A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| What's wrong with me? |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/24/03 at 11:37:25 |
| AOA, This is a question to all the brothers out there. I had been receiving proposals for almost 5 years now, and it seems to me that the only brothers that accept me are the ones who need the green card. If they have their permanent residency then they reject me. I am a college graduate, average beauty, slightly full figured (not obese, but not a model size either), religious, and most people say I have a good personality alhamdullah. I am not saying all these things to make myself look good, but I want to know what is wrong with me? Why do guys seem to want the absolutely beautiful girls, when they themselves are not all that? I know this is going to sound stupid, but I cried myself to sleep a few days ago after a guy who came to propose actually picked his nose while we were talking (he rejected me by the way). It is as though he knew he was going to reject, and therefore it's ok for him to act like I do not exist...... |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| chiq |
| 05/24/03 at 12:28:07 |
| [slm] Ohh honey :'( Not too good with words - will leave my wiser brs/srs to give real comfort/specific advice... Me I'll just say this... I get proposals right? Things go well, everything seems nice and set...then brs suddenly get fed up of talking to me I guess - which the proposal stunt provided a neat excuse to do...(happens at an advanced stage as well...when they know things about me that the average bro wouldn't) and they don't just disappear - they do it with "style"... Had someone play me properly not very long ago - prank phone calls etc :( It does kinda make you feel - what did I [i]do[/i]? Then I met this really sweet sis...became friends later...who's had [i]worse[/i] for around 8-10 yrs... She's really smart, mature, tall and slim...but she has some kind of illness that left one side of her face disfigured. It doesn't interfere with her normal functioning, it just makes her "ugly" in worldly eyes, though I think she's beautiful... And still she's trying, still she's hoping, poor hun. It's harder for her 'cause she's got no mahrams to help her out - just mom and srs. What I'm trying to say is - she's still hoping, right? Same goes for me, and many other srs in similar situations...you'll find the one for you, inshallah - if not now then in Jannah. 5 yrs of suffering is pretty short when set against a lifetime, and a lifetime of suffering's pretty short when set against an eternity of bliss... Just work on getting it, that's all. Leave the rest to [i]Him[/i] - He's pretty nice :) My duas go out to you sis. [wlm] |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| SisterHania |
| 05/24/03 at 16:54:34 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=sis;num=1053787330;start=0#0 date=05/24/03 at 11:37:25] after a guy who came to propose actually picked his nose while we were talking (he rejected me by the way). [/quote] [slm] By the sounds of this guy I think you had a lucky escape. I guess it hurts because of the rejection but considering the meeting only lasted a few hours he has no idea of the true you or how great you really are. It's his loss. Unfortunately I think many of these guys are probably put off by girls who are religous since they don't place religion on the top of their list. The only thing they seem to look for is physical beauty rather than eman - if this were the case then you had a very lucky escape again!!! Hey if he wants a girl with great looks and a bad temper than good luck to him :-* Only Allah knows the diffculty you are going through and he knows when you will meet the right person. It may seem frustrating that you are getting rejections but these rejections could be Allah's way of protecting you from that which is not good for you or your faith. If you don't marry until you are 40 then there is nothing you can do about it, since its Allah's will. I know a sister who was looking for a husband for many years but to no avail. Then last year at 35 she married and is now expecting her first child and is very happy Alhamdulliah :) I guess what I would advice is don't waste time sitting and waiting for a husband. Instead use your time to improve your situation and become independant, so you do not need to rely on anyone except Allah. Find a good job, or do a postgrad course, save money to buy your own house, car etc. As long as you can support yourself. |
| 05/24/03 at 16:56:14 |
| SisterHania |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Yasmeena |
| 05/26/03 at 00:06:40 |
| I'm not a brother but I agree with SisterHania. If brothers pass you by it is their loss. A sister with strong faith make the best wives and mothers. They are the ones who can raise children so that they have a strong faith and good morals so to not bend to peer pressure as they grow older! Brothers who only marry a sister because she is beautiful may have a few surprises as time goes by. My birth sister had a figure like a model when she was younger. She has been married for 20 years and is over 300 pounds now! I wonder if my brother-in-law had planned on a "whale size woman" when they got married? I love my sister but facts are facts. Yasmeena |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Lil_Sista |
| 05/26/03 at 02:21:48 |
| [slm] ::) ugh....these kind of brothers really irk me.i mean,how could they judge us sisters based on physical appearance,shape of body? they dont show any respect on this matter.we,women,are more than a bunch of flesh >:(we have our own personalities,characters, 'n intelligence. think about it,brothers! be strong,sistah! :-) just put ur trust in Allah swt and bear in ur mind that He will give u the righteous husband(ameen).insha Allah. be patient! ok,sis? peace out! Yu~ki |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| theOriginal |
| 05/26/03 at 04:38:19 |
| [slm] Sigh.... Allah is saving you for someone who will better for you.....please don't waste your emotions on someone who is not meant for you, and who obviously does not deserve your tears. Think of it as a blessing. Alhumdulillah! And then make duaa.... Seriously, I know how you feel. Oh and just so you know...anyone who makes you question your beauty is NOT worth it. It's a matter of dealing with it with strength, insha Allah. And in the meantime, please please don't waste your time. Make duaa, study hard (not necessarily in an academic environment), do something in the community....keep yourself busy. I have this theory: Girls...all girls...are like a glass that's half full (in my case, half-empty), and when they get married, the guy has the power to either fill it up or to empty it out. Guys don't know this, but it's factual. The man can get rid of any insecurity, and any vulnerability that a girl may have (because all girls have them)...but only if he treats her right. Anyway, just ask yourself if the guy picking his nose when he should be impressing you, would fill up your glass. lol. Probably not, yeah? Definitely not. Hugglez. SF. |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Nomi |
| 05/26/03 at 07:13:33 |
