kind of idea recently. He was talking about his good friends back home. You see these guys are all great guys. And the group of them were really close, could count on one another for anything etc. Since he has been away from them for quite awhile. He said, you know it is kind of sad. You live the reality of what you are around, and you start not being able to relate with one another on topics. We are each as grown men with our own lives living our own set of realities now. (What they come in face with day by day) Fortunately, praise be to Allah(swt), we have made it back together for the time being, and we're both praying that it stays that way. We try to remind each other that we are under God/Allah's direction and that He Knows & takes care. But I also realized after some time back together, that the seperations were just as hard on him as they were on me, that kind of put my heart at ease a little, the sincerity that I found in it.(He tries to be so strong. You know the man. But it is visible that it's not easy on him either). Something like, apart but really not alone. It is so hard being alone, and that can feel like an understatement. But as well, a good man is such a blessing. Allah(swt) knows best. [quote] He will be retiring in about 6 months. [/quote] That in itself sounds hopeful. It would be great if the distance could end for you soon. God/Allah Willing. All I can say, is I know it is not easy. I KNOW, it is NOT EASY. May God/Allah(swt) Bless you for your Struggles through this life. May He make it easier soon. Sincerely, Anonymous Sympathizer P.S. You have to hear my husband, "nothing good comes from being apart". My heart tells me the same thing. But under Allah(swt), I'm thankful for our blessings as well as our difficulties. All Praise is due to Allah, He knows Best. |
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