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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Living with inlaws? |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/26/03 at 22:08:17 |
| A brother I'm considering for marriage would like me to live with his parents. Has anyone tried this living in the West? Any advice or words of wisdom? My main concern with this is that it is a completely different dynamic having to interact with three different personalities. They are also from a 'back home culture' and no doubt have their own cultural expectations of a daughter in law. It seems like I'm just going from my parents house to some other house of parents. It doesn't feel like getting married or having your own home or family at all. I would like to try to make this work, but not sure how...Help! |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| Emerald |
| 05/26/03 at 22:27:19 |
| What country is he from? And you? I suggest, if after you make istikhara and he turns out to be "the one", to know all that you can about the do's and don't's (<--?~anyway ::)) about the culture. If they're easy going parents, you've got nothing to worry about, but if they're not - just be yourself. He wouldn't have asked for you and they wouldn't have accepted if you weren't a good person. |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| theOriginal |
| 05/27/03 at 05:02:57 |
| [slm] My sister is living with her mother-in-law and brother-in-law... yes in the West. I'd suggest you think it through thoroughly. My sister is having a very difficult time, even though Masha Allah she is extremely patient. Her MIL is very old-fashioned, as well...which is very weird, because my sister's hubby is on the other extreme. ANd while my sister is expected to cook, clean, and various other things, she is also expected to further her education, get a job, and split the mortgage. So the less disparity there is in what people expect of you and what you expect of yourself, the better. Everyone's experience is different, obviously, but I suggest that you do talk with the brother about his expectations and his parents' expectations, insha Allah. It is definitely a workable situation, but only if all parties are working in tandum to keep the peace. May Allah help you in what is best for you. Ameen. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| dhameer |
| 05/27/03 at 14:34:52 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1053997698;start=0#0 date=05/26/03 at 22:08:17]My main concern with this is that it is a completely different dynamic having to interact with three different personalities. They are also from a 'back home culture' and no doubt have their own cultural expectations of a daughter in law. It seems like I'm just going from my parents house to some other house of parents. It doesn't feel like getting married or having your own home or family at all. I would like to try to make this work, but not sure how...Help! [/quote] It all depends in the following order 1) You would be 2) You in laws 3) Yourself These are also these factors you have to look into your situation : 1) Is living with his parents practical? - It depends on the status, so you will get a more clear picture how your would be wants when he means "(2) have to live with us" 2) How accomodating he is ? - When faced with a problem (a) Puts the classic "poker" face. ( a la "I can't hear you.....Nah ... Nah..) -During the early period of a marriage having an understanding with your spouse is very essential. -The newly wed bride will need support. Is he willing to give that? (b) Running away from the problem. - This happens when he can't think of way, so takes the easy option which is to run away from it or worse still, to tell a lie. - Bad in the long term (c) Does he stay firm and negotiate This is most helpful in any situation So evaluate in the light of this and see how it fits your situation. May Allah help you in your efforts. Ameen |
| 05/27/03 at 15:21:58 |
| dhameer |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| nouha |
| 05/27/03 at 21:55:10 |
| [slm] i have no experience in this field since im not married... but from talking to someone else about this topic, we came across a few points.... 1) def make istikhara 2) before judging the parents, meet them... have a whole dinner get together with both families.. see what happens.... 3) if this brother is REALLY worth it in deen and seems to be very combatible with you.. dont just throw away the opportunity 4) i sometimes consider this one myself..... live with the brother for a few years before living with his parents. its allready a hassle to live with one person you dont now than to have to live with him AND his parents....this way itll give you sometime to have a strong base with ur hubby before his parents comein the picture 5) its alot easier if the parents come live wiht you then u go live with them... salam nouha:) |
| 05/27/03 at 22:51:25 |
| jannah |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/28/03 at 00:05:28 |
| [slm] Blistering Barnacles! The concerns are real the fears are real but this is such a complex problem and the answer is individualized so it’s difficult to generalize. But here are my two Euros on it It surely tight ropes walk (though not blindfolded) only this time the rope is "love&harmony" in the relationship surrounded by “Would you like to be the cause for Allah swt consigning your spouse to the NAAE for the neglect of her/his parents” (very valid reason parents could be your ticket to jannah) VS “Do you want to make your life here a living hell by meddlesome in-laws (if they are that is..) Somebody else said “How can you trust a man who dumps his parents after they have done so much for him, for he tomorrow will dump his wife for a younger and prettier woman)” VS “Men will always look at a ‘Shakirah’ no matter what” Any way out? A very wise sister once told me “ I was very scared,Petrified ,mortified of living with my inlaws and I would pray a lot to Allah swt that I didn’t have to ,but I knew it was my hubby’s Islamic duty to take them in if there was a need and I wouldn’t stand in the way of that” There is a light at the end of the tunnle one must just look for it [wlm] |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| jannah |
