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Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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mr-bean |
06/02/03 at 12:01:57 |
[slm] Somebody told me: [quote] Umm Mr bean, you most miserably tried to advise girls on how to find a husband. But it really seems like you are the one who needs advising since by your own admission you don't seem to be terribly successful at finding yourself a wife! You're quite the pauper telling a rich man how to spend his money. [/quote] That was very funny, albeit my wounded ego. But instead of quitting while i am ahead (errr rather far behind)...i will give a set of similiarly valuable advices to boys on how to snatch a sister...since like the girls...i'm sure the boys could benefit from my rather supremely beneficial advice... So here goes: (1) Guys: while it might be that girls don't know how to use make-up, most of you, cannot wear your own trousers properly. Do have you any idea how many guys show up at a girls house with their fly completely open? Check to make sure the zipper is up. Make that a double check! It just ain't cool sitting through a 45 minute interview with a girl with...as my dad used to say -- the barn door wide open.... (2) Wear a new pair of socks. When visiting a muslim family, you are likely to be asked to take off your shoes. For some this is a disaster. I mean some guys are so smelly that their socks can qualify as weapon of mass destruction. If you are a really sweaty bro, then right before you go for the interview, change into a new pair of socks, and i don't mean a pair with a massive hole so that your big toe sticks out completely. (3) There is a thing called deoderant. Use it! Some guys insist on going natural. I have no idea why. Maybe they think the natural pheronomes released as they fill the room with their salacious body odor will impress the sister of their manliness. Yes this will definately impress upon her that you are a real man -- since in most girls' minds -- men stink! (4) Brush your teeth and use some sort of mouth wash. Some guys have such bad halitosis that they can kill a horse with single breath. Don't kill your chances like that. If you forgot to brush before coming, just keep your shut, and whenever the sister says anything, just smile. She will probably think you are very docile and innocent and that she can walk all over you if she marries you -- and if you can get a girl to think that about you -- it'll only be another five minutes before she says yes. (5) If you are going to wear a tie, know how to tie a tie. There are so many guys who go to an interview wearing what looks like an overused, wrinkled dinner napkin, with the fat part of the tie hopelessly shorter than the long skinny bit. Showing up with a badly tied tie is apt to make the sister wonder "if the guy is this cluless now -- what's he gonna be like in ten years, when we have two kids and an (islamic) mortgage?" (6) If you are gonna wear western clothes, wear a good suit. And in the unlikely chance that you manage to do that, wear shoes that match your suit!! So many guys show up in a spiffy dark suit wearing light tan-colored hush puppy loafers. Dude, what are people gonna think? I'll tell you what they're gonna think: they're gonna think that you got the suit from the clearance rack at Filene's basement for 40 bucks, but couldn't find a matching set of shoes on the clearance rack -- that's why you're wearing the same set your mom bought you 7 years ago when she sent you off to college. Also a good suit does so much for you. It conveys taste, and affluence. A guy who shows up looking really sharp and smart is gonna make the girl think -- "Yes...this is a guy who can spend money...this is a guy who will take me shopping every other day....yes!...this is the kinda guy i wanna marry." (7) Don't show up late and don't show up on the wrong day! Believe it or not it happens. Set your watch ahead by an hour, and plaster your apartment with post -it notes reminding you of the correct day. (8 ) If you don't know what to say, don't say anything and just smile when people ask you something and just mumble something to yourself that only you can hear. They will think that you are such a polite boy, so shy, so full of hayyaa, and will be so impressed. As a maxim remember: its better to keep your mouth shut, and have everybody think that you are a bit slow, than to open it and to remove all doubt! (9) If you have a visa problem, never mention it. And if you are going to move back to your home country (or planet) never mention it. Always say that you want to marry the sister because she is very pious and wonderful. Never mention a green card. And if she brings it up -- then just pretend you are having a hay fever attack and start sneezing like mad. She is likely to feel sorry for you and forget the question. You can then move onto the next question. (10) Use something a little extra to make your face shine, like some moisturizer. But don't raid your sister's makeup drawer and put on her foundation and rouge thinking its gonna make you you look any better. Believe it or not, it ain't. (Why do some guys do this?!) And don't accidentally put on her lip gloss thinking its just some chap stick. Dudes, what can be more embarrassing than coming across as a pansy or the pious muslim verion of Boy George? (11) If you're fat or overweight, spend the month before in the gym