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| Hate my father :( |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/12/03 at 04:45:28 |
| = Asalaamu alaykum Never much liked him, now Ihate him. He used to beat me when I was young, but alhamdulillah he stopped a few years after I had reached puberty. Did the same to my bros and sisters. All the time he would be shouting at us, "Why do you make me do it? Why do you have to be so bad?" Part of me knew this was bull, which is why I defied him sometimes (he beat more for that of course). The other part was plagued by guilt, inferiority, knowing that I was bad...so I became silent and morose. Difficulty socialising, bullying, etc...you know the story. He hurts my mother. Makes her cry. Insults her family to our faces. Doesn't believe in the obligation to follow the Quran and the Prophet [saw]'s example. Says you can use your common sense, what do you need that extremist cr** for? Doesn't pray then, obviously. He looks at other women, comments on my mom's ugliness sometimes. He'd never DO anything with them, but he definitely looks. He's damn good at humiliating us, at making us feeling butt ugly and useless. And all the time keeps reminding us of how much he's done for us, how ungrateful we are, and that we're bad, bad, bad... He's not completely wrong, of course. I AM pretty bad. Was downright rude to him so many times, wouldn't care when he beat me, or tried the cold shoulder treatment. Didn't care when he cried - he never cared when I did. Now I've supposedly started practising. Full hijab, jilbaab, everything. People say, "Oh mashallah, you such a nice sis, you're smart, humble, kind, funny, patient, etc etc etc" Pass the bucket! I feel so hollow sometimes cos I KNOW I'm just playing a game - false smiles, empty laughter. I go to great lengths to help people out, but complete sincerity and inner goodness isn't there. My bad ibadah, my lack of fear of Allah in private, are proof of THAT. I'm in a bad environment, see - my parents - my father - making me do things I don't want to do. He won't let me go to circles/classes etc either. Tells me to take off the hijab, mocks my mom when she prays - I don't listen to him in this of course, but a little part of me dies each time...like I'm a walking, talking corpse with an outward semblance of life and goodness. Worse - my parents want me to get married now. I've been staying away from guys cos I KNOW what might happen... Had several proposals, broken hearts too. Only recently realised it was kind of deliberate. I lure men, make them think I like them, need them, flatter them...then I leave them. Always in such a way that they still think, "But she's so sweet, she feels so bad about rejecting me but she couldn't help it..." Had a guy break down in front of me once. Now there's another one - sweet guy, really sweet. Really likes me. Doesn't know I'm too bad for him...and I just realised I'm doing the same thing to him. I'm so BAD... It's like all the confused feelings of hate and guilt and inferiority that my father put into me are turning me into a man-hating hypocrite. My real feelings are dying. I don't care about anything. Once I wanted to practise, learn and grow, now I've almost lost hope - and DON'T tell me that a Mu'min never loses hope etc...I KNOW that. It only makes me feel more empty. I'm so lost. Can't even cry about it anymore. Recently started wishing my father dead. The thought keeps insinuating its way into my mind however much I try to squash it. Have nightmares about him. "Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: 'My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.' " [QURAN 17:23-4] I wish. Hellfire for me? Wasalamu alaykum |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/12/03 at 05:42:26 |
| [slm] Dear sister, Your post makes me feel like crying. But only because I can see in you that you are not as bad as you think you are. Please don't judge yourself sister, let Allah swt do that. Allah swt tests us all in different ways, but only because He (swt) knows that you can overcome and succeed in your test. He would never test you with something your are incapable of overcoming. I want you to know that I am here for you. That is what a community is for. And if I can help in any way, please let me know. Having said that, please try to take only the good out of what I say, because I am so incapable of giving advice, and I am so painfully aware of my impediment, that I know I have a tendency to be very blunt and ignorant. The way I see it, sister, is that there are always two aspects of every problem, situation, and circumstance. The first one is the external bracket, and the second one (the harder one) is the internal resolution. You need to approach both of these aspects in tandem, otherwise you'll end up back where you started. External: Domestic violence is a Shar'i reason for divorce, especially if it has risen to the level that it has in your household. However, I am not going to be the one to suggest that you talk your mother into a divorce, since I presume she has her own reasons for sticking to the marriage this long. Perhaps, if you live in the West, you should inform the authorities about the physical abuse, if it gets very