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Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?

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Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
mr-bean
05/15/03 at 17:13:32
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OK another one of my idiotic hypotheticals:

It was explained to me a long time ago that one can lie to:  (1) mend relations between muslims; (2) in a marital relationship.

Now the second one really shocked me, and it is called tauriya.  It was explained to me  it is only for very minor things and to prevent things from becoming too "heated."  The example I was given was: a guy can buy his wife a dress for  $50, and then add an extra zero on the price tag so that the price tag now reads: $500.

I have been told that such little lies are a part of being like....married....
Being a bit niave, this is very difficult for me to understand.....but at least I can give you a Marshall Faulk quote

"We argued about money. We told lies to each other. I felt we needed it," Faulk told the jury. "We had issues."

(BTW: marshall faulk is a superstar running back for the St Louis Rams)

So I was wondering whether people wiser than Marshall Faulk on this board can explain to me how this halal? form of lying works and whether they do it sometimes themselves, and how they do it?

Gosh...i am nosy...aren't I?    ;D
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
deenb4dunya
05/15/03 at 17:18:02
Allaahu 'Alam.. but the first thing you need to do is find the hadith and make sure it is authentic.

Wassalamu Alaikum

Deen :-)
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
a_Silver_Rose
05/15/03 at 18:22:48
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[i]Sahih Muslim
Book 032, Number 6303:  
Humaid b. 'Abd al-Rahman b. 'Auf reported that his mother Umm Kulthum  
daughter of 'Uqba b. Abu Mu'ait, and she was one amongst the first  
emigrants who pledged allegiance to Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him),
as saying that she heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as  
saying: A liar is not one who tries to bring reconciliation amongst  
people and speaks good (in order to avert dispute), or he conveys good.
Ibn  
Shihab said he did not hear that exemption was granted in anything what
the people speak as lie but in three cases: in battle, for bringing  
reconciliation amongst persons and the narration of the words of the  
husband to his wife, and the narration of the words of a wife to her husband  
(in a twisted form in order to bring reconciliation between them).


[/i]

Personally I think it is sad if the husband would have to lie about the price because a wife should be happy with what her husband can afford. Just the fact that he is giving out of love is so nice. ANd if he is 'lying' out of love then whats wrong with that. And another thing, when you ususally give someone a gift you take the price tag off ::)

05/30/03 at 15:52:49
a_Silver_Rose
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
a_Silver_Rose
05/30/03 at 00:04:09
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I just wanted to give (what I think) is a  good example on 'lying' to your spouse.
AFter marriage the husband or wife may fall in love with each other. (one may realize it before the other, and some may never realize it) If your spouse tells you that they love you, not just that but they are inlove with you and you dont feel the same, lie! This is not lying it  just brings good and is healthy for your realtionship. This is the person that you have made the intention to spend the rest of your life with, this is the person you want to be in love with!
Somtimes when we say things (that at first we dont feel or arent true), we eventually start believeing and feeling it. In psychology I learned that if you are sad but you force yourself to smile (cause of the smile muscles) you eventually actually become happy just because of that! I think this is the same thing.
I know a couple where the wife kept telling her husband that she loves him, but he never told her (because he didnt 'feel' it, maybe)  (which hurt her very much) Anway this (but not the only thing) eventually destroyed their relationship. I mean what harm could it have caused if he just lied and said he loved her too? We have been so brainswashed that we should be very honest on how we feel (Even if its a bad thing and may cause more harm than good). This is not for everything, there are many things in which we should be honest with our spouse about (altho it may cause a lil harm temporarily) but in the long run might bring more good and cause happiness for each other. Alhumdulilah Islam gives us light so we can protect the relationship among people in order to bring love and avoid disputes especially between a husband and wife.
05/30/03 at 15:53:45
a_Silver_Rose
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
eleanor
05/30/03 at 06:19:36
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Well I was a little bit shocked by your example - if that was the case in my marriage then my husband would have to take a 0 *off* the price tag or I would go mad that he spent so much money on me  :o
I remember once he bought me earrings. I was like "why?"  ??? and he was like "just because.."  :-* Then he made the fatal mistake of telling me they had cost 300 dollars or something equivalent. Well I just started crying and said "you can't go spending all that money on me 'just because'.." and my poor husband was like  ???  and I was like  :'(

but I digress....