| [slm] all Brothers arn't replying to this post, well i'm one so here i go Actually there are lots of brothers around me who would marry a girl on the basis of her religious values and keep looks on low priority having said that few of them are bearded and i've came across ladies who arn't willing to marry bearded men, God knows why !!! Alhamdolillah i'm blessed with everything by Allah when it comes to looks, i'm 6'1, asian white and its all fine alhamdolillah and i wont mind marrying a girl even if she is brown with average looks but has good islamic values and is a practical mulsimah, some time back there was a proposal of same sort (brown girl), things dint worked out well but that was not due to the looks, i'm engaged now and the reason why i'm telling you all this is that, there ARE many good fish in the pond, keep trying the islamic way (wali involved etc) and things will turn out just fine inshAllah A brother in islaam |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 05/26/03 at 08:13:06 |
| [slm] There's nothing wrong with u sis, some guys are just plain jerks. I honestly don't think u'd want to be with a guy like that anyway, so it's his loss, not yours. You've actually been saved from him, so don't stress over it. Do u really think he's going to lead a meaningful life if he's going to base his whole life on looks? There is someone who insha'Allaah is just right for u. Your paths have obviously not crossed yet, so just be a bit patient until they do. I think in the meantime u should try and improve yourself islamically by gaining more knowledge and having more faith in Allaah. That way if u meet any more jerks, they can't affect u and then u can see just how shallow they really are. Who knows, by gaining more isalmic knowledge, you may be in a better position to start rejecting potentials yourself, because you can then see that they're either not behaving/thinking islamically/ they don't act according to the Qur'aan and Sunnah. I pray insha'Allaah that u grow islamically and that your faith deepens, as well as your self-confidence, so that next time, if anything similar happens, you'll not be bothered by it, and you'll also know that it's all part of Allaah's Will. btw mr-bean had a wicked post put up on here, where's it gone? Take care |
| 05/26/03 at 08:14:37 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| SisterHania |
| 05/26/03 at 16:25:58 |
| [quote author=Nomi link=board=sis;num=1053787330;start=0#6 date=05/26/03 at 07:13:33][slm] Alhamdolillah i'm blessed with everything by Allah when it comes to looks, i'm 6'1, asian white and its all fine alhamdolillah and i wont mind marrying a girl even if she is brown [/quote] Hmmmmmm and I'm sure some girl, even if she is *brown* will runaway from the 6'1 asian white man who lacks haya (modesty) and run towards the 5'4 asian brown man who radiates with haya. :) |
| 05/26/03 at 16:31:58 |
| SisterHania |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Emerald |
| 05/26/03 at 22:50:50 |
| This is probably going to sound like a wild and crazy idea, but have you seen a brother you're interested in and tried to let a third party give him "suggestions" (like you ;))....I know, speaking from my culture, that back in the old days it was a baaaad thing to do and I don't know if it's still a bad thing to do BUT what's wrong with trying to protect one's chastity? Anyway, I think I got off the topic at hand....... Anonymous, if you get another possible jerk asking for your hand in marraige, tell him before any conversation starts, "Do you have a green card, cause if you don't don't waste my time". Have a little more confidence in your self worth and beauty (which I'm sure you are) and pretty soon you'll see them crawling on their hands & feet! But if that doesn't happen, just know that Allah (swt) wills things to happen at the perfect time. So be patient. ;) |
| little brown me |
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| Maliha |
| 05/26/03 at 23:00:43 |
| [slm] my dear sis anon, I am really saddened by your situation and other sisters in your position, who I pray Allah will bestow worthy spouses to them, who will share in their tears and joy all the way to Jannah (Amin) :-* Good men are like rare pearls hidden in the depths of oceans...You will have to dive through the murky sea weed, the empty shells, the rocks to finally lay your hands on the sweetest, rarest, jewel :) This process requires a lot of patience and perserverance, but when the time comes, you will have no questions and no qualms...it would have been worth the wait :) Sometimes in His Wisdom He does not give us what we want..but rather what we need. Like Sis Hania said take this time to work on yourself, strive to refine your character, strive in your outreach work (trust me you never seem to have enough time when you are married ::) ), memorize the Quran, join Halaqas, and Inshaallah when you are ready Allah will unravel the handsome Mujahid to join your in your struggle for Jannah (Amin). Take care sweet sis, and know that there's nothing wrong with you :P Simply cuz you are surrounded by jerks, is a matter of chance...not your doing at all :) Also, remember that Allah brings us the nose-pickers and others, to be able to fully appreciate the precious gift...our soulmate :) Sis, Maliha :-) PS: I am an average brown girl :-) (<---browner than this high yella faced sis) and i married an average brown guy ;-) and Inshaallah I look forward to having lotsa pious average brown children :-* May Allah protect my precious brown sisters from the pity of Asian white bros.... ::) [wlm] |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 05/26/03 at 23:22:05 |
| [slm] I think of it as a plus if your not drop dread gorgeious. Why? Becaues then you know the guy aint going for your looks :P I mean I know many gorgeoius girls who are most of the time just proposed due to their looks, which is very sad. neway the question is not 'whats wrong with you' the question is 'whats wrong with them!' yuck yuck yuck ...if a guy came in and started picking his nose, I would probly take his picture and post it in the net then ill see who will marry him! hahaha ok jk Anyway Alhumdulilah it didnt work out with him. Obviously you deserve better than that, and insh'Allah someone better will come along..maybe when you least expect it. .. [quote]Brothers who only marry a sister because she is beautiful may have a few surprises as time goes by. My birth sister had a figure like a model when she was younger. She has been married for 20 years and is over 300 pounds now! I wonder if my brother-in-law had planned on a "whale size woman" when they got married? I love my sister but facts are facts. [/quote] true..I have personally eyewitnessed people who just married for looks and are basically going thru he--- because of it. Someimtz not just the guy but also the girl who was just married for her looks. As the other sisters said, right now work on improving yourself Islamically and a man who will marry you for that is the one that you will most likely be the most happy with, insh'Allah. And remember beauty is in the eyes of the beholder so you never know when someone comes along and believes your 'average looks' to be above average. :) forgive me as the question was addressed to Brothers...insh'Allah more Brothers wil answer...? and [quote]btw mr-bean had a wicked post put up on here, where's it gone? [/quote]also wondering what happened to mr. Bean's post ::) |
| 05/30/03 at 16:08:25 |
| a_Silver_Rose |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Kathy |
| 05/26/03 at 23:44:41 |
| [slm] [quote]"whale size woman" [/quote] ouch... hope she and other 300 lb women aren't reading this post.... I did not remove Mr. Beans post... |