excercising and shedding the extra weight. If it helps, just think about it this way: lose the weight now, and you can exponentially expand like a balloon after you get married. What's the wife gonna do you if you get fat afterwards? Kick you out? She won't be able to do that -- cuz by then you'll be so large that you'll be the immovable object. Try kicking an immovable object outa the door! Now if you're too lazy to excercise, do the following: just suck in your stomach and wear a big belt to really clamp down on it. Now this may be very hard to do for 45 minutes. So every 15 minutes tell the hosts you need to use the toilet. Then run to the toilet and let everything out. You can rest there for a few minutes before you have to suck everything back in and go out and meet the parents again. (12) If the girl is religious, make copoius use of the words: subhanallah, alhumdulillah, allah, jazakum Allahu khairan and anything else remotely islamic. Girls are so impressionable that by using lots of religious words you can make them totally forget that you were a pretty rubbishy muslim untill two weeks ago. (13) Tell the girl that you believe in real islam -- not cultural islam. And tell them that real islam says guys should also cook and clean and not be bothered if the wife goes off for days without end to islamic camps or worshops, etc... (14) Comb your hair and make your beard (if you have one) look presentable. Some guys have so much unruly hair that a four seater sedan can almost get lost in their beard and their hair. Look neat and tidy! (15) It is almost always a disaster for a guy to open his mouth and talk a lot. So keep you mouth shut, and let the sister do all the talking. She has probablly got a million anxieties, and by opening your mouth you're probably going to add to them. So just smile, play the shyful, hayya filled nice boy -- and don't, and i repeat, don't be like Mr. Bean! Finally, before you go to meet the girl and family pray two rakats of nafl and earnestly pray that Allah will prevent you from making a bigger fool out of yourself than is "inevitable." |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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theOriginal |
06/02/03 at 12:56:48 |
[slm] mannn that's funny. Accumulated experience? Wasalaam. |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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Nomi |
06/02/03 at 13:20:28 |
[slm] all Mr. Bean, my buddy, i must say one advice was really gr8 [quote] Finally, before you go to meet the girl and family pray two rakats of nafl and earnestly pray that Allah will prevent you from making a bigger fool out of yourself than is "inevitable." [/quote] mashAllah, and i'm really sorry that a nice guy like you dint know points 1-6 and got rejected so many times :P Those who are from "your plannet" will definitly benefit from points 1-6 :) So even the decietful tactics 12 and 13 dint help you find a match.... aww :P Did you made fun of "the beard" in point 16 ..... Madina Wrestler is gonna get you now :P "A Tie" ? erm... thats something many of us dont feel easy with, wearing it is like one is asking others to hold it and give one a "puppy walk" [i]I mean shirts has its purpose, trouser has its own, can you think of any other purpose of a "tie"?[/i] well if your nose runs then that could be an excuse :P I havn't come across any girl who'll chose a life partner for his humor, if there is any then YOU SURE ARE HER MAN :) Asim Zafar [i]ps: written in humor, no offense intended [/i] |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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Maliha |
06/02/03 at 14:08:06 |
[slm] OMG!!!! you had me CRACKING UP SOOO HARD :-/ :-/ :-/ :-/ This is a CLASSIC:) Mashaallah:) You really covered the bases well :P [quote author=mr-bean link=board=bro;num=1054566118;start=0#0 date=06/02/03 at 12:01:57][slm] (13) Tell the girl that you believe in real islam -- not cultural islam. And tell them that real islam says guys should also cook and clean and not be bothered if the wife goes off for days without end to islamic camps or worshops, etc... [/quote] Any man who does this with a sincere heart, deserves Jannatul Firdaws, and nothing less 8) Sis, Maliha :-) [wlm] |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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Asim |
06/02/03 at 14:13:31 |
Assalaamu alaikum, [quote]"A Tie" ? erm... thats something many of us dont feel easy with, wearing it is like one is asking others to hold it and give one a "puppy walk" I mean shirts has its purpose, trouser has its own, can you think of any other purpose of a "tie"? well if your nose runs then that could be an excuse [/quote] LOL! Thanks for the laugh, Asim, and good line of reasoning! I don't like ties also, they are so.... out of place! Not talking much in a first meeting is good advice. This is not the time to discuss heavy-duty stuff (hijab/niqab, kids, work, living with parents, and even much discussion on Islam). Of course, this is assuming that you are meeting because you found the person appealing. Get the feelers in this meeting. Later on when both parties have given the positive signal you can discuss a few more issues. But, in my experience, keep it simple and straightforward. I have used many questions from the list in the past; in general they are not helpful. They only confuse and raise doubths in your mind. Ask basic qs only (eemaan, desire to improve islamically, commitment to marriage and particularly to an Islamic married life, etc and this too after the first meeting), do a little background, and put your trust in Allah swt. my 2 paisas worth... of ramblings. May Allah bless us all with spouses of piety and good character. Wasalaam. |
