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| Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| Anonymous |
| 07/09/03 at 13:26:47 |
| [slm] Ambiguous - is that a feeling - I don?t know. It seems as though that is all that I feel lately - regarding everyone and everything. Even the state of my eeman is something that I seem to feel ambiguous about. The more I get to know my sisters on Jannah, the more I feel lacking in something, empty. I feel like my soul has never strived to achieve peace and taqwa, though Allah knows I?ve tried. It?s as though my soul has never been awakened and permeated with the light of complete faith. A light which seems to shine from my sisters in Islam, even through their words, and even though I?ve never even met them before, I can almost see that light. Even when I write something such as this which is completely private, which I will probably tear up and throw away to preserve its privacy, my writing seems theatrical. It?s as if I?m trying to emulate a wonderful style of writing and can?t quite manage it. All I manage to do is sound pompous and pretentious. Perhaps that?s my biggest fault? Maybe I am pretentious - I?d like to be good at so many things but I?m not, so I just pretend. I?m bored with my life and exhausted by it, it?s busy and empty, happy and heartbreaking. It?s as though I?m surrounded by contradictions which I can?t seem to resolve or come to terms with. Sometimes it feels like my head is going to burst and I just have to let it all out somewhere, but when I start writing, and when I read what I?ve written, I just feel even more contempt for myself. I can?t even manage to pour out my thoughts on a piece of paper. It?s as though the pretentiousness, and pathetic attempts at writing well get in the way. I guess my teacher was right when she said my writing was ?Dull, as usual?. I was so hurt when I found out that she thought like this, and what hurt even more was that I found out accidentally, as these were her remarks regarding my work to another teacher. Perhaps only now, four years later, have I come to accept that it?s true. I?m dull, by writing is dull, my spirit feels dull and worst of all there are times when my soul feels dull. Even if no one answers this post, or can give me any advice, I would like to thank you all, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out to read this dull post. May Allah SWT reward your kindness. [wlm] |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| Fozia |
| 07/09/03 at 14:16:33 |
| [slm] You've got to stop thinking like this immediately sister, go to a masjid, interact with sisters, keep busy tutor kids. Above all do dhikr or recite the quran or pray nafil salat it doesn't matter do it all in fact. Does anyone know how you're feeling sister?? Honestly getting upset about a remark a teacher made way back when is not a good idea. Seriously when I was about to sit my GCSE's, my maths teacher pulled me out of class and informed me she expected me to fail!!! I'm a qualified management accountant btw have I mentioned this before?? I for one find your writing incredibly interesting and think you're reflections on life are interesting and I find myself looking at things from a different angle when I read posts on here by everyone including you. Back to the original point I think you might need to speak to someone though if you are feeling very unhappy don't go it alone. Take Care As always Love and Duaas Wasalaam |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| Maliha |
| 07/09/03 at 15:29:59 |
| [slm] Subhana Allah anon! are you me??? :'( :'( :'( [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1057768007;start=0#0 date=07/09/03 at 13:26:47][slm] Ambiguous - is that a feeling - I don?t know. It seems as though that is all that I feel lately - regarding everyone and everything. Even the state of my eeman is something that I seem to feel ambiguous about. The more I get to know my sisters on Jannah, the more I feel lacking in something, empty. I feel like my soul has never strived to achieve peace and taqwa, though Allah knows I?ve tried. It?s as though my soul has never been awakened and permeated with the light of complete faith. A light which seems to shine from my sisters in Islam, even through their words, and even though I?ve never even met them before, I can almost see that light. [/quote] Two separate issues here...the feeling of ambigousness (sp)...is just simply a reflection of the weight inside your heart. I keep rollercoasting in and out of that zone..so sis know that you are not alone in this struggle. You say you have tried to get out of that mode, but you seem to lack the conviction. Surely you believe that should you make the effort Allah will not leave you hanging? Keep knocking on the door of Allah's Mercy and Maghfirah and He *Will* respond. A Sheikh said sometimes if you don't have the burst from the Qalb, then begin with an intellectual resolve. Cut out the different variables in your life that take you away from Allah. I don't know if you watch