Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

A R C H I V E S

Unfriendly Muslims

Madina Archives


Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

Unfriendly Muslims
Emerald
05/30/03 at 00:21:11
[slm]

I don't mean to be judgemental but why is it that the majority of the Muslim women I meet ( dunno about the brothers) are unfriendly/snobby?! First off I've never grown up around Muslims even though I'm a Muslimah. I never attended the mosque and always kept to myself. Now as an adult I feel the need to be around other Muslims. Anyway, every sister I say salam to doesn't smile back and replies in the lowest voice possible - like she's afraid of showing who she is. I used to think that maybe I didn't seem cheerful enough so I started saying salam deeply from my heart with a big smile on my face. That didn't help. So now I'm thinking it's either me or they're just plain snobby. The thing is, it's not like that when I say salam to the sisters who have converted to Islam! What's up with that?!

Well I just wanted to vent a little and speak my mind cause this thing has ticked me off for years and is why I don't even bother making friends with Muslimahs unless they're converts. I also want to know if there are others who have sensed the same thing.

Emerald
( I brought this topic up because I came across an unfriendly sis today)
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
Caraj
05/30/03 at 00:56:40
Emerald, sorry about your unfortunate experiences today and at other times. I too have experienced this, as when I come across a sister and greeted them I have had them look at me like I was crazy. But I have met many very nice sisters who were eager to talk after I spoke to them.

This is not just between sisters, I just came home after a couple months away and I am ready to leave again. There is such a difference going from one part of the US to the other. Where I visited (3 different states) in grocery stores women would say hi to one another, play and talk to babies  and kids and men  hold the door for a woman and such. I have only been home a week and in the local stores if you say hi they look at you like, "who the heck are you"

I find many (not all) in the Pacific NW very rude and unless you are a skinny young thing showing lots of skin you're proably going to get a door in the face and Oklahoma, Wyoming and Nebraska they are so much more friendlier.

When you want to be friendly and someone looks at you like you're crazy or doesn't respond it is hurtful isn't it? Kind of like a slap in the face. But I try hard not to take it to personally.  Humans >>>   ::)
05/30/03 at 11:49:42
Caraj
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
UmmWafi
05/30/03 at 01:19:26
[slm]

Does anyone here have any idea how many unfriendly people there are in this whole wide world populated with billions of people, including our very own selves ?  

Just wondered.

Wassalam
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
bhaloo
05/30/03 at 01:22:20
[slm]

Unfriendly Muslims? ???  The masjid I go to for the zuhr prayer, the brothers there are friendly, we exchange greetings and ask about each other.  Its nice.  :)  Do any of you believe the sisters on here are unfriendly?  If so which ones?  :P   No, I'm not talking about the akhwat cafe where we have some brother getting beaten up by the sisters on a weekly basis (this week its Mr. Bean.   :D  )
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
a_Silver_Rose
05/30/03 at 01:23:07
[slm]

well once there were complaints at our masjid (that some sisters didnt get greeted, smiled at ect)
so what they did was have one sister personally volunteer during each jummah (come on time) and smile and greet everyone who came in (she would also show directions to people who were new and didnt know where prayer room was) so I thought that was really nice
Maybe you can try that at your masjid, insh'Allah

May Allah (swt) help us all be freindly to each other. Ameen.

take care
your sister
05/30/03 at 01:26:44
a_Silver_Rose
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
BUSHRA
05/30/03 at 07:03:03
[slm],

When I first started wearing hijab  :-)(around the same time my son started nursery :)), I observed that every muslimah in sight would walk over and say salaams to my friend, at this point I wasn't aware of the hadith regarding the virtues of passing salaams and being in Allah's mercy(SWT). Once I became aware of these virtues, I realized how rude and ignorant  ::)I had been before :( and tried to make ammends by greeting almost every muslimah who passed my way. At first, I felt shy :-X, I wasn't sure if they would respond in the same way or return my greeting, so I woud say [slm] in a low voice. If they heard they would reply but as it happened most didn't hear me. After a little practice, my confidence grew and I was able to greet in a 'NORMAL' way.

