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hot tempered!

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hot tempered!
Anonymous
06/25/03 at 23:19:07
assalam alaykum,

I have a problem of screaming uncontrollably at my husband!  I'm sooo hot tempered that I
think if I continue like this I will go to jahannam!  this is pretty serious and I need
some advice sisters please...Thank GOd my husband is calm relaxed tyoe of person if he was
any different wallahu alem if my marriage would survive..I simply can not control
myself..I try being patient for 5 secons and then just explode at him for smallest reason such
as him speading! i get mad in the car and feel like smashing him!!!

Re:  hot tempered!
Caraj
06/26/03 at 00:22:48
May I ask were you like this before you got married?
Not asking you to answer publicly but in your own mind.
Can you try to figure out what inside you are truly angry at?

The anger is not only bad on your husband but you also cause anger inside is no good for you either.

A couple suggestions if I may. (I am a little hot tempered too and my husband is calm and mellow)

1) See if there are anger management courses or support groups that are ok islamically. Anger is anger no matter who you are.

If not go to your (I hope I spell this right) Inman? And ask if he could see if the sisters could start a small group if there is need.

2) Go to a quiet place and write all your feelings down, (not only when you're angry but now when you're calm) sometimes writing them is like venting only you don't have to be embarrassed later by anything said. Try to think and write about what made you mad, what were you really thinking and feeling?

3) Keep a small notebook and when you feel like going off on your hubby or are angry at all start to right in your book. Let your hubby know you're going to do this and that way he will know.

Anger is usually a symptom of not getting your way or not having a need met and you find lashing out  the best way to express yourself. Not saying it is, just can be.

I wish you well and please feel free to Private message me if you can use an ear to listen. Also I was in a relationship many many years ago and had to deal with an angry person so I took an anger management class to try to understand the dynamics of anger. I learned a lot and would be happy to go find some of the pamplets and flyers, fact sheets and info I got at that class and email or fax them to you. I saved them but just need a couple days to locate them.

I'm here if you need me.
Salaam


PS Anger left un dealt they say can lead to later physical issues too. heart, etc.
Other thoughts, if you are 30, 35 and 40 ish pre menopause can take years and hormones can wack a gal out.

Issues from the past not settled and laid to rest.

Just food for thought


06/26/03 at 00:24:22
Caraj
Re:  hot tempered!
SisNur
06/26/03 at 00:34:49
[wlm] &  [slm] to you  :-) Anon

i have to admit that to control anger & temper is sure very difficult. i have been in some of the situations too  :(

this is good reading material & goes beyond ... do ponder upon it and may Allah grant us patience... Insya'Allah.


Hadith "Anger"

"Give me some advise", someone asked. The Holy Prophet (PBUH)said, "Be not angry."

No person has drunk a better draught than he who has swallowed anger for God’s sake.

Verily the most beloved of you to me and nearest to me in the next world are those of good disposition; and verily the greatest enemies to me and the furthest from me are the ill-tempered.

Verily, anger corrupts faith like as the juice of bitter plants corrupt honey.

Whoso suppresses his rage, while he has the power to show himself, God will call on him on the day of resurrection before all creation, and reward him exceedingly.

"Who do you imagine to be strong or powerful?" asked the Prophet (PBUH). "He who throws people down," replied his disciples. "Nay!" said the the Prophet, "it is he who masters himself when angry."

[i]Verily, anger is a live coal in the heart of the son of Man; do ye not see the redness of his eyes, and the swelling of his two juglar veins?...Whoso then feels anything of that, let him stick to the earth.[/i]

When one of you is angry while standing, let him sit down; and if his anger goes off from him, (then well and good), otherwise let him lie down.

My Lord has bidden me do nine things: the fear of God in secret and in public;a just word amidst anger and pleasure, and a middle way in poverty and affluence; and that I perform my relative duties to him who cuts off all ties with me, and give to him who denies me, and forgive him who wrongs me, and that my silence be for reflection, and my speaking be for remembrance (of God), and my eye (sight) be to take example, and that I bid justice.

