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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
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| theOriginal |
| 05/08/03 at 10:18:49 |
| [slm] All I gotta say is.. start warning your brothers, ladies! The List Questions for Potential Marriage Partners © Copyright 2003 Kamilat Undoubtedly the pre-marital process of Muslims in the US who typically seek lifelong marriage partners is at best an uphill challenge. Gone are the simple ways of communities of old, with social support structures that matched brides and grooms "until death they did part". Allah never intended for couples to enter such a serious commitment without doing their homework. It is not enough to simply say "bismillah" and expect a storybook ending. With divorce rates soaring in the Muslim community, new strategies are sorely needed for identifying Mr. and Mrs. Right. About the Authors The following list was compiled by two women--biological sisters--as an interview tool to expose problem areas likely to render a marriage unsuccessful. They also sought to open areas of discussion that are all too often ignored until couples have tied the knot and invested years in the marriage. While the authors wish to remain anonymous, they do stand by The List, citing that it facilitated an open level of communication in their own respective pre-marital negotiations that would have not occurred otherwise. Each are happily married and have two children. Why Use The List? Kamilat presents this interview--jokingly known as "The List"--in an effort to help Muslims, particularly Muslim women, better negotiate pre-marital discussion and the laying of "ground rules". This process is fully supported in Islamic tradition, so don't be shy to use it. It's better to find out NOW if your suitor is unwilling to answer your questions, or if his answers are 180 degrees opposed to your own views on life, marriage and parenting. Please feel free to download and print The List, share it with your friends, of course with proper attribution to Kamilat. Men can alter the questions slightly to suit their intent (as shown here, the questions are posed by a woman). And don't forget to share your comments, reactions, narrow escapes and success stories with us! Happy hunting! _______________________________________ Religion Do you perform the sunnah prayers of fajr? What Islamic organizations are you involved with? How much dawa work do you do? How much Qur`an have you memorized? How much can you teach me? Personal Issues (Sensitive Situations) My friend, of whom you don’t approve, knocks on our door and says she has left her husband. Do you call her mother or do you let her stay for as long as she needs? You see a good-looking woman hitchhiking on the side of a deserted road, and you pick her up and drop her off at a gas station, as she has requested. Would you tell me about it or choose to "forget?" Would you pick her up in the first place? How do you react when someone makes you really, really angry? Does that reaction change if it were me that made you angry? How would you react if my ex-fiancé called to invite me to his wedding? Present and Future How do you prefer to spend a long weekend? What do you do with your spare time? Where do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years? What are your goals for this life? What would you like to have accomplished before dying? Family Issues What would happen if I were unable to conceive children? How do you feel about children? Would you be willing to change a diaper at 3 a.m.? What is your view on disciplining children? Do you spank? Who do you believe should have the upper hand on discipline, the mother or father? Conflict Resolution If we were to experience differences that threatened our marriage, would you pursue the sunnah of marital arbitration? If yes, who would be your choice of arbitrators for each side (husband / wife)? What is your perception of the cultural belief that men "command" and women "obey"? Career If I really wanted to do it, would you be supportive of my return school…for my Ph.D.? How would we support ourselves if we both attended school? Do you think both partners should each take time from their careers to raise the children, or just the wife? Finances What would you do with our surplus income? How do you feel about relocating to a different state, or even out of the country, for work? What would you do if we became bankrupt? If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third (unsuccessful) attempt at a start-up business, would you give it to him? Would you consult me first? Would you buy me the car of my dreams, even if we could not afford it? |
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| Nomi |
| 05/08/03 at 11:40:54 |
| [slm] all, perfect!! this may or may not reduce the divorce rate but it'll surley result in more single Muslims!! n e wayz there are already many threads on marriage issues at the moment so i think i better not start another debate here. But has anyone ever heard of the KISS strategy !! K- keep I- It S- Simple . S- Stupid i didn't call n e one stupid so plz dont come hard on me, Peace :) lets post on other marriage threads if anyone want's to add something... just to Keep It Simple :) your brother in islaam. |
| 05/09/03 at 09:12:28 |
| Nomi |
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| gift |
| 05/09/03 at 05:46:13 |
| [slm] woah - hold on a second - this list is worse than job application forms :P of course it's important to find out as much as you can about a prospective husband/wife, but surely there are better (and less interrogative) ways to go about it ??? all this scenario needs is a dark room and a 1000 watt bulb shining into the guy's face :( |
| 05/09/03 at 05:50:21 |
| gift |
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| Kathy |
| 05/09/03 at 08:37:09 |
| ;)This Momma has got the light plugged in! The batteries charged, a single chair and blinds over the windowless room! |
| 05/12/03 at 10:03:49 |
| Kathy |
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| paula |
