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| Sad [situation...] |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/31/03 at 02:53:59 |
| Assalaamu Alaykum... I need help... I became very good friends with a non-mahram Muslim man who I met very coincidentally, in a place I should not have been at. Now before people get me wrong, it wasn?t a bad place, like a club or bar or party or anything?it was some place where a lot of Muslim people go, but where it is easy to be unIslamically social. So, I don?t know why I was there, and I haven?t gone back ever since, but I met this person there. He is almost exactly the same age as me, and it turns out that he knows a girl I go to university with. It was Ramadan, and in a very weird way, this person, whom I will label H, and I really hit it off. He told me that it was Ramadan, and it was pretty depressing that we were there. I agreed, and told him my Ramadan was progressing without as much ibadah as I would like to do, and it was very frustrating. Honestly, it was the worst Ramadan of my life, and I felt like I missed out on something huge. So, he reassured me by saying that I still had time in the last ten days, whereas HE was just lost. And I was just joking, but I asked him if the reason for his pessimism was because he broke his fast on a cigarette and a beer. And, in all sincerity, he replied that he had broken it on weed. I was shocked. And at that moment I should have cracked another joke and moved away, but he was really interesting to talk to. And it obvious he was very intelligent, so we exchanged email addresses, and started corresponding sparingly, through msn and email forwards. We didn?t physically see each other for a very long time afterward, since he attends school in a different city a few hours away. We could talk on Islamic issues as well as just normal every-day stuff. We found out that we have a lot in common, and it was really refreshing to talk to him about things. I realized I was very attracted to him, but I didn?t think of him as anything but a friend. Besides, I had already written him down as too good looking for me, and a big player. He told me a lot of personal stuff, and I guess I did the same, although I had fewer secrets to divulge. He told me how he needed to be a better person, and I really thought I could help him somehow by listening. I know that was a stupid thing to do. Anyway, to make a long story short, we started talking to each other on the phone, and one day, out of the blue, he told me that he was really attracted to me, but that he didn?t want this fact to come in the way of our friendship. He told me that he was going to be in town the week after, and that he wanted to see me. So I made the big mistake of letting him pick me up from home. The original plan was to go to this movie expo that was happening downtown. But that didn?t happen. What ended up happening was us spending more than just a couple of hours (actually 7) in his car talking. Another stupid decision on my part. Everything was normal, until he dropped me back home, when I did the worst thing I could ever have done. I was shocked that he would do what he did, but I don?t think that it was entirely his fault. Minutes afterwards, I got out of his car and left him there. I stopped receiving his calls, I blocked and deleted him off msn, I wrote him one long email explaining why this was such a big deal for me, and called it off?.or so I thought. I don?t think I?ve ever cried more in my life. Anyway, he called me from a private number one day, and I had to pick it up, because my mother usually calls from a private number, and asked me to listen to him. He apologized. He promised it would never happen again, and he said that he needs me to forgive him, because his life is in shambles, and I am the only one who is putting it right. I stuck to my previous decision, and hung up. Two weeks later he called again, telling me he was in desperate need of something. (It?s too complicated to get into)?.Anyway, after I thought about it, I told him he could pick it up on either the Friday (at an MSA dinner, where I would bring it with me), or on the Saturday (at work downtown). Turns out, he couldn?t make it either day because he was sick and because there was a heavy snow storm. So, he HAD to come on Sunday, to my house once again. This time, it was almost exactly a repeat of the first day. But this time, I walked out of his car from the parking lot of a Starbucks, and got on the Public bus to get home. I couldn?t believe myself. I still can?t, really. Anyway, that night I prayed to Allah that no matter what happens, I don?t want to find myself in that situation again, because I am NOT strong enough to stay away from the guy. And we started the whole msn thing again, and the whole phone thing again. One day, he asked me to call him at a certain time, and I was waiting for my bus, praying to Allah to find someway to get me out of this ordeal. When I called, it turned out that his phone had been cut off, because his roommate had forgotten to pay the bill. Then, one day, he had asked if we could see each other again, and we had planned a whole meeting, but his uncle died that morning, and he was unable to make it. I was thankful, sort