TV, but Subhana Allah it gotta be the biggest time waster on earth, (followed closely by the internet, but that's another story :P)..but you know what factors are contributing to your apathy...if it's sleep, do less...if it's eating, fast more...if it's bad company, spend time alone... etc etc. By making these practical efforts, Allah will surely reward you..and you leave the space in your Qalb for the sensitivity to creep in...slowly at first, and then a huge wave overcomes you and you know...you know...you yearn to do more, and get ever so close. But it's all work. And it's up to you to make the First concrete step. Second issue, about the sisters? I don't know what you are basing your judgement on, but Everyone has Major issues.... I do the same, always put people on a spiritual pedestal and without fail i am met with dissapointments. The truth is we all got work to do, and if it's veiled its simply through Allah's Rahma and we should simply be grateful and work hard at rectifying ourselves before the Day when all veils will be shattered and all inner secrets poured out... [quote] Even when I write something such as this which is completely private, which I will probably tear up and throw away to preserve its privacy, my writing seems theatrical. It?s as if I?m trying to emulate a wonderful style of writing and can?t quite manage it. All I manage to do is sound pompous and pretentious. Perhaps that?s my biggest fault? Maybe I am pretentious - I?d like to be good at so many things but I?m not, so I just pretend. I?m bored with my life and exhausted by it, it?s busy and empty, happy and heartbreaking. [/quote] Subhana Allah this whole piece about writing was SUCH an accurate description of how i feel when i write. Talk about melodrama, my writing is entrenched in it, and the biggest issue I have...is that when I write, I share. Something about expression that needs an audience. So on top of the theatrics, and the dead feeling inside of knowing my own drama, is having to deal with others. Subhana Allah. As far as your life being busy and empty you know what you need to do. We all have the non essentials that we busy ourselves with so that we don't have to do the Real work that we are supposed to. Empty out your schedule, make time for Allah, your soul, and nurturing yourself. Make this a part of your every day routine. Dhikr, muhasaba (accounting), some solitude to reflect on things, some time to read Quran..elongate your prayers and spend Quality time with Allah...seriously all these things will build up your sensitivity within and May Allah grant you Tawfeeq INshaallah. (amin) [quote] It?s as though I?m surrounded by contradictions which I can?t seem to resolve or come to terms with. Sometimes it feels like my head is going to burst and I just have to let it all out somewhere, but when I start writing, and when I read what I?ve written, I just feel even more contempt for myself. I can?t even manage to pour out my thoughts on a piece of paper. It?s as though the pretentiousness, and pathetic attempts at writing well get in the way. [/quote] Writing is simply a tool...an expression that encompasses all the shadows, delights,beauty, darkness, agony..it's the lips of your heart weaving tales the spurn all the generations within. I find in writing that my "self" stands so stark and clear before my eyes...I feel those same surges of contempt sometimes when I read what I write, sometimes it's just overwhelming sadness, sometimes I am overcome by such emotions that the only way i can wring the excess out is to write. But writing is not the answer...it's simply an expression..like talking..dreaming...like sharing... expressions don't fill the void within, they simply busy us with more to entertain our lowly selves with. You need something deeper and more meaningful to occupy that space, and nothing can take the place of your closeness and intimacy with Allah (SWT). Everything else will be a mere shadow, a mirage that dissipates the moment you get ever so close, and your thirst will forever remain unquenched...Go directly to the Oasis that subsumes all other oasis..don't florick in the empty desert sands... [quote] I guess my teacher was right when she said my writing was ?Dull, as usual?. I was so hurt when I found out that she thought like this, and what hurt even more was that I found out accidentally, as these were her remarks regarding my work to another teacher. Perhaps only now, four years later, have I come to accept that it?s true. I?m dull, by writing is dull, my spirit feels dull and worst of all there are times when my soul feels dull. [/quote] Teachers DON'T know better..trust me. I had an English teacher that almost failed me in her class! yes...she saw a hijabi, an immigrant, surely "us" people can't write? No matter how much I tried and wrote, and wanted to "prove" myself to her, it never worked. I simply wasn't good enough. Seriously, I even read the work of one of her "pet" students and was appalled by what she considered good writing! But I didn't let that get me