bad. I think your father just needs time to reflect, and he needs something to push him into that reflection. Perhaps your mother should get a separation for a little while, and take all of you with her. Whatever the case, there are plenty of options available, inshaAllah. Furthermore, if the atmosphere in your home is impeding your ability to be the person you want to be, please seek good company OUTside of your home. Start attending some Islamic study circles. Also, whenever I feel useless and I feel like a hypocrite, I start volunteering in an environment with either children or seniors. It puts things into perspective. COntact some sisters in your area. You don't have to tell them ANYTHING, just ask them if they are attending any lectures, etc, and if you could go with them...Also, you say you have brothers and sisters...seek their company. Make sure they are okay. Siblings are always so understanding. Internal: This is the hard one. Your circumstances have obviously had a huge effect on your internal self. I can't stress the act of duaa enough. I know it seems kind of trite to say this, but only Allah swt can help you through difficult times. You are not so bad. If you continue being patient, and if you continue praying, insha Allah, you will get so much reward for that. As for marriage...(the M word...how I hate it)...I have an amazing friend who gave me the best advice. She told me to stop worrying about marriage, and to just make duaa. Just tell Allah what you want and what you don't want. Ask Him for help to give you the POWER to stop doing things that make you feel regretful. I am specifically talking about the fact that you feel like you 'lure men'.... If you feel like you can't stop doing these things, just tell ALlah that you need His help in stopping. Tell Him that even though your ibadah is not up to par, you need His help to get it there. Tell Him that you want to stop feeling like a hypocrite. (I'm not saying you are one, but you said that you feel like one)...Ask Him to give you good company. Ask Him to give your father Hidayah. Ask Him to give you patience with your father, because you don't want to sin in this way. Even if you don't feel up to ibadah...do it anyway. Read the Qur'an, pray extra prayers, do wudhu constantly. Insha Allah I will make duaa for you. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| sofia |
| 06/12/03 at 10:57:57 |
| As-salaamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullah, sister, Subhan'Allah, my co-worker's father just passed away this morning. She told us to go home and hug our fathers when we get the chance. And she didn't have the best relationship with him, from what I gathered. Anyhow, excellent advice already given by sis JustOne. I just had a couple things to add. First thing's first: that's a huge step, to try to practice one's deen, even in the face of oppression. It's your jihaad, and walking towards something so noble can potentially erase past sins. Every act, regardless, is measured by our intentions, so keep that in mind (which I always have to remind myself of). Do not, under any circumstances, listen to shaytaanic whispers that you are acting like a "hypocrite" and may as well stop performing your essential acts of 'ibaadah, for whatever reason. There is no reason to stop. This is a common trick used against those who are facing trials. Every time we give something up and replace it with something Allah loves, He will multiply His ni'ma upon us. Secondly, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. What JustOne said is on point: abuse is grounds for divorce, since it's considered something like tyranny in Islaam. Allahu A'lim, He will mete out real punishment, the way only He can, even if the abuser is "punished" in this life. How you feel towards your father is normal, considering how you and your family have been treated. May Allah make him realize his mistakes, and us, ours. And restore kinship bonds. I gotta point out something, and I know it's not news, and please forgive me if I offend you in any way. You are not the only person to have gone through something like this, nor are you being tested with more than you can bear. WAllahi, the tests that Allah gives us, and the intensity of the test, is a reflection of the potential strength each person has. And only Allah knows what each soul goes through. Imagine both person A and person B are given the same tests in life. Person A curses himself and those around him, asks God "Why me?", and uses it as an excuse to deal unjustly with others. Person B perseveres patiently, praying to God that he is given the strength and resolve to get through it, and uses it as a means to get closer to God. It's not the test, itself, that's the measure of our faith. It's how much patience and perseverance we have through the test. One used the trial against him, and the other used the trial for him. One used it to abuse others (emotionally, verbally or physically), and the other used it to break the cycle. Some of the stories of extreme hardship faced by some of the sahaabah (let alone the prophets) can seem like fiction, and are probably most well understood by those who face similar trials. Please take the time to read about them now, and reflect on the