Abu Bakr relates that he heard the Holy Prophet (PBUH) say: "Let no judge decide a case between two parties while he is in a rage.

Verily, Anger is from Satan.

Wassalam
Nur
Re:  hot tempered!
a_Silver_Rose
06/26/03 at 01:45:43
[slm]
sorry anon but you rpost just made me start laughing..specailly feel like smashing him part  :-/ thas just hilarious.. sorry im so sorry
you know sometimz I get stressed and noone appreciates me so I really feel like screaming and saying bad things..and i do inside but Alhumdulilah I completely control myself and keep it inside ...(in my mind i just cussing and thinking 'i hate you'' ) yah takes lotta patience! but i know its for the better...

are you very busy and have lots of things to do and on your mind? I know when im doing so much little things start to get annoying but again i have to keep inside and control myself

think about this , its true jihad!

something to reflect on:
[quote]If a woman harms (in any way) her husband, then his wife in Paradise tells her: "Do not harm him, May Allah fight you, he is only staying temporarily with you. Soon he will come to us." [Ahmad & At-Tirmithi][/quote]

you know thats the problem, you wanna rage at your parents and husbands but you cant because then your afraid to go to hell

hmmm ok i guess thats suppose to be a good thing...

so does your husband actually stop speeding when yoiu tell or i mean scream at him? :P?
06/26/03 at 01:53:24
a_Silver_Rose
Re:  hot tempered!
Yousef
06/26/03 at 02:04:54
Do you regret your screaming, apologizing indicates that you recognize and regrets your mistakes, which I think is the first step towards solving the problem.

“…who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily, Allaah loves Al-Muhsinoon (the good‑doers).” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]

“… verily, in the remembrance of Allaah do hearts find rest” [al-Ra’d 13:28
Re:  hot tempered!
Kathy
06/29/03 at 11:16:01
[code]
Subject: The Fly

A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was
feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate...And ate...and then ..  she ate some more!!!  Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.

She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,then attempted to fly away.  But alas... she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!!  She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.  So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly
wing!and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!

Dead Fly....

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s**t.[/code]
...uh... manure...
06/29/03 at 11:16:54
Kathy
Re:  hot tempered!
BroHanif
06/29/03 at 11:56:44
Salaams,

I think you may need to ask yourself why do you get mad ? Of course one has a right to get mad for example if its speeding and your hubbys doing 70 on 30 road then yeah get mad, but 35 on a 30 road nah just leave it.

You may also wanna look at your lifestyle to what triggers this ? Depression, isloation, stress, lack of contact with friends and family or perhaps someone at work is giving you a hard time ? I don't know you now your life best but think to why you are in this situation. Talk to your husband about your problem to why you get angry and see whether you can resolve this.

Also if nothing works try this, next time you husband and yourself go driving fill your mouth with water and breath through your nose. If you get angry write it down onot a notebook. Once his done driving consume the water and then have a go at your husband. Let us know if that works.

Salaams

Hanif
p.s. Kathy, I'm speechless at your post!.
NS
Re:  hot tempered!
Kathy
06/30/03 at 09:24:33
[slm]

Sorry for your speechlessness... I see that you have rectified the problem tho.  ;)

I have been thinking about this post for a couple of days...and then someone sent me this "story"... it was so appropiate. Too many of us fly off the handle.

There are too many different angles, before one could counsel her.
1. Is her husband a jerk?
2. Is she having hormonal life changes?
3. Is she frustrated and what is her frustration?
4. What is her natural way...was it like this before she got married?
5. Is she stressed out in life?
6. Does she yell over safety issues or all issues?
7. Is she a perfectionist?

The list of questions could go on. Why does she fly off the handle?

I used to be a screamer, at my husband, when he drove...because he constantly put us at risk.  So I told him that next time he did something stupid I would get out and walk. Finally I decided enough was enough, he was not going to change his driving habits. We decided that I would drive when we go out together. (Ha Ha...except Eid ...he insists on driving to Eid- doesn't want to the men to see his wife driving!)