| 05/09/03 at 09:06:18 |
| [slm] [size=2][font=Verdana][color=Navy] :D Oh what is this world coming to ....... very funny stuff(smile) [quote] ;) This Momma has got the light plugged in! The batteries charged, a single chair and blinds over the winowless room! [/quote].... sounds like just the way to keep it ... lol [quote]i didn't call n e one stupid so plz dont come hard on me, Peace :) [/quote] .... I thought of a safer statement..... what do you think ?? K- Keep I- It S- Simple S- S I M P L E Ahh life & love ...... & marriage, a never ending topic... [quote]The List (Insert Scary Sci-Fi Music)[/quote] [quote]all this scenario needs is a dark room and a 1000 watt bulb shining into the guy's face [/quote] .... and scary at that !! [/color][/font][/size] [wlm] |
| 05/09/03 at 09:10:40 |
| paula |
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| se7en |
| 05/09/03 at 15:54:11 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, so wait.. you think the polygraph is too much ??? let me quickly summarize all 394330934 discussions we've had on this issue.. ;-) : do you *really* have to ask SO many questions ??? :-) : Yes. [end discussion] wasalaamu alaykum :-) |
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| jannah |
| 05/09/03 at 22:39:36 |
| [wlm] 7 that pretty much sums it up for me too.. :D i mean brothers have to be more tolerant.. you're practically putting your life in someone else's hands.. how can u be casual about it?? |
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| Dawn |
| 05/10/03 at 06:45:41 |
| [slm] [quote author=theOriginal link=board=sis;num=1052399929;start=0#0 date=05/08/03 at 10:18:49] Family Issues What would happen if I were unable to conceive children? How do you feel about children? [/quote] OK ladies, these questions got me thinking. Having been through the whole infertility gamut ourselves, it seems these questions only cover half the issue -- because it doesn't address the whole issue of male infertility. If the numbers given to us by our doctor are correct, in 40% of all cases, female infertility is the problem, in 40% of all cases, male infertility is the problem, and in the remaining 20%, both male and female infertility are to blame. So, perhaps one of the questions that could be added to "The List" would be something like, "What would you expect me to do if it were found out that you were infertile?" (This is a VERY delicate issue for most men, I know!!!!!!!!!!) And a question from "The Guy's List" (if one were to even exist ::)) that we should be prepared, as potential mothers-to-be, to answer would also be "What would happen if I am found to be infertile?" Down this same line, a while back there was a discussion (at the health club? ??? ) about whether a man would marry a woman who couldn't have children. But I think the question could also be asked the other way. Would we be willing to marry a guy who can't "father" children? Curious to hear what you all have to say on this! |
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| BroHanif |
| 05/10/03 at 13:52:10 |
| salaams, [quote]7 that pretty much sums it up for me too.. i mean brothers have to be more tolerant.. you're practically putting your life in someone else's hands.. how can u be casual about it?? [/quote] And how did you work that one out ?. If anything the brothers are going out of their way to care for sisters. Sisters need to be more understanding, tolerant and think that we men are not perfect. Bound to make mistakes, therefore sisters should listen attentively to us and ease our discomforts by being obedient wives. Salaams Hanif |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 05/10/03 at 18:00:13 |
| [slm] [quote]And how did you work that one out ?. If anything the brothers are going out of their way to care for sisters. Sisters need to be more understanding, tolerant and think that we men are not perfect. Bound to make mistakes, therefore sisters should listen attentively to us and ease our discomforts by being obedient wives. [/quote] She is talking about Before they get married, tho. Before she dont have to listen to him :) but actually the opposite if he wants to marry her :P jk :) |
| 05/15/03 at 15:38:03 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 05/10/03 at 18:04:08 |
| [slm] We really have to look at this way too. I mean the sahaba never used to do that. They would see how the character of the person is ect. Also relatives/parents are the ones that should be really asking. This kind of seems like a new madeup thing to me. [quote] Would we be willing to marry a guy who can't "father" children? [/quote] Thats really hard because I really want my own children, and that is not something that I can ask either... |
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| jannah |
| 05/11/03 at 01:31:10 |
| [slm] Ummm you're comparing the people of today to the Sahaba?? Remember they lived in close proximity to each other, grew up with each other and knew each other and each other's families and family lineage and histories very well. Today people are getting married as strangers with completely different backgrounds, cultures, thousands of miles apart. How are you to know this person's "character" without finding out? Your parents and relatives should be "in on it" too of course, but the decision still rests with you. As an aside.. was contemplating this poem recently: A Charm Invests a Face by Emily Dickinson A charm invests a face Imperfectly beheld. The lady dare not lift her veil For fear it be dispelled. But peers beyond her mesh, And wishes, and denies, 'Lest interview annul a want That image satisfies. One interp: [i] Dickinson did not title her poems. Because of this lack, her poems are often identified by their first lines. Thus, the poem considered here is known as "A Charm Invests a Face." This lyric's central concern seems to be the paradoxical demands that are placed upon women to, at once, reveal and conceal themselves. The protagonist's central dilemma is that she can only draw interest by being other than she is: therefore, she can never unveil herself to those she has drawn. As the poem continues many themes develop. * every thing is a sign: the distinction between signs and things is ambiguated. * all familiar things are under-appreciated: familiarity breeds perceptual atrophy. * a variation of Bishop Berkeley's "Esse est Percepi" functions socially: to be perceived is to be partially concealed. * Socially, women cannot be "themselves." Together these themes constitute an irony or antimony of understanding: that which we have, we miss, and that which we lose, we possess. [/i] |