Qur'aanic ayaat about hope. There's one hadith that comes to mind. Before Umm Salamah married the Prophet (S), she was married to Abu Salamah, who died. She was devastated, but said something the Prophet (S) taught his followers to say in the face of trials: Innalillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji'oon, To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return. He used to say, "There is not a slave who is put through trials and says this, except that Allah helps him through his ordeal and gives him something better." So anyhow, afterwards, Umm Salamah was given something better - the Prophet (S) as a husband. [color=green]"...And for those who fear God, He prepares a way out, and He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in God, sufficient is (God) for him. For God will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has God appointed a due proportion."[/color] (Translation of the Qur'aan 65:2-3) That being said, I don't mean to say anyone should "grin and bear it" in a situation like abuse. Support systems may be weak in the Muslim community, but there are some organizations that are starting to crop up to respond to abuse in Muslim homes. After a quick search, I found [url=http://www.mwlusa.org/resources/hotlines.html]The Muslim Women's League[/url], [url=http://www.crescentlife.com/psychissues/domestic_violence.htm]Crescent Life[/url], [url=http://www.cpsdv.org/Domestic-Violence/muslim-peaceful-families.htm]The Peaceful Families Project[/url] and [url=http://www.isna.net/dv/sheltersandprograms.asp]ISNA Domestic Violence Forum[/url], but will try to research more, inshaa'Allah. If anyone else knows of others, please post them. Also, please try to read some ahadith, like the [url=http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/hadithqudsi.html]40 Ahaadith Qudsi[/url]. Your biggest weapon is your du'aa; the Prophet (S) once said something to the effect of, the oppressor should be aware that the du'aa of the oppressed are not refused. So use your du'aa to mend broken ties, to heal wounds and to bring peace back to your family, inshaa'Allah. You are in our du'aas. |
| 06/12/03 at 11:04:43 |
| sofia |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| samr |
| 06/12/03 at 18:49:40 |
| bsmlahh [slm] dear sis "anoymus" first of all I want 2 warn u that u really dont mean what u r saying when u say that u think that u HELL is the place for u and when u think that u even wanne kill ur dad.... because Hell is made by ALLAH and he is gonne throu all the bad people in it and TRUSS MEE u aint bad did u know that thers only 1 tree in hell and the frut that come out of it look like head's of the shaiateen? and that its made by the swet and dirt by the people in it? so u really dont wanne eat that do u? and dont jump out from a bridg ;) and bu tha way CHECK this out u told us that all ur brothers and sis was old enaf 2 live aloon? so am thinking off "WAR" u and ur broth and sis Dont talk to ur dad untill he forgive u... Now if he really didnt make anything at home now he maby do it and maby even see how much u all was working OOOOOOOOOOOOORR u may tray 2 talk 2 him. I remember when it allmost happend the same thing tha dad was bad but maby he forgot that he got BIG and STRONG sons so on day when he was hitting his wife they came at onse and a big fight begang one of his them beat him in his as :-/ but try 2 talk 2 him first and remember U R NAT BAD AT ALL bee cool 8) |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| bhaloo |
| 06/13/03 at 02:39:19 |
| [slm] Some sayings to reflect on: In a hadeeth the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has said that the parents of a person are his Heaven or Hell. The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has said "In the good pleasure of the father lies the good pleasure of the Creator and in his displeasure, lies the displeasure of the Creator." Jabir (R.A.) reports that the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said "Allah prolongs the life of a person who obeys his parents and serves them devotedly." In another hadeeth, the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam is reported to have said, "Obey your parents and treat them with kindness, your children will be kind and obedient to you. When asked about the major sins, the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam replied." To associate anyone with Allah, to disobey the parents, to kill unlawfully and to give false evidence." The above-mentioned acts have been condemned as 'Akbarul-Kabaair' ie the most serious of the major sins. The order in which the Prophet said them, shows that the disregard of parents rights is next, only, to Polytheism (Shirrk) and it is even more serious than murder. So we see the great importance of being kind and dutiful to one's parents (of course there is no obedience in matters, to the one that tells one to disobey Allah (SWT)). The pain and suffering you are going through, you will insha'Allah be rewarded for it. Sometimes Allaah tests His slaves with calamities in order to raise them in status and to expiate for their sins, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No misfortune or disease befalls a Muslim, no worry or grief or harm or distress – not even a thorn that pricks him – but Allaah will expiate for some of his sins because of that.” ( Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5641) [i] “And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As‑Saabiroon (the patient). