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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Reflections on Purification |
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| jannah |
| 06/26/03 at 02:07:36 |
| I didn't write this... it is from two years ago but subhanallah still powerful... It was at the same time one of the most beautiful and incredible experiences of my life and one of the hardest and most painful. We were literally cut off from what br M calls the "intoxicants of the qalb" - television, music, books, excessive food, sleep, speech. It was literally like waking up. You were forced to realize where you were in your relationship with Allah and the state of your heart and nafs. wAllahi, it was so painful. Painful because you realize how far you are from where you want to be? and you realize that there is so much you have to do. The people there were some of the most beautiful people on the planet. Like effulgent with noor. It made me grieve to be around them, and made true the metaphor br M always uses about the caravan of good people moving on, and you being left behind. You seeing how far ahead of you in this journey of ubudiyyah other people are, as you are weighed down by dhunoob. One sister was crying for the *entire* retreat. I think I saw her once without her eyes filled with tears. She was someone who realized her defeciencies and faults, and knew where she stood with Allah. I envied her, truly envied her, more than anyone else in my life because she housed something within her that I did not possess. Once I came downstairs while everyone was in salah. Everyone was standing, their heads lowered, all in khushoo'.. the stillness in that room, the focus, the desire for Allah, was so great you could almost touch it. I felt like my heart was *screaming* to be with these people, to be like these people. I felt like my nafs was screaming to me, I want to be like that, I want to have that? We learned about tawbaah and how it is a burst from the qalb, and not just a physical process. With this burst of nadm (regret, grief, pain at doing yet another stupid thing to veil ones qalb from Allah and to just increase the number of sins on your shoulders) comes the desire to fix it? to rectify your condition, seek forgiveness from Allah, and fix what you have messed up. I learned so much at this retreat... three to four hour classes during the day, khawatir that were so much longer than khawatir, adhkaar after fajr and isha.. more knowledge than I was able to absorb and take into this head.. but all I felt was from the neck up. The most I could feel from below, from my heart, was the desire to feel something.. the most I could do was cry in salah because I was *unable* to cry in salah like the beautiful Allah-seeking people around me.. I spent the majority of the retreat wondering what the hell was wrong with me.. wondering how it is that I could be around people whose noor radiates so much so that I felt like a shadow, against the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen in my life and not feel anything in my heart.. The camp itself.. subhanAllah.. I saw some of the most Beautiful, awe-inspiring, makes your whole body say la ilaha illa Allah, 3d, surround-sound, nature than I ever encountered in my short life.. trees, birds, mountains, earth, water.. indescribable beauty. One night we snuck out and went to the lake. The sky above held more stars than I have ever seen in my life. A storm was building in the distance and we could see lightning flash on the other side of the mountains. Sitting there, all I could think was, this night, this very night right here, is probably the most beautiful thing I have ever encountered in my life. And at the same time, I knew there was something wrong because it didn't *move* me as I knew it should.. One of the things we learned was that everthing everything around us, all of creation, is in dhikr of Allah. Two brothers went hiking, and they came back with.. with this light just radiating from their faces. They told us how as they were in dhikr in the forest, butterflies came and rested on their clothes. They asked us: do we harmonize with this symphony of dhikr around us? Or do we add static? I went hiking a few days later, and saw one lone beautiful butterfly... that fluttered past me. However foolish it may seem, it hurt. It stung. The two brothers before me, effulgent with noor, attracted this beautiful creature. And it turned away from me. The only thing I could think was, if being rejected by this small creature in dhikr of Allah hurts me, how will I feel on the Day of Judgement, when all that were in dhikr in this life turn away from me? When the good Muslims who are to enter Jannah, disgusted by what I am, turn away from me? When Rasulullah turns his face away from me? When Allah, the Most High, forgets me as I have forgotten Him? La ilaha illa Allah. I want the mantle