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| se7en |
| 05/11/03 at 13:49:56 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, [quote]I mean the sahaba never used to do that. They would see how the character of the person is ect. Also relatives/parents are the ones that should be really asking. This kind of seems like a new madeup thing to me.[/quote] Actually, if you want to bring it back to the sahaba, there were women who came to Rasulullah [saw] and directly inquired about men who proposed to them. Fatima bint Qays went to the Prophet [saw] and asked his opinion of two men who proposed to her. He [saw] told her that one was extremely poor, and that the other one was accustomed to beating women. (which goes show.. you can never be too honest when someone asks you your opinion of someone in regards to marriage :P) I agree it is important to evaluate someone based on their character and behavior, but there is nothing wrong with asking questions to get a clearer picture of a person. [quote]Sisters need to be more understanding, tolerant and think that we men are not perfect. Bound to make mistakes, therefore sisters should listen attentively to us and ease our discomforts by being obedient wives. [/quote] You should take such questions to mean that a woman is intending to be a good and 'obedient' wife. If she wasn't, she'd just marry you without question and disagree and argue with you all the time :P Asking questions means a sister wants to be on the same wavelength as her husband, have the same goals and vision for the future, and live in harmony with him working to achieve these goals. Up until this point you are a complete *stranger* to this sister. She just wants to know who exactly she is spending the rest of her life with, granting imaraah to, who will be the father of her children. It's a bit of a scary thing and she just wants to make sure she's making the best decision. wasalaamu alaykum :-) |
| 05/11/03 at 13:51:50 |
| se7en |
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| muahmed |
| 05/11/03 at 14:32:35 |
| [slm] ;-) So now we (brothers) know what questions we will be asked ;D but you (sisters) don't know what questions we will ask! muhahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D |
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| AyeshaZ |
| 05/12/03 at 02:19:30 |
| [quote author=Muhammad Ahmed link=board=sis;num=1052399929;start=0#13 date=05/11/03 at 14:32:35] [slm] ;-) So now we (brothers) know what questions we will be asked ;D but you (sisters) don't know what questions we will ask! muhahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D [/quote] yeahh okkkayyy ::) :P |
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| theOriginal |
| 05/12/03 at 04:50:05 |
| [slm] Yeah really, what would be the point of asking all this after marriage. You might as well be clear on these issues from before. I find the first question to be oh-so effective. The Sunnah prayers of FAJR...that would say a lot. Plus I think, I would like to ask these questions just so I can see how well the guy handles pressure. After all, that's what interviews are about. :D Wasalaam. |
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| eleanor |
| 05/12/03 at 05:45:55 |
| [slm] BroHanif I really hope you were joking or at least had your tongue in your cheek while writing that :P |
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| Barr |
| 05/12/03 at 09:59:57 |
| [slm] [color=red][size=2] The List - Madina Wrestler's Version 2.2 [/color][/size] [i]Jeng Jeng Jeng![/i] So sista... how many miles can U run? [img]http://www.jp3d.net/yahoo/images/new/33.gif[/img] Wot? U CAN grow a beard? :o (After the inital shock) errr...Any tips to make it neat? [img]http://www.jp3d.net/yahoo/images/new/54.gif[/img] Wot do you mean you're not meek? [img]http://www.jp3d.net/yahoo/images/new/58.gif[/img] How come you can count faster than me? [img]http://www.jp3d.net/yahoo/images/new/22.gif[/img] Bhaloo-inspired question>>>U can drive? ? ? *please say no, please say no, please say no* [img]http://www.jp3d.net/yahoo/images/new/51.gif[/img] [move] :-* :-* :-*Another Public Education Effort by the Worldwide Sisters Network:-* :-* :-* :-*[/move] |
| 05/12/03 at 10:04:07 |
| Barr |
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| BroHanif |
| 05/12/03 at 20:21:46 |
| Salaams, Ok here it goes but I'm surprised by Sis Barr, [quote]Wot? U CAN grow a beard? [/quote] sigh, I thought she knew me better! alas, how unfortunate. Anyway here's my attempt to answering your posts again. First the questions some of them are completely out of context, for a start some of them are absolutely ridiculous if not lame. As follows: Would you be willing to change a diaper at 3 a.m.? Question shows the woman's unwillingness to appreciate that a man has a responsibility to a child as well. Is someone really going to say no ? Only a numskull would. You see a good-looking woman hitchhiking on the side of a deserted road, and you pick her up and drop her off at a gas station, as she has requested. Would you tell me about it or choose to "forget?" Would you pick her up in the first place? Question shows that the potential partner has already brought up someone else to damage the relationship before even marriage. For a start if the woman is questioning about other women's beauty then she herself has low self esteem and confidence. More questions.... What would you do if we became bankrupt? If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third (unsuccessful) attempt at a start-up business, would you give it to him? Would you consult me first? Absolute third class questions that if a sister was asking me it would show to me that she was extremely poor in communicating and understanding me after a while. I mean the one about borrowing money if its a third time then I'm not going to consult my wife ? What a lame duck question. Yet the classic of all classics is Would you buy me the car of my dreams, even if we could not afford it? This would show me that the sister is a materialistic witch, has no considerations about anyone but herself,out to get my money whether I sell my kidneys in the process or whether I work 23 hours day. Are these questions really worthwhile ? to me they are not. Yet as I said earlier, bros make mistakes and so do sisters. Bros have a tougher time as they are THE MAN of the house. They are the ones who need to provide a roof over the head and bring in food and everyday essentials. Your right Sis 7, ask questions but seriously once you get married and have kids your whole world changes. Trust me, I know. And what would be valid questions ? They need to be well thought out, realistic and achievable. What is the point of asking questions that are out of this world ? I've heard some bros mentioning it to me that during their interrogation some of the questions fired by sisters are nothing but short of logic. Its a scary time for brothers as well, as they are committing themselves to someone that they do not know. Gone are the days of thinking just for yourself but now you need to think for another person, its not easy but quite hard. As for wives being obedient then that should be in line with the relationship and nothing else. I think its harder for a guy being in a relationship as more duties are for him than wifey, therefore bros are going to make more mistakes. The strain is going to be on brothers more that's why if the wives could be listening and comforting rather than being demanding you would achieve a lot more together from the relationship. As it has been said by the prophet [saw] He exhorted men to marry women of piety and women to be faithful to their husbands and kind to their children. He said: "Among my followers the best of men are those who are best to their wives, and the best of women are those who are best to their husbands. To each of such women is set down a reward equivalent to the reward of a thousand martyrs. Among my followers, again, the best of women are those who assist their husbands in their work, and love them dearly for everything, save what is a transgression of Allah's laws." Anyway that's me done, Salaams Hanif |
| 05/12/03 at 20:32:13 |
| BroHanif |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 05/12/03 at 20:52:48 |
| [slm] Really I dont know about anyone else but your post made lots of sense to me and I really learned somthing. We should ask a few logical questions that are str8 to the point. I think it was sister Barr who said that once you reflect on whats important to you, the list gets pretty small. Does this man know the duties of a husband/wife, is he marrying you for the sake of Allah, and does he want a wife so they can both improve in deen and have the goal of paradise? MOst of all does he fear Allah(swt)? If this is all yes then why waste time with materialistic questions. Your whole post was very thought provoking, Uncle Hanif...and something that I think us girls should know. Jazak Allahu Kair ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [quote]Actually, if you want to bring it back to the sahaba, there were women who came to Rasulullah and directly inquired about men who proposed to them. Fatima bint Qays went to the Prophet and asked his opinion of two men who proposed to her. He told her that one was extremely poor, and that the other one was accustomed to beating women. (which goes show.. you can never be too honest when someone asks you your opinion of someone in regards to marriage ) [/quote] 7 I thought the woman who directly inquired were the ones who had been married before? ~~~~~ I like the Keep It Simple Sammy method but As Jannah said "you're practically putting your life in someone else's hands" and really its not that eazy. Brothers have to understand that we are reallly nervous and since they will be the 'man of the house' we have to know that we are in the right hands. IF you really notice many woman suffer because of their husbands. And I truly dont see it as much vice versa. On the other hand as Uncle Hanif said its also not eazy for the man so I think best is to Keep It Short, Simple, do Istikara and trust Allah (swt). |
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| paula |
| 05/13/03 at 03:59:37 |
| [slm][size=2][font=Book Antiqua][color=Navy] Although there are various points on a topic such as this, there is one point that I thought was worth highlighting, without getting into too much controversy.. Insha Allah: In a larger context of this whole debate. If you think about it, every brother here that has seriously expressed to the sisters that interrogation efforts are possibly not the right approach for bliss(on all the marriage threads). Has also done one other thing(accross the board). Each & every one of them in their own right & by their individual means have made very strong statements to our fellow brothers of Faith, that they are falling short in their responsibilities & should buck up and be the men of this World that Allah(swt) has requested of them. That the title of Muslim is not merely a statement left at that, it is an action following their sincere declaration of Faith. Think about that one a little bit. Controversy is not the area I was wishing to pursue, & as the truly humanistic on this site I am far from having the answers… Allahu Alam. I did however wish to bring to light the character & expression in a whole of our brothers of Madina and there tone. I’m hearing all to often them saying we, as women need to stay true to our faith, true to Allah (swt) first & foremost.