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allaah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones” [al-Baqarah 2:155-157] [/i] See how wonderful the state of affairs are for the believer. Subhan'Allah. They are rewarded when facing hardship and difficulty, and when things are going great, that is a reward in its self. We're all trying to make it Paradise, insha'Allah. No one said its going to be easy, there's going to be challenges along the way. Some of us are speeding right along, while some of us are slowly trying to get to Paradise. We're all going at different speeds. Maybe your father has some problems, maybe he didn't learn about Islam or have the opportunity like you did. Wouldn't it be so wonderful if you could help him? If you could show him the right way to do things and the right way to behave. Maybe have more family discussion time Encourage him. Advise him sincerely. Wouldn't it be great if you helped him? Its important that you have a good group of girl friends that can encourage you to do good and can help you out when your down. It also sounds like you need to do things that will help to increase your imaan. The Qur’aan is the foremost aid to standing firm in Islam. It is the strong rope and clear light of Allaah. Whoever adheres to it, Allaah will protect him; whoever follows it, Allaah will save him; and whoever calls to its way will be guided to the Straight Path. Study the stories of the Prophets and following their example. Make duaa to Allah (SWT) and do lots of dhikr as well. And see if you can involve yourself with knowledge circles in your area. As for this matter of him insulting your mother and treating her badly, I think it would be a good idea if they both spoke to the local imaam or someone at the masjid that is capable of family counseling. As in any relationship, when there is a failure to communicate things start to fall apart and hatred starts to grow along with misunderstandings and trust issues. (a khutbah i heard a few weeks back was discussing this very topic). Someone that your father respects and/or will listen to should advise him SINCERELY about the wrong he is doing and the pain he is causing. He will be held accountable for his actions in the world to come. |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| muahmed |
| 06/13/03 at 12:19:37 |
| [slm] ;-) You test is so much harder than any of mine, but comensurate must be your reward! Persevere and make dhikr, for Allah Has promised pleasure and contentment in His remembrance. and when you are in heaven inshAllah, please ask "O where is brother Muhammad Ahmed" and when you find out I am in the fire, make dua to get me to heaven as well. I do not have much advice, but I shall make dua inshAllah. |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| Ameeraana |
| 06/13/03 at 19:49:43 |
| [slm] [color=Blue] Oh dear sis, I really feel for you. I know what you are going through. The only difference is my father is not Muslim. But then again, your father isn't acting like one either. I got away. My mother got away and helped us get away when we were young. I did not know that I was being abused until I was in my mid-teens--I thought it was normal. My sisters went through it also. Its scary too because there is a high chance of continuing the cycle in you own family life. Many children from abusive homes will continue that cycle--like a battered child will choose an abusive husband. Or that battered child will have children and end up beating their children also. Your mother is in a desperate situation also. Is she not able to get away because she loves your father, or because she is afraid she cannot make it on her own? Or is it fear that she may lose her children that keeps her there? Its very hard. Won't go into any detail on things that happened in my family out on a public forum like this, but I would love to try to help you. I can relate to many of the things you are going through right now. I will listen and be there anytime you need someone to talk to. Its easier said than done when it comes to advice but I would try to help you. You say you don't cry anymore. You know why? Its because anger is a much easier emotion to deal with than hurt and pain of the heart. You have every right to be angry. The things you say come from the anger that is inside of you. There is love there, its just buried underneath the hate. Marriage. Are you ready to dive into marriage? Are you sure you are ready to love someone else? You can't love someone else until you can love yourself girl. You have love for yourself but you don't see it right now. You've gotta fight to let it out. Oh, and another thing... when you meet guys that seem nice and would love you the way you have dreams that your father would love your mother and yourself( are you really dissing them because you hate them? Probably not. I think right now you think you don't deserve them. You have become so accustomed to hateful and derogatory words thrown at