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What Makes a True Man

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What Makes a True Man
a_Silver_Rose
06/07/03 at 02:10:08
[slm]

[color=Blue][center]What Makes a True Man
By: Anees Siddiqui
Taken from the Muslim Students' Association of University of Houston
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[color=Blue][i]She lays on the ground, bleeding, broken. The shadow of her attacker recedes in the darkness, followed by the tattered remnants of her security and honor. Blood has replaced her tears, and harsh pain has choked the cries from her throat. Bruises cover her body, but none scar her so deep as the one on her heart. There she lays, your sister, a Muslim. She is alone, and when the strength to rise returns to her she will pull herself up, alone. She will wash and bandage her wounds. Then humbly, meekly apologize to her attacker, her husband.

She is your sister, my people, and she is shunned by us all. She is the victim of an ummah that does not understand: the prey of a man that feels baseball bats is the Sunnah of our Beloved Prophet (Sal Allah alehi wasalam). "Men are the maintainers and protectors of the women, because Allah has given more (strength) to one then the other, and because they support them from their means." (Nisa:34).

There is a great injustice that has reared its head in the homes of many Muslims. It is an injustice that destroys people like the worst of tyranny. Oppression, suppression, and ultimately repression are the result of this horrid fact, and it is a fact. However, more often than not, we find ourselves forgetting its very existence and eventually denying its reality. This tyranny is not just the battery of women; rather, it is a precursor to that abuse. It is the blatant disregard for the foundation of marriage that The Most Wise has prescribed.

It may seem that the above statement is contradicted by reality. We are bombarded by letters, articles, speeches, and books about marriage and the rights that the parties receive as a result of this union. However, more often than not, there is a conspicuous lack of emphasis placed on the rights that a wife is entitled to receive due to the marriage. This void in our understanding, in the understanding of men, readily translates itself into the gruesome accounts that we hear regarding battery from all over the Muslim world. Perhaps, then, it is more our fault that this tyranny is occurring. Perhaps, we are the ones to blame for not disseminating the knowledge, the freedom. Perhaps, rather, when we spread the word of our Lord we will see a change, "Men are the maintainers and protectors of the women, because Allah has given more (strength) to one then the other, and because they support them from their means." (Nisa: 34).

In confronting the question of what responsibilities men, in fact, owe to women, it is found that this ayat embodies the Islamic answer: "Men are the maintainers and protectors of the women." It is so simple. In marriage, it is the OBLIGATION of the man, the right that the wife can legally enforce on her spouse, to take care of her. He must provide for her food, clothing, education, and all other physical needs of herself and the household. He must protect her in the face of danger. He must act as a father to the children. If he does not do these things, then it is a more than sufficient grounds for a divorce. These are the basic rights that are conferred upon the individual when entering a marriage.

It goes deeper.

The Prophet (Sal Allah alehi wasalam) once described women as a delicate ornament vase, and treated them accordingly. This does not mean that he looked down on them. Rather, he maintained them in a deeper sense then the superficial one that we are so familiar with. Maintaining is more than the immense responsibility of providing for the physical needs; rather, it is the gargantuan obligation to provide for the emotional ones.

In addition, the Prophet (Sal Allah alehi wasalam) has said that the best Muslim man is the one who is best to his wife (Bukhari). The ordinance, therefore, is clear and needs to be emphasized. Men are meant to cater to the needs of the wife, and aid whenever possible. Kindness to the wife has been emphasized over and over by Prophet (Sal Allah alehi wasalam). It is even said that putting a morsel of food into the mouth of one’s wife out of love may be viewed as charity.

This is exactly what women should expect of their men. This is what men should expect from themselves. It is the job of the husband to remember that they are, indeed, the captain of the helm, but who would argue that the ship is not of equal importance, if not more important?

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06/10/03 at 00:49:07
a_Silver_Rose
Re: What Makes a True Man
siddiqui
06/07/03 at 02:47:50
[slm]
Jazakallhah khair for an awesome post, its  a sad to see women being treated like that(muslim as well as non muslim) and as the br said this is  a reality which we choose to ignore as individuals and as society

Having taken a course last semester on the prevelance , quantification , recognition  measurement and health effects of intimate partner violence,I understand this problem more acutely and am aware that its more  widesperead  in its subtler forms than ever thought to be

All I have to say to Myself , my muslim brothers and then men in general
Fear Allah swt  for to him we will return and verily our actions will be accounted for

[wlm]

Re: What Makes a True Man
Tesseract
06/07/03 at 03:28:37
Assalamu 'alaikum,

        Unfortunately, my only sister is also a victim of domestic violence. Amazing thing is, my bro-in-law's sisters tell him to beat her, and he does it. What is even more amazing is that my bro-in-law's sisters believe that woman needs to be beaten if she doesn't listen to her husband, and they themselves are beaten by their own husbands, sometimes to the limit that they have evident bruises on their faces, hands and feet, and with all this, their whole family call themselves "educated" just because they have bachelors degrees or whatever. What I can't understand is how a woman who goes through the same pain and difficulties can make another woman suffer it?