(especially on topics entailing fear) I hear these same brothers saying the same thing to our respective brothers as well... Subhan Allah Do questions like these ones outlined let us know if a brother is truly Muslim? Truly Muslim according to what terms? And what has Allah(swt) himself legislated for us as women. In all sincerity I do believe we need to be very careful. It’s not over until it is over… & Shaytans character & ploy is deception. Our only defense is true submission….. Insha Allah May Allah(swt) hold us all close & may he not allow any of us to stray too far from his truth… Ameen Again.. I'm personally very thankful we have this forum with support & encouragement from brothers & sisters alike while seeking Allah(swt) & his Acceptace.... I'm so thankful we can discuss & contemplate on a whole as brothers & sisters alike across this globe... Jazak Allahu Khairan to [u]everyone[/u] here. [hr] I thought to share a few reminders from our Beloved Prophet Muhammad’s final sermon: [list] [*]Beware of Satan, for the safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of following him in small things. [*]O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste. [*]O People, listen to me in earnest, worship Allah, say your five daily prayers, fast during the month of Ramadhan, and give your wealth in Zakat. Perform Hajj if you can afford to. [*]All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly. Be my witness, O Allah, that I have conveyed Your message to Your people. [/list] [/color][/font][/size][wlm] |
| 05/13/03 at 22:26:46 |
| paula |
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| theOriginal |
| 05/13/03 at 04:40:32 |
| [slm] I personally think it's all about how the questions are asked and answered... In response to Uncle Hanif... for example, you said: [quote]Would you buy me the car of my dreams, even if we could not afford it? This would show me that the sister is a materialistic witch, has no considerations about anyone but herself,out to get my money whether I sell my kidneys in the process or whether I work 23 hours day. Are these questions really worthwhile ? to me they are not. [/quote] Personally, if I ever asked ANYONE that question, it would be to see how much of the brain he/she uses. If in the case of a proposal scenario, a guy even attempted to answer that question in the affirmative, I'd pretty much give him a "hey, thanks for coming, man...better luck next time, yeah?"... It's all about HOW he answers it. Now the message I'd be looking for is "that's the dumbest question i've heard in my life."....but of course he'd have to say it in a nicer way...something witty. But if he has no sense of humor (let's face it, some people don't)...then something to the effect of "wow...that's an interesting question, and i'm confused as to why it might be relevant.." I think asking questions is really REALLY important. Yes, maybe bros have a hard time, but let's face it, guys have less to lose. Furthermore, guys are less insecure. Questions like these, if answered properly, could build the girl's level of security prior to entering into a marriage commitment. Personally, I'm confused as to why there might be an issue with this...but thaz juss me. Wasalaam. SF. |
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| muahmed |
| 05/13/03 at 14:37:40 |
| [slm] ;-) The only question I would ask is ;): How u doinn? ;D ;D ;D |
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| Nomi |
| 05/13/03 at 16:40:47 |
| [slm] all... thumbs up for Uncle Hanif :) [quote] It's all about HOW he answers it. Now the message I'd be looking for is "that's the dumbest question i've heard in my life."....but of course he'd have to say it in a nicer way...something witty. But if he has no sense of humor (let's face it, some people don't)...then something to the effect of "wow...that's an interesting question, and i'm confused as to why it might be relevant.." [/quote] hm... lets see... If sisters/brothers look for how well the other person is answering their irrelevant questions then dont u think that in the process the person being interviewed would judge you by your questions and reject you by the dumbness of them !!!! so as Uncle Hanif (can i call you brother Hanif :).. i'm 23 ;) ) said, only ask relevant questions, it goes for you, sisters and us brothers as well K Keep I It S Simple . . S Sister :) and ofcourse brothers too and as sister silverose said [quote] so I think best is to Keep It Short, Simple, do Istikara and trust Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala). [/quote] that would be perfect :) peace to all Asim Zafar |
| 05/13/03 at 16:45:34 |
| Nomi |
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| strivinsista_1 |
| 05/13/03 at 22:13:13 |
| Working Ironing Ffood Entertainment LADIES GUYS ARE EXPECTING THAT : ) |
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| EMILY |
| 05/14/03 at 00:14:40 |
| I think it was a good guide but you don't have to use those questions, some of us have different sistuations. RE-VERT SINGLE MOM THREE KIDS WORKING FULL TIME Any offers? hahhahahahaha |
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| SuperHiMY |
| 05/15/03 at 10:40:04 |
| . AsalamAlayKum Sisters and Brothers and Bhaloo... Me being an IslamBanker.... . . . ahem . . . My question would be . . . . . . . Drumroll puh-lease . . . .. .... . .......... ......... ... .......... . . . .... [i]Will you enter into a mutually exclusive bilateral exchange of goods and services till death do us part?[/i] |
| 05/15/03 at 10:42:56 |
| SuperHiMY |
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| mr-bean |
| 05/15/03 at 11:28:00 |