you and your mother that you actually believe your fathers' words even though deep down you know you shouldn't right? Why should you deserve such nice things said about you by all those guys? You just don't see it yet, but what these men see in you is there. Please try to help yourself. Talking is the first step. Like I said, I will listen. And if you decide to just try it alone (I certainly hope not), please when you decide on marrying a man, try to find one that you know will listen to you. Your husband will become a strong source of your healing for you--but only if he is able to listen to you and handle your situation with maturity, sincerety, and love. Your mother wants you to get married most likely to get you away from your situation. Maybe she thinks its the only way she can help you? Allah is another source of prayer and guidance. Remember that Allah sees all that is happening to you. I will make dua'a for you. If you have given up on prayers right now, then read the Qur'an. Perhaps you will find words in there that could help you. Please do write me sis, my email address is[/color] Ameeraana@yahoo.com Just know that its not your fault. Ameera |
| 06/13/03 at 21:25:06 |
| Ameeraana |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/13/03 at 23:01:17 |
| Asalaamu alaykum Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go... My uncle used to say that the second group are more in need of love and attention. "If you expect better of them, then I expect better of you. DO it, my dear, and the peace you bring will be like the generous light of a candle that everyone loves, although the candle itself has to melt to give it. Yes, yes, I KNOW they won't thank you, but HE will..." I guess attention's what my father's always wanted, demanded it like a child and never realised that it's so easy to get if only he would let us BE... Well, some are less fortunate than others. Hence the job of the more fortunate to help them...better get on with it then. (Pause...sulky look...and the glimmer of a smile) You're right of course, dear ikhwani, dear akhwati. Jazakallamullahu kheiran for telling me what I needed to hear, and not what I wanted to hear :) Wasalaamu alaykum |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| faisalsb |
| 06/22/03 at 06:43:11 |
| [slm] Well I am a bit late but I think still it's not too late. I have a story to share with my friends which might be relevant to the topic. Once there was a small house near to a river bank. There were three people living in the house. A man his wife and his old father. The man was very happy with his wife and they had good life. But his father was very old and sick and often used to be a trouble for both of them whole day and night. During day they had to serve him food and medicine and at night he used to cough up a lot. That's why they were not able to sleep properly. This routine kept on going for sometime. One night the man and his wife discussed something in their room and then the man came out and he asked his father to ride on his back. The father asked "O my son where are you taking me to?" The man replied "Dad! I want you to take out for a change since it's been long time you didn't see the world outside of the house". The father was riding on back of his son tightly and the son started walking towards river unless he reached near the river. The father thought his son would stop on edge of the river and let him enjoy the natural scene. But the son entered into the river unless he reached deep into the water, where water was touching his chest. The son was about to throw his father in the water that suddenlly father asked his son to stop for a bit. The son froze where he was. The father said "O my son I knew why and where you were going to take me, but before you throw me in the river I want to tell you something. The place where you are standing right now is exactly the place where I threw my father in the river. So please throw me in a little bit deeper water, so when it comes your turn then your son has to walk a little bit more .............." |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| nouha |
| 06/22/03 at 12:39:53 |
| [slm] subhanallah anon that made me cry and realize how much i take my father for granted..... the best advice i have that has allready been said is dont lose hope... becuase it means ur losing hope in Allah(SWT) and despair is one of the major sins there are.... believe that Allah(SWT) can help and make dua... would it help if a respected person in your community spoke to ur dad...??? do u have any other family members that can talk to him??? inshallah..ill make dua for u too... faisal - that was a beautifl story wasalam nouha:) |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/24/03 at 17:00:05 |