Wassalam.
Re: What Makes a True Man
Nabila
06/07/03 at 06:15:06
[slm]

Brother Bulwark of Islam -- I think this is the time for some Mafia style revenge. Most people who like to beat up other people are cowards, and once he knows that he cant get away with it, he'll straighten out, I can practically guarantee it. It happens from time to time in Saudi, that if the husband beats up on his wife, her brothers go around and have a talk with him.

Doesn't your sis want to divorce him? Or even, if she loves him, insist on counselling? Move away from the family? Move in with you? Get a sheikh to talk to them -- are they at all religious?

*concerned*

ma asalaamah and take care
06/07/03 at 06:16:44
Nabila
Re: What Makes a True Man
faisalsb
06/07/03 at 06:45:25
[slm]

I think the best way to deal with the problem is to make our family system stronger. We need to teach our sons and brothers since childhood that we are supposed to respect women regardless whatever relationship we have with them. But if husband and wife are too busy in their career building and racing each other in having better model cars and other materialistic things and kids are left on behalf of maids and day care centres then we should be ready to face such samples who are called men.

I don't think violence is solution of this problem since it's fact that violence brings more violence instead of fixing it.

Re: What Makes a True Man
bhaloo
06/07/03 at 08:59:22
[slm]

Bulwark of Islam, I'm sorry to hear that, this is terrible.  If this is happening here in the US, the guy can be reported to the authorities and thrown in jail.

[quote author=lady_murasaki_sa link=board=bro;num=1054962608;start=0#3 date=06/07/03 at 06:15:06]
Brother Bulwark of Islam -- I think this is the time for some Mafia style revenge. Most people who like to beat up other people are cowards, and once he knows that he cant get away with it, he'll straighten out, I can practically guarantee it. It happens from time to time in Saudi, that if the husband beats up on his wife, her brothers go around and have a talk with him.
[/quote]

This reminds me of an incident someone was telling me about in Canada.  Some guys went over there and beat the guy up, made him realize he can't hit another woman.  Only a complete coward would do this to a woman.  
Re: What Makes a True Man
nouha
06/07/03 at 14:01:04
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i thought this was VERY beautiful... these cowards need to learn.....

"The word a-shams (the sun) is feminine,
and qamar (moon) is masculine. The sun burns itself to give light and life to everything around, and the moon is muneer, meaning it reflects the light. Within itself it has no light; it radiates the brilliance of the sun. So when we shine as men, the implication is that we are reflecting the glorious light of our women. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala be pleased with them."
Shaikh Abdallah Adhami    

this should also go in 'the list'   :-*

wasalam
nouha:)
Re: What Makes a True Man
UmmHurrairah
06/07/03 at 15:00:50
[slm]  :-*

MashaAllah Nouha.. that was beautiful. Thanks for sharing some words of wisdom. I'll definitely write it in my Journal and bear it in mind.

[wlm]
Re: What Makes a True Man
a_Silver_Rose
06/07/03 at 17:20:34
As'Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah

[quote]What I can't understand is how a woman who goes through the same pain and difficulties can make another woman suffer it? [/quote]

That is very sad and sickening.

When I read the Qur'an I feel like it tells us to bring justice and stop oppression. We are responsible if we sit there and watch people getting hurt and we can do something about it. I do not know your situation, but I will say that it is not easy for a woman to divorce her husband. And I will also say I believe that if she has kids then it is her responsiblity to protect her kids and divorce her husband. Many Children who grow up seeing this eventually become violent and if they do not become violent they will suffer from horrible memories and psychological affects for the rest of their life.  even if she doesnt have kids, rememeber you sister is in pain not only phsyically but also emotionally.  So she cannot do this herself, she needs support and encouragement. Someone needs to talk to her husband, and they need counseling.  I know this is very hard for you and
I know I was not asked for advice but im very concerned and not only that, this is for anyone who is going through this.

Violence is aloud in Islam as last resort. War is alound as last resort, some people cannot deal with reason so they have to be hurt. And somtimes it is necessary to use violence to save other people. Isnt there the ayah about 'arent you going to do something bout the people who drive you out of their homes, ect. Even a husband is aloud to hit his wife whether it is lightly or not, he is aloud to as a LAST resort and there are guidlines for this. So what I am trying to say that sometimes it is necessary.

There is the man who is trying hard to control his naturally bad temper and there is the other man who just has no mercy.  If my brother in law was beating my sister and I had a husband I would tell my husband to go  talk to him. I would try to see they get counseling and that he is told to fear Allah (swt) And if all at the end it didnt work and he just didnt care then you bet I would tell  my husband to use his fist on the sick man. Hopefully I wouldnt have to tell him myself...