| 05/26/03 at 23:46:04 |
| Kathy |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Nabila |
| 05/27/03 at 05:54:21 |
| [slm] Once upon a time a king and his servant, who was also his most trusted friend, went hunting. By accident, the king cut his own finger clean off. All of his minsters were saying how bad that was and that they were sorry about his loss. But his friend said " You cut your finger off? Excellent!Whatever God does is good." The king was so enraged that his friend would dare say that his lost finger was something good, so he took the servant to the outskirts of the city and put him into the underground dungeons. A couple of years later, the king was going hunting again. This time, he was ambushed by cannibals. He realized that they were having some sort of ritual and he was going to be the sacrifice. However, the chief of the tribe saw that the king didn't have a finger and decided that they couldn't sacrifice something imperfect to their God, so they let the king go free. As soon as he got home, the king ordered that his friend be taken out of the dungeon. The King fell at his friend's feet and begged forgiveness, but all his friend would say, ''You locked me up for two years! Excellent! Whatever God does is good.'' "Good?'' The King asked. "What could possibly be good about locking you away for two [i]years[/i]??!'' ''Well,'' his friend replied, ''If I wasn't locked away, I would have gone hunting with you. The Cannibals would see that I was whole and I would have been the sacrifice.'' Sis, it wont look so bad in a while. Just be grateful -- would you want to marry someone who only wants to get his hand on a residency visa? Remeber, you are calling the shots! You are the one who makes the decision -- dont grasp at the first greedy lout that comes along, you are worth so much more than that. Allaah swt must be saving you for someone special :) It will be so much sweeter when you do find ''the one'' because of all the hurt these insensitive people are putting you through right now. ma asalaamah and take care |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Nomi |
| 05/27/03 at 08:13:33 |
| [quote] Hmmmmmm and I'm sure some girl, even if she is *brown* will runaway from the 6'1 asian white man who lacks haya (modesty) and run towards the 5'4 asian brown man who radiates with haya. [/quote] Am i bay-hayya ?? Arshad bhai ? Uncle Hanif ? any one ? :P [quote] PS: I am an average brown girl (<---browner than this high yella faced sis) and i married an average brown guy and Inshaallah I look forward to having lotsa pious average brown children May Allah protect my precious brown sisters from the pity of Asian white bros.... [/quote] I forgot to mention, my fiancee is brown so i think i'll have lots of brown plus lots of asian white children :) :) Asim Zafar [i]PS: in my last post i was just trying to mention an example, looks DO NOT matter :) ..... peace[/i] |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| mr-bean |
| 05/27/03 at 08:36:27 |
| [slm] For those wondering about what happened to my post -- i deleted it. I am really not a good person to write about stuff like that. Also my post was a bit preachy, and I don't know the sister's situation. Also, being a guy i am a bit self-conscious about posting the girls' folder. Anyhow the basic message was: (1) There are lots of guys wanting to marry for religiousity providing the families are compatible. All of my friends married what people would call "plain" sisters even though could have easily married beauty queens. (2) The fact that sisters don't run accross these guys is simply because they are not well-connected and/or don't use their connections well. I know lots of such brothers. But I am a guy and i run around in a crowd like that. And I could say the very same about sisters. I don't know any religious sisters. And my parents once even (unknowingly) tried to set up with a really pretty and clever girl who turned out to be an agnostic.....(she told me off before I had the chance to tell her off ;). ) So the problem is an organizational problem -- somehow getting people who know lots of girls and people who know lots of boys to get togther... So serious girls should put the feelers out and really try to use their male connections much better. And i don't mean just telling your 60 year dad who only knows people his own age. (3) Boys get rejected a lot too. Every guy who is now married has prob been rejected at least half a dozen times. I personally have been shown the door around 10 times. And being rather uninterested in gooey stuff like that, I am not very active in this field -- i.e. there are lots of guys with a lot more rejections.....;) (4) These are the result of structural probs -- there are few muslims and they are diluted among 300 million people in America. Also they are a new community in the west and haven't developed the organizational apparatus to efficiently matchmake. That apparatus does exist in muslim countries -- and that is why most of our parents never had such problems. (5) This is also a bit because of a deep-rooted caveman misogynism among muslim men. I..e they have trouble viewing women as people with a personality and sense of humor. Instead they sometimes view women as just a womb, free cooking, and as a real life breathing version of the manneqins in the Saks Fifth Avenue store window (i.e. hot looks). This is a thousand year old problem....so just get used to it.....you have to change muslim society before this is going to change...and if you manage to do that....you will prob end up fixing the muslim world as a whole.... (6) While I may get stoned for this: girls should do their best to make themselves attractive to the guy. There are so many reasons to get rejected that they should do their best to get rid of the ones they have control over. This means those serious about getting married, should try to shed the extra weight, etc and make themselves look good with....i don't know....some *well-done* make-up..... Don't just sneer at this superficial stuff....its part of the evil of the process... Of course the weight issue is a loaded issue for girls -- but the same happens to guys as well. Sooo many guys I know went on a starvation diet when trying to get married. So guys are conscious of being fat as well. Girls want guys to be attracted to their personality -- but in the arranged marriage system -- the first thing a guy notices about a girl is how she looks. So be a bit realistic and have a cynical take on life, and make yourself look good. For example, another sister my parents once tried to set me up with was a clever hijabi sister (who was very nice) but who couldn't be bothered with much of the superficial stuff. She had lots of pimples and talked about how much she had eaten that day (and she was large). And while she told me off (i.e. rejected me) -- that kind of behaviour makes the guy a bit apprehensive. The guy is likely to think: "If she is this fat now....what's she gonna be like in 10 years?" (7) Lastly, lots of desi guys almost religiously pick their noses and pick other things as well!! Don't necessarily be so put off by something like that. I mean if the guy starts picking his butt, then be a bit alarmed -- but desi guys are for better or for worse chronic nose diggers.... Okay now you know why I might be a bit self conscious about talking about stuff like this.....cuz I always put my foot in my mouth... ouch!.... :o :D :o |