of, even though I felt really bad. It happened one more time. We were supposed to meet, but we both had emergencies that we could not avoid. Thank God. Anyway it?s been a few months (almost 3) and I have not seen him at all. I need strength to stop calling him and speaking with him, because I feel like I am in a danger zone. Even though he tells me I am nothing more than a friend, and that he had to kiss me on those two occasions because it was ?the natural thing to do?. No one is more hurt in this than me. I do care for him, but not enough to put up with a haraam relationship. I have never even had guy friends before this, and I was on the verge of starting hijaab before I met him. Now I feel like a hypocrite, and I feel like I destroyed everything I had been saving about myself over a guy who I certify is not worth it. I know he will be worth it to someone, but not to me. Asking Allah for forgiveness is only part of it, the other half is the will power to chuck him out of my life completely. To make matters worse, a really pious and good sister, mashallah, wants me to marry her equally good brother. She is so excited about the whole thing, and keeps asking me to let their family come over to visit my family. So far, I have been finding ways to avoid it, because I know it will lead to a personal struggle that I am not strong enough to face. I have not told anyone about H, and I don?t think I will, but I will be unfair if I marry a man who deserves to marry the best. I am so angry at myself. I feel like I hit myself on my knees with a sledge hammer, and that I am paralyzed forever. And as a punishment now I always have to stare down at my feet in order to avoid limping, like a person who was forcefully humbled. I have stopped having discussions on Islam with people; I am not in the position to do so. I also avoid my friends like the plague, because I feel like somehow something is going to leak, and I don?t want to face a bad reputation, for my parents? sake. I feel like I am stumbling blindfolded on a tightrope, and at any second, I?m going to fall off, and lose my imaan forever. I prayed fajr today for the first time in 5 months. And there was the time when I used to be the one who would wake my family up. Please help?.this place is the only connection I feel I have. And if you can, pray for me. |
| Re: Sad [situation...] |
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| faisalsb |
| 05/31/03 at 05:14:33 |
| [slm] Well sister it's simple and straight forward repent to Allah Subhan Wa Tallah and then guard your repentance. For instance you must know why were you at the place where you met that guy first time? If all that mess could be avoided just due to one action which itself was not HARAM? Once you analyze all those problems and is determined not to repeat your mistakes, I am more than sure Sister Allah Subhan Wa Tallah is Ghafoor-ur-Raheem. What I know from my experience it's NEVER too late. May Allah increase your Iman and give you strength to fight with evil. Jazakallah Khair |
| Re: Sad [situation...] |
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| UmmWafi |
| 05/31/03 at 06:13:19 |
| [slm] Dear Sis Anon I hope you are feeling slightly better now than when you first write your post. I am giving you a huge cyber hug so that you know you are not alone :) Dear sister, sometimes when we sit down and think about it, it is amazing the number of things we take for granted and equally amazing is the number of things we think we know. One such thing is the Mercy and Grace of Allah SWT. When I read your post, it seems to me that you are carrying an enormous amount of guilt. I may be wrong but then I read about how you were on the verge of wearing hijab and your feeling on the matter now. I do understand you because feeling not worthy is a feeling I am familiar with. Dear sister, please know one thing. Allah's love for us is unconditional. It is not dependent on any factor because Allah is the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful. Allah promises us His Forgiveness for everything, even the major sins except if we practise shirk. All we have to do is to be very sincere in our repentance. If you have intentions in putting on the hijaab, please, go ahead and do so. For all you know, that piece of cloth could be your saving grace. Perhaps, with that piece of cloth you will think twice abt going to places or doing anything that is outside the boundaries of Islam. Sort your feelings out first dear sister. Do not rush into marriage. Talk to your friend, tell her you are not ready at this point in time. Reflect on your feelings. If you feel that you are attracted to H, ask yourself whether that attraction will eventually lead you to marriage with him or not. If yes, seek ways where both of you can conduct your future in accordance to Allah's Pleasure. If not, then strive to tell yourself this. The love of and for mankind is temporary and passing while the love Allah Bears us is eternal. Be strong and make lots of du'ahs. If you are sincere, Allah will Help you. I will make du'ah that you will be given the hikmah and quwwah to live your life in the best possible Islamic manner. Amin. Wassalam |
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