In the islamic premarriage counseling i went to, their were only about 9 girls and the woman was saying that one iof us is going to be a victim of domestic violence. (yah i did feel like she was pointing at me)
I dont care about myself and I would stick with it but you bet if I had a child I would live out on the streets to protect him/her from my husband..
I remember many girls would get beat by their boyfriends at school... (nonmuslim)
In our masjid Alhumdulilah they try to help. Look deep around your masjid and you woud be surprised to see that many woman are suffereing right now. There was one lady who called our masjid and they went there but then she denied it and just wouldnt leave her husband (which is understandable) but then one day she called and many of her bones had been broken, and she was bleeding everywhere and she finally said 'take me away from here'...

When I was going through this site, a lady was saying how she complained that her husband beats her to many different scholars and all of them told her to stick with her husband! I wonder if they would say the same if it was their own daughter (although since we are all brothers and sisters, these men should consider them sisters) Not to mention many timz this causes DEATH! I read somewhere that it is actually the number one cause of death among woman. A woman is aloud to divorce (if not required to) if its going to hurt the ummah. Isnt one of the reasons to marry is to have a bigger/better ummah. Well if children are going to grow up like this then that ruins the pupose of marriage in the first place.

We are an ummah, the woman cant take action by her self. If you know a brother doing this then brothers plz take action b/c remember we will be asked in the day of judgement. ...


06/09/03 at 16:21:24
a_Silver_Rose
Re: What Makes a True Man
Nomi
06/07/03 at 17:25:08
[slm]

i've seen many such incidents and i always share my feelings/ideas with my friends about how shall we "men" treat our better halfs.

Everyone of us should talk to our friends about such stuff and make them well aware that hitting one's wife is like hitting a wall !! if you are Mr. tough then try hitting someone tougher.

Asim Zafar

PS: i once had to bear hug a cousin of mine to refrain him from being "silly", i think such actions should be taken even at the cost of our relative's anger/cut-off
Re: What Makes a True Man
faisalsb
06/09/03 at 04:39:38
[slm]

Well apart from how I feel about such a person just wondering what about if the husband has more brothers and friends than wife and they are also willing to protect MEN's rights how would be the scenario look like?
Re: What Makes a True Man
Rameeza
06/09/03 at 14:41:44
[slm]
I usually make it to the take back the "Take Back the Night" walks even though I am single and have had no experiences like this. I am usually surprised that I never see any muslim women there. I know that I cant assume that muslim women DON'T have such issues. I used to think that they did not want to support other women in need, who are not from their own communities.

For me, ANY woman is my sister when she is in danger.

As a women I feel , the the improvements we seek in our lives can only come through education and awareness building in other WOMEN.  Don't beg for your Islamic rights and your rights as a woman in ANY culture from a MAN!!!  Women hold the position to change your position. As mothers to male children, as sisters to brothers, they can change YOUR circumstances. Most of women's problems stem from other womens actions or lack thereof.
Wisen up! Work on your sisters in ISlam. Its the only way.

As for the defective brothers currently running around, who have not been guided. I just pray to Allah that he protects the sisters from them and instills the fear of Allah in the hearts of these 'so called men' who commit such crimes against Allah by committing such crimes against his creations!

As for the brothers on this thread. Its great to see your support. Masha Allah I am very pleasantly surprised! Many more of your kind are needed. May Allah bless your parents for the great job they have done!

Re: What Makes a True Man
a_Silver_Rose
06/10/03 at 00:31:19
[slm]

plz forgive me as I have forgotten if you get someone to talk to victims husband it is likely that the husband will get more upset about this and cause more trouble for the wife/children...(might beat them more severely) so it is better to get them out of the house first!

Thought this was really kewl advice ;D from Brother Mujaahid found from
http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=archives;action=display;num=1016560987

<Brothers,  how would you handle such a situation if you found
out a sister or cousin was being abused?>

[i] Well blowing his knee caps of is always an option  

But, what i would first do is get my sister out of thier, out of that house. Then i would find out whats going on.

IF the guy had been slapping her around etc, then i would press my sister to get a divorce, especially if they dont have kids, as a guy who hits a woman once, will always hit women.

Then, i would go round to this guys, and slap him around a bit, give him a taste of his own medicine.  

In the case of emotional abuse, thats more difficult and i would have to seek advice from people who are trained to deal with such situation, but removing my sister from that environment may be an option. Then, the guy needs to be spoken to, maybe he doesnt realise the affect that some of the things he's saying is having. I guess some guys are insensitive, rather than blatantly abusive, especially the macho types. Some guys are genuinly abusive and hurtful for the sake of it, and know exactly what their doing and the affect its having.  

