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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/26/03 at 22:09:41 |
| Salam, Okay, so I am extremmmmely shy. And that is a good quality for some. But what does one do when one there is an overdose and being shy is interfering with every aspect of one's life. and in a bad way. I have just started working, and have already received warnings from my manager that I am not cooperating with the rest of the group. Its definitely not that I dont want to work, or know not how to work. I just feel embarassed to go and talk to my peers. Whenever I have to report to someone, I leave it for the thirteenth hour, becuase this feeling of bashfulness overwhelms me. Not to say that ppl who work with me are not nice. They are super-nice people, very cooperative and understanding. But how long can they stand this lack of cooperation on my part? When guests are over, then its curfew-time for me. I just bolt myself in a room, pretending to sleep or study, because it takes gutts to greet the guests ya. Sometimes it gets as much as I have to tell my mother to tell my male-cook to cook so and so for me, because I am shy to confront him myself. I have tried thinking about it, and constantly pep-talk myself into being more confident. But on most occassions i meet with disappointment. :( My parents are out-going. Siblings get along with anyone and everyone like a house on fire. Wonder what's wrong with me?? I have a handful of very close friends, but then that's it. Any time we go to a party, or a gathering, while my friends are jammin' with the rest of the crowd, you'll see a person standing helplessly and nervously in one corner, and that's got to be me. I have just moved to a new place. So i have no friends here. And this timidity in me is just threatening my social-life. Cant open my mouth, cant look a person in the eye, and CANNOT start a decent conversation. It's not that I dont have stuff to talk about. Only that I am shy to talk about stuff. Feel hopeless about myself. Any help would be greatly appreciated. may Allah (SWT) reward you all. JazakAllah Khayr |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| Emerald |
| 05/26/03 at 22:21:44 |
| I wish I can help ya sis, unfortunately I'm in the same situation you are. BUT, and this is just a thought, is it maybe you don't find anything similar to the people you are around and therefore are unable to communicate with them OR just straight out shy and need awhile to get used to them ?? Oh, btw, YOU'VE GOT A MALE COOK??? Lucky you! I wish I could have someone to cook for me! :'( .....You see, you gotta always look on the bright side of things! ;) |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| Nomi |
| 05/27/03 at 06:29:11 |
| [slm] [quote]When guests are over, then its curfew-time for me. I just bolt myself in a room....... Any time we go to a party, or a gathering, while my friends are jammin' with the rest of the crowd, you'll see a person standing helplessly and nervously in one corner [/quote] hey i do that too and i'm a MALE :) infact i "now" avoid going to places where people are jammin but there was a time in my life when i jammed the most among my friends !!!, but things change ... [quote]cant look a person in the eye [/quote] same is the case here when it comes to opposite gender :) So i think things arn't that bad as you are thinking of them, i think its just your company that made you think on these lines, i mean every one around you is very much out spoken and u r not but that to me is ok, i think its just the extra bit of hayya in you and thats good :) [quote] I have just started working, and have already received warnings from my manager [/quote] Now its another topic that in what circumstances ladies should start working, islamically speaking i think if you are being provided for then there is no need to work unless you are doing it for dawah purposes by being a "doctor" or a "teacher" for females or kids But you can always ask your male-cook to prepare something for you, so i think its the only thing that is wrong with you :) [slm] A brother in islaam |
| 05/27/03 at 06:42:06 |
| Nomi |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| theOriginal |
| 05/27/03 at 07:09:00 |
| [slm] Do something practical about it. Take a public speaking course. You don't need to talk a lot, in fact, I believe that should be avoided completely...but you need to be able to speak effectively and concisely. Okay as for your work-related issues: If you feel uncomfortable in a group, it's okay...tackle people individually. Use e-mail for even the TEEEEEEEENIEST correspondance. 'Could I talk to you at your earliest convenience.' That way they'll come to search for you. Trust me, it works. Don't leave things for the 13th hour, unless it looks like you've been working a lot. I just re-read your post, and I realized that you don't necessarily work in an OFFICE environment. The non-office environment is a perfect environment to UNshy yourself! If you deal with customers, that's so cool. Try this line next time one of them snaps at you (because they will!): They don't pay me enough to care. Haha..okay that reminds me of my Starbucks days. heh. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| sofia |
| 05/27/03 at 13:15:38 |