| 05/27/03 at 09:23:57 |
| mr-bean |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| superFOB |
| 05/27/03 at 10:05:41 |
| [slm] [quote](7) Lastly, lots of desi guys almost religiously pick their noses and pick other things as well!! Don't necessarily be so put off by something like that. I mean if the guy starts picking his butt, then be a bit alarmed -- but desi guys are for better or for worse chronic nose diggers.... [/quote] I am offended. Maybe you should start scouting for better company. There are lot of FOBulous desis out there and I have yet to meet one who indulges in such passtimes. |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| SisterHania |
| 05/27/03 at 10:24:25 |
| [slm] Wow Mr-Bean no-wonder everyone questioned the disappearance of this post, most of what you said made a lot of sense. :) [quote author=mr-bean link=board=sis;num=1053787330;start=15#15 date=05/27/03 at 08:36:27] [slm] All of my friends married what people would call "plain" sisters even though could have easily married beauty queens. [/quote] Why is it that males can easily marry beauty queens but girls are often left begging for a half decent proposal? [quote] (3) Boys get rejected a lot too. Every guy who is now married has prob been rejected at least half a dozen times. I personally have been shown the door around 10 times [/quote] Ya Allah, what is the average number of potential proposals we are suppsoed to view before we find the one?! [quote] (5) This is also a bit because of a deep-rooted caveman misogynism among muslim men. I..e they have trouble viewing women as people with a personality and sense of humor. Instead they sometimes view women as just a womb, free cooking, and as a real life breathing version of the manneqins in the Saks Fifth Avenue store window (i.e. hot looks). [/quote] I agree, I agree, I agree :) But women don't mind doing these things as long as they get a little appreciation for their troubles :) [quote] (6) While I may get stoned for this: girls should do their best to make themselves attractive to the guy. There are so many reasons to get rejected that they should do their best to get rid of the ones they have control over. This means those serious about getting married, should try to shed the extra weight, etc and make themselves look good with....i don't know....some *well-done* make-up..... Don't just sneer at this superficial stuff....its part of the evil of the process...[/quote] I guess if you are meeting a proposal for a few hours then looks will play an important part in creating an initial impression. Its normal to look neat, tidy, smart and a smile will make you look extra beautiful...... :-* If you’ve received a rejection than I expect you feel pretty down and the last thing you want to do is loose weight, instead you’d rather eat more chocolate and cream cakes to beat the blues! The only incentive I can think of for reaching your target weight, is being able to fit into that gorgeous wedding dress while standing next to your handsome husband that accepted you for who you are :) I have heard of certain families who have insisted that the girl remove her hijab in front of their son before making any decision regarding the proposal. I think this is going too far! [quote] (7) Lastly, lots of desi guys almost religiously pick their noses and pick other things as well!! Don't necessarily be so put off by something like that. I mean if the guy starts picking his butt, then be a bit alarmed -- but desi guys are for better or for worse chronic nose diggers.... [/quote] :( :o I'm sure we all dig our noses, pass wind from certain outlets and drill our ears for gold but please there's a time and a place for everything and a marriage meeting is not one of them :P |
| 05/27/03 at 10:35:33 |
| SisterHania |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Yasmeena |
| 05/27/03 at 14:54:57 |
| [slm] Kathy, The "whale size woman" i made reference to is my birth sister and I don't say anything behind her back that I wouldn't say to her face. I have told her that her weight is not only unattractive, that my brother-in-law deserves better but that it is a detriment to her health. She knows that I said it because I love her and that it was meant to "shock" her into doing something about it. I had used that expression as an example only. I have nothing against plump (?) women. I myself have had to diet all my life, since I was 14, so that I don't follow the overweight women in my family. Yasmeena [wlm] |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Kathy |
| 05/27/03 at 20:46:24 |
| [slm] [quote]I have told her that her weight is not only unattractive, that my brother-in-law deserves better....[/quote] What a wonderful supportive Sis you are...not. ::)You were unbelievably mean. [quote]She knows that I said it because I love her [/quote] Words like "I love you" work so much better.... [quote]and that it was meant to "shock" her into doing something about it. [/quote] Do you think she did not know she was over weight? I am sure she has seen a mirror. Who told you that your loving words :P would "shock" her into changing? |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/28/03 at 13:18:20 |
| Assalam Alaikum Sis Anon, You have already received some wonderful suggestions from the other brothers and sisters. But just wanted to share something with you. May be a little irrevalant but nevertheless. It so happens that at college, my friend was once standing with a male-friend of hers, and the two of them were having an amusing discussion. When I saw them, I joined them in their conversation and greeted this brother who I had not met before. Almost immediately, this male-friend of hers started getting uneasy and uncomfortable. Not wanting to make him feel any more worse, I excused myself and left. Later on, I asked my friend what got into the guy, and she very reluctantly told me that he had his apprehensions of standing with a hijaabi girl, or being seeing around with one, for the simple reason that it embarassed him. He was of the noble thought that a girl should dress up according to the place she is living in, i.e., if she in Pakistan, then her dupatta (head-covering) should be tightly wrapped, and not a strand of hair should be in the picture. If she is in the M.E., the dupatta can be on her shoulders or around her neck (yes, hayaa is vanishing down there). And if the girl is in the West, then no dupatta at all, and the salwar-kameez can be substituted with hip-huggers and tank-tops. O, and just for the record, the bloke calls himself a good, practicising, Muslim brother. Logic? None. When I got to know this, I was in tears, because I genuinely felt bad that he made me feel like a total untouchable and outcast. And now when I think of it, I go into tears simply because I pity him and his sheer lack of knowledge. So, just an analogy, this brother does not know what he is missing out on when he goes around advocating his weird philosophies. Apparently, he would be less embarassed if he were to flaunt to his friends a 'hot-chick', than if he were to introduce a fully-clad, modest, girl. Come to think of it, at the end of the day, who are the real winners. Who will be a better mother for his children? One who teaches the li'l ones Allah and Muhammad, or one who leaves them to learn Avril and Music. Who will serve as a better wife? One who is loyal, modest and a true Muslimah, or