So in that case, simply beating him up is not an option UNLESS he is delibratly causing emotional distress, i.e. knowing how his wife ticks, knowing what brings her to tears, then going out his way TO bring her to tears! THAT is abuse. And that kinda guy needs a nice clenched heavy fist stapmed on hi jaw  

OR getting the guy counselling is another option!! [/i]
~~~~~~~````~~~~~~~~`````~~~~~~~~
Another piece of advice from the same thread from Mentallect

[i]I'm not a psychologist, nor am I a Mufti or religious authority of any kind I'm just speaking from my limited common sense.

If you're in a verbally abusive relationship, obviously you should get out of it. Either by addressing the issue with the husband and seeing a councelor of the psychological field, or removing yourself from the situation. Its unhealthy for you and will gradually chip away at whatever is left of your esteem and could potentially endanger your life.

But if that isnt enough, think of it this way: You recognize this brother has a problem,  from what I've learned,verbally abusive people are pretty unhappy as a whole. Probably because they suffered from the same thing at some point in their lives. Its hard to break a chain of bad habits on ones own, if you don't at least attempt to help him out of this sickness, you're allowing him to abuse a Muslim, which will eventually kick him really good on the D.O.J. Not only that, but if you have children, Allah has entrusted you with his precious babies, and if you let this spouse abuse Allah's babies, you got a left hook coming too my friend.

I really hope you find peace, and resolve your troubles. I'll make du'a for you sister.

Salaam [/i]

06/11/03 at 20:35:17
a_Silver_Rose
Re: What Makes a True Man
Anonymous
06/10/03 at 12:38:47
assalamu'alaikum,

Just out of curiosity, I was once approached by a sister who confessed to me that such
abuse was taking place within the confines of her own home. She wasn't married, but her own
brother had been molesting her. I was so speechless I didnt know what to advise the
sister. Telling her to  consult the police seemed pathetic because they would place her in
child custody and a non-muslim environment and  she was afraid of reaking havoc within the
family and never spoke a word about it to her parents. I haven't talked to her about it
since, so am not sure if it still going on, but some advice for future reference with her
would be much appreciated.

My Allah guide us,
Re: What Makes a True Man
Nomi
06/10/03 at 13:19:16
[quote]
I was once approached by a sister who confessed to me that such  
abuse was taking place within the confines of her own home
[/quote]

Seams like you are trying to tell us that its a Muslim family !!!! and i'm not buying this story, sorry.

"Anyone" can post under the Anon user

Asim Zafar.
[center]
i'm modifying this post

[size=5][s]I was wrong in texting it like this, my apologies[/s][/size][/center]
06/11/03 at 19:48:03
Nomi
Re: What Makes a True Man
Nabila
06/10/03 at 13:33:30
[slm]

I dont see any reason to reject the poster request for advice, especially in such a manner that dismisses lightly a situation that may be all too real and frightening. How many Muslim sisters' pain and suffering has gone ignored because people ''refused to buy their story'' -- this entire thread shows how Muslim families are just as guilty of abuse as any other group!

If the situation is genuine then insha allaah our advice will benefit them, and if not, then alhamdulilah, and it may benefit someone else.

ma asalaamah and take care
Re: What Makes a True Man
Nomi
06/10/03 at 14:26:50
[slm]

You might be right sis, and its frightening like hell :(

May Allah guide us all, Aameen.

[slm]
Asim Zafar
06/10/03 at 14:28:20
Nomi
Re: What Makes a True Man
a_Silver_Rose
06/10/03 at 18:31:56
[slm]

You are right sister lady murasaki_sa. Also we should becareful when dismissing someone like that because we never know when the person is actually talking about themselves (not that this person is)


[quote]assalamu'alaikum,

Just out of curiosity, I was once approached by a sister who confessed to me that such
abuse was taking place within the confines of her own home. She wasn't married, but her own  
brother had been molesting her. I was so speechless I didnt know what to advise the  
sister. Telling her to  consult the police seemed pathetic because they would place her in  
child custody and a non-muslim environment and  she was afraid of reaking havoc within the  
family and never spoke a word about it to her parents. I haven't talked to her about it  
since, so am not sure if it still going on, but some advice for future reference with her  
would be much appreciated.  

My Allah guide us, [/quote]

Anon that is very sad situation but unfortuantely it does happen in many muslim as well as nonmuslim families :(
:'( obviously that sister really really needs only support and needs someone to talk to..maybe you could get a sister who is trustworthy and nonjudgemental to talk to her. Please try to do something. .. Right make sure that this will never happen again. Is she afraid it might happen again? If she is she must tell her parents or someone else must (b/c they might not be supportive) or someone who can protect her and keep her safe insh'Allah. I think being molested by your own bro is much worse/sad/sickening then even getting beat up by a husband. Allah (swt) knows best... Gosh it hurts me so much , she must be in lot of pain.. plz try to get the trustworthy/people who are involved in comm  sisters confidentialy to help her. I know in my community masjid they are very supportive about this so plz if you can/wish to pm me and tell me where she is at ect?
May Allah (swt) help this sister and her family. Ameen.

ps I am going to post more information
06/11/03 at 20:02:54
a_Silver_Rose
Tips if in the WEst
a_Silver_Rose
06/10/03 at 18:44:52
[slm]

[color=Red]11 tips if your friend is a victim of domestic violence in the West
by Sound Vision Staff Writer