| [slm] [color=blue] [i] this is a kind of a harsh post. it is not meant to offend and not meant towards any particular people....so please don't be offended [/i] [/color] I cannot for the life of me understand why guys would resent lots of questions from prospective sisters. I mean don't these people have sisters themselves? Don't they realize how much incredible uncertainty a girl faces when she gets married? Don't they realize that a guy can just dump a girl and then easily get married again? Whereas a girl once dumped will always be faced with the stigma of the label "divorcee" and that it will be exponentially more difficult for her to get married again!?? Why guys cannot appreciate these facts is simply unfathomable to me. There is so much uncertainty involved, its like tying yourself to galloping horse and simply trusting in Allah that everything will be alright --that you won't get hurt. I mean, for example, haven't people seen how the girl's mom and dad and sisters start crying when the girl is finally being taken away to the groom's house after the wedding? Why do they do that? Although I am rather ashamed to admit it, even I was a bit teary eyed when my sister cousin got married in December. (No I am not a pansy....) This whole marriage business is so asymmetrical in how it affects the two parties if things go wrong that you have to indulge sisters with their six million questions...... Why isn't this obvious to guys? I am a pretty guyish guy and they are blatantly obvious to me. You don't have to be some weak kneed pansy or feminist or in touch with your feminine side (ew sick...) as some like to say nowadays (e.g. David Beckam).....lol... to understand these things. |
| 05/15/03 at 16:01:15 |
| mr-bean |
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| Barr |
| 05/15/03 at 12:56:31 |
| Assalamu'alaikum :-) If anyone's interested to re-visit another thread, quite similar to this present discussion, inshaAllah :) http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1044512907 |
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| Chris |
| 05/15/03 at 15:06:44 |
| Well, I've been a muslim for six days so i'm hardly qualified to comment on this in an islamic way, but that never stopped anyone else :D My own thoughts on the matter are simple. The couple should be placed together in a room where they can have an intimente chat and cover all those topics. (get your minds out of the gutter :D) i did not mean THAT sort of 'intimancy'. Speaking for myself, I could not respect anyone who did not stand up to me and have questions to ask. And now, the answers..... Do you perform the sunnah prayers of fajr? I TRY What Islamic organizations are you involved with? SEVERAL GROUPS IN M'CHERSTER How much dawa work do you do? NONE, I'VE JUST STARTED How much Qur`an have you memorized? NOT MUCH IN ENGLISH How much can you teach me? ABOUT ISLAM, NOT MUCH Personal Issues (Sensitive Situations) My friend, of whom you don’t approve, knocks on our door and says she has left her husband. Do you call her mother or do you let her stay for as long as she needs? LET HER STAY AND AVIOD HER IF POSSIBLE You see a good-looking woman hitchhiking on the side of a deserted road, and you pick her up and drop her off at a gas station, as she has requested. Would you tell me about it or choose to "forget?" Would you pick her up in the first place? TELL YOU, I'D PICK HER UP COS IF I READ IN DA PAPER ABOUT HER BEING RAPED AND MURDERED I'D NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF How do you react when someone makes you really, really angry? Does that reaction change if it were me that made you angry? GET ALL COLD, THEN TRY TO MAKE UP How would you react if my ex-fiancé called to invite me to his wedding? Present and Future GO WITH YOU IF YOU WANTED TO GO How do you prefer to spend a long weekend? CURLED UP IN BED WITH YOU. FAILING THAT, WITH A GOOD BOOK What do you do with your spare time? READ, LEARN, WRITE Where do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years? LIBRIAIN IN A SCHOOL LIBRARY What are your goals for this life? TO DO GOOD BY OTHERS What would you like to have accomplished before dying? MADE A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLES LIVES Family Issues What would happen if I were unable to conceive children? ADOPT How do you feel about children? LIKE THEM Would you be willing to change a diaper at 3 a.m.? YES What is your view on disciplining children? TEACH THEM WHY WHAT THEY DID WAS WRONG Do you spank? AS A FINAL RESORT Who do you believe should have the upper hand on discipline, the mother or father? BOTH Conflict Resolution If we were to experience differences that threatened our marriage, would you pursue the sunnah of marital arbitration? I'D WANT TO TALK IT THROUGH WITH YOU FIRST If yes, who would be your choice of arbitrators for each side (husband / wife)? CLOSE FRIENDS What is your perception of the cultural belief that men "command" and women "obey"? BULL**** Career If I really wanted to do it, would you be supportive of my return school…for my Ph.D.? YES How would we support ourselves if we both attended school? WITH DIFFICULTY. IT WOULD NEED TO BE CAREFULLY PLANNED Do you think both partners should each take time from their careers to raise the children, or just the wife? BOTH PARTNERS Finances What would you do with our surplus income? SAVE, APART FROM THE ZACAT How do you feel about relocating to a different state, or even out of the country, for work? I WOULD BE UNHAPPY What would you do if we became bankrupt? ASK MY PARENTS TO LOOK AFTER THE KIDS AND WE WOULD BOTH LOOK FOR JOBS If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third (unsuccessful) attempt at a start-up business, would you give it to him? NO Would you consult me first? YES Would you buy me the car of my dreams, even if we could not afford it? NO Any sisters interested ;) |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 05/15/03 at 16:13:41 |
| [slm] hey chris alhumdulilah and congrats on becoming muslim. Ur answers really made me smile, and I take it ur from the uk? That's manchester that u wrote right? Mr bean, your post was really cool. However, I guess marriage is a scary, nerve-wracking thing for both guys and girls. Although I agree with something in everyone's posts, I'm going to refrain from writing my own comment ;) [wlm] |
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| Nomi |
| 05/15/03 at 16:57:15 |