one who is skimpily-clad, and attracts lustful gazes wherever she goes. And to come back to the topic, who will serve as a better father and husband? One who is looking for the 'green-card', or the one who wants the 'deen-card'? Remember Sis, that there are some people that Allah (SWT) loves so much that he deliberately delays their duas, because He wants to hear them worship Him, and He likes to hear them at all times. What an honor that! And in reward, He, in his His infinite bounties, gives His worshipper something spectacular, way beyond human-imagination. So cheer up, keep the spirits high, and hope floating, and inshahAllah soon you will be blessed with someone so special that you will think to yourself 'whoa! how was I even living before this amazing person came into my life?' Take care, and may Allah make it easy for you. May He give us the hidaayah to better ourselves, and guide us all to the Siraat-ul-Mustaqeem. Peace PS: So I am curious, if you dont mind sharing with us, mr-bean, why were you shown the door several times. Was it health, wealth or wisdom? Allah has gifted you with tremendous knowledge MashahAllah and a real funny-bone-tickler-kinda sense of humor (hints a-many??!!;)...j/k) |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| SisterHania |
| 05/28/03 at 14:18:42 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=sis;num=1053787330;start=15#20 date=05/28/03 at 13:18:20] Remember Sis, that there are some people that Allah (SWT) loves so much that he deliberately delays their duas, because He wants to hear them worship Him, and He likes to hear them at all times. What an honor that! And in reward, He, in his His infinite bounties, gives His worshipper something spectacular, way beyond human-imagination. [/quote] [wlm] Who are you Sister anon? I just read that piece and I started crying it was so beautiful mashallah :-* |
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| jannah |
| 05/28/03 at 17:06:46 |
| [quote] (6) While I may get stoned for this: girls should do their best to make themselves attractive to the guy. There are so many reasons to get rejected that they should do their best to get rid of the ones they have control over. This means those serious about getting married, should try to shed the extra weight, etc and make themselves look good with....i don't know....some *well-done* make-up..... Don't just sneer at this superficial stuff....its part of the evil of the process... [/quote] [wlm] Just because some bros are superficial, why should girls have to fall in line with that? Many girls are fine the way they are with minimal makeup and their natural weight. I think guys that want certain things probably induced by the society around them should get over the looking for a blonde 90 pound model phase. It's not natural and it's not healthy for either of the two. This is why the young muslim girls of today are so into their looks, macking, tight clothes. They also have severe widespread problems like depression, anorexia and self-esteem issues which in turn causes them to turn away from Islam. |
| 05/28/03 at 17:08:52 |
| jannah |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 05/29/03 at 08:06:01 |
| [slm] Mr-bean I must say I was disappointed with ur 2nd post, ur first one was so much better. And why on earth should girls look attractive for POTENTIALS????????? For your husbands, fine, wear the make-up and everything else. But for some guy u dont even know is going to accept u? Like hello?? Firstly I dont kw how islamic that is for women to make themselves 'attractive' for some guy who isnt even their husband, and second, I cant believe guys would go see a potential girl and judge her on how well her make-up is done. I'm sorry but this second post was so shallow, I think your better off removing this one. |
| 05/29/03 at 08:09:07 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
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| Maliha |
| 05/29/03 at 11:52:27 |
| [slm] Mr bean getting in trouble again? :P Anywho, my two cents. Girls just be ya self when a dude comes along. They aint gonna marry no air brushed, pretentious version of you. They will marry you. They will wake up every morning and see your face...OMG! you know i was talking to this sister and she asked me whether I ever fall asleep at night? I was like "Huh???" she said...since she got married she can't fall asleep till wayyy after he sleeps and wakes up every morning really early so that he would never see her "morning" face... I was like..."errr? there's nothing wrong with me morning face! :P" Anywho thats a digression...but it just goes to show just how much a guy's superficiality can affect a woman. *sigh* Another anecdote i read somewhere was this millionare who sleeps with drop dead gorgeous models, and they alwayz apologize for this or that about themselves. He goes "i am short, fat and bald"...and i always wonder What are they apologizing for??? some women are just sad. but basically yeah..be yourself, don't go out of your way to look "dirty" or "unkempt"....When i first met me hubby i dressed the way i would usually dress when i go out...nothing more, nothing less...(okay maybe some eyeliner :P ) Anywho... and the weight thing, i still maintain, if you aint doing it for ya health...then give it up...no one is worth you sweat...literally ::) Sis, Maliha :-) [wlm] ps: SisHania i know who the second "anon" is....for a price i might be willing to divulge 8) |
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| theOriginal |
| 05/30/03 at 04:47:56 |
| [slm] ooh sis Maliha... you're like...the best. MashaAllah...you have a way of explaining things where i just getchya. (COme to think of it, that's saying a lot, I don't GET things too often) SF. |
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| mr-bean |
| 05/30/03 at 12:21:30 |
| [slm] I want to add something to what I have already said -- and this time, it is a not so useless piece of advice!: START LOOKING TO GET MARRIED EARLY!! Don't wait till you've finished med school or grad school or whatever. It is very, very difficult for muslim girls to get married, and if you don't start the process early, you might get short-shrifted. By the time you graduate from college (like when you are 22) your parents should be looking around and religiously hunting down potentials. I know so many sisters, who couldn't be bothered with it, thought there was plenty of time for it, and only started looking after they had finished their ph.d or whatever and were like 29 or whatever then. And by that time, it became very difficult to find someone. There are plenty of guys who are very cool about marrying girls who are doing a ph.d. or whatever and don't wanna turn their wives into kitchen sinks -- i.e. respect them as people with their own hopes and ambitions. Get married to guys like that -- they do exist! I.e. getting married early doesn't have to mean that you will sacrifice your future career, etc. There are plenty of guys who are not complete cavemen, etc.... Now about the other stuff about which everybody got so incensed: guys....i didn't say use lots of makeup. i mean one of the few times i like rejected a girl was when she showed up with more makeup that Joan Collins...