If you have a friend who is the victim of domestic violence, you're not alone. Relatives and friends are those who victims will confide in in these situations. But don't feel helpless as your relative or friend confides in you about the abuse. There are practical things you can do to help at this time of trial and difficulty. Here are some tips:

1. Listen

This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that they are confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption. Encourage them to talk about the abuse.

2. Believe them

Do not deny the abuse is happening. Do not judge them. Show them that you support them no matter what they decide to do about their relationship, whether it is staying with or leaving the abusive partner on a temporary or permanent basis or not doing anything about it.

3. Respect them

Show your friend that you respect their ability to handle this situation and their ability to cope with it. This can help them regain their own strength and build confidence to deal with it.

4. Respect their feelings

In cases of domestic violence, victims need their feelings validated. To ignore the abuse and sweep it under the rug is wrong and will only serve to keep their feelings inside and the problem to worsen. This is dangerous and destructive.

5. Do not advise

As difficult as it is, it is necessary to do this, especially when your friend first confides in you. The best thing to do is to help your friend reach their own decisions about what to do and when to do it. Help them identify their own options and consequences which might follow. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.

6. Tell them they are not to blame

This is important because blame is how the abuser often justifies the abuse. Let them know that no one has the right to abuse another. Tell them what you have learned about spousal violence and cycle of violence. Remind them that Allah does not allow a man to abuse his wife.

7. Discuss safety

Talk to your friend about shelters and other safe places. Discuss how to obtain their services and tell them about creating a protection plan (see tips for victims of domestic violence in the West for more details).

8. Encourage them to seek help

Persuade them not to ignore the problem and to deal with it for the sake of themselves and their family. Accompany them if they need your support to places like shelters, legal aid, etc.

If you have an Imam you can trust to deal with this situation appropriately, encourage them to seek his help first. It is more likely your friend will feel comfortable with an Imam and an Islamic center than in mainstream social services.

9. Do NOT speak to the partner

This is a big no-no and can worsen the situation. If the abusing partner finds out you know about the situation, he will most likely get even angrier and take it out on the abused partner more than before, as a punishment for telling others about the problem.

10. Keep in contact with them

One of the things abusers do is isolate their victims from family and friends. This makes it easier to perpetrate the domestic violence, since there is no one around to object. Keep in contact with your friend as much as possible, by phone or e-mail at least, to ensure that she has a link with the outside world and that she is not alone, suffering in silence.

11. Dua is connecting with the All-Powerful

Dua (prayer) connects you with the most Powerful one, our Creator. Please make special prayers for your friend who is going through this turmoil. Our beloved Prophet has said that your prayer for a person increases love between you and that person. May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
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06/10/03 at 18:46:29
a_Silver_Rose
tips for friends if in nonwestern country
a_Silver_Rose
06/10/03 at 18:52:20
[slm]


[color=Green]

9 tips for friends of domestic violence victims in non-Western countries
by Sound Vision Staff Writer

Friends are one of the first people victims of domestic violence turn to for help, no matter where they are from. Your role as a silent supporter and source of comfort cannot be underestimated in an environment where there are few resources for women who are victims of domestic violence.

Here are some practical things you can do if you have a friend suffering from domestic violence:

1. Know what it is

Knowing what is considered abuse is necessary. Abuse includes slapping, punching, kicking, cursing, insulting and humiliating. None of this behavior is acceptable, especially in a relationship which is meant to foster love and mercy, and where children are seriously affected by their parents' behavior.

2. Listen to her

This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that your friend confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption or at least contact her on the phone if getting around is difficult.

3. Believe her

It's very important to trust that your friend is telling you the truth. You must not deny that it is happening, since this denial is, in many cases, what your friend's husband, family and the community are already telling her. No one believes that she is being abused. Or if they believe her, they may think she deserves it.

4. Tell her she is not to blame

In many places, whether it is East or West, people blame a woman who is abused by her husband. They say the only reason she was beaten by her husband was because she deserved it for something she did to displease her husband. This, however, is never an excuse for abuse, in whichever part of the world you live in. While couples can and do differ, disagree and have arguments, to beat, slap, punch, etc. is unacceptable.

5. Emphasize her ability to handle this situation

Build up your friend's courage. Show her that you respect her and her ability to handle and cope with this situation. This will give her low self-esteem a needed boost, and could, in turn, give her the strength to deal with the situation.

6. Talk about consequences

Instead of advising her exactly what to do, be clear about what options exist for her and the consequences of certain actions. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.