| 05/28/03 at 00:40:54 |
| [slm] I spoke to our Imam on this question. He first mentioned how important muslim families are and how we should try our best not to break them up and try to live very Islamic lives. He also said that it is a woman's sharhi right not to live with her in-laws and that she is not obligated sharhi wise to obey them. (she has a right to private lodgings) However, out of ihsan, ibadah to Allah and love for her husband, she may live with them and try her best to serve them. In showing kindness to her husband's parents she's going out of her way to show kindness to her husband. This is something that will increase the couple in love and appreciation for each other. This however takes sabr, sabr, sabr and more sabr according to him. It is also a chance to encourage the parents to good. The wife has to be very strong, have alot of patience and be willing for mujahidah. Even though everyone may be seeking to please Allah, there will inevitably be differences and challenges because people have grown up with different Islamic standards and values. He also said it's very important to know what the parents' expectations are and what the husband's expectations are before making a decision because there are different values and expectations. It is not easy by any means and there a lot of challenges and it is a difficult road to choose. |
| 05/28/03 at 00:51:47 |
| jannah |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| Fozia |
| 05/28/03 at 12:51:48 |
| [slm] I'm new on here so apologies if I say/write something wrong I don't intend on causing offence. As most of the other's have suggested do Istikhara on this matter, and if the outcome is positive accept it. I know it's rather fashionable nowadays for the in-laws to be really awful. However you do occasionally meet the acception. My in-laws alhumdulillah are really lovely, and I found that early on in my marriage when there was a greater scope for misunderstandings occurring between my husband and I, sometimes having the in-laws there to help out and tell off their erring son helped more than my getting upset ever did. It's just a thought really. It does work, although we didn't live with them for long just during the 'honeymoon' period, they'll be moving in with us soon and I'm looking forward to it. My mother-in-law especially is an invaluable source of advice when it comes to my baby. In the end I don't think any parent brings up their son for so many years to lose him to his wife, I personally hope my children won't forget me when I'm old and crabby ;). Wassalam |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| Tesseract |
| 05/28/03 at 18:55:08 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum, [quote]have a whole dinner get together with both families.. see what happens.... [/quote] Like what is supposed to happen? ??? [quote]if this brother is REALLY worth it in deen and seems to be very combatible with you.. dont just throw away the opportunity [/quote] Its easier to find a comBatible brother, but not a compatible one :D. ..........................( I think that is a typo, but that typo made me laugh hard. Btw, if it really is a typo, its very Arabish typo. U know like how every P word is Bronounced as B word :)) [quote]He also said it's very important to know what the parents' expectations are and what the husband's expectations are before making a decision because there are different values and expectations.[/quote] MashaAllah, really good advice. Something that I always thought every sister should do before getting married. Who gave this advice? Imam Djaffer Sebkhoui (sp.?)? Wassalam. |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| jannah |
| 05/28/03 at 19:23:28 |
| [wlm] bulwark it was bro mokhtar... but i could always ask br djafar also...this seems to be an important issue that comes up with alot of sisters... |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| Tesseract |
| 05/29/03 at 02:05:58 |
| Salaam, [quote]bulwark it was bro mokhtar... but i could always ask br djafar also...this seems to be an important issue that comes up with alot of sisters... [/quote] SubhanAllah, while I was reading that advice, I was almost sure that Bro. Mukhtar must have given that advice. But anyways, that raises another question in my mind, If a sister was to find out the bro.'s parents' expectations, what would be the best way to do it? Talk directly to the to-be-parents-in-law? Let the bro. do the talk with his parents and then convey it to the sister? or let the parents from both sides deal with it? What do u guys think? Wassalam. |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| jannah |
| 05/29/03 at 02:17:27 |
| [wlm] Yeah the scary thing is how he talked about sabr and mujahidah so much... the sister who accepts this has to be one wayy strong sistah!! I don't know how one would be able to do it... I'd think it would be good for her to talk to the parents herself or hear it in their own words.. cause the bro is always going to say what he *thinks* the parents expectations are. Best to find out from all sources then make a decision on whether one can accept their wants. btw "Would you like to be the cause for Allah SubHana Wa Ta`ala consigning your spouse to the NAAE for the neglect of her/his parents? " does not seem valid to me since u can take care of ur parents, honor and respect them and not neglect them and still not live with them in the same house. As mentioned this is not required by Islamic law unless the parents have absolute NEED to live with their children. Otherwise, this is NOT neglect, it is a choice, and if ur saying it is.. i wonder that u've just consigned a large majority of Muslims to the naar. |