(i actually rejected her because she was just to desi for me -- couldn't speak english, and hence was too different to me) what i meant was something very natural looking but which highlights what's already there. when i said *well done* makeup, i said that because i honestly don't think most girls know how to use makeup. they usually use too much, use the wrong color, or whatever. i'm telling you this because this is what happens in my own extended family. most guys don't like women who are heavily made-up, and most muslim guys think a heavily made up hijabi is a bit of an oxymoron. what most guys are looking for is someone who looks fresh and radiant....or something like that....i think....not someone with gobs of eyeshadow, etc. i repeat: what i meant was -- if you are going to wear makeup for a potential -- know how to wear it. know how to look natural, etc. either learn yourself, or go to a parlour. else you will probably use too much or use the wrong stuff or whatever.... Also, you don't have to use makeup. But just try to take care of yourself. About weight: my mom used to call me the desi version of Jabba the Hut. My parents made me join the gym. (i got fat eating pizza for breakfast, pizza for lunch and pizza for dinner in the last two years of college.) My little sisters used to tell me: bhaiah -- nobody's gonna marry you unless you like become half the person you are now... I used to just laugh and crack a joke about it. But its true.....and I wasn't even that fat. I am now off the pizza, etc...watch what i eat, attempt to go the gym etc. This is stuff I can control. Now this probably won't help me get married or whatever -- cuz I usually get rejected after the first five minutes for being a nut and not for being overweight. But, it decreases the number of reasons for rejecting a mr bean from 6542 to 6541. Anyhow, the basic point of this self-humiliating story is that: if you can control something -- like your weight -- do it. It will make you feel healthier, and since guys tend to focus on weight sometimes, you may be better off in that sense as well.... What I mean is: don't be a bum -- and don't look down at excercising or running or whatever. Its important in so many ways. In reality: this is something which older brothers and moms should force girls to do. Girls are very resistant to "looking good for a potential" or whatever, because....well.... it is pretty shallow. So if you are a guy with a litle sis, or you are a mom with a girl of marriagable age -- then its your responsibility to take care of stuff like that. Just don't overdo it....like when my aunt made my cousin get contacts....so she could meet a potential without her glasses! lol! Anyhow,....how many sisters still to want to nail me to a telephone post?! |
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| SisterHania |
| 05/30/03 at 15:02:23 |
| [quote author=mr-bean link=board=sis;num=1053787330;start=15#26 date=05/30/03 at 12:21:30] [slm] what i meant was something very natural looking but which highlights what's already there. when i said *well done* makeup, i said that because i honestly don't think most girls know how to use makeup. they usually use too much, use the wrong color, or whatever. i'm telling you this because this is what happens in my own extended family. [/quote] wow its the makeup of makeup artists, next you'll be telling us you were the chief makeup artisit on the set of 'the matrix' [quote] Anyhow,....how many sisters still to want to nail me to a telephone post?! [/quote] Not me, I'd like some advice. I have an olive skin tone with brown eyes and dark hair. What would you suggest would be the best colour eyemake up for my skin tone? Should I go more for gold colours or stick to a brown tone to accentuate my cheekbones and bring out my eyes, or are pastel shades more flattering for my style? |
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| mr-bean |
| 05/30/03 at 15:22:55 |
| [slm] ...very funny...you girls can't ever take any well intentioned male criticism or advice lying down....you always have to pooh pooh it.....no matter how earnest it is..... [slm] ps: look...i know for a fact that even my mom used the wrong colors and stuff for eons. she told me so....everything i said...you girls know full well...but you just tried to shoot me down because i am a guy....and stuff like that coming out of a guy's mouth sounds bigoted, superficial and conceited.....but if said by a girl....well that's a totally different matter! |
| 05/30/03 at 15:31:41 |
| mr-bean |
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| Nomi |
| 05/30/03 at 17:18:27 |
| [slm] all well even if it earns me a bad repo, i'll agree to "one" point that Mr, Bean highlighted i.e. "Sisters: get married early", infact i was myself trying to bring up this topic, good that good old Mr. Bean took the initiative, let me put it this way.... Most of the times there is 3-4 years of difference between a couple and when ur education, career or whatever takes you to the age of 25 around, then a guy that'll be ur match in terms of age would be around 30? and hence already engaged/married, no? You can always study etc after getting married, husbands can be convinced, measures can be taken I think 20 around should be the age, What do you say ? Asim Zafar [i]Allah save me from the wrath :P [/i] PS: If i am ever to go see a prospect and she shows up without makeup, then that'll be a big plus for her |
| 05/30/03 at 17:28:13 |
| Nomi |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/31/03 at 02:50:00 |
| JazakAllah Khair for your kind words SisHania. Me a born-Muslim, new to the board though. I had always been one of those very bad teenagers; music-buff, movie-buff, guy-crazy. but it was a phase, and passed. Its really funny, extremely silly actually, how just one passing comment from a friend gave my life a totally new direction. Ordinarily, I was never into Islam, and I would just discard whatever she said as humbug, and go back to my 'beyond-the-line' ways but this time, that was just not meant to happen. My friend was going through a real tough patch in her life, and she blamed it on the fact that she was being punished by the Almighty for having a haraam relationship. She just said something like 'There are some people Allah (SWT) loves so much, that when they do something slightly wrong, they get punished for it almost instantly. And this is only Allah's (SWT) way of showing that even a small error on their part, will cause Him to be angry with them, because He (SWT) loves them so much.'. I dont know how true this is, but it was almost like a slap on my face, because I have indulged in sooo many haram things all my life, but I was always unabashedly happy. Whenever I wanted something I asked for it and got it. So did that mean that Allah (SWT) did NOT love me? I started reading a lot, and slowly, started practicing more. In the nights, I would just sit on the musallah after prayers, and just cry to Allah (SWT) with a bursting heart to love me more, and to make me one of His special people, and to give me his endless guidance, for without it I would be totally lost again. I realise now that I have this precious gift called Islam, and shame on me, for not appreciating its worth all this while. There are times when I snap and feel like I just cannot do it. Its best then to seek refuge in Allah (SWT) through prayers and constant dua'a because that way we will never be let down. So, when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. Okay, so that was my really silly story. and a complete 180 degree detour from the orig. subject. Peace. |
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| Mujahidah |