7. Discuss safety

If you are living in a place where there are some trustworthy women's centers or shelters, take your friend to them. If not, see if you can work out another arrangement where your friend can find a safe place to stay when things get really dangerous at home. It could be a friend of yours whom you trust and is willing to open her doors. It could be a religious institution. Try to find alternatives.


8. Encourage authority figures to discuss the problem

Whether it's an Imam, a writer, a radio personality, or some other authority figure, bring up the issue with this individual and explain how pervasive and dangerous it is, using your friend's example without giving her name. Encourage them to discuss the problem openly and to condemn it in sermons, articles, lectures, etc. This discussion will bring the issue to the public's attention and will then have to be dealt with.

9. Keep in contact with your friend regularly

Isolation means danger for the victim of domestic violence. If she is isolated, the abuse is more likely to get worse because there is no one to challenge or hear about it. Make sure to keep in touch, ideally through personal visits, or at least phone calls.
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Re: What Makes a True Man
a_Silver_Rose
06/10/03 at 18:56:28
As'Salaamu Alaikum

I am going to start a Domestic Violence thread in Ahkwat soon insh'Allah. Please read the infomation as we all need to be educated on this since unfortunately it is very common worldwide. If you have not come across a victim, it is extremely possible that you will.


Re: What Makes a True Man
Dawn
06/11/03 at 05:53:45
[slm]

I am posting on behalf of a very dear friend whom I have met through this message board.  For what I think will be rather obvious reasons, she wishes to remain anonymous, but she still wishes to share, in the hopes that it might help someone who is reading this thread.  These are her words:



*************************************************

Greetings! May Peace be Upon you.

To 'Anonymous', in regard to the subject of abuse, particularly sexual abuse. I can only speak from my own experience. I cannot give you any solutions.

I was sexually abused when I was 6 to 7 yrs old. Yes, I am a Muslim and the act was commited by a cousin of mine who was in his teenage years. It happened a few times, but I didn't tell anyone.  For some reason, I knew it was a bad thing and, even at that age, I understood that, if I told anyone abt this, it would wreak havoc for the whole extended family. I kept quiet abt it for almost 20 yrs and I am still keeping quiet about it.

Now, I am in my 20's. I grew up pretty normal. I was an ordinary kid, got good results in school, and was never in trouble (well only minor situations). I never cared abt how I looked to boys.  I didn't have problem interacting with opposite sex.  It seemed like most boys my age, when I was growing up, respected me for my maturity.

Then I got married. My husband knew abt the abuse that took place years ago. It was his experience, with his own siblings getting abused, that made me tell him abt it. He married me anyways. I thought that, since I grew up pretty normal, it would be ok. Oh boy, was I wrong!  Now, I'm going to have to say this, but only as an example for you to understand the depth and seriousness of this issue.   All I can say, while maintaining haya (modesty), is that I am still a virgin because I have issues about sexual contact.  Everything that happened in the past had suddently resurfaced, and it took me by surprise that it has caused other problems (including mentally blaming the whole family), once I started remembering  and understanding that IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO TAKE PLACE, THAT I HAD BEEN WRONGED. But, ALhamdulillah..ALlah granted me with a very patient husband. So, I have to seek counselling and help in order to deal with this situation. (This is not a request by my husband, but rather...a suggestion. he does not make demands.)

You see, I have no advice for you. I only share this with you so you can see the effect this has had on another person's life.

For the rest, I hope you don't start arguing abt not having shariah law or not practising Islam fully as the reason to this. What had happened....had happened.   My only hope was it would end with me.That no other child should go through my experience. I didn't want to hug another child and say "That happened to me too, we're in the same boat". I do not want anyone to be in this boat with me.

One more advantage was to meet a friend like Dawn! :) and another good friend of mine. Both will always be my Eternal Sisters who have always been concerned with me getting better.

Re: What Makes a True Man
Dawn
06/11/03 at 05:59:09
[slm]

Again, on behalf of my friend, I post her words below.  

********************************************

Bismillah ar-Rahman
Dearest Brother Nomi,

I hope you (or anyone and everyone else) will never repeat that kind of statement ever even if it was posted by an "Anonymous".

You will never know how hard it is for me to even write what I went through and having it posted by another member, mainly because I can never tell the whole world what I went through. I fear that somehow it will get back to my family and I'd rather let them live in their ignorance with this issue. I've forgiven the perpetrator and my family's ignorance.  I won't demand any vengeance in the Judgement Day. My main du'a is to not let others experience this and to allow me to have strength to assist others.

I only wrote to make "Anonymous" understood what the sister might face in the future, but I'm hoping that she (or anyone else for that matter regardless of their gender) will never go through this.  Also because my husband and friends encouraged me to help others even if  I don't expose who I am.
Re: What Makes a True Man
theOriginal
06/11/03 at 06:22:09
[slm]

bro Nomi...that was kinda harsh.