| [slm] all, Mr. bean sir :)... i do agree with you on this ... so it all comes down to us guys, right? i mean we should respect their right to ask =>ALL<= sorts of Qs? .... erm.. okay agreed :) unless someone else proves it wrong e.g. Uncle Hanif :) .. may be Your brother in islaam Asim Zafar :) |
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| se7en |
| 05/16/03 at 02:57:11 |
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, [quote]Your right Sis 7, ask questions but seriously once you get married and have kids your whole world changes. Trust me, I know. And what would be valid questions ? They need to be well thought out, realistic and achievable. What is the point of asking questions that are out of this world ? I've heard some bros mentioning it to me that during their interrogation some of the questions fired by sisters are nothing but short of logic. [/quote] Bro Hanif, I do agree with you on random/weird questions. I just think there is a lot of benefit in asking relevant, specific questions that lets you know what this other person is about, in terms of their character and level of deen. (and this applies to both brothers and sisters). [quote]7 I thought the woman who directly inquired were the ones who had been married before? [/quote] Sis silverrose, I'm sorry, I'm a bit slow.. I don't quite catch the significance.. can you explain this further please? Jazaki Allahu khayran :) wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah :-) |
| 05/16/03 at 03:26:29 |
| se7en |
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| lala |
| 05/16/03 at 10:02:41 |
| [slm] Ask what you feel you need to know.. and ask as many times as you want to. You need to be sure about a brother before you go off and marry the boy. Afterall, you onnnnnnnnly have to live with them in the same space and share bathrooms, closets, utensils, cars...and maybe even do one anothers' laundry..... :P |
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| EMILY |
| 05/17/03 at 13:26:12 |
| Asalaamu Alykum, Bro. Chris Mubark on becomming Muslim!!! :-* I think you will Insha Allah get a lot of responses, you had really good answers. Know what kind of questions would you ask ??? Take care and may ALLAH bless you. Masalaama |
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| Aabidah |
| 05/17/03 at 17:51:45 |
| [slm] Feels like a century since the last time I posted on the board, subhanAllah...but hey, feels good to be back :-* I see you guys have been busy, talking about marriage *again*. so 7, how many threads on marriage now? ??? have we passed the 100-marker ;) mabrook to brother chris for taking the shahada. may Allah keep you and us guided on the straight path and illuminate our hearts with the light of this deen, ameen. I dont think I can add anything, as everyone has covered what needs to be said. It seems that in half the posts the brothers are attacked, why is that? Sisters, dont raid me later as to why I defended the brothers ok? :-X Marriage is a very big commitment that is made between the wife and husband. It's awesome to ask questions of the brother, alhamdulillah it gives a leeway of trying to see who he is/what he's like etc. But we also have to remember to ask necessary questions. Questions that are most important to us, and I think it was mentioned earlier that the more we think about it, the shorter the list gets. With marriage, the wife and husband complete half their deen. Remembering that and the purpose of marriage, the questions should focus primarily on the deen of the brother, his akhlaq, personality and character. I'm not saying that other questions are not important, such as finance, family, or others. They are, but the sister will be choosing the husband not only for dunya but also for akhirah. Something else that should be helpful is the research done by the family. There were certain questions in "The List" that can also be asked by the family of the sister. Most importantly, sisters need to put their trust in Allah. Alhamdulillah, they already do, but we need to put all of our trust in Allahu subhanahu wata'ala. Do what you can and then leave it up to Allah, and inshaAllah He will provide the ease, strength and patience when going through the decision process. This is not only true for sisters, but also for brothers. See sisters, i'm on your side too :-* We all have to take the necessary steps that we feel are important and are necessary. Sometimes, the questions posted by others are helpful, but the questions that are asked comes down to the different circumstances and situations of the brothers and sisters. I ask Allah first and then everyone here to forgive me if I have said anything wrong. If I have said anything right, it is by the Blessing of Allah. [wlm] Betul |
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| Rameeza |
| 05/23/03 at 12:46:27 |
| [slm] Another good topic to discuss during this time is his views on other communities and races. It should not be in the form of a question. Start is as a light conversation. Tells you if he is openminded, fair, just, racially sensitive etc etc. I tried it recntly and the results were quite shocking. Most people who pass this HAVE to be pretty cool, I think. |
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| A_Stranger |
| 05/23/03 at 17:59:07 |