| 05/29/03 at 02:43:13 |
| jannah |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| Al-Basha |
| 05/29/03 at 02:38:21 |
| [slm] Correct me if i'm wrong, but did any of the sahahba go and live with their parents immediatly after they married? I thought the part of the stipulations of a brother marrying is the ability for him to provide for a wife and family? So if he can't provide a home for his wife, should he even be getting married? I'm not bashing brothers who live with their parents and are married, sometimes it works out but in most cases it doesn't. Rarely are the living quarters designed to suit that type of arrangement. For example I know in Syria they design villa's to suit that type of living, everyone has their own section but ppl share one big kitchen, living room etc. Also where is the daleel that a brother and his wife will go to hell if they do not live with their parents? Seems like this based on some cultural norm versus real Islam. Wa Allahu A3laam |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| faisalsb |
| 05/29/03 at 07:04:55 |
| [slm] Well I think the best way to deal with any problem is to find the solution in Quran and Sunnah and first of all we should try to find out what are EXPECTATIONS of Allah and his prophet [saw] from us regarding that matter before we follow someone's else expectations. Problem starts when we make and create certain ideas and then try to justify it through Quran and hadith. Instead actually Islam expects from us the other way around. Where ever status of parents in a model islamic family is concerned I think there is no doubt it's the most important thing after shahada or being dutifull to Allah Subhan Wa Tallah as it's clear from following mentioned verses of Quran: 002.083 And when We made a covenant with the children of Israel: You shall not serve any but Allah and (you shall do) good to (your) parents, and to the near of kin and to the orphans and the needy, and you shall speak to men good words and keep up prayer 002.215 They ask you as to what they should spend. Say: Whatever wealth you spend, it is for the parents and the near of kin and the orphans and the needy and the wayfarer, and whatever good you do, Allah surely knows it. 004.036 And serve Allah and do not associate any thing with Him and be good to the parents and to the near of kin and the orphans and the needy and the neighbor of (your) kin and the alien neighbor, and the companion in a journey and the wayfarer and those whom your right hands possess; surely Allah does not love him who is proud, boastful; 006.151 Say: Come I will recite what your Lord has forbidden to you-- (remember) that you do not associate anything with Him and show kindness to your parents, and do not slay your children for (fear of) poverty-- We provide for you and for them-- and do not draw nigh to indecencies, those of them which are apparent and those which are oncealed, and do not kill the soul which Allah has forbidden except for the requirements of justice; this He has enjoined you with that you may understand. 017.023 And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) "Ugh" nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word. 017.024 And make yourself submissively gentle to them with compassion, and say: O my Lord! have compassion on them, as they brought me up (when I was) little. 031.014 And We have enjoined man in respect of his parents-- his mother bears him with faintings upon faintings and his weaning takes two years-- saying: Be grateful to Me and to both your parents; to Me is the eventual coming. Moreover we are even supposed to obey and be dutifull to our parents if they are non muslim unless they ask us to do shirk or make someone equivalent to Allah Subhan Wa Tallah as it's mentioned in following mentioned verse: 031.015 And if they contend with you that you should associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them, and keep company with them in this world kindly, and follow the way of him who turns to Me, then to Me is your return, then will I inform you of what you did— Now if someone turns his back towards commands of Allah Subhan Wa Tallah then what is the status of such a person in Islam is also mentioned in Quran and hadith as follows: 046.017 And he who says to his parents: Fie on you! do you threaten me that I shall be brought forth when generations have already passed away before me? And they both call for Allah's aid: Woe to you! believe, surely the promise of Allah is true. But he says: This is nothing but stories of the ancients. 046.018 These are they against whom the word has proved true among nations of the jinn and the men that have already passed away before them; surely they are losers. Sahih Bukhari: Volume 3, Book 48, Number 821: Narrated Anas: The Prophet was asked about the great sins He said, "They are:-- (1 ) To join others in worship with Allah, (2) To be undutiful to one's parents. (3) To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murdering). (4) And to give a false witness." I think what ever I have mentioned so far nobody disagree with it ....