How can you live in oblivion....?

Thank you so much for the article, sis.

Wasalaam
Re: What Makes a True Man
BroHanif
06/11/03 at 19:21:01
Salaams,

thank you sis Silverrose for highlighting such an article. The sin of abuse is carried out in each of our towns, the worse thing is that we try to put this evil to one side tinking it does not happen.

I know of sisters who have gone through this and its quite sad that a man can become like this. The post by anonymous about sexual abuse man thats .... . May Allah give more strength to your family.

One thing that I'd like to say is when we deliver advice to people is it any different from Islamic welfare groups to others for example non Muslims ?.
I know of  cases where women have gone to such a group and sadly one of the points raised during the initial interview is divorce from the  husband, whereas the Islamic groups try to make your marrige work IF possible rather than seeking an immediate divorce. Anyone else had similiar experiences ?.

Anyway the community needs to address this problem and not close our eyes thinking it will go away.

Salaams

Hanif
NS
Re: What Makes a True Man
Nomi
06/11/03 at 19:21:10
[slm]


[size=3]My Apologies to all of you, i was quite upset with the original post, n e ways, my mistake, sorry ?[/size]

Asim Zafar.
06/11/03 at 19:22:24
Nomi
Re: What Makes a True Man
a_Silver_Rose
06/11/03 at 20:18:32
[slm]

I would like to point out that only a True Man apologises when he realizes his mistake ;)

May Allah (swt) guide us all. Ameen.

You know sister Dawn...It is true what psychology says. The little and big that happen in childhood DO affect us in the future. Just like the sister said she was a normal kid and everything but later on in life what she went through as a child did affect her future relationship. Sometimes we dont realize how much these things affect kids. We have to be really careful on what we expose them too, how we treat them, and what we say to them.

May Allah (swt) guide us all. Ameen
and May Allah (swt) help the dear sister on the board who had to go through this terrible thing. Ameen. May you and your husband continue to stay strong.

you are in my prayers
your sister
06/12/03 at 18:17:35
a_Silver_Rose
Re: What Makes a True Man
siddiqui
06/11/03 at 20:54:02
[slm]
sexual abuse is one of the dark truths our ummah has like any other ummah, but it pains me to see that we either choose to ignore it or acknowledge and keep quiet about it

Reminds me of my distant cousin(male) who was sent to premier Islamic institution of our city to do Hifz  and was sexually molested by his ustadh  

This highlights this is just not a problem of women(yes though they are affected most of the times) but of men too

what is the moral of the story
1)  ACKNOWLEDGE the fact that this happens in OUR society too

2) DONT  sweep it under the carpet it could happen to any of our loved ones
may Allah SubHana Wa Ta`ala protect all of us

3) TEACH/EDUCATE our children, from a young age that anybody(be it bro/sis/cousin/uncle/father....) touching them in a certain is wrong and they need to inform their elders ASAP

3.5)LISTEN to what the children say, they might not tell u in straight words that  they are abused but may indirectly tell u so, LOOK out for the signs of abuse in children both physical and psychological, TRUST them when they are telling you something, OVERCOME your own fears make them feel comfortable so that if they want to tell you something its easier

4) ENFORCE a zero tolerance policy, meanwhile preventing any stigmatization of the victim or victims family ,IF this sense of stigmatization is removed then reporting and taking action is easier while maintaining the sensitivities of the victims and the family

5)DEVELOP specific sexual abuse counseling methods that can be adapted to the circumstances of Muslim families & Islamic values ,this goes a long way in rehabilitation of the victims

 

Studies have shown that sexual abuse in children is a strong risk factor for domestic abuse(physical/sexual/psychological abuse ) in adults  
people who are sexually abused as children are thrice as likely to undergo adult domestic abuse than folks who aren’t abused as children  
06/12/03 at 14:18:59
siddiqui
Re: What Makes a True Man
theOriginal
06/12/03 at 04:02:28
[slm]

Bro Nomi,

InshaAllah...I didn't mean to be mean (heh...)...

I only said it as a reminder...you never know how this could hurt someone who is reading this thread...and even hurting someone UNintentionally can lead to total disarray.  

May Allah swt give us all taufeeq.  Ameen.

Wasalaam.
Re: What Makes a True Man
a_Silver_Rose
06/28/03 at 03:08:58
[slm]

[color=Blue][center]Muslim Men's Responsibility in Eliminating Oppression of Women
Uzma Mazhar © 2003
[/center]Violence against women is not a marital issue, although it occurs within the context of a marital relationship.  

Abuses against women is not a family issue, although it occurs within the context of a family.  

Violence against women is not a religious issue, although religion is abused as a means of perpetuating it.  

Oppression and abuse of women is a human rights issue. Unless we start seeing it for what it is and recognize the enormity of the crime we cannot find effective solutions.  A woman is a human being just like men. The integrity of her mental, emotional and physical being is of equal significance and value.  When we hear of a criminal being brutally beaten up in a prison we have no problem seeing that as horrific and abusive... yet when it is women who are being abused we come up with all kinds of excuses to avoid taking action.

Separating the rights of women from those of men implies that one has different rights or greater value than the other.  The basic rights accorded to men and women are identical.  Women have a right to their person and property, the freedom to choose for themselves and the right to better their life as they see fit... none of these are any different from those of men. Different roles do not automatically eliminate certain rights.  