of those two brothers. I want to wear the noor they wear. The look on their faces haunts me. I want that. I want that pleasure that comes from yearning for Allah's pleasure. I want those creatures to love me as they love any who are in ubudiyyah to Allah.. It's as if before this, I've never seen ubaad of Allah.. I've seen men but not men like these men. We went hiking by Augur Falls, this amazingly beautiful place.. and I kept seeing myself in everything around me. There were roots everywhere, in every place we stepped. And then in the middle of the water we saw this tree.. it was a beautiful tree but it's roots weren't deep enough to keep it upright. All I could think was that tree was me.. the term br M uses all the time is ?rakhasu fil ilm?, being deeply rooted in ilm.. and if you aren't, if you don't have roots in ilm that are that deep, expansive, and strong, then what you bring into fruition is not going to be beneficial.. and if you don't have those deep roots and you put yourself in dangerous situations, you?re going to fall.. you're going to go under and you're going to be taken in by an onslaught of doubt, loss of eman, speculation etc etc In the forest we saw this huuggee waterfall. I climbed up to these rocks high above it and looked down to see all the ppl sitting, comtemplating, in dhikr, and the rush of the whole waterfall over the cliff. In the middle of the waterfall was this huge rock, jutting out. The water was so powerful, rushing, so loud you could't hear the person next to you-- but that rock stood firm. Unable to break. I kept willing, wanting, *hoping* for that rock to burst to fall, because I felt like it was my qalb these past ten days. I felt like I was being bombarded with everything that should make me turn to Allah in complete and utter submission in an environment that makes it impossible to NOT change, but I wasn't. My heart was still as hard as that rock even with the power of all that water. My dhikr was still unfocused, my salah distracted. We prayed on some land next to the rushing water and I *still* couldn't focus. My foreheard humbled to the earth that I was made from, that I would be buried in in Allah only know how much time, and no tears came. I couldn't force them. We went canoeing a few days before we went hiking. The waves were strong but we made it to the end of the lake and into an inlet. This inlet was like jannah. It was so beautiful, so calm. The water was still. We saw the sun hitting the mountains. Flowers literally growing up from the water. Birds singing. It was like opening a door into another world. Then out of the inlet we went into another lake. The winds were building up so the water was so choppy. We had to keep rowing just to stay in the same place. But we kept rowing, we had to get to land. We finally made it to an island, but it was private so we had to leave. We were canoeing for six hours straight. It was the most physically challenging thing I've ever done in my life. I literally couldn't move my arms afterwards. On the way back we hit the inlet again and one of the camp leaders came to rescue us. I was the only one who got off the canoe and walked the rest of the way. I was the only one who didn't finish the mujahida, the only one who didn't reach the finish line. For the rest of the retreat people discussed the canoe trip like the mujahida of life.. that it was difficult and challenging but it was so worth it in the end.. and I didn't make it. I didn't go the rest of the way, I didn't push myself to finish it. I failed that mujahida and all I could think was, if I couldn't pass the mujahida of reaching the end of water, how could I complete the mujahida of life to return to Allah with a qalbus saleem? You guys probably know more about me than any other people on the planet, but you don't know me. You don't know the things I've kept from you out of shame, the things I've done or haven't done that's just brought me closer to the hellfire. Things that I've been ashamed to tell you that I will be held accountable for on the Day of Judgement, that I will be forced to witness against myself in front of Allah. I came up with a list of resolutions at the retreat and have broken some of them already. I learned a lot of things about myself and I know what I need to work on.. There are no words that I can use to describe the beautiful, intense, and profound experiences I had there. No words can do them justice. I don't know what this email sounds like to you but the past ten days were some of the most beautiful days of my life. They hurt because waking up hurts but it's necessary to begin your day. Just make dua for me. |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 06/26/03 at 03:52:05 |
| [slm] wow, mash'Allaah that was beautiful, and u know what, I found myself relating to most of it :( but hey, jannah, se7en, and others who went to the retreat, are u guys not going to put up anything about your own reflections or what u learned from it/did there? It would be good to read, especially for those of us who dont get such opportunities to go to such retreats :) wa'salaam |