I guess my point is , don't lose heart if someone doesn't reply back to you -----------------------------maybe they're just shy :-*

Bushra.
05/30/03 at 07:07:12
BUSHRA
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
salaampeaceshalom
05/30/03 at 07:12:04
[slm] sis,

don't take it to heart.  There are  many reasons why they may not say salaam back, and there isn't much point in speculating about why.  But from my own personal experience, I feel quite shy, and so I normally wait for someone else to say it to me first, and then I reply.  Weird huh.  Sometimes I have an urge just to greet some one so then I will, or normally if the other perosn feels shy to, we just end up smiling at each other.

I completely disagree with u.  Alhumdulilah I know so many 'muslimahs who are 'born' into a muslim family and they are so so friendly-they are the ones who normally greet me first.

Don't give up hope-at least u know you're being rewarded for each time u greet someone, and maybe they don't know that it's a sin not to return someone's greeting.  My cousin has the same problem u do, but I really don't think u should let it dishearten u.  Especially like I said, u kw that u at least are getting rewarded for greeting them  :)
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
Nistar
05/30/03 at 07:28:32
[slm]

It might also have to do with population.  When I go back to TO, very rarely will a muslimah return my salaams.  But "back home" in K-town, we have such a small population, that when you see a muslimah, you become instant best friends and make sure that new sisters know where the student musalla and masjid are -- and have her introduced to the community.

In larger cities, people have the option of joining communities based upon ethnicity, culture, and ideology -- and may not be accustomed to greeting people outside of that circle.  Not being snobby -- just not used to it.

Of course, it works the other way as well. The running joke between myself and Binah, is that she was too afraid to approach me because she though I would judge her for not wearing hijab  :-)  And I had no idea she was Muslim, until I saw her Allah-calligraphy necklace!

Peace,
Nistar
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
wardah
05/30/03 at 14:19:13

[slm]

its happened to me a few times i've said salaam to someone and they've totally ignored me unless it was that they didn't hear.
Me and my cousin always use to pass some sisters and we be like, you say it, and she says no you say it, and when one of us do end up sayying it and we get no reply we be like  ???
It makes you feel so gutted when they don't reply, but i heard that when you say salaam to someone and they don't reply to you the Angels reply instead, *woww* imagine that
i'll try and find the hadith Inshallah.
so when you're deciding if you should say salaam or not then remember you've got nothing to loose  :-* :-)

[wlm]

Re: Unfriendly Muslims
se7en
05/30/03 at 15:47:12
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

Hmm.. that's so sad to hear sis emerald, especially since from your posts it seems you're from my area.. (though I don't think we've met???)  I always thought our community was pretty welcoming and open and friendly...  perhaps also you should keep in mind that some sisters are just shy.. so maybe they reply in a 'low voice' because they are nervous around a new face.

what masjid did you attend?  feel free to madina message or email [se7en@jannah.org] me if you want to meet/chill with some of the local sisters :)

wasalaamu alaykum :-)
05/30/03 at 15:48:54
se7en
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
saadia
05/30/03 at 22:13:16
[slm]

Sis Emerald, I feel you! I had a really hard time meeting sisters to hang out with or even return a greeting and it's rough. I sympathize with you bc it does hurt when someone responds in a seemingly unfriendly way. The way I've learned to deal is that I don't take it as personally...what I mean is you never know what that other person is like, like other pple said, she may be shy, maybe she's having a rough day or whatever. Just keep up your efforts and insha'Allah you WILL meet some cool sisters by you, if you're in the Albany area, drop me a medina message!   :)
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
Nafisa
05/31/03 at 10:46:11
[slm] Emerald,

[quote]Well I just wanted to vent a little and speak my mind cause this thing has ticked me off for years and is why I don't even bother making friends with Muslimahs unless they're converts. [/quote]

I just felt I needed to address this part.  I think that the unfriendliness can cut both ways as opposed to reverts= friendly, born muslims= standoffish.  