So when the issue of women's rights is labeled as a "women's issue" it is used as an excuse and a cop out for men to not take responsibility of the oppressive conditions that women are in.  This is similar to the language used to refer to women's health as 'female problems'... and there is enough evidence that women's health concerns are minimized and marginalized.  

Muslim men cannot and must not exclude themselves from this problem, because when they show no concern, take no action and skirt around the issue... it is viewed as if they oppose it and are perceived as the "enemy" in the fight for women's rights.  Muslim men not only should, but must stand up for justice and support women's rights within the framework of the Quran and Sunnah. Hence eliminating the oppression of women should be of concern to all Muslims.

There are some basic and practical steps men can take that pave the way towards a society that is just and humane, not only for women, but for everyone... since violence against women ultimately affects the whole family, community and the world.

1. Examine your own attitudes & actions
Start with yourself. How do you treat your mother, wife, sister and daughter?  Do you treat them respectfully and with consideration?  Just paying lip-service is not enough.  Do your actions match your words?  If you’ve ever been physically violent against a woman, if you’ve committed sexual assault, if you’ve hit, pushed, threatened, kicked your spouse, then you have been part of the problem.  Be honest and critical. Innumerable times in the Quran Muslims are asked to think, ponder, question and examine their beliefs and attitudes... it is mandatory for Muslims to evaluate all their thoughts, feelings and actions.

2. Educate yourself
The most basic step is to educate yourself.  Do not rely on some idiot mullah to give you a distorted and ignorant version of his interpretation of the role and rights of women.  That is sheer irresponsible behavior and shirking your responsibility.  Question and investigate whatever you read.  Ask yourself what a just and fair God would say.  If you believe half of the ignorant stuff that is passed off as Islâmic... you need to examine your belief about God... because if you believe the ignorant stuff you must not have a very positive belief about God.

3. Be pro-active
Take an active role in expressing your views against the ill treatment of women. Identify and oppose sexual harassment and domestic violence in your workplace, school and family. Become involved by writing letters or articles denouncing the oppression and abuse of women.

Attend a Domestic Violence workshop, talk to women who have been abused. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY... AND BELIEVE IT.  Victims do NOT make up stories.  Know that if the woman is being abused in her home, the children in that household are also being abused.  

Help men correct their own negative attitudes toward women. Refuse to indulge in insulting comments or obscene jokes or incorrect statements about women. Challenge sexist language, jokes, and media images that degrade women.  Sexist jokes, language and harmful media images help create a climate where forms of violence and abuse against women are accepted. Words that degrade women reflect a society that has historically placed women in a second class position.  

Learn why some men are abusive.  Men are not born violent. Men’s violence is a result of the way many men learn to express their masculinity in their relationships.  They probably saw it at home and learned to express anger in an aggressive and violent manner.

If you know of a family in which the women are being abused DO INTERFERE.. non-action is just as harmful as abuse since it implies acceptance of abuse.  (think about it this way... if you are being beaten black and blue by a bully would you not want someone to step forward and help you?)  If you are uncomfortable taking an active role, stick around and call the police, file a report and testify against the abuser.  

Men can also get involved locally by volunteering to give talks in schools, communities and workplaces, raise money for shelters and programs, organize special events to support positive roles for men, and talk to young people about healthy relationships.

Raise and teach your children to choose alternatives to violent behavior and language.  Until men can hold each other and themselves accountable for men’s violence against women, domestic violence will continue.  Abuse is multi-generational, it is learned, it is passed on  from father to son, mother to daughter.

4. Support literacy & empowerment of women
The rate of illiteracy of Muslim women is not only unacceptable, it is against the principles of Islâm. Education does not create rebelliousness in women.. abuse does.  Denying women an education is a clear indicator that the family or society is abusive and is creating an environment of oppression and abuse.  An educated woman is a tremendous asset to her family and the world.

5. Respect women
Women are worthy of respect like any other human being.  Learn to respect women.  Nowhere in the Quran does it allow disrespect of women.  Some men respect their mothers but do not extend that same respect to other women in the family. All women are to be respected.

6. GROW UP  
This may sound harsh but the bottom line is that men need to grow up.  One of the reasons that men do not speak up against oppression of women is that it affects them directly, sometimes in ways that are not conducive to their comfort.  A woman who knows her worth will challenge your biased views and of course that is not going to be comfortable. Giving up the luxury of being served by women while you lounge on the sofa will no longer be an option. Men need to grow up. It is difficult to change negative attitudes and habits but not impossible. It takes conscious effort on a daily basis.

Examining your own beliefs and actions is a basic requirement of Islâm.  

Contact Info: UzmaM@aol.com
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