06/02/03 at 14:34:24 |
Asim |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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salaampeaceshalom |
06/02/03 at 16:46:50 |
[slm] This was so hilarious dude ;D But the male version wasnt half-way as insulting as the one u put in the sisters one . With your sense of humor, I'm surprised you're still single ??? Maybe u should start taking your own advice ;) |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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onemuslimgirl |
06/02/03 at 23:36:40 |
asalaam alakum, That was really funny mr. bean...don't worry you will find someone who will marry you for you, and will love your sense of humor. Too bad you don't live in the u.s., i have some friends who would have been great potentials. take care, and don't let anyones joking about you bother you too much. they all just like to play. w'salaam. |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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theOriginal |
06/03/03 at 04:20:49 |
[slm] Basically we can sum up all those rules into one, since I know most guys phase out when they see long reading material: 1) Don't be yourself. Wasalaam. |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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Shahida |
06/03/03 at 06:43:48 |
[slm] Hehe, funny thread! I just wanted to add that Mr Bean, several of your points raised would have helped some of the brothers who came to propose to me and my sisters over the years...I call them "Proposals from Hell!" ... :'( socks, deoderant, mouth wash, and CLEAN clothes would have helped a lot...that white dishdash/kurta just doesnt look the same after yo've worn it a few times wihtout washing it...sub7anAllah... :'( Salam Shahida |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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bhaloo |
06/03/03 at 22:56:52 |
[slm] [quote author=JustOne link=board=bro;num=1054566118;start=0#7 date=06/03/03 at 04:20:49] [slm] Basically we can sum up all those rules into one, since I know most guys phase out when they see long reading material: 1) Don't be yourself. Wasalaam.[/quote] Rules? ??? Hardly. This is another hillarious post of Mr. Bean's real life experiences. I'm guessing most of them are his own personal experiences. :P Hopefully the yellow teeth and zipper business isn't his. |
06/03/03 at 22:57:41 |
bhaloo |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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ikani |
06/04/03 at 06:45:38 |
[quote author=Asim link=board=bro;num=1054566118;start=0#4 date=06/02/03 at 14:13:31]Assalaamu alaikum, LOL! Thanks for the laugh, Asim, and good line of reasoning! I don't like ties also, they are so.... out of place! Not talking much in a first meeting is good advice. This is not the time to discuss heavy-duty stuff (hijab/niqab, kids, work, living with parents, and even much discussion on Islam). Of course, this is assuming that you are meeting because you found the person appealing. Get the feelers in this meeting. Later on when both parties have given the positive signal you can discuss a few more issues. But, in my experience, keep it simple and straightforward. I have used many questions from the list in the past; in general they are not helpful. They only confuse and raise doubths in your mind. Ask basic qs only (eemaan, desire to improve islamically, commitment to marriage and particularly to an Islamic married life, etc and this too after the first meeting), do a little background, and put your trust in Allah swt. my 2 paisas worth... of ramblings. May Allah bless us all with spouses of piety and good character. Wasalaam.[/quote] [slm] You got that right! I don't like ties either (don't even wear 'em to work, thank God). Heh-heh, I think I'm going to have to really think about "what's wrong with me?" 'cos I don't even seem to be making any effort to "find a girl". It's seems I'm either too busy with computers or something in my mind keeps telling me "you're not programmed to do that just now". Many of my friends have taken off with some ladies and gotten married already, sort of leaving me behind to join a new club.... yes, well, I'll get them..... I remember girls thinking I was some kind of freak back during the days of co-ed school (and the way I keep watching The Mask cartoons these days, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not). When I was working with an ISP, my boss angered me by pressuming I was gay for being the only guy not being visited by girlfriends at the office (after that I began to admire Bruce Willis' cold killer's attitude in The Jackal movie). Anyway, when it's time to get hitched I believe Allah will lead me to the right mademoiselle... and I'll be sure to keep my socks clean and not wear a green mask. ;) |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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Tesseract |
06/04/03 at 13:36:21 |