down...I don't know maybe it's just this defiant spirit I had...but finally i told her off..and i told her that's the reason i would never major in English, cuz then i would spend the rest of my life having to face racist teachers like her who would try to tell me I can't write. Believe it or not, from that day on she gave me straight A's. I knew the problem was her, and not me. Same way you should know that you will invariably face people in life that will tell you, you are not good enough. But that's simply cuz they are blind from the immense beauty and grandeur you hold inside you. Every single person on earth has gardens within that are simply breath taking, some of us are blinded, some of our gardens are buried deep underneath weeds, and overgrown tentacles...we all have work to do. If your teacher is blinded from the Creator of all these gardens, do you think she will have the vision, the blessing to see the beauty within you? Please don't give what people say much stock...many people on this earth are just as murky, wallowing in their own pits of despair..many people aint worth listening to, let alone basing our whole perception of ourselves on. [quote] Even if no one answers this post, or can give me any advice, I would like to thank you all, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out to read this dull post. May Allah SWT reward your kindness. [/quote] You are in my duahs sis anon...May Allah make your path smooth, and light the way for the eyes of your Qalb to behold his Majesty. Sis, Maliha :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| Caraj |
| 07/09/03 at 16:00:32 |
| I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and as an old lady and a Mom of 2 )I would guess you are my adult kids age) I would like to say a few things to you. #1) What is dull to one may not be dull to 50,000 others #2) Even though a teacher is a teacher, they are not God, they are not the final and only opinion. They are mere educated people and are like anyone else in the world.......They have an OPINION Write what is upon your heart, ask for advise from many, put all the advice in a hat (sort to speak) take out and use what advice applies and suits you and throw the rest away. Also, may or may not be in this case, instructors are actually more critical and more demanding of those they see tallent in. But if the comment was said to another and not to you direct as a way to help you do better than they are not very proffesional to say it where it could be heard by others. How gutsy are you Sis? Why not go to this person, admit you heard the comment and let them know you are seriously wanting to inprove and ask them what they felt was dull. (Emphesis on what 'THEY' thought not that it was) and ask for advice one what would do differently. Just an idea. And always remember, although you are not perfect,(cause no one is) you were created by the Almighty, who you are and what is on your heart and all your tallents he gave for a reason, You are special and unique. No matter what any instructor thinks ;) Write and do everything from the heart and put all you are into all your work and don't worry about it. But do ask for advice cause you never know when it will help. |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| chiq |
| 07/09/03 at 22:27:48 |
| [slm] [quote]Even when I write something such as this which is completely private, which I will probably tear up and throw away to preserve its privacy, my writing seems theatrical. It?s as if I?m trying to emulate a wonderful style of writing and can?t quite manage it. All I manage to do is sound pompous and pretentious. Perhaps that?s my biggest fault? Maybe I am pretentious - I?d like to be good at so many things but I?m not, so I just pretend. I?m bored with my life and exhausted by it, it?s busy and empty, happy and heartbreaking.[/quote] Once, I wrote a short story and emailed it to a few others. They lauded it. On the same day, I frantically rushed for pen and paper, and in between despairing sobs, scrawled, “Failure failure failure failure failure…” all over the page. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t write, couldn’t make sense of anything. My miserable thoughts of inadequacy and hypocrisy within flooded my mind until sentences disintegrated to phrases, phrases to words...and then the words went too, and only my whimpering sounds of misery remained. It’s a curious feeling – an awareness of one’s strengths (and a pride in it, accentuated by others’ thoughtless praise) and a terrible, remorseful feeling of inner decay. It drives an individual to fervent ibadah and absolute lethargy and mechanical “goodness”. Like there are two equally strong individuals inside and you can’t figure out which one’s the real you. And all the time you see these other amazing people who never seem to suffer these strange feelings... They never [i]seem[/i] to. But maybe some of them do. Anyway, that doesn’t matter. Knowing someone else suffered the same may help lessen the isolation, but it doesn’t make the [i]individual[/i] journey to self-improvement any shorter, or less necessary. It's all about synthesizing the different "you"'s, or letting the best one prevail. Note: This does NOT mean that you will necessarily ever eliminate the bad traits in yourself, but with Allah's help you can subdue them, and meet the challenges that come your way. And you, sis Anon, have been blessed with some excellent advice for that journey. Use it, and may Allah guide you. Ameen. Wasalaam |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| theOriginal |