| 06/26/03 at 03:52:40 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| se7en |
| 06/26/03 at 19:52:13 |
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, sis wardah we're still on a post-retreat high :) hehe insha'Allah.. give us a few days :) wasalaamu alaykum :-) |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| BroHanif |
| 06/29/03 at 11:37:23 |
| Salaams, Still waiting. C'mon Abu Hamzah, Mystic, Barr ...don't let it hold out much longer. Salaams Hanif |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| Kathy |
| 06/30/03 at 10:06:50 |
| [slm] I haven't even seen any of them on Yahoo, yet, either.... Subhanna Allah... what a high they must be on.... |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/30/03 at 12:45:12 |
| [slm] Wow...SubhanAllah Profound. I haven't even woken up. At least the author could feel SOMETHING neck down...I can hardly feel it neck up. Honestly, wow. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| se7en |
| 07/01/03 at 12:00:50 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, a reflection from one of the retreat participants this year.. please make duaa for the author.. ---------------- The stillness of the time before daybreak stands in sharp distinction to the turbulence inside me. I study the world before me, and though the lenses of my eyes and the synapses of my brain understand and recognize its beauty, I feel cut off from it. My tongue forms words like "SubhanAllah" and "Alhamdulillah" - and yet my Qalb feels disconnected. My dhikr is in need of dhikr. I wonder... how much of my life have I have tossed away.. finding a quick fix in a conscious ignorance, an easy escape, or shallow promises to my self, and neglecting the deepest part of me, thirsty for true happiness, in connection with the Source of happiness. I am under mental and spiritual occupation, and like a prisoner, I long for freedom from my oppression. Some words from a far away song flutter by, as I try to sort out my mind and heart: this is why they call me a sullen girl / they don't know I used to sail a deep and tranquil sea / but I'm washed ashore and I've lost my pearl / and now there's only an empty shell of me. Somehow, I've lost my way yet again, in the murkiness of dunyaa, in the ocean of shahawaat, that keeps me under the waves, immersed in ghaflah. Somehow, I've lost my Qalb, sick and hidden in veils of ignorance, heedlessness and dhunoob, and I cannot describe the yearning inside me to bring it life. SubhanAllah, how amazing the vessel of the Qalb - that it can house so much, and still feel such emptiness, void and pain. This because it longs and yearns for Allah, and without Him it suffers and rejects all imitations. How have I allowed such inner damage to occur? My devotion misdirected, my emotions scattered, my happiness mislaid. I have wronged myself more than anyone else - sold my soul for a cheap price and my servitude to a lowly master. I need to don the cloak of Ibraheem, alayhis salaam, and destroy these things inside my inner ka'bah. I need to clean out this Qalb, remove the carefully positioned images that have taken the place of my Lord the Most High, scrape clean the film of dhunoob that leave it murky and heavy. I need to resuscitate my inner being, bring life back to my Qalb with dhikr and remembrance of my purpose. Constellations beckon me to join them - come, be a neighbor to the stars, join us in our Remembrance of our Creator. The birds call to me in the stillness of early daybreak - come, release your wings, join us in our flight ascending towards the heavens. The grains of sand call me, come, humble yourself and Allah will exalt you, as the chosen of us are exalted, glinting in wondrous beauty encased in glass. The universe calls me - be in ubudiyyah to Allah. Join us in our happiness, in remembrance of Allah and our shared purpose. Maybe Allah will raise us together, the stars fashioned like jewels in the heavens, the birds swooping with the winds, the earth rich and fertile - and you, a human being, lost for a short while in the desert of dunyaa, but guided back to the Straight Path, like a lost camel brought back by a merciful guide. The universe calls me - and I yearn to answer this sweet adhaan, calling me to success and happiness. I long to find my place among Allah's creation, to reconnect my Qalb with my Creator, and to taste the sweetness of knowing Him, and being true to Him. I ask Allah to make this retreat an opening for me, for this movement of longing and desire to break through the heavy bonds my nafs has imposed on me, and that my returning to Him is thorough and accepted. I ask Allah for the sweetness of Jannah; and for enough consciousness of Him and remembrance of Him to keep me on the path towards it. Ameen, thumma ameen. wAlhamdulillahi Rabbil alameen. |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 07/01/03 at 16:11:32 |