Assalamu 'alaikum, [quote](1) Guys: while it might be that girls don't know how to use make-up, most of you, cannot wear your own trousers properly. Do have you any idea how many guys show up at a girls house with their fly completely open? Check to make sure the zipper is up. Make that a double check! It just ain't cool sitting through a 45 minute interview with a girl with...as my dad used to say -- the barn door wide open.... (2) Wear a new pair of socks. When visiting a muslim family, you are likely to be asked to take off your shoes. For some this is a disaster. I mean some guys are so smelly that their socks can qualify as weapon of mass destruction. If you are a really sweaty bro, then right before you go for the interview, change into a new pair of socks, and i don't mean a pair with a massive hole so that your big toe sticks out completely. (5) If you are going to wear a tie, know how to tie a tie. There are so many guys who go to an interview wearing what looks like an overused, wrinkled dinner napkin, with the fat part of the tie hopelessly shorter than the long skinny bit. Showing up with a badly tied tie is apt to make the sister wonder "if the guy is this cluless now -- what's he gonna be like in ten years, when we have two kids and an (islamic) mortgage?" (6) If you are gonna wear western clothes, wear a good suit. And in the unlikely chance that you manage to do that, wear shoes that match your suit!! So many guys show up in a spiffy dark suit wearing light tan-colored hush puppy loafers. Dude, what are people gonna think? I'll tell you what they're gonna think: they're gonna think that you got the suit from the clearance rack at Filene's basement for 40 bucks, but couldn't find a matching set of shoes on the clearance rack -- that's why you're wearing the same set your mom bought you 7 years ago when she sent you off to college. Also a good suit does so much for you. It conveys taste, and affluence. A guy who shows up looking really sharp and smart is gonna make the girl think -- "Yes...this is a guy who can spend money...this is a guy who will take me shopping every other day....yes!...this is the kinda guy i wanna marry." [/quote] Make ur life easy guys, just wear a thaub (dress that Arabs wear) :). And, if I would be kicked out for NOT wearing a suit, I would really thank them for making my life even easier. I, persoanlly, don't believe in wearing suits when u are going to see ur prospective partner. Maybe it'll work for others. [quote](3) There is a thing called deoderant. Use it! Some guys insist on going natural. I have no idea why. Maybe they think the natural pheronomes released as they fill the room with their salacious body odor will impress the sister of their manliness. Yes this will definately impress upon her that you are a real man -- since in most girls' minds -- men stink![/quote] Use 'Itr. I prefer it over deoderant things. What do u say Mr. Bean (The official advisor these days on How-to-look-presentable-when-u-go-to-see-prospective-partner :))? j/k Wassalam. |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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Mujahidah |
06/04/03 at 17:43:57 |
AsA, haha :D, that was hilarious Mr bean...jazak! I'm sure u'l find ur self a nice wife...i bet u get sum1 REALY serious cos the comediant usually do ;D ...hehe. Hope u wer not mockin the ;-) ...cos beard is someting impt :P [quote author=Bulwark of Islam link=board=bro;num=1054566118;start=0#11 date=06/04/03 at 13:36:21] Use 'Itr. I prefer it over deoderant things. [/quote] Whats Itr??? Jazak |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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a_Silver_Rose |
06/05/03 at 00:18:54 |
[slm] years back in sunday school a girl asked the teacher why men are aloud to wear perfume out and woman cant, the teacher replied because men smell bad :D so they need to wear it... you have an awesome sense of humor Mr. Bean if you dont mind may I add a few suggestions (from experience): I agree on being presentable. Dont come with something that you would just wear anywhere. I mean you dont have to wear a suit but dress up a little nice to show that you care. Dont think that just because I have a good family they will accept me. Ask a few questions that are important to you to show that you care and that you have a mind of your own. Dont think that oh my parents like her then she must be good. this is not necessarily true. It seems like that the only reason you were needed to be there to see if she is attracted to you, just to see how she looks. be yourself and be honest. [quote]Finally, before you go to meet the girl and family pray two rakats of nafl and earnestly pray that Allah will prevent you from making a bigger fool out of yourself than is "inevitable." [/quote] Mash'Allah excellent advice. [quote]May Allah bless us all with spouses of piety and good character[/quote] Ameen suma Ameen |
Re: Male version of "What's wrong with me?" |
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imaan |
06/05/03 at 07:20:05 |
This is def. a funny post- but good cos u find out what guys really think- ( erm...when they do- ;)) o.k. my minimal contribution is- dnt wear a suit- it gives a too much of a 'try-hard' image- be presentable, but sure that can be achieved without the suit n tie. and def. b yourself- cos u want the person to marry you for who your really are, and not how you can 'act'. n Mr Bean- u are so funny, i hpe u find sum1 that appreciates ure sense of humour ;D |
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