| salam to all the very good bruthaz and sistaz out there i wanted to talk to you guys abut an issue that has been bugging me for a very long time. Growing up i wasnt always the best of muslims but then i went through this change and all of a sudden, i became a much better muslim brother practicing the deen, attending conventions (for the right reasons, unlike many brothers and sisters who attend convetnions for marital purposes), i pray and i am very active in the muslim community. the only problem that gets in the way ALL THE TIME is my dad. he HATES it VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY much when i go out to islamic activities and HE EVEN HATES IT WHEN I GO TO THE MASJID!!!!!! and he is MUSLIM!!! I will admit that many times, i lied to my father so that i can go to a lecture or so i can attend the masjid for an activity. i know that this is a dumb question, but is that wrong for me to do that? also, i want your guys advice on what i can do. please do not give me advice by telling me that "You know, you should just talk with your father. He will come around." He will never come around. ever heard of the sayng: "old habits never change." many times, i tried to get advice from other people on this issue, and they tell me to look at the sahaba as an example. i know that there is an example in the sahaba, but many of thier parents wwere not muslims, but my father IS A MUSLIM, and he stills HATES it when i try to practice my deen. please help |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| muahmed |
| 06/24/03 at 21:00:28 |
| [slm] ;-) There must be someone (a friend, a relative, your grandfather maybe) whom your father respects and listens to. Have that someone whom your father respects, talk to him on this issue about letting you practise your deen. That would be better than your trying to be obstinate and disobedient by openly rebelling against your father because it will only make him more staunch in his wrong stance. May Allah give you success and patience. |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 06/25/03 at 00:26:53 |
| [slm] personally I dont think 'lying' should be a problem. you are not doing anything wrong out there and to avoid conflicts its probably better. but yes maybe your dad has seen or will see the change in your character as a better person? if that has happened? just keep praying that Allah (swt) guides your father and opens his heart and always have hope b/c Allah (swt) can change anyone. and you just neve know May Allah (swt) make things easier on you. and Allah (Swt) knows best. your sister |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| faisalsb |
| 06/25/03 at 00:57:27 |
| [slm] Sister Anonymous I think what you are already doing is the right thing. I think you can even do better just by hiding your activities from your father without lying. If there is no other way to get escaped from the situation or you fear to face physical or mental torture then for sure there is no harm in lying. Because we are even allowed to declare ourself non muslim if we fear our life is in danger. But sister please don't lose hope. I have seen the people who used to make fun of Islam and people who used to pray or fast but Allah gave them hadiya and no body can judge now that those people ever missed even a single prayer. And they are kind a role model now. May Allah guide us all ...... Ameen |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/25/03 at 22:58:05 |
| Anon, that's jus like me. Wallahi. My dad's getting old now and forgetful...more stubborn, more rough mannered too. Constantly complaining - doesn't take much to get his nose out of joint, and then he'll go around making everyone miserable, especially my mom. And he ESPECIALLY hates anything remotely Islamic sounding about the HOUSE (he doesn't mind a Quran on a high shelf gathering dust though, just as long as no one reads it 'cause THAT'S "extremism" isn't it?), let alone anyone going to any events/circles... I figured I can't really go if he doesn't want me to, 'cause 1 - he's my dad and I HAVE to obey him unless he asks me to do someting against Islam (it's not obligatory to attend these events after all) 2 - I hate lying for ANY reason (I know there's 3 cases where you're allowed, although I don't think this is one of them) 'cause you get into a cycle of lying, and it's really hard to get out... 3 - if he finds out...ouch. He'll hurt my mom bad, and us too, and THAT doesnt bear thinking about...and things DO come out in the end, especially if they're not right... All in all, nothing worth doing is ever easy. Keeping the peace is definitely worth it, but it takes sheer grit and responsibility...rarely ever fun. I know. You got to kill yourself for it sometimes...ESPECIALLY wit family... Only just barely got out of the depressive state myself...still not out of it. I find it hard not to despise my dad sometimes. But I figure I might as well show him some outward respect for Allah's sake, maybe He'll change my heart... Anon I'd like to offer some comforting words, but my own advice to myself is cold comfort at the moment and I'm not out of the woods yet...so my duas go out to you. Try to talk to others if it helps...sis Ameera, many thanks to you for your help :) I suppose it's about going where the greatest reward is...if you have two options - one involving disobedience to Allah but "nicer" and the other obedience but apparently hard, thankless and pointless...well, the second one's the one to go for. Hard, but it's got the reward, which is what we want at the end of the day... Masalaam |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 06/26/03 at 02:16:30 |
