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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Co-dependency |
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| Angelic |
| 06/24/03 at 10:29:22 |
| [slm] I was wondering if anybody new of a website or know of any articles which discusses co-dependency from an Islamic perspective. Would appreciate it if anybody has any suggestions. Salam Love Katrina :-) |
| Re: Co-dependency |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/25/03 at 10:46:16 |
| [slm] Perhaps you could provide me with a definition? Totally unsure of what you mean. If I don't have an opinion on it, I'm sure I could form one relatively quickly. :) I'm kidding, you don't need my opinion. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Co-dependency |
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| Caraj |
| 06/25/03 at 14:50:28 |
| Angelic, I'm sorry I cannot help you find such a publication however i just wanted to touch on this co-dep thing. I caution folks about labels such as co-dep, etc. When speaking about co-dep in alcholism I find them right on target but on using that terminology on dependance toward a spouse and all this be your own self and all that mumbo jumbo I disagree. To much society wants us to be our own little people when we are married, they talk about individuality. I am learning but do not know what the Quran says about such matters, I know the Bible says about marriage the two become as one. (anyone knowing of a comprimal Quran verse I would very much like to know and learn about it please) Anyway they say if you are sad, lonely and having troubles dealing with being to dependant on a souse that may be labeled as co=dep HOGWASH, if you cut yourself in half how would you feel about running around not whole :o Not to mention your guts would fall out :P (sorry gross joke there) Just be careful in whatever situation you may or may not be in (or if a friend is in) to not all to quickly start label something. some sisterly un asked for advice. We are humans not cans of fruit and veggies to be labeled :-/ |
| 06/25/03 at 14:52:49 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Co-dependency |
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| Angelic |
| 06/26/03 at 09:02:16 |
| Salam Thank you Justone and Caraj. The best definition of co-dependency I have found is that "co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largly on how well you please, take care of an/or solve problems for someone else". Decades a go co-dependency was synonymous with alcoholics but now the character traits are much broader. I was diagnosed as having co-dependency a few years ago. Since childhood I loved to help other's and please them, but from therapy it seemed that this was how I protected myself from hurt and pain during my childhood. I have not really recovered but if someone asked me to do something, I did it only because I could not say "no" but I had anger in me, anger not towards the person as such but doing something even though I was not comfortable to do it. Before I reverted, I was trying to do a recovery class with a Church I was going to, but throughout the course I could not move forward because of their Christian teachings and labelling Jesus Christ as God. I suppose I am seeking guidance about this in Islam because I read that when we marry we complete half of our religion. I was offered marriage but I am afraid because when I read about the obligations of women to their husband, the only thing I can think of is someone trying to control me again. The woman should do her best to please her husband with absolute willingness. I have read articles where the husband is everything the woman needs. I understand some parts because the man is her protector and spends on her so she should be obedient and kind towards him. But how is this done without the woman giving up her own needs? How does she take care of herself? I realise what I have said is Allah's decree and is hence an act of worship and obedience to Allah but I also read that " the women should obey her husband as long as obeying him is within her capacity". (Zad -ul ma'ad 5:160) Does this mean there is some limits? what does it mean "within her capacity"? I fear that if I was uncomfortable in doing something and felt I couldn't do it but was pushed to do it, I will feel so much anger and end up feeling destructive again. I would like to be able to learn to give with love rather than with anger. I have not been able to find any discussions about co-dependency in any of the Islam websites but I would like to hear from anybody who has any ideas. Thanks for reading. Love Salam Katrina |
| Re: Co-dependency |
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| Yousef |
| 06/26/03 at 09:46:14 |
| [quote]Does this mean there is some limits? what does it mean "within her capacity"? [/quote] To the best of my knowledge, it means in accordance with what is customary among people like her and her husband. The wives have the right to good companionship and kind and reasonable treatment from their husbands just as they are obliged to obey the commands of their husbands, so it's a two way thing. |
| Re: Co-dependency |
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| Caraj |
| 06/26/03 at 11:05:48 |
| [quote author=Angelic link=board=madrasa;num=1056461362;start=0#3 date=06/26/03 at 09:02:16]Salam The best definition of co-dependency I have found is that "co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largly on how well you please, take care of an/or solve problems for someone else". Decades a go co-dependency was synonymous with alcoholics but now the character traits are much broader. [/quote] :-/ :-/ Well then I will gladly accept that title :-/ :-/ Cause with my sons I do that. I put their needs and feelings above mine. I never want to judge someone elses situation and I am certainly no counselor but is that so bad? To me that shows you have been blessed with a kind, caring and loving heart :) I could see where if it effects your daily living, getting to work, etc. I just am cautious about this labeling stuff. I am a human not a can of veggies :D I do things that I really don't want to do for my sons sometimes but that is cause I love them and it really won't kill me ;D I volunteer for things in my area and I do it cause my heart leads me to to so even though once I say 'I will' sometimes I wonder 'Why did I offer to do that?' And yes we do need to have healthy limits and boundaries. But I like to look at this as kindness, good heartedness, empathy, etc. But only you know your heart and mind and if this is effecting you in a negative way. Just keep thinking ;) I am not can of veggies, Allah gave me this caring and tender heart for a reason. :-/ But if something will hinder you from something else or you are taking on to much and getting overwelmed? It is ok to say, I wish i could, but I'm sorry I just can't. As to anothers feelings, that is all well and fine to if you are not submitting yourself to abuse (verbal, emotional and other) Trade secret shhhhhhh, don't tell anyone ;D The older you get the easier it gets. 20 y/o's always seem to worry about what others think 30 y/o's start realizing sometimes what others think is :P By 40 hehe :-[ this light bulb goes on and what everyone thinks is :P except a chosen few who you respect. (But my sons still have me wrapped around their little finger, but that is ok, I love them) I just have a problem with labels, at this rate everyone will be labeled with something. Like ADD for example, send those little suckers to me, after a day of work on a farm watch those little turkey's sit still and are quiet. Us 'not so nice mommies' ;) also have a new meaning for it :o ADD- Adult didn't disapline :-/ So many in society like to look at labels as flaws and weaknesses. I like to look at them as gifts and tallents and challenges. :-* |
| 06/26/03 at 11:12:04 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Co-dependency |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/26/03 at 21:37:08 |
| Salaams Try http://www.crescentlife.com Wasalaam |
| Re: Co-dependency |
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| Angelic |
| 06/27/03 at 08:30:23 |
| [slm] Thank you so much for this website, it is exactly what I am looking for. These days they consider co-dependency to be a sickness, a disease in fact. I believe in my heart that when I was introduced to this it was a distraction away from the real good I was doing, it made me very angry and now I feel sometimes that I am more angry with myself for doing the things I do than anything else. I know that Islam is perfect and humans are not. We all react differently to things in life, based on our past hurts and pains and childhood and for many recovery is not any easy thing. I have printed out some articles from this website and I put my faith in Allah to guide me to the right path in my recovery and make me more stronger in my faith. Salam Katrina |
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