I know a Sister who was the sweetest wife you ever met. You could tell that she loved her hubby and she never spoke bad about him. I had asked her if she ever yelled at him or if they got into any fights. She said no.

Unfortunately, he left her... had nothing to do with her behavior. She remarried and her new hubby treated her badly and eventually she changed into a 'screamer'...not overnight...but over a couple of years.

I can't help but think of her and how insrumental a husband;s treatment of his wife sets the tone in their home. A long time ago I posted a question regarding her on this board and to other knowledgeble persons, regarding her.

"If a wife can not please her husband, no matter how good she is, should she divorce him..to save herself?"

Re:  hot tempered!
Sumeya_Nurshuheda
07/01/03 at 01:23:27
assalamu alaykum,

may Allah reward all of you who took your time to write a few words. I was surprised to see a number of you trying to give advice , mashallah this is a good bunch of muslimeen here ;)  :) alhamdulillah

I'll give you a better picture of myself in terms of personality and the whole situation so that InshaAllah maybe someone can give me effective advice as on what to do in order  to solve this problem of mine, which i really hate  :'(

1) 1. Is her husband a jerk?

Alhamdulillah he is not a jerk in a real sense.. I mean sometimes his behaviour will annoy me to the extent where like I said would scream at him etc.  I believe  this is normal at times allahu alem it happens to many couples...or does it really?   Like I said he's a nice person he is much more patient than me...very very calm personality it goes to the extent where he gets sooo slow when he does things that I feel my God whats with him...he takes his time whatever he does...and I'm total opposite.  Another thing is that my husband is a how can i say deep kind of thinker.  If he's reading a book, something on the net whatever seems to me like he gets so into it that he doesnt respknd to anyone/anything around him.  When I first got married and noticed this I was devastated crying unctrontrollably and thinking what the hell is wrong with him..there will be times when i call him a few times and he doesnt respond..he says he hears me but hes so into reading/writing whatever that he cant respond....my god shaytan used this and made it sound even worse than it is to me and at some point I kept thinking of divorce!  astagfirullah..Alhamdulillah I made dua and it got much better than it was.  I'm trying to be patient with him..meaning that I'll standing next to him waiting for his anwer while hes into his own world and wait and ask and wait and ask sometimes more than 3 times simple questions like "what do u want me to put in your sandwich"?
We have talked about this problem..i told him that iritates me..that i can not ask him minimum 3 times the same questions each time...He understands that its  difficult for me and believes that its from Allah he can not control it and that I should make dua.  In a way I feel sorry for it is kinda not up to him isnt  it...but sometimes I think that he hears me and hes just lazy to respond immedaiately!  Allahu alem maybe its my lack of patience that makes things worse and that I eventually explode at him, say things that I most of the time regret saying, i get so loud that i'm embarrased of my neighbours what they gonna think subhanallah of us muslims...but wallahi i feel like its not for no reason. I get fed up and I have to let it out of me in some way.  I have noticed lately that i tend to get a pain around my heart area...espeacially when i stress out, minutes after that i feel strong sensations and a pain, like i can not breath.
 


2. Is she having hormonal life changes?
I dont think I am..I'm in my mid 20s.

3. Is she frustrated and what is her frustration?
I explained this already. (1st question)

4. What is her natural way...was it like this before she got married?
Well, I believe I was to some extent.  I couldnt really get along with my mum some times.  She used to tell me that I want things only my way and ifts not my way then disaster happens.  I have to admit that it is true, but I dont think this is the main reason for being hot tampered..its two seperate issues..allahu alem.

5. Is she stressed out in life?
I dont thinks its the stress.  At the moment I dont work/study I stay home most of my time so its definitely not due to life stress...plus we have a very good social life alhamdulillah.