I say this cos my revert friend told me of how when she joined her uni ISOC, she was an unfamiliar face within the group with noone being particularly friendly (she was also in the process of reverting).  She saw a revert muslim there and expected her to give a warm welcome as she would know what it;s like being a revert and all but to her disappointment the revert didn't interact with her at all.  I think this was doubly disappointing for her because she assumed the revert would be friendly and know what it's like to try to become part of something new.  

I've been to talks in new places and the 'born' muslims have been very welcoming and nice making an effort to introduce me to everyone and being very chatty and interested. it just depends on the individual.

I remember at uni, there were quite a few muslimahs about but I think everyone was too shy or something to say salam!  my bro said at his uni, they'd give salams all the time so it's just needs a bit of perserverance and courage for someone to start it off so that in time all the muslims start saying it.  I remember one sister used to pass me say and say salam everytime i saw her.  that was unexpected at first but it was nice.  

I guess it's the lack of effort on the part of others that can be annoying.  I once said salams to this old lady and shook her hand which she had held out.  But when i shook her hand, it was like the limpest handshake ever!  I don't think she even moved a single hand muscle! Okay, so maybe she had like weak hands or summat but at the time i just felt silly for being enthusiastic (cos i ain't usually so forthcoming).  
Greeting Others Grudgingly
Abu_Atheek
06/01/03 at 02:46:57
[slm] Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

[center][color=Blue]GUIDANCE FROM THE PROPHET  [saw][/color]

Greeting Others Grudgingly

[i]By Adil Salahi[/i]
[/center]

Islam encourages its followers to exchange greetings, particularly the greeting of peace, or salam. A Hadith tells us that Salam is one of God's names, and He has chosen it as a greeting for the believers. We will be presently discussing another version of this Hadith. However, it is not unknown in human behavior that some people do not reply to a greeting when one is offered to them. What should our attitude be when we experience such an un-Islamic and uncivilized attitude?

Abdullah ibn Al-Samit reports: "I said to Abu Dharr: 'I passed by Abd Al-Rahman ibn Umm Al-Hakam and offered him the greeting of peace, but he did not reply to me.' He said: 'My nephew, how does that affect you? Someone better than him has replied to you: An angel to his right.'" (Related by Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad).

Let us first ask about the man at the center of this case, Abd Al-Rahman ibn Umm Al-Hakam bint Abu Sufyan. His mother was Mu'awiyah's sister and his father was a man from the Thaqeef tribe called Abdullah ibn Uthman. His uncle, Mu'awiyah gave him several posts, including the governorship of Kufah, but people were displeased with him. Therefore, Mu'awiyah sacked him and said to him: 'Son, I have tried to promote you, but you insist on being hard to sell.' There are other reports which suggest that he was self-centered. Perhaps he felt it beneath his position to be accosted by ordinary people. Hence, he did not reply to greetings. Abu Dharr, a well-known companion of the Prophet consoles the man who greeted him, because he was hurt. He told him that his greeting was certainly returned by an angel, even though he himself did not hear it.

Abu Dharr would not have made such an assertion unless he had heard it from the Prophet. And indeed the Prophet said something to this effect in the following Hadith reported by Abdullah ibn Massoud: "Salam is one of God's names, but He has chosen to place it on earth. Therefore, spread it among you. A man who offers a greeting to others and they reply to him earns a step over them, because he reminded them of the greeting of Salam. If his addressee does not return his greeting, it is returned by someone better than him," (Related by Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, Al-Bayhaqi and others).

This Hadith again confirms that the Islamic greeting uses one of God's names, Salam, which means peace. Thus, it is intended to generate an atmosphere of peace within the Muslim community. Moreover, it earns a reward for the person offering it and the one returning the greeting, because both mention God. If some people grudge returning a greeting, this should not be disheartening or causing any of us to abandon the highly recommended practice of offering greetings to others. He should know that a greeting is always returned, either by the greeted person or by an angel close to him. Moreover, he earns a better position because he is the one who starts, using God's name and reminding others to use it.