| 05/31/03 at 10:41:19 |
| AssalamAlaikum wrb, sister...Hav faith in Allah Ta'la, he knows what is best 4 u and mayb its best to wait 4 the best to come along inshAllah. i read most the post and i have to say not all sisters go 4 Mr hunk and not all bros go 4 cinderella :P...heheheh!!! My going to b hub only propsed to me coz my religion alhamdulilla, and i only accepted as he is mashAllah knowledgeable (he has a daughter and is widowed!)...but i accepted 4 allah's sake!! Neways inshAllahhav faith in Allah-ta'la, its the best thing u can do. And if some1 was pickin their nose when they came to c me, i'd def reject...its SICK! (u shud thanx Allah-ta'la he saved u frm the fool). May Allah-ta'la give u sabr, Ameen. |
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| mr-bean |
| 05/31/03 at 13:36:11 |
| [slm] a guy gives his take on things as a member of the half of the society who actually does the rejecting....and everybody jumps on him. look....i have seen it several times...and it is very sad...a very pious girl is set up with a guy...and she has this niave idea that appearance means diddly squat...that she is pious, God-fearing, nice and humble....and since the guy is a good muslim...that's all that he is going to care about. she then meets the guy at her parents house....looking not so well (she's thinking afterall the guy is a good muslim -- he should care only about piety, right??). he is very impressed with her character, thinks she will be a terrific mother, etc.... but he can't quite get himself to pull the trigger....because well....its such a big decision that he's scared as hell, and well....he was hoping for someone a bit...well...shall we say better looking.... he then slinks off, and the girl (assuming she would have said yes) is left very disappointed and guy is rather disallusioned.....he's thinking....this marriage stuff really sucks... you see people, marriage is a pretty scary thing for guys as well. they are taking somebody onboard who they don't know, and who they are financially and emotionally obligated to for [i] the rest of their lives [/i]. and even if they are rich, that's quite a mouthful to swallow. for a religious guy, looking good is not the most important thing in the world, but it is one of those marginally important things which can get a guy to muster up the courage to pull the trigger...so to speak...(assuming the girl would have agreed in the first place). and looking good doesn't mean looking like a supermodel. [i] the point is every girl can look good if she takes care of herself[/i], and that's why i find it very disturbing when very nice girls get rejected for being fat, etc. -- because that's a rejection that didn't have to be, and that's a rejection which is usually partially due to the girls callousness. in my theory, very few girls would actually be rejected because of looks and weight if they only did the minimal things to take care of themselves. a girl can do so many almost trivial things to make herself look good i mean just look at chelsea clinton. she is about the plainest person you would ever meet. but if you look at her pictures now, she looks pretty darn good. in fact its shocking. (her picture was plastered on msn and i couldn't help noticing.) the reason i mentioned makeup is because this is something guys always secretly make fun of girls for. we make fun of the fact that they are either wearing too much (boy george) or don't have a clue about how to use it. for example they might be using makeup designed for very fair people when they are brown, etc....(since most of the cosmetics are made for white people, and most muslims are not). so i said, if you are going to use it, know how to use it. why is this such an obnoxious thing to say? i sure don't use makeup and never claimed to know much about it, and i was only saying something which i thought was common sense. also.....if you go to an job interview, you try to look your best. even guys when going to meet a girl will almost always wear a suit (why do islamic girls insist on guys wearing a jacket and tie?). So why should pious sisters just expect that the guy should only be impressed by piety and that she can look like whatever she feels like? i am only saying this because i find it distressing when girls get rejected because of this stuff, and not because my intention is to harrass them. its your life, not mine, and i'm only telling you what i would tell my own sister. anyhow, i'm going to stop posting in the girls folder. i only get into trouble here. but when i post in the boys folder, i only get into trouble there as well..... so where am i supposed to go? yeah....i know what you're thinking -- i should go to the folder for the neutered.....very funny......very funny indeed... |
| 05/31/03 at 14:49:37 |
| mr-bean |
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| Mujahidah |
| 06/01/03 at 18:02:39 |
| AsA Yes u shud look presentable but no need to pile make-up on and look like a doll!!!! He wont c the real u! :o. looks is important...but it is not EVERYTHING!!! Khair! |
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| Nomi |
| 06/01/03 at 22:06:36 |
| [slm] all [quote] its your life, not mine, and i'm only telling you what i would tell my own sister. [/quote] I would only tell my own sister and to ohers too, to only use a lil make-up for her/their hqbby, and thats it we really have lots of make-up experts here, no ? :) n e ways, may Allah make us all[i] (and those who "only" go after beauty) [/i]realize that it is indeed "deen" that can make our lives so much peaceful Asim Zafar PS: Mr Bean: Stay. We enjoy your posts... and there is a difference between to-like and "to-enjoy" :P |
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| UmmWafi |
| 06/01/03 at 22:41:10 |
| [slm] Whatever happen to cliches when u need them ? Reading the whole thread reminds me of one particular cliche, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Despite the fact that this phrase has been oft repeated till the cows came home, I personally believe it is true. What is beauty in the eyes of Allah SWT ? Is it the perfect symmetry of her facial structure ? Is it the harrowingly deep love she has for Him ? Is it the kohl or mascara that lines her eyes ? Is it the tears that springs forth from eyes that regret her sins to Him ? Is it the smoothness of her skin ? Is it the callousness of her heels from walking everyday to the masjid ? Indeed, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I ain't no beauty queen (Sis Barr can attest to that :) ) but I have had my share of admirers. Some even wanted to marry me. In the end, I did the choosing and rejecting because after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I chose my husband not because he was a Manhunt International finalist (ugh perish the thought !) but because in my eyes, he represents calmness, understanding, friendship, loyalty, faith and above all, respect for the Deen. Alhamdulillah. In the soon-to-be 11 years of marriage, I can count the very few occasions I put on the make up and I go from being very slim to overweight to slim again to overweight ...and it goes on. When I was overweight, I did not feel any sense of deficiency so I never bother dieting because I wanna look good. I do exercise however, because I have a chronic spinal problem and the added weight aggravates the situation. Otherwise, gimme those chocolates. I figure, my husband