(I hope so ...:)) the confusion what some people have is about it's practical implementation either they should be living with husband and wife? or wife has right to live alone? or it's duty of husband only to take care of his parents etc I idealize following mentioned hadith which shows complete structure of a ideal Islamic family and also shows the priority what should be there within family members: Volume 3, Book 34, Number 418: Narrated Ibn 'Umar: The Prophet said, "While three persons were walking, rain began to fall and they had to enter a cave in a mountain. A big rock rolled over and blocked the mouth of the cave. They said to each other, 'Invoke Allah with the best deed you have performed (so Allah might remove the rock)'. One of them said, 'O Allah! My parents were old and I used to go out for grazing (my animals). On my return I would milk (the animals) and take the milk in a vessel to my parents to drink. After they had drunk from it, I would give it to my children, family and wife. One day I was delayed and on my return I found my parents sleeping, and I disliked to wake them up. The children were crying at my feet (because of hunger). That state of affairs continued till it was dawn. O Allah! If You regard that I did it for Your sake, then please remove this rock so that we may see the sky.' So, the rock was moved a bit. The second said, 'O Allah! You know that I was in love with a cousin of mine, like the deepest love a man may have for a woman, and she told me that I would not get my desire fulfilled unless I paid her one-hundred Dinars (gold pieces). So, I struggled for it till I gathered the desired amount, and when I sat in between her legs, she told me to be afraid of Allah, and asked me not to deflower her except rightfully (by marriage). So, I got up and left her. O Allah! If You regard that I did if for Your sake, kindly remove this rock.' So, two-thirds of the rock was removed. Then the third man said, 'O Allah! No doubt You know that once I employed a worker for one Faraq (three Sa's) of millet, and when I wanted to pay him, he refused to take it, so I sowed it and from its yield I bought cows and a shepherd. After a time that man came and demanded his money. I said to him: Go to those cows and the shepherd and take them for they are for you. He asked me whether I was joking with him. I told him that I was not joking with him, and all that belonged to him. O Allah! If You regard that I did it sincerely for Your sake, then please remove the rock.' So, the rock was removed completely from the mouth of the cave." Now if someone says that man can still serve them by living in seperate house or he can pay them certain money every month or they might be able to support themselves so even no need of it. What I understand from upper mentioned verses of Quran and hadiths is that it depends on parents how they want us to serve them since according to Quran we are not supposed to disobey them regarding anything unless they ask us to do shirk and make someone equivalent to Allah Subhanwa Tallah. Rest Allah knows the best .... Jazakallah Khair [wlm] |
| 05/29/03 at 07:12:00 |
| faisalsb |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| nouha |
| 05/29/03 at 11:02:24 |
| [slm] bulwark.... what i mean by 'see what happens' is just see if the families get along, talk things through stuff like that. as for combatible... yea it was a typo..and the funny thing is ..im arab lol wasalam nouha:) |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| Caraj |
| 05/29/03 at 11:59:56 |
| I sure don't want to sound negative but my exper living with in-laws was a nightmare. But it is not that way with a situations. My mother-in-law tried to over take my duties as a mom to my son and my father-in-law (hubby's stepdad) was meaner than a ??????? Well can't think of a proper name let's just say he was flat out mean. >:( My advice. 1) Get to know them, dinner is a great start. 2) See if you can spend a day with his Mom, just the two of you and don't be afraid to ask her questions. If possible and you live close by do this more than once. 3) Find out IN ADVANCE what will be expected of you as to household duties, etc. 4) If you can see how the household is set up. Is she extreamly clean? Is she mellow and relaxed? And most importantly, how far apart are the bedrooms? Is there going to be privacy enough for not only things married people do, (not to be crude) but is there even enough privacy between rooms to talk if you need to with your possible future husband without others hearing? 5) I would agree to set a limit on the living with in-laws. 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? if all goes well one can always alter this plan. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and where you do your most adjusting to one another. Having to do this and adjust to two other people in the household (in-laws) I would think would make this transition even harder. Can you be yourself or will you have to be on your guard? Lastly, always keep the lines of communication open. Remember you and your future Mother-in-law have a very important common bound and interest, his best interest (future hubby's) I should do a post on what happened between my daughter-in-law and I over the last 5 years. Maybe I will. I wish you the best. Just make sure all cards are on the table sort to speak. Let everyones expectations be known before not after if possible. |
| Re: Living with inlaws? |
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| jannah |
| 05/31/03 at 02:34:56 |
| [slm] As requested, I asked another Imam in our community about this topic (br djafar) and he advises that the sister try to find out what kind of brother he is and how good a Muslim he is. He pointed out that if the brother is a very good Muslim he will always protect the rights of his wife and if she has to live with her in laws, it is the husband that plays the major part in if it's workable or miserable. He said that the brother wanting to take care of his parents is a good sign that he cares for his family. He also said that the sister should make sure she explain clearly what she expects from marriage and what things are a priority for her so that he understands these will not change after marriage. And lastly he said it's such an important decision to make about marriage, because you are not only choosing your companion in this life, but your companion in jannah as well. |
| 05/31/03 at 14:02:28 |
| jannah |
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