| [slm] Well Anon you may be right but two points come into mind after reading your post. 1) this is depriving her of an Islamic environment (obviously doenst get one much in home) and she needs the support and encouragement of Muslim brothers and sisters. Alhumdulilah that Allah (swt) has guided her and opened her eyes and may He do the same for her father. 2) I believe there is a hadith that even your husband should not stop you from going to the masjid. here it is: [i]"If the wife of any of you seeks permission to go to the masjid, he may not prevent her." Muslim & Bukhari [/i] I would like to say that most importantly that you should ask Allah (swt) for guidance and He will not dissapoint you. I think it would be good to do istikhara and Allah (swt) knows best your sister |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/26/03 at 21:36:10 |
| Asalaamu alaykum Sis silverose, the thing is, if the only option for an Islamic environment involves a major sin, then I think that's a false opportunity. Allah WILL provide another one if you're patient. It's a different matter of course, if the home is a place where one is forced to disobey Allah...but if not, if it's just a case of parents stopping you doing non-obligatory things that would make it easier for you, then I figure it's a test. Parents' anger heard in the Heavens and all that. And lying...uh uh. Not for this - it'll come out sooner or later. Allah doesn't put you in a situation you can't deal with, as brs and srs rightly reminded ME. Either try to convince them if possible (this is NOT an option for me, jus like Anon2) or just wait until a REAL opportunity for an Islamic environment comes... I mentioned that my parents want me to get married now. My mother, my poor simple-souled mother, thinks that this is the only way out of an unpleasant situation, so she's in a great hurry to find someone (except she's using all the wrong criteria, bless her. My dad even more so) - the whole thing is emotionally draining. And anyway I'm not ready...too torn up inside still. Basically, there are a lot of events that come to you dressed up as opportunities but are not, and you have to be able to judge them well. So it's just a case of patient waiting now. I'm practically housebound - can't even leave to go to the local shop for groceries without inquisitions. I don't ask my parents to go anywhere because it'll just make my dad angry and (consequently) my mom upset. HE'S getting old now anyway, and forgetful, and bitter. Convincing won't help. I don't want to give him any excuse to get angrier than he already is. It's hard, really hard. But if I'm doing my bit, why shouldn't I expect the best from Allah? He is as His slave thinks He is. And I think He'll give me the best - don't know how, but I believe He will...so He will. Please forgive me if I said anything wrong. Wasalaam |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| Nomi |
| 06/27/03 at 06:34:25 |
| [slm] [quote] but i believe He will, so He will [/quote] inshAllah anon... ameen |
| Re: Hate my father :( |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/27/03 at 07:05:59 |
| [slm] Nothing happens unless Allah wills it. Sister, look...you're trying to rationalize something that canNOT be rationalized, because your father's behavior is irrational. I don't mean that as insult towards your father, it's just a matter of fact. There are two types of people...those who use emotion to determine their actions, and those who use a thought process to do the same. Neither is wrong, but they are different, and at some point, a compromise will have to be sought. In your case, this compromise will have to be made INSIDE you, because communication seems to be limited between the two of you. If you are worried about marriage, don't be. Don't stress about it. Let the proposals come. Let Allah weed them out for you. Don't make a false dilemma out of it within your household. You will not get married unless it is by will of Allah (swt). So, it is up to you to pray for the best, inshaAllah. And you're right. Marriage is not a solution to your problems. But, there's the other side to the coin: Marriage is not an additional PROBLEM, either. Be open-minded, and trust Allah (swt). Going back to the original point, you seem to be struggling to put a logical formula in front of you that will give you the answer to your situation. It's not going to happen. You need to keep one eye on the horizon (whatever it is your goals in life are: being a good, pious, practicing person or whatever) and the other eye on the challenges that keep rising up in front of you. (because they WILL come, because we WILL be tested.) So you need to overcome these challenges without losing sight of YOUR goal. If you're homebound -- okay, try finding a way around it. Join a class. Go out WITH your father. Try something else. If it doesn't work -- okay, maybe you need to be concentrating on doing something else. Be there for your siblings. Write a novel. Seriously. Keep yourself busy. Things will happen for the best, sister. Insha Allah. Relax sister, you know you got it, because you said it yourself ... He'll give you the best. Remember, patience is a virtue...and that's a very strong statement, if you think about it. Wasalaam. |
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