| [center]The List: Re-loaded[/center] Note: Next time you encounter a potential spouse, just whip this out and start your cross-examination. If one of you doesn't kill the other by the time you reach 100, start working out contract details. [u]100 Premarital Questions[/u] 1) What is your concept of marriage? 2) Have you been married before? 3) Are you married now? 4) What are you expectations of marriage? 5) What are your goals in life? (long and short term) 6) Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future. 7) Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term. 8) Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse? 9) What is the role of religion in your life now? 10) Are you a spiritual person? 11) What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage? 12) What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously? 13) What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area? 14) Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities? 15) What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually? 16) What is the role of the husband? 17) What is the role of the wife? 18) Do you want to practice polygamy? 19) What is your relationship with your family? 20) What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be? 21) What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be? 22) Is there anyone in your family living with you now? 23) Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future? 24) If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done? 25) Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.) 26) How did you get to know them? 27) Why are they your friends? 28) What do you like most about them? 29) What will your relationship with them after marriage be? 30) Do you have friends of the opposite sex? 31) What is the level of your relationship with them now? 32) What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage? 33) What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends? 34) What are the things that you do in your free time? 35) Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment? 36) What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house? 37) What is your opinion of speaking other languages inhome that I do not understand? (with friends or family) 38) Do you travel? 39) How do you spend your vacations? 40) How do you think your spouse should spend vacations? 41) Do you read? 42) What do you read? 43) After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally? 44) After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public? 45) How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now? 46) How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you? 47) Do you like to write your feelings? 48) If you wrong someone, how do you apologize? 49) If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you? 50) How much time passes before you can forgive someone? 51) How do you make important and less important decisions in your life? 52) Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family? 53) Do your friends use foul language? 54) Does your family use foul language? 55) How do you express anger? 56) How do you expect your spouse to express anger? 57) What do you do when you are angry? 58) When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage? 59) When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved? 60) Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. 61) What would you do if you felt that you had been abused? 62) Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused? 63) Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition? 64) Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage? 65) What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition? 66) How do you support your own health and nutrition? 67) What is you definition of wealth? 68) How do you spend money? 69) How do you save money? 70) How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage? 71) Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them? 72) Do you use credit cards? 73) Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home? 74) What are you expecting from your spouse financially? 75) What is your financial responsibility in the marriage? 76) Do you support the idea of a working wife? 77) If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds? 78) Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances? 79) Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible? 80) Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids? 81) Do you want to have children? If not, how come? 82) To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children? 83) Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when? 84) Do you believe in abortion? 85) Do you have children now? 86) What is your relationship with your children now? 87) What is your relationship with their other parent? 88) What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent? 89) What is the best method(s) of raising children? 90) What is the best method(s) of disciplining children? 91) How were you raised? 92) How were you disciplined? 93) Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances? 94) Do you believe in public school for your children? 95) Do you believe in Islamic school for your children? 96) Do you believe in home schooling for your children? 97) What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends? 98) Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country? 99) What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents? 100) If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them? |
| NS |
| 05/23/03 at 17:59:36 |
| A_Stranger |
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| Chris |
| 05/23/03 at 18:25:34 |
| Would u like me to answer them again? ;) More seriouysly, I would not be too happy to have such an interrogation conducted on me, so I would like any potentail sprouse to answer the questions as well. Chris |
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| Chris |
| 05/31/03 at 16:37:38 |
| Anouther question: "Would I be ur first sexual partner?" It does happen Chris |
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| Nabila |
| 06/01/03 at 13:08:14 |
| [slm] Can you ask that? I wouldn't be offended exactly if someone asked me that -- just *very tempted to make 'witty' remarks about my 'chequered' past :D Will anyone ever ask those hundred questions? I guess it could save you time: Just have a few desks arranged outside the drawing room, give each suitor the list and give him 100 minutes to answer the questions. Then you can go over them at your leisure. Save you the hassle of actual interaction. You could even charge a joining fee and have a nice dinner while they're at it [] But I always think, if you wanna dish it out, you should be able to take it ;) ma asalaamah and take care |
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