6. Does she yell over safety issues or all issues?

Hmm....well safety of course I have a phobia of driving on the rain...and my husband loves driving on the rain my God...so there u go most of the time we argue while driving i tell him not to speed he claims he is not speeding bla bla...I dont tink I scream over all issues ....


7. Is she a perfectionist?
no, I'm not a big time perfectionist. I like things to be done on time and appropriately...but i wouldn call myself perfectionist.  However, it does annoy me when ...ahhh i'll give u an example...the other night I was washing dishes and my husband was standing next to me talking and peeling off an apple. At the same time the water was boiling on the stove and I kept telling him turn off the stove the water is boiling (as my hands were in detergant so i couldntr do it myself)  and hes like "wait till I peel off my apple" i wait thinking hell hurry it up..nah again i see water boiling up soo hard and he does not move from the spot..i tell him again and again hes "wait till i finish peeling off my apple" aaaaaargghhhh i tried to control myself again and failed as usual, I screamed at him.."cant u move....bla bla bla....getting to the point where we again ended up quarelling.   Am I perfectionist??  was it my fault or his?  I can not stand people sooo careless subhanAllah.

I hope to get some feedback inshallah...I really want to get rid of this problem as I'm sure I'm sinning and sometimes I think how am I gona face Allah if I continue being this way espeacially when the kids come ahhh I think I'll go mad  :(  Ya Allah help me...
jazakAllahu khairan!
Re:  hot tempered!
Anonymous
07/01/03 at 02:18:48
[quote]assalam alaykum,

I have a problem of screaming uncontrollably at my husband!  I'm sooo hot tempered that I  
think if I continue like this I will go to jahannam!  this is pretty serious and I need  
some advice sisters please...Thank GOd my husband is calm relaxed tyoe of person if he
was  
any different wallahu alem if my marriage would survive..I simply can not control  
myself..I try being patient for 5 secons and then just explode at him for smallest reason
such  
as him speading! i get mad in the car and feel like smashing him!!! [/quote]

[slm],

it is positive that you recognise the need to change by applying more self-restraint when
dealing with your husband.  remember that everyone and everything has limits. don't take
your husband's calmness for granted. try to put yourself in his place. wouldn't you be
upset if he were to lose his temper for the tiniest reasons?

take a look at the ahadeeth that sister Hur posted. you won't get better advice than
that. listen to lectures about spousal rights. pray and make dua constantly that Allah [swt]
heals you from anger and temperament.  read books/listen to tapes on tazkiya
(purification of the heart). seek Allah's help to change for the better. insha'Allah your efforts
will be rewarded.  

just chill sister!

wa assalamu alaikum

p.s. if you are a fan of hot spicy foods, try to reduce your intake.  

Re:  hot tempered!
a_Silver_Rose
07/01/03 at 02:29:27
[slm]

I think Anon is right.. also sister it seems like you  lose your patience easily and that is something that you have to learn to control..
Do not test his patience..today he is calm , but one day he may blow up...
If you look at it in a postive way, he is actually teaching you patience...
we are all respoinsible for our own actions so even if the way he is acting is leading you to lose your patience.. you will be asked how did you react when he didnt pay attention. did you react in a postive way or not?

He should also try to pay attention and answer the first time. This is something that he needs to work on also.

maybe you can talk to each other and compromise saying that you will try to control your temper and he should start paying attention the first time. (I can understand that would get annoying if you are have to repeat somthing 3 times all the time. ..) and everytime that one of you acts correctly you praise him or give a big smile,ect and when one messes up the other reminds them kindly...insh'Allah

Ask Allah (swt) to help control your temper and guide your hubbs and He will not dissapoint you.

All the best,
your sister
Re:  hot tempered!
bhaloo
07/01/03 at 02:38:52
[slm]

[quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1056593947;start=0#9 date=07/01/03 at 02:18:48]

p.s. if you are a fan of hot spicy foods, try to reduce your intake.  

[/quote]

???  Is this true?  Does this affect one's temper?


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