But what is the ruling concerning someone who does not reply to greetings? Al-Hassan says: "To offer a greeting is highly recommended, and to return a greeting is obligatory," Thus, a person who does not reply to a greeting fails to do a certain duty. As a result, he makes himself open to God's punishment. Furthermore, such a person is very miserly. In a Hadith reported by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn Al-Aas we have the following definitions: "A confirmed liar is a person who lies against his oath, and a miserly person is the one who begrudges greetings, and a thieving person is one who knocks off his prayers very quickly." (Related by al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad).

This Hadith uses an adjectival form that implies a higher degree of the three qualities it describes. Thus, it speaks of a confirmed liar who does not hesitate to lie. This is when a person lies despite having taken an oath to the contrary. Thus, his assertion flies in his face to condemn him as a confirmed liar. Similarly a person who knocks off his prayers, without allowing himself time to properly fulfill its requirements, aiming to finish it very quickly is described as a thieving person. He actually steals from himself, because in his hurry, he does not give proper attention to the various actions, recitation, glorification and praise of God, which are required in prayer. Hence, he deprives himself of much of the reward he would have earned. Thus, he steals from himself, and who is a worse loser than that? In the middle of these two qualities the Prophet places the one who begrudges others a greeting of peace, either by not replying to their greetings or not offering a greeting when he should. Such a person is on a higher degree of miserliness.

A similar Hadith is reported by Abu Hurayrah: "The most miserly person is the one who begrudges greetings, and the most lacking in ability is one who is unable to pray to God." (Related by Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad).

We note that this Hadith speaks in the superlative degree, condemning one who does not greet others, or does not reply to their greetings, as the most miserly of people. Such a person is placed on a par with one who is unable to pray to God for what he wants. God listens to our prayer, no matter in what language or how clearly stated they are. He knows what we think, say or do. Thus, we only need to appeal to Him, put our request as we would put them to a person with whom we are most familiar. It is a matter of articulating what we feel and need. This is a simple thing that all people, regardless of their degree of education, eloquence or intellectual ability, can easily do. To feel unable to pray to God is certainly a mark of the worst disability.

The Prophet has taught us in every possible way that greeting others is to be praised and rewarded. He used to greet all people including young children. When we follow his example, we do not only follow the right path, but we also earn reward from God. Hence, we should know that greeting children is a commendable action that earns reward for us, in addition to the fact that it teaches these children to be sociable. Thabit Al-Bannani reports that Anas ibn Malik, a companion of the Prophet who was very close to him, passed by young boys and offered the greeting of peace to them. He then said: "The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to do this." (Related by Al-Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawood and Ibn Majah).

A similar Hadith states: "The Prophet used to visit the Ansar, greet their young and pat them on their heads." (Related by Al-Nassaie). This is just another example of the Prophet's care for the young.

[i]Islam in Perspective – Arab News – 07 March 2003[/i]
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
Emerald
06/01/03 at 22:31:43
[slm]  :)

Wow. I'm so glad I got these responses and know that it's not just me! I think what Nistar said is true. That people do have a tendancy to feel comfortable around those from their culture. Maybe that's why some sisters are cold. I also understand that some could be shy because I'm like that. So my post wasn't meant to indicate that all sisters are like that though but that so MANY are. Like in Jersey. But alhamdullilah everyone in here is great! :) Thank you all for your comments.

Se7en...I go to the masjid in Schnectady (when I can). I've wanted to go to the one in Troy but I'm not quite sure where the Jumu'ah prayer is held. I figure there I could meet sisters around my age. (I'm 27  :( )  I just don't feel there are any with the same interests, etc as me in the ICCD.
Re: Unfriendly Muslims
jannah
06/01/03 at 23:55:55
[wlm]

Jumah in Troy is held in the RPI Armory basement at 1:15PM.  However most people just come and pray and then leave.. so it wouldn't be the kind of thing to really meet people...


Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
A R C H I V E S

Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.
The rest © Jannah.Org