| 07/10/03 at 05:21:31 |
| [slm] I thought anonymous was mystic...heh.. Okay sister....take their advice.... I just have an additional comment. In high school, I had this neighbor who had no friends. I mean, she is a super person, but for some reason everyone hated her. So, during our OAC year (13th grade), I forced her to take a creative writing course with me. (I had already done OAC English, and this was the only other english course available for OAC students...and she didn't want to take it alone). I felt horrible, becaue I pushed her into doing it. She couldn't write....she could barely read. (She has a learning disability).... One day, our teacher asked her to stay behind. I waited for her outside, and when she came out she was in tears. The teacher had told her that her English was at the 7th grade level and that she should look into dropping out of the course and signing up for a remedial program the following year. I was shocked. The teacher had surely exaggerated. Anyway, this past summer she just graduated with a Journalism diploma at one of the colleges, and is heading to university for an accelerrated degree in Journalism. I wish I could see that teacher now. Your post was certainly not DULL. For example: [quote]Even when I write something such as this which is completely private, which I will probably tear up and throw away to preserve its privacy, my writing seems theatrical. It?s as if I?m trying to emulate a wonderful style of writing and can?t quite manage it. All I manage to do is sound pompous and pretentious. Perhaps that?s my biggest fault? Maybe I am pretentious - I?d like to be good at so many things but I?m not, so I just pretend. I?m bored with my life and exhausted by it, it?s busy and empty, happy and heartbreaking.[/quote] Now that's a good piece of writing. You know what! I got an idea for you....why don't you write a children's story. Just for fun. Illustrate it, make it look pretty. You cannot possibly manage to be pretentious with something like that. Might be a good excercise? OMG! Make it an e-story. With flash and all that good stuff. Wow, I'm excited...let us see it when you're done ;) Okayyyyyyyy..had an espresso this morning. Ignore me. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| Nabila |
| 07/10/03 at 08:40:31 |
| [slm] It?s as if I?m trying to emulate a wonderful style of writing and can?t quite manage it. All I manage to do is sound pompous and pretentious. Perhaps that?s my biggest fault? Maybe I am pretentious Sis, I was reading something by Stephen King and he was writing about his formative years as a writer. He said that when he was younger, if he had been reading Ray Bradbury, he wrote like Ray Bradbury, all sentimental and nostalgic. If he was reading HP Lovecraft, he wrote like Lovecraft and so on. It takes many years for writers to find their voice, and until then the only thing you can do is read and write from the heart. Alot of potential writers are scared of writing down too much, of revealing too much of themselves incase it gets laughed at, so what comes out is a very thought out, very stilted version of what they wanted to say. I dont know how old you are, but unless you have been writing for years and years, then you cant expect yourself to have found your own style or distinctive voice -- dont be too hard on yourself, if you have talent you will find your way of doing things :) ma asalaamah and take care |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| Trustworthy |
| 07/10/03 at 21:22:26 |
| [slm] Dang Ananymous!!! Don't be so hard on yourself because I'll be hard on you. Ok. 3 things: 1-Change the name and it’s about you…that’s the story (Don't be a stranger, Ananymous. We're all family here.) 2-Stop looking for the place where a late rose may yet linger (Don't let people get to you. If you do, you'll never grow.) 3-To have begun is half the job: be bold and be sensible (You just have to take that step and get out of that mental status.) You're a wonderful person, I'm sure. I've read some of your posts and I don't find any of them as ambigious. More like ambitious. You're cool. Keep at it. Ma-asalaama..... |
| Re: Help me please [ambiguous feelings] |
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| Trustworthy |
| 07/10/03 at 21:24:00 |
| [slm] One more thing...about your Iman.... Go to the masjid more often, listen to Islamic tapes, and read more Qur'an, Hadiths, fiqh, etc. You'll feel alot better. ;) Ma-asalaama.... |
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