| As-salaamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullah, I was thinking about this the other day, about how shyness or bashfulness/hayaa' is not really looked well upon these days. It's usually seen as a sign of weakness, unfortunately (except in some traditional societies). In an "ideal" Muslim society, hayaa' is a part of fitrah and is a thing encouraged, for men and for women. Even so, hayaa' should not hinder someone from gaining knowledge or doing good or greeting others, etc. Aishah (r) once described the Ansaari women, saying, "shyness does not keep them from getting an understanding of the religion." There was a bashful man who was complained of by others during the Prophet's (S) time. When he heard of it, the Prophet (S) rebuked his complainers and said, "Leave him be, for hayaa' is part of faith." (Bukhaari) Women normally have more hayaa' by nature (regardless of how much it's diminishing in the West). It's a protective feature in most situations, alhamdulillah, and something most of us are born with. It's esp. manifest for both genders around the adolescent years. It's sad when we (collectively) rid ourselves of it to some degree. In some cases, it seems to be due to an unconscious effort (due to work, society, culture, etc), and in other cases, it seems forced. If for ex, the sahabah were entertaining male guests, I would think it would be normal and *not rude* for their wives to want to chill in another room/section of the house. It's part of a woman's fitrah, to cover and protect our hayaa'. Allahu A'lim. The Prophet (S) once asked his daughter, Fatimah (r), something like what the most beloved thing to a believing woman or best virtue was. She said: "to not see or be seen by (non-mahrem) men." He (S) laughed and said something to the effect of, "Like father, like daughter." The Prophet, himself, (S) rarely stared anyone in the eye due to his hayaa' (definitely not at women), and was himself a relatively "shy" person who was "forced" into doing da'wah publically because it was a direct command of God (he used to meditate in a cave by himself for days to get away from society before this, subhan'Allah. If it were up to him, he would have probably kept to himself. Allahu A'lim). All this, and he had the strength of 40 men and the ability to change a corrupt society within a few years, by the will of God. Now contrast that with the Western concept (which is spreading) that one must have a firm handshake, direct eye-contact, and "talk the talk" to be taken seriously and "get ahead." Although these are generalizations, you get the point. Although hayaa' is characteristic of Islaam, it's also a characteristic of other Abrahamic faiths. Mary/Maryam, mother of Jesus (upon him be peace), was all about hayaa' and is described in the Qu'raan as the best of women. Besides her many other virtures, she was rarely around men who were not related to her. The Prophet(S) also said something like: "hayaa' beautifies and improves everything it touches. Lewdness does not appear in anything except that is blemishes it." [Disclaimer: By no means is a woman considered "lewd" if she is in public, I hope I haven't put that idea across. These are just accounts of higher stations of hayaa' that today, may be considered strange, but shouldn't be. Allahu A'lim. Also, shyness should not restrain us from greeting other Muslims, from spreading the truth, from doing good acts for or helping others, from learning, from upholding good/forbidding evil, etc etc.] If the issue is actually about having the confidence to speak to same-sex peers, sorry for the tangent. That's kind of a different story, and there's already better advice given. :) I'd also suggest checking out the local masjid for friends, inshaa'Allah. Sometimes, when social ties are based on faith (learning together rather than just hangin out with "born Muslims") it's a lot easier to "get along," alhamdulillah. May Allah make it easy for you. |
| 05/27/03 at 13:19:31 |
| sofia |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| Nomi |
| 05/27/03 at 17:46:04 |
| [slm] all mashAllah a wonderful reply by sister sofia, it covered everything as Abu_Hamza once said [quote]hayya was once something admired[/quote] wassalam a brother in islaam |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| kingzdaughter1 |
| 05/27/03 at 21:09:43 |
| Hi Anon, :) I hesitated to respond after you received a Spiritual reply, but hey, you can accept or reject what's in the rest of the post. well I can't say I understand your problem, because I am your exact opposite. ;) I can happily chat with complete strangers. some of the best weddings I've gone to was when I didn't know a single person in the room (except the bride ofcourse) ;D I love talking and I love people, and if you hadn't figured it out, I'm not shy at all. But I was always like that, since I could learn to talk. so rest assured, no one expects you to change and do a 180 degree turn. and most of all, no one *wants* you to change, because that's what makes you YOU. But things like asking your cook for food or your work mates... hey grab a seat and a [] I have a lot of shy friends and I know a lot of shy children. Usually no matter how shy they are, they have a handful of people they talk easily to, for e.g. their parents, 1 or 2 close friends, cousins etc. (although outside