should love ME..ALL of me heh heh.. The point of the seemingly meaningless semi-biography is to illustrate to the first anon that when it comes to people, nothing makes sense. Even if you are the most beautiful woman on earth (does such a concept exist ?) that doesn't guarantee your happiness. With regards to what is wrong with you, why the answer is NOTHING. Maybe the guys have different yardsticks with which to measure their future wives. If their measurements don't fit you, don't get depressed because you know that someday a guy will come along who will behold you the way Allah SWT Beholds you. When things don't happen, we always equate that with negativity but half the time the only negative thing about it is our impatience and nothing more. And that is something we have to rectify and not anyone else. Life is more than just about being married. Indeed life is about you living it. Here again the cliche proves to be true because indeed beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. What you need to do is to close your eyes and behold all the beauty and wonder that life has for you. One thing you will realise (I guarantee this) is the fact that your life can only be beautiful if Allah SWT Loves you. So wait for the one Mr Right who will marry you for Allah's sake. You can't go wrong. In the meantime, just focus on being the most beautiful you can to Allah SWT and that comes from your ibadah, not from Lancome. Even in my darkest moment and when I am assailed by the most horrible doubts, I close my eyes and feel Allah's Love. I open them and I know that indeed He does Love me because all I have to do is to look at my children to know I am so very blessed. Solehah may not be the most beautiful child in the world but hey......beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Behold, I see her as the sweetest nectarine from Allah's most beautiful flower in Jannah, Subhanallah...... Wassalam. |
| 06/01/03 at 22:45:41 |
| UmmWafi |
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| readagain |
| 06/02/03 at 00:55:54 |
| [slm] sis ummwafi , can i just say that i just LOVE it when u conclude...subhanAllahh :)... i know girls who are mashallah gorgeous, tall, slim, educated (working on phD..maybe thats the reason) and mashallah very religious..Very Smart , (ok thats one girl) and still not married..mashallah my cousin will be 30 soon and liek all parents do, her parents are really worried abt her too...but she doesnt worry..(i love her coolness) she is like..whenever Allah will send the right guy, it will happen..its all written down ..so why worry?...so dont worry...make lots of dua that Allah has written down the best for you..INSHALLAH take care salaam :-) |
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| se7en |
| 06/02/03 at 04:11:23 |
Sis Umm Wafi, you rock. :-* jazaki Allahu khayran wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah |
| 06/02/03 at 04:12:23 |
| se7en |
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| Fozia |
| 06/02/03 at 06:28:07 |
| So mr. Bean what will you do if you marry this 'natural' looking girl and then wake up to find she's not all that natural looking after all???? I'm just incredibly curious that's all. |
| 06/02/03 at 12:24:47 |
| Fozia |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/02/03 at 07:19:22 |
| [slm] mann...this discussion is going into some weird dimensions. Every situation is independent, distinct, and uncorrelated. Someone I know was proposed to by a guy who hadn't even SEEN her. And they make such a lovely couple, mashaAllah. I hate to bring mathematics into this again, but there are exogenous variables that most of you are ignoring. What about if someone is just in a bad mood. Or let's say, the girl's low BP kicks in, and she just feels physically draaaaaaaaaained the day the dude comes to visit (speaking from experience, that can really ruin things), and she can't say anything interesting? What about the weather? I mean what if the guy had to shovel 4 feet of snow to get there? He might be thinking whether or not it was worth the effort. What ifffff the guy just hates the word 'totally', and the girl keeps repeating it whilst speaking to his parents in her living room. What if she looks like an Auntie he knew from his childhood that would feed him rotten ladoos at every visit? I mean, seriously, it could be anything. I mean, rules of play: As long as you have nothing stuck in your teeth, you can't be smelled halfway across the room (good smell OR bad smell), your glasses don't have visible fingerprints on them, your hands don't have ink on them and the fingernails are clean, you have ironed your clothes, and your house looks halfway decent.... You can't do much else. The rest is up to fate. So relax, ladies. Relax before you meet the dude, whilst you are meeting him, after he leaves. You can start worrying if and only if he doesn't reject you. Then woooh boy, you're in trouble. ;) Wasalaam. |
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| mr-bean |
| 06/02/03 at 08:08:03 |
| [slm] i'm sorry...i'm a moron...i take back everything i said....i think i'll go flush myself down the toilet now....flush.....flush... now about [quote author=Fozia link=board=sis;num=1053787330;start=30#38 date=06/02/03 at 06:28:07]So mr. Bean what will you do if you marry this 'natural' looking girl and then wake up to find she's not all that looking after all???? I'm just incredibly curious that's all. [/quote] ...that's really funny...mr bean has no such problems...probably because no girl would be stupid enough to marry a mr bean. in fact, i can tell you about this one time i met this girl, and afterwards the wali was so upset he was like ready to beat me on the head with a tire iron. he thought i had made a mockery of the whole thing, and perhaps cracked a few too many jokes. Maybe i did, but i didn't really make a mockery of it, i just said "I am an idiot, and i would feel extremely sorry for anybody who had to marry me." And people always said honesty is always the best cure!....next time maybe i'll say....i'm the greatest guy in the world, rich beyond measure, and oh yah got drop dead looks. Unfortunately, i think any girl would like see through that in about a nanosecond and prompty tell me to drop dead..... oh...i am such an idiot....aren't i .... [slm] |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 06/02/03 at 13:58:08 |
| [slm] all, I think mr bean's made a fool of himself enough times, and amusement and anger aside, I think we should ease up on the guy. After he's flushed himself down the toilet though! ;) |
| 06/02/03 at 13:58:48 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
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| Aadhil |
| 06/07/03 at 00:44:31 |
| [slm] What mr. Bean needs to do is to write a book (about Islam), and get it published. This will kill two birds with one stone (i.e gettin rich, and doin da'wah). I'd suggest gettin rid of all the money quick though, because the poor people will be among the first to enter Jannah. :P :-* |
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| Gerber_Daisy |
| 06/07/03 at 07:46:00 |
| What's a desi? |
| Re: What's wrong with me? |
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| Somaira |
| 06/07/03 at 15:01:08 |
| Assalamualaikum, Desi usually refers to someone of south asian background right? ie Pakistan, India etc... Somaira |
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