| [slm] WOW :o, that was so amazing. I haven't been to any retreat but everything thats written in that post, posted by se7en, is exactly what I'm going thru right now. In the last couple of weeks this feeling of unhappiness has increased in folds of magnitude. Unhappiness because I know I'm so lost now and need to find my way back or to get closer to Allaah. There's a void inside which ACHES and I dont know how to fill it. It feels like even doing dhikr, praying, reading the qur'aan isnt enough, because I know that ther's somehting bigger and grander out there that I may never grab a hold of and, therefore, I may not be able to let go of this dunya, and gain jannah. I feel so restless and without peace, and this lack of peace is especially felt within my heart, and thats why I feel like my very being is lost, and I need a foothold quick. I think there are a few occassions in life when u catch a glimpse or u have a realisation that there is a bigger picture of life than what u are living or experiencing right now, but u only catch them in fleeting moments. And then comes the fear that u may never get those moments again and that all will be lost, because u'll be sucked back into this dunya, without a backward glance at the realisations that ur soul was able to grasp, however feebley and fleetingly. These greatly awakening realisations may just fade into nothingness, which in turn will make ur own life become nothing, because u werent able to break away from the chains, or at times, shake off the transparent veils, of this dunya, even though u were blessed enough to catch ahold of the truth at times. Ok, am sorry for my rambling and if none of that made any sense to anyone. Just that these posts on here have really spoken to me, cus I'm experiencing some of these things. Thank you for sharing these posts and I do hope more are to follow from others :). Btw, se7en, was that actually written by u? ;) wa'salaam |
| 07/01/03 at 16:50:04 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| .sakeena. |
| 07/02/03 at 23:34:33 |
| [slm] may Allah shower the authors with mercy, love, forgiveness and beauty in this lifetime as well as the next. the honesty and sincerity in those writings was moving, heart stirring subhanna'Allah. afraid to say anymore in fear of cheaponing whats been spoken already... so i'll simply hush and let the dust settle... a few of the sisters here in ottawa have told me about the retreat in the adirondacks. i've wanted so much to go over the past 2 years..... especially when you see first hand the effect it has on those around you and the new energy that resonates off of them in returning. please make duaa that i get to experience this at some point..... fi aman illah. |
| Re: Reflections on Purification |
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| sis |
| 07/03/03 at 08:08:14 |
| bismillah walhamdulillah walsalat walsalam 'ala rasul illah alsalamu alaykum wa rhmat Allah wa barakatuhu jazakum Allahu khayran for sharing the wondrous reflections.....subhan Allah, i remember reading the first reflection that jannah posted up way back at the old board ...its a harsh reminder of where i hoped to be and where i am now... alhamdulillah, i too have felt so much of the energy resonating off of the ottawans once they've returned from the retreat....i feel so much peace when i spend time with them even if not a word is spoken.....please pray too that i may go to the retreat one day... when i focus on tazkiyah..its as if i wake up from a ghafla.....but even then i have not experienced 'waking up' after initially openning my eyes..its scary to realise..a couple of months ago i was chilling with some sister's at a halaqa and one of them said something that terrified me....she said she met a brother who, when he lived back home, he would teach people the noble Qur'an...and sadly...now he says that the deen doesn't matter...la hawla wa la quwata illa billah..... if we don't remember Allah ta'ala and if we aren't thankful...He 'azza wa jal can just pull the iman in our hearts away and we become blinded...so many beauties and opportunities can become hidden from us...a'ootho billah....i have never been so terrified in my life.....and i pray that feeling will never go away... when Allah ta'ala takes away the blessings He ta'ala has given you, it hurts much much more than being terrified..i always want to be so worried and so scared that i turn to my Rabb, ArRahman Arraheem......but i am so weak...and He ta'ala constantly reminds me...alhamdulillah ...please make dua'... may Allah ta'ala reward you all with shining iman placed in your quloob and with His ta'ala guidance and companaionship walsalamu alaykum wa rhmat Allah wa barakatuhu |
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