that group they would even have trouble talking to their aunties or uncles) If that sounds like you, take it slowly, talk to one person you would not usually talk to. I'm not talking about complete strangers, but someone nice who you know will respond to you. It will give you confidence and you'll realize it's not so bad. practice saying good morning to the mirror. just look at the mirror, smile and say 'salam'. you'll get to a stage where you won't even realize your saying it. then approach one of your relatives or a muslimah you know in your community. start in the least threatening atmosphere to you as possible. after salam/good morning say something general like ''boy it's sunny/cold/raining/windy- i love/hate the [insert weather here] do you like this weather?'' don't get into a long conversation or start topics because if you're as shy as you say, you'll get very uncomfortable and will curse the day you read this post... you say your co workers are nice- when you're ready, approach one and just say 'hi, how are you? how are you finding work?' a question that will get them talking for a while. even if you just start with 'good morning' when you go to work, will be a good starting point now, as for the cook, as soon as you read this post, go straight to your cook and say 'salam [insert name] could you please make me a glass of orange juice?' smile and add 'thank you' and that's it :P seriously though anon- shyness is a beautiful quality. if it's making you uncomfortable though, pray that Allah makes things easier on you and you yourself, just practice. I hope no one is offended or upset by anything I've written- I apologize in advance if you want to talk more, please feel free to e mail me at kingzdaughter_no1@hotmail.com |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| Nomi |
| 05/28/03 at 12:10:29 |
| [quote] I hope no one is offended or upset by anything I've written- I apologize in advance [/quote] why would anyone be offended by ur post, it was so kind mashAllah :) Happy learning-islaam kingadaughter... may Allah help you in your study, ameen Asim Zafar |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| AbdulJalil |
| 10/10/03 at 00:54:45 |
| Assalamu alaikum Anonymous are u still there?? i would like to talk to you Inshallah: shyorshy@yahoo.com i might be in same situation as you. |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| knowledge_seeker |
| 10/25/03 at 11:07:54 |
| [slm] Wow your so like me :) I know it's hard sometimes especially when people imply there is something wrong with you because you are not "chatty" enough but lets face it, we shy peoples are cools ;D and might I add, so mysterious :D Seriously though, I do pray that you find some nice freinds in your new area inshaAllah and you can always come online to spend time with us internet muslims inshaAllah :) |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| Spirit_Soul |
| 10/25/03 at 14:12:40 |
| To remove shyness, there is a religious way to get rid of shyness. Just look at every one as a child of God, then just think of yourself as not as a girl, but just as one of the children of God, it might work. It did some what for me... I am shy too to some extent in my life. |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| timbuktu |
| 10/26/03 at 01:52:55 |
| [slm] looks like many kindred souls here. at one stage i tried to overcome my shyness by being bold, but inside i still wanted to hide myself in a room. today, i head an organisation. i am supposed to meet people, charm them, make speeches & presentations, & the like, but i hate it, specially with people my age or older or at similar status. but childern, i just love talking to them. You give me younger people with problems, i make friends with them. give me a grown-up with he same problems & headaches i have got; i don't want to know them. so this is a tussle. Life rounds off our square edges; a little damage is done, but the world limps along with us. & if we do not let that happen - misery & loneliness & failure. Work & marriage are things in which we have to accomodate others & society. So, be firm with yourself. & start taking an interest in others. At work, focus on the problem - it has to be solved, even if it means going to the boss & telling him your progress. does it make sense? |
| Re: Shy, shy-er, shy-est.:( |
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| mollysarah |
| 10/26/03 at 05:21:19 |
| Assalam alaikum, I too suffer from shyness. Islam is the cure. Prophet Mohamed gave us the perscription of how to behave, talk, act, think, treat people, and our roles as servants to God (not to humanity). Islam teaches us good manners, patientce, perserverance, humility, kindness, generousity, charity. With all these virtues and Hadiths as our codes of living, we become living examples of Islam for people to see, and they recognize the Truth. It is okay to be shy. Sometimes it is okay to stand still and remain silent, even if difficult or awkward. I think the more you read and learn about Prophet Mohamed's life, Hadith, and way he dealt with people- you will strive to attain this highest standard of behavior- YOur eman will improve and you will find peace with yourself and your role with others. May Allah guide you. Molly |
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