I think little lies are okay in marriage, but often as not, when I find out my husband lied then I am really mad  >:(
But little things like I have a headache and I know hubby will be worried and agitated if I am not feeling well so I am like "no-no I am fine really...really ... REALLY". Even last year I was in hospital and I was pretending like I was fine to stop him worrying....

Remember my favourite hadith "Actions are judged by intentions..."
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
nouha
05/30/03 at 12:21:06
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i disagree with silverose... id rather have my husband tell me he dont liek me then continue the relationship that way im better off finding someone else whos worth my time, effort and love .....

i dont know but this is just the way i see things.... their should be love in a marriage not lies... it wont always work out that if u say u love them when u dont..that eventually they will love you... it seems like its love out of pity...Allahu ALim.. it depends on the person

wasalam
nouha:)
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
a_Silver_Rose
05/30/03 at 15:51:50
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Im not talking about loving someone. Im taking about fallin in love. you dont have to be 'in love' with your spouse to have a happy marriage. And Islamically just because you dont love the person it is not excuse to break the marriage (have read that in a fatwah). you have to make the effort in  your marriage. Its different  if you cant simply stand the person. my teacher once told us that the hindus told him 'we dont marry the person we love, we love the person we marry' wow I think that is a very Islamic value mash'Allah. woh I didnt say that he didnt like his wife..I said he just didnt feel like he was 'in love ' with her yet.... thats all. And that hurt her.
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
Caraj
05/30/03 at 20:05:15
I guess I am guilty of lying to my spouse.   :(

I think little surprize type lies and not wanting someone to worry type
might be ok. But as for major stuff, that is a no-no   :(

My husband is away and I don't want to worry him. I have been real
sick and running a  fever. After a week of this I finally went to the
doctors today and got an antibiotic. But I think I am semi-busted
cause the last two days he called I couldn't stop coughing and he
said i sounded like a frog    :P But he has no idea of a fever, shortness
of breath, claminess and more. I just don't want him to worry. he cannot do anything about it from thousands of miles away.

He also has no idea I have been working 15 plus hours a day (except this week) at my business so when he comes home I can surprize him and we
will be 100% debt free.   :) he has no idea what is in our savings account. I want him to be surprized and shoked. Not that it is anything great, but when he left we had no savings at all   :(

He also doesn't know that (except for this week) I have been working out and will be like
3 sizes smaller when he gets home.    :-/ When he asks what I am doing or where I been I just say, out with friends, I don't tell him I was at the gym with a few other wives  ;D

So those kind of little fibs I think are ok.
But before we married I told him everything I could think of that I ever possibly did wrong so nothing in our future could come up and bite me.
I would tell him something and he always had the same answer...
"You're not going to get rid of me that easy"  
05/30/03 at 20:44:27
Caraj
Re: Do you lie (tauriya) to your spouse?
UmmWafi
05/31/03 at 06:23:57
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You mean to tell me this thing my husband and I have been doing for the past 11 years is called lying ? Heh heh....  :-/  We call it truth makeover  8)

Some examples :

Him : Dear, do you think this toy I bought for the kids is old-fashioned ?(for heavens sake, it was a toy I played with when I was young)
Me : No dear, its educational.

Me : Yikes, I missed something out.  This dish taste awful.
Him : No dear, it tastes alright to me (but he didn't take second helpings I noticed)

Classic

Me : Dear, I am so fat that you must be embarrassed walking with me
Him : No dear, you are not fat.  You are just voluptuous. :-*

Calling them lies are so unnecessary lol.

Wassalam


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